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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It has been seven years for me since my precious baby girl Amy Dawn died. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><br><br>
Over the years the grief has changed and each year there has been something else for me to deal with. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
The first year I just had to survive, it was all I could do, step by step, moment by moment. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/crap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crap"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br><br>
The second year I made goals for myself and met them.<br><br>
Then I had my subsequent baby Hope <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat"> and take care of myself and had to learn that it was okay to take care of me while parenting Hope. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Then I had to relearn self-care and allow myself to have needs despite my need to be Super Mom and my pressing inner child issues that came up. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><br><br>
The fifth year was hell. Pure pain. It was like the constant in-your-face-I-can't-breathe kind of pain. To cope I took care of everyone else except for me. Plus 3 of my friends had babies. It was hell. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
The sixth year I was able to breathe again but I felt like a total failure.....useless and kept myself as busy as possible so I could feel like I was contributing and getting somewhere. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dishes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dishes"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wash.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wash"><br><br>
This year, the seventh, I can't seem to face things. I couldn't face Amy Dawn's birthday this year, the fact that one of my best friends ever was moving or that my grandfather died. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/guilty.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="guilty"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/disappointed.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="disappointed"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">:<br><br>
It seems that every year there is something new to deal with. *sigh*<br>
I am so tired of living in the spiral of grief and yet I know it never truly goes away it just changes! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
It is nasty to learn that life is pain. Isn't that a line out of 'The Princess Bride'? All those years of watching that dumb movie, just to learn that a line out of it is the blazing clear truth.<br><br>
I see your Grandfather just passed away---I am so, so sorry for your loss. No wonder you are hurting so much.<br><br>
It's hard sometimes, when it's so dark, to remember that the sun will shine again. It will. That doesn't mean your grief goes away, just that is we have to find a way to make it a part of life.<br><br>
And it's important for all of us on this board to try to recognize if we need some outside help. We don't have to carry all the weight of the world....if you are having symptoms of clinical depression, please talk to a doctor or counselor. It's okay to be sad, but it's not a way of life. I keep reminding myself of that too.<br><br>
Take care....I already keep the women on this board in my prayers, so of course you are included.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks for your condolences lolalapcat. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I know that the sun does shine again. It's a good thing it does!<br><br>
I wanted to talk about the ways that my grief has transformed over the years. This year seems to be a year where I can't face things. That's just the way it is and I'm trying to accept that.<br><br>
Yesterday was exceptionally hard as I realized (finally) that the second counsellor I was seeing wasn't helping any more, only making it harder for me and decided to let her go for now.<br><br>
Now that I see how long I couldn't face the fact that that counsellor wasn't working for me, I see that I need to be really gentle with myself this year and give myself as much support as possible.<br><br>
As hard as it was yesterday I needed to make that realization. This year I can't face things. Do I like it? No. Do I feel guilty about it? Yes. But I am going to do my best to accept myself in spite of it and give myself lots of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.
 

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I just read your story and am sitting here in tears. I am so sorry for what you went through and are still going through every day. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Jen, I read somewhere that it takes years to grieve a major loss. That's absolutely true, in my experience and obviously in yours.<br><br>
Over the years my heart has gotten so much more tender. I used to be tough, but several years ago was a year of lots of loss, and that's when I became a cryer. It made sense during that year, but I was surprised at how it persisted, even years later.<br><br>
I was starting to get back to 'normal', when we started trying to have kids. And darn it if people we love don't keep dying. Now I realize this is normal, dragging around this big load of grief. Most people are doing it.<br><br>
Is that part of it for you? That losing Amy Dawn has left you more vulnerable to other losses? Never mind, that's a dumb question. Losing a grandparent is usually pretty tough. And all will never be right with the world again, not when you lose a child. That's not the way it's supposed to happen.<br><br>
It's early in the year. I hope we can help you figure out how to turn it around, or make it through.
 

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Jen, Thank you for sharing your road of grief. I am about to face my daughter's 2nd anniversary. I see changes in how I have dealt with things. Having a baby so soon has been mainly a blessing, but there is a part of it that adds to the grief. It's all so funky and personal. I hope to this year, deal with me, making my body, my house, my family's life less stressful and more beautiful and peaceful. Peace to you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lolalapcat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7913103"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Jen, I read somewhere that it takes years to grieve a major loss. That's absolutely true, in my experience and obviously in yours.</div>
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I have to keep reminding myself of this. The fifth year was hell, pure pain all the time, and it's eased a lot since then. Sometimes I wonder why I feel so numb.... and then it comes back to me, right, it's this year.<br><br>
I'm so frustrated that there are really so few professionals that are aware of the long term consequences and grief that go along with perinatal loss.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lolalapcat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7913103"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Now I realize this is normal, dragging around this big load of grief. Most people are doing it.</div>
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Thank you for making this point.<br><br>
I have had a lot of major changes in the past few months (lots of realizations and major changes in therapy, greatly downsizing my Avon business, one of my best friends moved two provinces away and now Ben's grandfather died who was in many ways my grandpa too). These changes come with grief which I have not allowed myself or really had time to process.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lolalapcat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7913103"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's early in the year. I hope we can help you figure out how to turn it around, or make it through.</div>
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I think the best way to help me through is to keep listening. The more I can get it out the better I'll feel.<br><br>
Thanks for being here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>coleslaw</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7913419"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Jen, Thank you for sharing your road of grief. I am about to face my daughter's 2nd anniversary. I see changes in how I have dealt with things. Having a baby so soon has been mainly a blessing, but there is a part of it that adds to the grief. It's all so funky and personal. I hope to this year, deal with me, making my body, my house, my family's life less stressful and more beautiful and peaceful. Peace to you!</div>
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Thanks coleslaw. Having a baby does add to the grief. You get to see all the things you missed with the baby who died. I felt so torn that first year with Hope, so happy to have her and see her experiencing all these new things and yet so devastated that Amy Dawn wasn't here and wasn't able to experience all the wonderful things Hope was. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
It is very personal. And that's where it can get complicated as there are no hard and fast rules on how it goes. It's grief and grief is as grief is. Period.<br><br>
I hope I can find some peace too. Thanks.
 

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Jen--<br><br>
Grief must be felt, lived, internalized....I'm not sure what the correct word is, but you absolutely cannot ignore it, or it will come back to bite you.<br><br>
So talk about it. That will help. I am listening.
 
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