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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel like I have aged 20/30 years in the past few weeks. Literally.<br><br>
A few weeks ago I was about to go to my school's holiday party and got a call from my mom that my dad collapsed. We thought it was a heart attack, 911 was on its way. My mom is disabled (can't drive) and lives in a remote part of mountainous PA. I'm in NYC.<br><br>
I left the party, ran home and made it to my parents by midnight. Dad was released from the hospital, they didn't know what was wrong but it wasn't a heart attack or stroke.<br><br>
I had to go back to nyc saturday, then by monday dad wanted to go to a better hospital, as the attacks were starting again. He got checked into a good hospital, I came back out, missed a few days of work as we tried to figure out what was wrong. The problem is, every time my dad needed care, my mom can't drive and they have no family nearby. No public transportation.<br><br>
Fast forward a few weeks, an awful christmas, lots and lots of driving back and forth.<br><br>
MRI results show a brain tumor, brain cancer. He just got it out Thursday, lost sensation in his left side. We don't know how aggressive it is yet, but it sounds like it very well could be pretty aggressive and the doctors aren't so positive. He'll need chemo, radiation, and rehab. Can't seem to be able to cooridinate rehab with the cancer. Transportation is a nightmare. Don't know if he'll be in a nursing home for a few weeks (HE'S 55!!!) or what. This is all my choice and all mine to figure out.<br><br>
A few weeks ago, I was a single, independent 27 year old loving my life in NYC. I feel like I'm an entire generation older now all of the sudden. I have 2 sick parents to take care of, the possibility of one dying and the other being stranded, and I have to hold it all together to be the strong one for them. Wow... I always thought being an only child and having a disabled mother this would happen some day.... but some mythical day when I had a house, a family, etc. Not when I have a 1 BD in NYC and a job I love and no ability to leave it all.<br><br>
Don't know what I'm asking. It's just a shocking feeling to grow up that quickly.
 

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I couldn't read and not post.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> How hard for you and your parents. I have no suggestions but I hope you find a peaceful solution for you and your parents.
 

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I am so sorry you are having to face all this now. You and your parents will be in my thoughts and prayers. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I don't know if this is at all feasible, considering he must be somewhat unstable as of right now, but is there a possibility of transferring him to NYC? I know that would be away from your mom, but maybe she could even stay with you, although it is a 1 bed (would a twin sized air mattress fit?) and then using public transportation, she'd be able to go see him and maybe you could look into what resources the city offers in these types of situations.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I'm sorry you're going through this. I really hope there's a way to provide him the best care possible and not give up your whole life- your needs are important too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. Hope your dad can beat this.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I wish I had something magically wonderful I could say to help. Please feel free to vent here, sometimes "talking" about it helps tremendously.
 

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I just wanted to tell you that I used to work in nursing homes as a nursing assistant. Most of the places I worked at have a sub-acute care unit (shorter stays) for situations like your dad's. They are quite nice (usually the nicest units in the building) and most of the people staying are "with it" because the staff's job is to help the patients with rehab and getting home and not keeping track of patients who wander and can potentially hurt themselves or others. I enjoyed working in those units because the pace was much more relaxed and not so sad.<br><br>
If you speak with a social worker at the hospital, they can help you navigate this stuff. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">...my dad passed on when I was 25 years old. You will get through this, and you will figure out a solution.
 

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I'm so sorry.<br><br>
I was, unfortunately, in the same type of situation with my father when I was 17, shortly after the birth of my first child, except he had AIDS with opportunistic infections. He had no one else to help (divorced, estranged from all friends and family except me) and no financial resources. It was extremely overwhelming. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Something I did that was the most helpful was to sit down with the social workers at the hospital, his doctors, a representative from hospice, and a representative from a local nursing home. We figured out a plan together and it was much easier to coordinate care. Also, if your parents are not financially well off, my state's Senior and Disabled Services had a lot of information and was very helpful. They helped with transportation, planning, aftercare, etc.<br><br>
Another important issue that may or may not be necessary to deal with (and right now everything may be too new for you to even think this way) is who needs to handle finances if your father is unable to. Hopefully that is not something you will be faced with, but if there is a possibility, speak with your parents about it and make sure everything is in order. It was so horrible for me to have to deal with that nightmare on top of everything else. Making sure someone has power of attorney makes everything so much easier.<br><br>
Also, I would suggest finding a pastor, counselor or some professional to have on hand to work through your feelings as they come up. It was so hard to take care of myself when there was so much going on but it also became brutally necessary.<br><br>
Somehow, after two months of constant "he isn't going to make it through the night" predictions, my father started to recover. He was in the hospital for four months and in a nursing home for six months. He fought through the opportunistic infections and is still living almost 12 years later, although his quality of life has been compromised and I still have to help out quite a bit.<br><br>
Doctors don't know everything because according to them, my father had no possibility of living. Everyone but him had given up all hope. According to medical knowledge, he is a miracle.<br><br>
My heart goes out to you and your family.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/goodvibes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Goodvibes">:<br><br>
I have been in a similar situation. I am sending positive, healing thoughts your way.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Having parents who are ill definitely makes you feel older. It's strange to be the responsible one all of a sudden. We just expect that our parents will always take care of us, as they always have- it's disconcerting when suddenly we're in the position of having to take care of them.<br><br>
My MIL passed away on Sunday, she was 56 and had been fighting breast cancer for years. The last few weeks of taking care of her 24/7 were HARD.<br><br>
I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I'm dealing with something similar to you. I also thought I would be so much more established before facing this kind of thing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I'm thinking of you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Peace to you and your family and healing thoughts for your dad. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/candle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Candle"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thanks for all the thoughts. We just found out today that he has the most aggressive kind of brain cancer. Even with taking it out he has 2-11 months to live.<br><br>
This is just unbelievable. I don't know how I am possibly going to be able to coordinate all their care while needing to keep my job 3 hours away. I'm trying so hard to get this all figured out for them, and all I want to do is just lay on the floor and cry.<br><br>
I'm doing it. I'm going through the motions. But, wow. He's so sad he'll never meet his grandkids. What the hell do you say to that? I agree. Maybe I should have chosen a different path and been married and had 3 kids by now... Where is my mom going to live? She can't take care of herself. Damnit. I wish I were rich and could just take off work and take care of them. Anyone know any rich people, or any money/support for terminal brain cancer?<br><br>
I think I just need to go outside and scream.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> This stuff is so hard.
 
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