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lately, i've been missing my ex. i would never go back to him yet i am mourning the loss of "happy times". i am mourning being married. i am moruning a "future" that never happened and parts of myself that are no longer. i spoke with him on the phone the other night and we do get along-yet i feel both compelled to want to talk to him and the same time needing distance so i can move on.<br>
i realize the only thing i can do is to allow myself to feel sadness and lonliness and grief and accept it so i can heal.<br>
i probably should set more boundaries with myself in communicating with him-<br>
it has been six months and i still feel as though i am riding this rollercoaster of grief.<br>
anyone else want to share their expereinces with this?
 

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It is great that you recognize it as grief, because that's exactly what it is.<br><br>
It took me about 8 months to be able to let go of my ex and our relationship. I think it took about 3 years to let go of the dream of the life I had wanted us to have.<br><br>
It does come. Feel whatever it is you need to feel, that is healthy (as long as you don't dwell there for too long) and then continue taking those steps forward, even if it's only one small step at a time, it all helps!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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The end of a relationship DOES have to be mourned. I joined two excellent groups after my marriage broke up. One was called Divorce Care and was strictly for the adults. The other was Just Me and the Kids and was for the single parent and the kids. I would highly recommend seeking out something along those lines in your area and joining. I know that Just Me and the Kids is an international program and runs all over North America, and maybe in other countries as well. Part of both groups was to help us work through the mourning process.
 

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I posted this exact same topic a month or so ago and I can so very much relate to where you are. It's so very deep and your experience with it is so multilayered and personal. I agree that it's vital for you to move through every step of the process as thoroughly and as honestly as you can with your eyes to the future. Whenever I felt (or feel) stuck, I ask myself these two questions: Is my peripheral vision of what I need and my situation working well enough or is my tunnel vision taking over? and What do i want PASSIONATELY for myself?<br>
Through all the pain and heartache that seems insurmountable there's this great gift of having the chance to know yourself all over again and become the person you're supposed to be. It's a blessing to be on this forum with so many who are on the same journey. it's helped me tremendously.<br>
All my best,<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
Jill
 

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Discussion Starter #5
thank you all..<br><br>
i'm really going through a tough time lately. i think when we seperated i was too much in shock to really 'process" what was going on..<br>
and then he served me w/papers and i had to be very, very strong and fight for my dd's..and i felt confident and self-assurred and very spiritual and now i'm...<br><br>
down in the dumps.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
all these things keep coming in my head that i miss-that i'm saying goodbye to. i'm saying goodbye to my life as a sahm and my old neighborhood and being part of a marriage (even though it was an abusive one) and i wonder if i'm crazy for sometimes missing him.<br>
and i too, feel like i have tunnel vision right now-because it is soooo painful-lettinggo of 11 years of my life and everything seems so unknown and i guess it's the comfort zones i miss.<br>
i'm making myself feel this pain-and it's hard. i can't escape it or else it will come back, ten times worse..but this is so hard sometimes.<br>
thanks for letting me vent.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>babibelli</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7954645"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">all these things keep coming in my head that i miss-that i'm saying goodbye to. i'm saying goodbye to my life as a sahm and my old neighborhood and being part of a marriage (even though it was an abusive one) and i wonder if i'm crazy for sometimes missing him.<br>
and i too, feel like i have tunnel vision right now-because it is soooo painful-lettinggo of 11 years of my life and everything seems so unknown and i guess it's the comfort zones i miss.<br>
i'm making myself feel this pain-and it's hard. i can't escape it or else it will come back, ten times worse..but this is so hard sometimes.<br>
thanks for letting me vent.</div>
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From this, it sounds less like you're not so much mourning your ex, but rather the familiar and the comfortable things that were a part of your life when you were with him. I just wanted to throw out that perspective, because I know how easy it is to confuse missing the situation with missing the person. And then thinking that you must be <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: for missing someone who treated you horribly. And you probably miss the *good* parts of him, too.<br><br>
I'm in a grief phase, too. Maybe it's astrological <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> .
 

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I mourned more for the loss of being married and the nuclear family I thought I was going to have. I mourned that I was not going to spend my life with my high school sweetheart, my only love. I didn't miss him so much as a person, just what I had built up around him. It took months to realize what I was missing. Now when I see him, I can't understand what I saw in him, but I think it was less about him as a person than just as who I thought he was because I married him.<br><br>
what I still feel a little bad about these days is that I can't remember the good parts. When I think about the 14 months we were together of our son's life, I can barely remember him being around, unless it was a time when he was angry.
 

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yeah that to the astrological phase....<br>
I've been mourning the loss of all these things lately too. I thought for a brief moment in time that I was actually missing him, then remembered some of the reasons I left him in the first place.<br>
I think that the more that I accept my grief over what is gone, the easier it is to move on. The more I dwell on what is lost and what I miss about my old life...the harder it is to move forth. Not to say I don't miss those things terribly, just that I have to know that I chose a life that doesn't involve those elements. (ie, extra money for extra things, someone to watch the wee one while I go out with the girls, weekends spent doing things as a family, someone else to ration with my three year old aglow with independence!).<br><br>
BUT, I am here and happy and much more me than I ever was while i was there with him. I have had time to realize how much I missed me. I am seeing that I wasn't ever able to be the person I loved while I was with him because he stiffled that part of me that I am glowing with now!<br><br>
It's a hard emotion to wrap around your head isn't it. For me it's been 9 months...and yes it's been an emotional rollercoaster. I'm here with ya!
 
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