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<p>This is my first pregnancy and I am planning on doing a home birth.  This is something that I've always felt very strongly about, as I do not like hospitals and want my birth experience to be calm and comfortable as well as on my own terms. My fiance completely agrees with me and is very supportive of my decision, as is his mother. The one problem: my mom. She's very involved and is a doctor. I've already told her that I do not intend to have any medication when she's mentioned epidurals and she was pretty mad, as she thinks that I won't be able to handle the pain and that once you start labor you would rather have "a harpoon shot out of your butt" as she likes to put it than experience labor pains. <img alt="eyesroll.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/eyesroll.gif"> She has also mentioned that she wants to fly over to be there for the birth. I know that she's not going to take to me doing a home birth well, and honestly I'm a little scared of telling her because I don't think she will respect my wishes. I'm worried about trying to walk the fine line between not hurting her feelings and having what is best for me and my baby.</p>
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<p>In my family, home births are unheard of, and even something like not having an epidural is seen as extreme. They feel that having a home birth is a huge risk and very dangerous to the mother and baby. Did anyone experience similar tension with their family when they told them about their plans for a home birth, and how did they handle it?</p>
 

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<p>My situation was very similar.  Supportive dh, and in laws, with my side of the family totally unfamiliar with homebirth.  My mom is not a doctor, though.  She does have sort of a high stress personality, and is a worrier.  She didn't totally flip out at me or anything.  She had some questions and concerns and I could tell she was trying to phrase them in a way that wouldn't put me on the defensive when she voiced them to me.  We lived 900 miles apart, and I would have loved to have had her there to see the brand new baby, but I wasn't sure I'd enjoy her presence at the birth if she was going to act worried.  I told her that it would be great to have her help, but since there is a 4 week period of what is considered normal gestation, (38-42 weeks) how would I know when to tell her to come?  She couldn't have stayed the whole time, being busy with many other things.  So we planned a visit for a month after my due date, when I was sure I would have had the baby.  I texted her when I was sure I was in labor and called her after baby came.  We sent pictures, and she came to visit as planned a month later.  I am lucky that it really was handled very maturely by all.  If anyone starts spouting crazy at you, have some practiced canned responses stating that this is a well thought out decision, and you'd rather not discuss it with anyone not being respectful. </p>
 

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<p>I would skate around it with her as long as possible. Maybe the whole time. I have a friend who didn't tell her parents the entire time. Then she called to say she'd had the baby and they asked when she'd be going home. She said "I'm already home. I never left". :)  You can still "cover" yourself with information to feed mom as far as prenatal visits go with your mw, sono pictures etc, even if it means slight compromises on your part to appease this need of hers (like for me, i don't do sonos, but may do a quick one in your case to keep mom at bay).</p>
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<p>My parents were 4 square against it, but considering I had a near-death pph with my first hospital birth, I can't really blame them either. My mom used my first and middle name in conjunction with a cuss word when she found out. I had the luxury of taking her along to the mw and letting her fire away all her questions. My dad thought I had hired a witch doctor the entire time, but wound up changing his tune when he was present just after birth for the newborn exam and saw all that she really did know about things. (Course I was not bleeding to death either, so that helped their attitude)...</p>
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<p>At this point in your life, you are responsibly to DF, yourself and baby. If df is behind you then that's all you really need. Try to keep this info from her as long as you can to keep her from messing with your head on this and keep your pregnancy peaceful. Hopefully when you say mw, she'll assume NMW and you can mention the hospital you'd transfer to if something happened.... maybe even tour it for her so you can say you did (and for you - it will strengthen your resolve!!) Somewhere there's a "comeback" thread with great things to say to cut off the negativity you get for even trying a natural birth let alone one at home.  When you've done it, it won't matter to her how you did it. She won't go off on you over that sweet baby's face - she'll be basking in her new grandma role. And... where you birth is also the beginning of a long string of decsions you'll make for your child that she'll disagree with for one reason or another. Setting up the boundaries firmly now will save you a LOT of heartache and stress in the future.</p>
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span><br><div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Angelorum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285541/grief-from-family-members-over-homebirth#post_16117046"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div class="quote-block">but since there is a 4 week period of what is considered normal gestation, (38-42 weeks) how would I know when to tell her to come? </div>
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Actually, it's a 5-week period, 37-42 W. And lots of Mamas think it's OK even to wait a bit beyond 42 W if baby doesn't come on their own - so for me personally, I'd say it's a 5.5 week window. (I personally would be hesitant to go all the way to 43W.) That's a big window!</p>
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<p>If your mom is so ignorant & close-minded as to honestly & truly believe it is IMPOSSIBLE to have a birth that is non-medicated AND joyful/wonderful, then I highly doubt you'll have much luck bringing her around to HB. (sorry, that sounds mean, but it IS ignorance - lack of knowledge)</p>
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<p>I absolutely would positively not tell her. For a variety of reasons. For one, you just don't need the stress.</p>
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<p>But most importantly, we're not telling our families (who we already know are opposed to it based on my mention of it when DS was born naturally in a hospital) because I don't want to hear it if I transfer. I absolutely KNOW I would hear, "OH thank god you transferred! Oh what would have happened if you stayed home?! I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place. BABY COULD HAVE DIED!!!"</p>
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<p>Um, yeah, transferring would be stressful enough. I don't need that $h!t.</p>
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<p>I totally agree you will need to set boundaries with your family. Stand up for what you & DF agree on as your parenting style.</p>
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<p>But on THIS issue - I just think it's hard enough staying confident & positive while planning an HB, especially when you've never given birth before so it's all new to you. But MOSTLY, I just know that I personally would HATE to hear anything even remotely indicative of the above, "OH I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU TRIED TO STAY HOME!!!!!!!!" message, which I KNOW my MIL would say.</p>
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<p>The risks of telling them are pretty substantial (as I wrote, transferring would be traumatic enough, but getting that attitude, I'd be furious.) But the downside of NOT telling them doesn't really exist. I'll tell them afterward.</p>
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<p>Plus, MIL is a bit of a worry-wart. I honestly think she'd prefer NOT knowing because they she won't have to worry & be stressed.</p>
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<p>As for your Mom's attitude towards NCB, this is where you can begin establishing boundaries. She really honestly & truly believes that its' IMPOSSIBLE to have a birth that is unmedicated yet joyful, positive, and uplifting??? Whoa. I mean, just WHOA! That is serious ignorance.</p>
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<p>Well, I hear such an attitude is more prevalent among docs because they only ever see medicalized birth anyway. And to be fair, if you were born in the 1970's, I think they were still shaving & doing enemas back then, so yeah, I guess I can see where she's coming from that birth is NEVER anything but horrific & miserable under such circumstances. :( Sad.</p>
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Anyway, tell her to watch the movie BoBB and Orgasmic Birth. Tell her it's like running a marathon - you don't expect to not experience some pain, but that doesn't mean it won't be joyful. Pain doesn't have to equal suffering-- a difficult concept for some.</p>
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<p>Finally, if she's still being difficult, you have 1 of 2 choices, tell her to zip it i.e. change the subject, or just end the conversation & hang up the phone if she gets started. Refuse to engage her on it.</p>
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<p>or admit she has a point... basically tell her, "Yeah, I don't know with certainty what birth will bring for me. No one does. I'm going to do my best to prepare to give birth without pain meds, but I'll be open minded about what birth brings because I realize sometimes medical interventions - including epidurals - are the best course of action."<br><br>
Because the fact of the matter is, that statement is 100% true. There are no guarantees. You can't dig your heels in and say, "I absolutely am having an HB - or an NCB/ no epidural." You just can't guarantee that. Maybe admitting to her that you realize you can't have 100% control over the situation & are smart enough to realize that medical interventions have their time & place will allow the 2 of you to find common ground & then move on & not discuss birth anymore!</p>
 

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<p>I, too, would just avoid the issue. Which is not normally my style, but who needs extra conflict or stress during pregnancy?</p>
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<p>After a successful free-standing birth center delivery with midwives for our first, we are planning a home birth for our second. My mom is excited and on board, and will be here to help with DD during labor.</p>
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<p>My ILs, however... They seemed to believe that the FSBC is safer than home and we didn't ever try to dissuade them of that. They knew the CNMs at the birth center had privileges at the nearest hospital. When we never posted any late pregnancy cervical dilation info on Facebook (you know, as one does), my MIL called husband to ask whether they were even checking my cervix. Because that's really important! They were also relieved when we had a girl, because "who would have done the circumcision?" <span><img alt="eyesroll.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/eyesroll.gif"></span></p>
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<p><span>Sorry to hijack....my issues, not yours!</span></p>
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<p><span>So we just haven't mentioned that we're planning a home birth with unlicensed CPMs.</span> We mention midwife appointments, tell them everything is fine and normal, and when we did have an ultrasound at 20 weeks, we shared a few pictures. Honestly, I think they suspect but are avoiding the issue. Fine with me!</p>
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<p>I think a certain amount of embellishment, while not totally honest, may be appropriate in your case. Can you say something positive about a possible transfer hospital, even though you won't be going there? Does your midwife have privileges you can play up? Talk about the safety of home birth without saying you're having one?</p>
 

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<p>I would have no compunctions about omitting or outright lying.</p>
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<p>If someone can't be rational and supportive, which is worse - subjecting yourself to serious stress that can have actual, physical repercussions, or just realizing that your family apparently can't handle it and not sharing with them? Not to mention the fact that sharing with them will give THEM stress and heartache anyway. In some cases, telling is a lose-lose situation.</p>
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<p>And, I'm sorry, the idea that you can't have a successful birth without epidural drugs is seriously irrational.</p>
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<p>Not everybody has to agree with your choice, that's fine. My in-laws did not. But they handled it respectfully. When they heard our intentions to homebirth, they stated their concerns in non-attacking ways. Once. And then they let it go. That's how a non-toxic reaction looks - it doesn't have to be "oh, that's wonderful." But you already are getting a toxic, unhelpful, stressful, attacking reaction. Stress and doubt can seriously hinder your birth on multiple levels.</p>
 

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<p>DO NOT TELL HER.  Just don't do it.  You will regret it if you do.</p>
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<p>I wouldn't say that about all parents, but from what you have said about her, it does not sound like you would get anything out of it but a lot of stress that can be avoided.  Especially given that she lives flying distance from you -- no need for her to know.  My parents would not have given me any grief, but my mother would have worried about me ... she thanked me afterwards for not telling her until after the birth.  My in-laws ... I had no idea how they would react, but we just made the decision that we were telling no one but close friends until after the birth and that was that. </p>
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<p>Interestingly enough, this time around they both know that we are planning another homebirth, and neither said anything negative even though I don't think any of them necessarily agrees with it.  My MIL is definitely supportive of natural childbirth since that is what she did and preferred, but she associates homebirth with her brother whose girlfriend had one of their babies at home because they didn't want to stop drinking and doing drugs to go to the hospital.  Sigh.</p>
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<p>Once you have done it one time, I think it will be easier to get people on board if you want to do that.  But for a first-time mama with a doctor mother who doesn't believe in natural childbirth ... you don't need that stress and negativity. </p>
 

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<p>I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you really want your mom to be supportive- who wouldn't?</p>
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<p>I went through something a bit similar with my family. My mom is long out of the picture, but I am very close with my dad and his wife. I thought they would be a little resistant, but I did not expect the onslaught of judgment and downright panic they directed at me.</p>
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<p>My father, who has always been very supportive of me, never spoken a mean-spirited word to me, called me "stupid and selfish" for wanting a homebirth. I begged him to read articles, books, to talk to our midwife, all the things you can do. He flatly refused. Not only did he think I was insane, he refused to even try to educate himself.</p>
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<p>It broke my heart. I was so excited about my pregnancy and birth. And I felt like someone had submerged me in an icy lake. We finally agreed to disagree, and now we don't talk about it. It's sad. I am just now kind of regaining my momentum and starting to feel joyful about this pregnancy again. It took a month or two.</p>
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<p>In retrospect, I do hate lying to my father. He can usually tell when I'm not being totally honest with him too. But, I wish I would've kept this under my hat. I really do. Once the baby is here, they won't give a rat's behind about how it got here. I should've just waited and omitted. For instance, when he said "what hospital you going to?" I should've said "St. Mary's is the one covered by our insurance." Because, well, it is. But I'm not going there. ;)</p>
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<p>That's just my two cents from someone who decided to tell, and kind of regrets it. Though I am proud of myself for being honest, and I think it's (as many mamas here reminded me) good practice for sticking up for all my future parenting decisions.</p>
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<p>With your mom, you'll have to weigh some things. How important is her approval of your birthing process to you? If she is adamantly opposes to your HB, what are the chances she would agree to a truce, in which she at least does you the courtesy of not hounding you with scare-stories and attempts at changing your mind? Once you have your beautiful birthing, how much do you think she'll care about how you birthed, if she was indeed kept in the dark?</p>
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<p>All those might be factors to consider.</p>
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<p>Just remember that you not only have an obligation to the little bean you're growing, but to yourself as well. Mama you are about to do something incredible, amazing, and <em>important</em>. How you birth will be a deep memory imprinted on your person for the rest of your life. It is important that you protect your emotions and spirit during this time. Having negative folks, no matter how well-meaning, surround you with scare stories about pain and other things is just counter-productive. You have a right to keep that out of your life during this time. You have a right to draw boundaries. If you have to get that by doing some fibbing and white lying, then well, maybe that's what you gotta do. If you want to tell her, then tell her that you won't listen to any arguing or negativity, you can do that too. If she starts in, just say kindly "I'm gently hanging up the phone now."</p>
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<p>A little part of me went "grrrr" when I read the what she told you about a harpoon coming out of your butt. I will never understand why women wish to terrify other women about birth in that way. We should support each other with messages of how, though it might get tough, you are strong enough and whole enough to do this blessed thing. Don't believe the hype, mama. You can have a natural childbirth. The pain, if you have it (and not all women do, btw) will never be bigger than you, because it <em>is</em> you. :)</p>
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<p>As for the quandry about her wanting to fly in for the birth, I think it's a-okay to just say no. It needn't have anything to do with having an HB. My mother in law wanted to be here for our birth (little bean to appear in May), and we flat out told her no, long before we broke the news to her of our HB. We just gently explained it was an intimate, private event for us, and that we preferred not to have visitors until about a week after the birth, when we had time to bond with our baby as a newly-minted trio. She grumbled, but she ultimately didn't press the issue, especially when we told her she could not come over without a meal or a willingness to do our laundry. :)</p>
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<p>I know my situation is not exactly like yours, but my mom is a doctor, too.  I'm sure it helped me that she 1) had two unmedicated (hospital) births and 2) spent most of her career in research and regulation, but it was immensely helpful for me to present her with some studies she could sink her teeth into.  She's now very supportive of my plans (and will definitely be at the birth(s)).  I've recently been disabused of the notion that all MDs are as fond of science and evidence-based practice as my mom is, so it may not work for you, but it might be worth a shot. </p>
 

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<p>Do what you want... then if it goes well you can be all smug and satisfied later. I did not homebirth but I did have glorious natural births with a midwife. I endured months of my family trying to hound me into "getting a real doctor" and talk of how "painful and scary" childbirth is. Well, it wasn't for me. It was amazing and healthy and un-complicated. I still talk about both my births with a huge smile on my face. And my hubby brags about me years later.</p>
 

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<p>Thanks everyone for your advice. I think that keeping it a secret just isn't going to work because of how much she wants to be involved. She asks loads of questions, and if I decline to answer, she'll know something is up. I think she may already suspect that I'm going to do a homebirth. She saw a copy of Ina May's Childbirth book that I'm reading, and asked if I really wanted a midwife and I said yes. She didn't say anything else, so maybe she'll be okay after all. She surprises me sometimes- I thought she was going to scream when she found out I was pregnant because I'm supposed to have a big wedding in 5 months time, but she was really supportive and great.</p>
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<p>I think part of her problem with natural childbirth is that she had several miscarriages when she was younger and when she finally did get pregnant, had two really complicated pregnancies. And of course, working in the ER so much, she's probably heard and seen loads of birthing horror stories. I'm thinking about getting her a copy of Ina May's book for Christmas, as I'm already in love with it. It paints such a wonderful and realistic picture of childbirth and I hope it can start to change her mind about how childbirthing can be. I'm really excited to give birth naturally, and even thinking about it gives me a rush of adrenaline. I know that I'm strong enough to give birth without medical assistance, I just wish she knew that too.</p>
 

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<p>I see this as a major event that will help to change your relationship with your mother - not for better or worse, per se, but just from child to adult.</p>
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<p>I'm talking from my own experience of course. I always felt it was important to please my mother, and I happily did so most of my life until I became a mother myself. It was like another adolescence in a way, only bigger. I think I really truly reached my adulthood only when I became a mother. Sure, before that I was living away from her, married, job, insurance, all those adult things, but I didn't have to look my mother in the eye and tell her "I'm making this decision" before I was a mother.</p>
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<p>My mom actually didn't put up much of a fuss on the home birth, but she still tried to control me about myriad other things. It was like she could not stop seeing me as a child, she had to instruct me and make sure I did the right thing. Way different from simply sharing her experience - I can respect that older people have experience. But I'm an adult and it's up to me to weigh the advice and <strong>make my own decision</strong>.</p>
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<p>It's not an instant process. And we can sympathize with our mothers because it's not like there's any particular day when they just turn off their own motherhood. Yet, all the more reason that it's up to us to make sure this process happens.  I write to give you the strength to do it. Draw the boundary. Make the decision. Be an adult. Look your mother in the eye and tell her what you've decided, and don't let her make you doubt yourself. If she crosses the line, tell her - "Mom, I know you want what's best for me, but your scare tactics are helping no-one. This is my decision and I've made it. You can be supportive or we can just not talk about it." It won't be easy, and it isn't magic, but I encourage you to be strong in your decision. Even if your mother doesn't change, it's really about YOU making this change.</p>
 

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<p>I feel uncomfortable lying to my very awesome and loving family, participarly my mom, but I know that homebirth seems like a really big risk to most people. Especially people that care about me and the baby. And I don't want to create a lot of negativity around the birth. That won't serve anyone. My plan is not to lie, but to explain the process this way..... When I go into labor, the midwife will come to our house and check on me, and monitor the baby. If it's too early, we'll stay home, and if we need to go to the hospital, we'll go. If all seems to be going well, we may decide to stay at home.</p>
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<p>For me, this is absolutely true and yet far less threatening than "I'm having a homebirth." My midwife is a CNM, so although she is a homebirth midwife, she is able to deliver in the hospital. I think this helps in part because I don't think people understand that transfer is a part of the homebirth process and one of the things that help make it so safe. Secondly, if a transfer happens, I won't need to "explain myself" or defend homebirth, because it's one of the possibilities that I explained. And if a homebirth happens, no one will feel as though I was being deceptive or misleading, because it is also one of the possibilities I cited.</p>
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<p>My DH would prefer to tell them "we're planning a homebirth" and let the consequences follow, but he has agreed to explain it my way to keep the atmosphere positive for my sake. I don't know if this explanation would help your mom or not, since her view of birth is so specific. My mom had unmedicated hospital births, so she is coming from a somewhat different place.</p>
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<p>As for when she should visit, I would tell her that you feel you'll need her more when you have a newborn than during the end of your pregnancy and for the birth (sounds like this is true) so you'd prefer she wait until the babe is born to come out so as to maximize the time she can spend with you and the new baby instead.</p>
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<p><br>
This is how we handled the in-laws too.  They assumed we were doing another birth center birth, but we said "no, we hired a private midwife.  SHe will come to the house when I am in labor and decide IF we need to go to the hospital".  That's it.  Then we changed the subject.  We heard it all with the first pregnancy from both sides of the family, and we were birthing at a birth center.  It was worst from the in-laws.  Even after baby was born and wasn't gaining weight like she should they kept insisting that I take her to a "real doctor" (as if a lactation consultant at a university isn't enough, please).  I would never consider NOT telling, if directly asked.  I also wouldn't lie to a close family member.  But then my experiences in the past haven't been terrible, I just always have had to constantly defend my parenting decisions.  Annoying, but manageable.  Good luck with this, maybe someday it will be more accepted.</p>
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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Mama Metis</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1285541/grief-from-family-members-over-homebirth#post_16121077"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a>
<p>My plan is not to lie, but to explain the process this way..... When I go into labor, the midwife will come to our house and check on me, and monitor the baby. If it's too early, we'll stay home, and if we need to go to the hospital, we'll go. If all seems to be going well, we may decide to stay at home.</p>
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<p>I might tell my family- they're a little more accepting of my hippy-dippy ness, and they're 1600 miles away, and only my father (who is actually who I first learned about natural birth from!) is planning to come out for the birth or right after.</p>
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<p>My husband's family? Oh, not a chance in hell. I love them to bits and they're good people, but I had a hard enough time with my first baby just saying I didn't want an epidural. My father in law is a very famous cardiologist and so he can be VERY high handed with medical matters. He and his wife are also from the era where medicalized childbirth first really hit mainstream (she had her babies in the sixties) and so they think I would be nuts to turn down so much "advancement". But, they don't have to know, either. I'll tell them about my prenatal appointments, about the two ultrasounds I plan on having (one to see the heartbeat and date, then one anatomy scan), and then we'll.... figure the birth out later. I might just have my husband tell them, "Oh, she doesn't feel like visitors at the hospital right now, do you think you could come by once we're home?" and then just on the third day we'll let them come over. Last time, they were all really great about not staying too long and helping out- this will be the sixteenth baby in the family, so everyone knows the drill! Or I might be like WOW SURPRISE, WE HAD A HOMEBIRTH. I might do that because I really think my nieces should know that this is an option for them.</p>
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<p>~Rose</p>
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Draw the boundary. Make the decision. Be an adult. Look your mother in the eye and tell her what you've decided, and don't let her make you doubt yourself. If she crosses the line, tell her - "Mom, I know you want what's best for me, but your scare tactics are helping no-one. This is my decision and I've made it. You can be supportive or we can just not talk about it." It won't be easy, and it isn't magic, but I encourage you to be strong in your decision. Even if your mother doesn't change, it's really about YOU making this change.</div>
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I agree with laohaire. Even if you and your mother were totally on the same page about birth, there will doubtless be other mothering decisions you make that differ from the choices <i>she</i> made. You will be questioned about things that seem entirely natural to you (not just birth) because other people did them another way. Learn to shut people down now, before the baby is here, because it's never-ending.<br><br>
It would be awesome if you could get your mother on board with a homebirth. Having that support would be huge. But you don't <i>need</i> her to agree. You can and will have your baby at home whether she approves or not. Now is the time to gently close the discussion when you can see that she's not interested in genuinely learning about homebirth, but just wants to berate you or scare you or bully you into changing your mind.<br><br>
Your body, your birth, your choice: period.<br><br><b>"I know you just want to help, Mom, but I've done my research and made my decision and it's simply not up for further discussion or debate."</b> (Change the subject.)<br><br><b>"I appreciate your concern, but the scaremongering isn't helping and besides, my life is not a democracy and you don't get a vote."</b> (Change the subject.)<br><br><b>"I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm not going to discuss this with you now or in the future."</b> (Change the subject.)<br><br><b>"If you can't let the subject go, I'm afraid I'm going to have to hang up/walk away/leave the room."</b> (And then follow through, every time!)<br><br>
I know it's SO much easier said than done, but really--now is the time to learn to stand up for your well-researched and totally valid decisions against pressure from people who think they know better than you do about what's best for your family. No one gets to tell you how your birth should go, not even your mother. Go with your gut and don't be afraid to distance yourself from her if that's what it takes. Let her calls to go voice mail, don't let her visit, do whatever you have to do to protect your headspace. Don't be afraid to completely keep her out of the loop, if necessary. You have every right to a peaceful, fearless pregnancy. Maybe when she sees that there are real and immediate consequences to pushing her fears and emotional baggage onto you, she'll keep her opinions to herself.<br><br>
And please, "harpoon out of the butt"? Decidedly non-medical verbiage aside, that's completely ridiculous and judging from my two homebirth experiences, wildly inaccurate. Given that she's never had a natural, unmedicated birth, how could she possibly know what it feels like anyway? Something to think about. <img alt="wink1.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/wink1.gif"><br><br>
Congratulations on your pregnancy! You are going to do this and it's going to be the most empowering experience of your life. What an adventure! <img alt="joy.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/joy.gif"><p> </p>
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<p>Here is my suggestion.  Tell what you want before the birth, but DON'T invite her to the birth.  I have seen so many women have a terrible time with a less-than-supportive mother at their births.  In fact, maybe don't call her at all until after the baby is born.  If your labor goes over 24 hours, which a 1st easily can, she might be banging down the door or calling MD friends etc.  Even if she isn't like this normally, her child and grandchild in "danger" can sure do it.  Energy is felt so, so strongly by a laboring woman, and negative energy stops births.  I've seen it.  If you believe you can homebirth, and your midwife agrees you are an appropriate candidate, go for it.  Our bodies were meant for birth, its our minds that get in the way.  Good luck!</p>
 

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<p>I had a HB with my first as well.  I didn't tell anyone except those I was planning on having at the birth because I wanted to protect my fragile psyche from all those negative comments. My parents were aware, but were already big supporters of HB.  My in-laws had no idea because they would not have been supportive.  I was originally planning a hospital birth with a MW but transferred my care to a HB MW at 24 weeks and just never told them about the change.  I felt VERY bad about lying or omitting the truth or whatever I was doing; but I had to do what was best for baby, DH and myself.  I REALLY didn't want to hear scare tactics and be stressed the entire third trimester so I just didn't put myself in that situation.  I am very un-confrontational and wasn't emotionally prepared to handle all that conflict. One HUGE outcome was that my very anti-HB in-laws now rave about their beautiful born-at-home granddaughter to anyone who will listen. When we called to tell them she had arrived, they asked our room number and we simply told them we were at home.  They have never questioned it and have big huge supporters ever since.  I really hope things work out well for you!!! and Congratulations!!!!</p>
 

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<p>It reminds me of the "He's just not that into you" sentiment that was hip 5-10 years ago.  It would be great if your mom could be your advocate, your rock, your strength.  It would be awesome if she would agree and validate your wishes and desires.  It would be great if she could support your homebirth.  But she can't.  She's just not that into the idea of homebirth or natural birth. </p>
 

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<p>I can relate somewhat except, in my case, it's my oldest sister that I know will be highly unsupportive of homebirth. My mom, a nurse, is supportive. She feels that since my pregnancies and births were nothing like the difficult ones she had, that it's a great idea. My sister, on the other hand, seems to think that her way is the only way... on everything. She has no clue that we selectively vaccinate, don't circumcise... and now, in another month, homebirth. It sucks because around the holidays I had to be careful not to let anything slip. Fortunately she never asked me which hospital we're going to. It sucks because I'd love to have my family's support on this, but it just won't happen. <span><img alt="mecry.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/mecry.gif"></span></p>
 
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