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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
my 2 sons have had hair cuts. at 5 months we gave ds2 a mohawk and at almost 3 we cut off ds1's shoulder length hair and cut it all off at his request. (or what we THOUGHT was a hair cut request but later found out to be something totally different, long story.) anyway, after that we just let their hair grow. now ds1 has longish hair that he can put behind his ears, but ds2's hair is longer in the back and the front just kind of... hangs in his face. we use gel and water to keep it back but its just not long enough yet to put behind his ears. its getting there tho... anyway, WE like their hair. ds1 who is now almost 4 says he DOES NOT want his hair cut. and ds2, even tho he's only 21 months, also says that he doesn't want his hair cut (tho i doubt he knows what he's talking about. lol). and our new philosophy on their hair is we're not cutting til they tell us to.<br><br>
BUT mil is freaking out about their hair. every single time she sees them (which is almost every day) she says something about their hair. she tells us that ds2's hair is going to scratch his eyeballs cos it hangs in his face, and cause serious eye damage. or that it will just plain hurt his eyes cos he can't see. and says that ds1's hair needs to be "shaped." she basically thinks they both need bowl cuts or mullets. um... ew. the thing is, that NOW she's started saying stuff like, "as soon as i get them alone i'm taking them to the barber to get their hair cut." and tho she laughs... we know she's serious. she'd do it. she wouldn't even care that WE would be mad. its some random control-freak principal. this has been an issue for years. (like i said, ds1's first hair cut was at almost 3 and he had loooong hair, so we heard it the whole time with him while it grew.)<br><br>
anyway, my whole point is that i'm about to deliver the new baby and i can't bare the thought of leaving the big boys with the one person around to help us out... is this just an insane power struggle? or am i blind to the fact that i am hurting my baby's eyes? i don't know why this one thing bugs her or me so bad... but its becoming serious! i just want her to leave my kids' hair alone!!<br><br>
any thoughts?
 

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Long hair does no harm! What bull lol. Once again, time for dh to step up and put his mom in her place. She has no right to make threats about your chilrdren!!! If she continues then she will not get to see her children. Simple. Your husband needs to be firmer with her than ever before!!
 

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i agree with hillymum. DH needs to have a chat with her and if she keeps threating to cut their hair or make rude comments she doesn't get to see them.<br><br>
i had a Great Grandma pressure us into cut our DS's hair. i instantly regretted it and DS hated it. we'll be seeing her for Christmas. DS is old enough to tell her he likes his hair so i'm hoping we won't hear anymore about it.
 

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I have read some studies that said girls who were hair over one eye do cause damage to the eye that has to strain through the hair indicating that straining to see through hair is the likely culprit. the eye I work my hair over has a stronger perscription the one I did not......NOBODY BREATHS A WORD OF THIS TO MY MOTHER!!!<br><br>
So if you are worried about it hurting your sons eyes put a little clippy in it until it is long enough to train back. As for your monther in law, I think this is a power struggle but one worth you winning. its one thing if she wants to give them a little treat or let them watch a little TV bit cutting their hair is totally not her place! I mean if my MIL wanted to pay for hair cuts for all muy kids and take them ...psha whatever, thats $50, more power to her. but my kids know what they want and know how to communicate that to the stylist. they are not two and four and saying they do not want their hair cut. Your husband needs to talk to his mother. You need to find someone to watch your kids while you are having a baby and someone to come over and take you. this woman is not helpful in that situation. she is going to be stressful. hire someone if you have to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
bf's stance: ignore her when she talks about it, and it'll go away. he thinks she just says that stuff to get at us and that she won't really do it. he's basically the most non-confrontational person on the planet, so his stance on EVERYTHING with EVERYONE is just ignore them and do our own thing. ok, this works alot of the time. but its a special kind of irksome when its your mil, kwim? the funny thing is that when HE was little, HE had super long hair! so idk where she gets this stuff from all of a sudden... he maintains tho that she won't do it... i'm still freaked out. i think she will.<br><br>
telling her she won't see them isn't really an option. we are one of those "LUCKY" families who get to have 2 grandparents who live within walking distance. my dad lives one community over from us, and mil lives in this community one street over. we really do value our extended family being so close. we do everything together. we have alot of our dinners together, we trade the boys around, we take family walks together. on the weekends, mil and i go flea market/garage sale hopping while my dad and bf watch the boys and do... idk, boy stuff... its nice. my boys even spend nights over with my mil. but it seems with each passing day the topic of their hair is becoming a wedge... at least to me. like i said, mil "laughs" about it, and the my bf laughs and says, "you wouldn't dare. we'd never talk to you again." hahaha. yeah right! i think the only way bf would actually say something serious regarding this is if she really did it, took them and cut their hair without us knowing. then he'd be really mad and probably not talk to her for a little while. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> but then... damage done? idk. hair grows back.<br><br>
just so FRUSTRATING to hear about it every single time we see her! "oh, his hair. its hurting his eyes." or "oh, he needs his hair shaped. its such a mess." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> SHUT UP! their hair is gorgeous! lmao. ok... so yeah... tia for reading my rant.
 

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Yeah I'd probably have to make it perfectly clear that giving them haircuts is not going to happen.<br><br>
I deal with the same stuff constantly. We cut our kids hair at their request. And what's with the mullet suggestions? My mom said that the other day too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I wonder if she is saying this just to wind up? I think she is joying seeing you suffer and the best way to get baack at her is to ignore her? be really really sugary sweet and say "aww, you think?"
 

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First off I think your MIL is way out of line.<br><br>
But... Hair generally looks much nicer when it's taken care of. That means when it's trimmed regularly and shaped as it grows. This can be done to continue to allow it to gain length. We're doing this with my DD's hair right now. It's curly, so it grows kind of weird depending on where the curls are. So we're going every 2/3 months to a kids place that both knows about curly hair and kids to get it shaped.<br><br>
I've seen alot of 3 and 4yos whose hair is full of split ends and looks strange because it's was shaped as a short cut and has simply been allowed to grow out.<br><br>
But, I'm also someone who generally makes sure my DD's clothes match before we leave the house. So you might not care.
 

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I would tell her one time that the comments need to stop. Tell her that you're "sure she's just kidding around" but that it's upsetting to your kids that she talks so negatively about their hair. Then end the visit everytime it comes up. Every. Time. And I've heard so many stories here about mothers and MILs who cut their gkids hair without permission, that I wouldn't leave my kids with anyone who was even joking about it. I'd find someone else to watch them while you're in labor. If you really have no other options, I'd make it absoloutely clear to her that if she cuts their hair, she will never, ever be alone with the kids again, and it might be awhile before she gets to visit with them (even if seh lives in walking distance.) I have no patience for that kind of disrespect.
 

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Hmmmm Well first of all, I love longer well groomed hair on little boys.. not like down the middle of their backs, but you get the picture.. I do think you really should keep it out of their eyes. They need to be able to see clearly, and having hair in your eyes is just annoying. I also can't stand it when I see cute little boys at the store with long hair.. yet it looks like rat's nest.. like the parents never brush it. It takes some effort on the parents part if the child has longer hair. My son has a cute bowl cut. It looks better and it easier to maintain. He hates having it cut.. but he's not old enough to take care of it. Therefore, I make the decision on his hairstyle. When he's old enough to take care of it.. he can have it anyway he wants. I do let him do fun things with it though!! I let him wear green temp hair dye sometimes and mess it up a bit. He thinks it's great. lol
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>eclipse</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14756769"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would tell her one time that the comments need to stop. Tell her that you're "sure she's just kidding around" but that it's upsetting to your kids that she talks so negatively about their hair. Then end the visit everytime it comes up. Every. Time. And I've heard so many stories here about mothers and MILs who cut their gkids hair without permission, that I wouldn't leave my kids with anyone who was even joking about it. I'd find someone else to watch them while you're in labor. If you really have no other options, I'd make it absoloutely clear to her that if she cuts their hair, she will never, ever be alone with the kids again, and it might be awhile before she gets to visit with them (even if seh lives in walking distance.) I have no patience for that kind of disrespect.</div>
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This.<br><br>
I tried being laid back about this kind of stuff with my (now-estranged, for other reasons which also have to do with lack of appropriate boundaries) mother and she ended up letting my DD get bangs cut when she was supposed to be taking her for a trim, which I now have to deal with by struggling to keep barrettes, headbands, etc in DD's hair when she used to have all-one-length hair that I could just throw in a ponytail <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
Yes, it's possible that she's teasing. So, you politely tell her it bothers you and the boys, and you don't find it funny. If she reacts to you telling her sincerely that it upsets the kids (and you) by doing ANYTHING but apologizing and stopping, that's your indication that she really doesn't have appropriate boundaries and you should start looking at other child care options.
 

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My DS keeps shortish hair but I will tell you given a choice he would have short hair but not get his hair cut. He just doesn't like hair cuts. So have you thought that maybe they just don't want to get their hair cut but maybe don't actually want long hair.
 

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There are two separate issues here. First is 'what should we do about DSs' hair?" and the second is "what do we do about an overbearing, disrespectful MIL?"<br><br>
I think you need to make it clear to MIL that she is NOT going to cut their hair, or she won't get time alone with them. Period. If you don't trust her to follow your wishes in your absence, then you need to find somebody else to watch them when you can't be there. That may mean hiring a babysitter, or keeping the boys with you even when they're craving a chance to run around and you just want to stay in bed and snuggle with the baby.<br><br>
This isn't like giving them junk food when you specifify what you want her feeding them- a haircut can take YEARS to grow back!<br><br>
When my daughters were toddlers and had hair in their faces, I either cut bangs for them, or kept it off their faces with barrettes or headbands. There are hair clips available that don't look too "girly." Or you could put the hair back in ponytails, possibly with a boyish hat over the ponytail. Its' a common custom in some Jewish communities to delay a boy's first haircut until his 3rd birthday, so toddler boys with ponytails (often with a yarmulka over the pony, but the yarmulkas often fall off or get pulled off) is a very common sight.<br><br>
You may or may not be able to get MIL to leave their hair alone if you stock up on appropriate "hair out of faces" supplies and/or take the older one to have his hair 'shaped' (an inch or less off the bottom, just to make it neater, keeping most of the length). You could do that and then she might still decide to take them for "boy haircuts" even if they just had a haircut the day before. You really need to set firm boundaries with her before you leave her alone with them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
as for upkeep: we brush their hair well. they both have silky smooth hair most of the time. ds2 (hair in the eyes) usually gets water or gel to keep his hair out of his face <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1198244636542_1241293077_3062.jpg" target="_blank">like this.</a> ds1s hair, like i said, is longer in front so he keeps it out of his face himself, <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1195557769372_1241293077_3061.jpg" target="_blank">like this.</a><br><br>
at times, their hair might look <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1195389005153_1241293077_3061.jpg" target="_blank">like this,</a> which is first thing in the morning, before "grooming." and at the very, very worst, early in the morning, and while getting rowdy and playing might look <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1195388285135_1241293077_3061.jpg" target="_blank">like this.</a> but i swear to you that when she's coming over, or when we're going over there, we brush their hair fresh, get lennon's hair out of his eyes, and make our best effort to make it look as "nice" as possible, just to avoid the comments.<br><br>
i personally think their hair is gorgeous. they like ponytails and things in their hair (mostly because i have super short hair that is usually a mohawk and my bf has long hair that is dreads, so they don't equate ponytails and things with "girls" and frankly, neither do i). but then mil says, "oh those ponytails are going to give them headaches," or "that headband is going to hurt his head." she genuinely thinks a bowl cut or a mullet would be a practical and stylish way to go. um... me and bf think that bowl cuts and mullets weren't even stylish when they were stylish 25-30 years ago, let alone on our little one's now! lol (no offense to those who like those hair styles... we're just not... bowl cut or mullet type people i guess.) i also don't think my boys want hair cuts because when we cut off ds1s hair last year he was mortified when he looked in the mirror and carried the little baggie we kept his hair in around asking people if they knew how to put it back on for him... even when tangles come up in daily combing, and it might hurt a little to come out, i say, "its not a big deal, man. why don't we let g take you to get your hair cut so we don't have to do this anymore." and he literally swallows back and goes, "no! i like my hair! just do it fast."<br><br>
i DO feel like mil is going to or wants to try to sneak a cut in, but i like the idea of telling her how it effects the boys to always critique their hair, especially julien who understands. and i never thought about it before but after reading these posts, i realize that it probably does bum julien out a little to have his beloved g always tell him his hair doesn't look nice, when he honestly takes pride in it. as for getting someone else to watch them... *sighs* i just don't see it happening... sure it would teach her a lesson, but the boys love her so much, i think it would effect them worse. she's stubborn. she'll just give us the silent treatment right back...<br><br>
does anyone have an idea that could maybe NOT eliminate contact between them? i suppose we could just not leave them alone with her. (we have to do that with my dad for totally unrelated issues.) but would that mean anything to her??<br><br>
additionally, why are so many mil's like this?? i want to hope that when the boys have kids i'm not all over them undermining every little thing they do. (we get to hear about vax, circ, co-sleeping, bfing, birth choices, food choices, tv limits, toy limits... *sighs* most of which we can just let go, cos i mean, she wouldn't sneak a circ on them!)
 

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Seriously the next time she mentioned it I would come back with 2 things: "MIL, I have to ask if you would be so worried about the eye issues if we had a daughter who's hair was this length, and haven't I seen pictures of DH with his hair much longer at this age?" I'd then move in for the kill and let her know how it makes my children feel to be constantly criticized over something they feel pride in and flat out issue the warning that if their hair is cut without permission it WILL be enough for me to withhold visiting with the kids and NEW BABY for many months. Will you actually keep them from her? Who knows - the point is, she certainly doesn't know and probably won't be willing to call your bluff if it is one.
 

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First - your boys are cuuuuuuties! Love that hair! I would just say something to your MIL, about how her comments make you feel. Like "I feel uncomfortable when you mention the boys needing a haircut". I wonder if she thinks its like this on-going inside joke between you & her. Its something my mom would tease me about, along with if I've hugged my tree to today or saved a whale <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> except she loves the boys hair all curly and wild.<br><br>
Both my boys have or will have curly hair (thank you DH) and we keep it long, like crazy looking long. The boys love it and now ask for a hair cut when they need one.<br><br>
Because they have curly hair - its often their hair looks like a rat's nest, that's just the way it is with this curly hair. We try to tame it in the morning, but by the end it will look crazed, so I've just given in to the madness. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/treehugger.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Treehugger">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>VeezieTG</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14757545"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">as for upkeep: we brush their hair well. they both have silky smooth hair most of the time. ds2 (hair in the eyes) usually gets water or gel to keep his hair out of his face <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1198244636542_1241293077_3062.jpg" target="_blank">like this.</a> ds1s hair, like i said, is longer in front so he keeps it out of his face himself, <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1195557769372_1241293077_3061.jpg" target="_blank">like this.</a><br><br>
at times, their hair might look <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1195389005153_1241293077_3061.jpg" target="_blank">like this,</a> which is first thing in the morning, before "grooming." and at the very, very worst, early in the morning, and while getting rowdy and playing might look <a href="http://i553.photobucket.com/albums/jj363/veezielu/15332_1195388285135_1241293077_3061.jpg" target="_blank">like this.</a> but i swear to you that when she's coming over, or when we're going over there, we brush their hair fresh, get lennon's hair out of his eyes, and make our best effort to make it look as "nice" as possible, just to avoid the comments.<br><br>
i personally think their hair is gorgeous. they like ponytails and things in their hair (mostly because i have super short hair that is usually a mohawk and my bf has long hair that is dreads, so they don't equate ponytails and things with "girls" and frankly, neither do i). but then mil says, "oh those ponytails are going to give them headaches," or "that headband is going to hurt his head." she genuinely thinks a bowl cut or a mullet would be a practical and stylish way to go. um... me and bf think that bowl cuts and mullets weren't even stylish when they were stylish 25-30 years ago, let alone on our little one's now! lol (no offense to those who like those hair styles... we're just not... bowl cut or mullet type people i guess.) i also don't think my boys want hair cuts because when we cut off ds1s hair last year he was mortified when he looked in the mirror and carried the little baggie we kept his hair in around asking people if they knew how to put it back on for him... even when tangles come up in daily combing, and it might hurt a little to come out, i say, "its not a big deal, man. why don't we let g take you to get your hair cut so we don't have to do this anymore." and he literally swallows back and goes, "no! i like my hair! just do it fast."<br><br>
i DO feel like mil is going to or wants to try to sneak a cut in, but i like the idea of telling her how it effects the boys to always critique their hair, especially julien who understands. and i never thought about it before but after reading these posts, i realize that it probably does bum julien out a little to have his beloved g always tell him his hair doesn't look nice, when he honestly takes pride in it. as for getting someone else to watch them... *sighs* i just don't see it happening... sure it would teach her a lesson, but the boys love her so much, i think it would effect them worse. she's stubborn. she'll just give us the silent treatment right back...<br><br>
does anyone have an idea that could maybe NOT eliminate contact between them? i suppose we could just not leave them alone with her. (we have to do that with my dad for totally unrelated issues.) but would that mean anything to her??<br><br>
additionally, why are so many mil's like this?? i want to hope that when the boys have kids i'm not all over them undermining every little thing they do. (we get to hear about vax, circ, co-sleeping, bfing, birth choices, food choices, tv limits, toy limits... *sighs* most of which we can just let go, cos i mean, she wouldn't sneak a circ on them!)</div>
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Aww they are dolls. There hair isn't THAT long either. I think it's cute. You should just tell her that when YOU want their hair cut YOU will do it. Tell her it shouldn't be an issue. Also let her know that YOU want to be the one with them when they get their hair cut. That's a big deal for a momma(even if you decide never to do it.. she might reason with the sentimental reasons). I just would flat out say " I know you don't like their hair, but we do.. and if someone cut it without our persmission we would be very upset. VERY" Unless she's a jerk.. she'll probably back off. Sorry about your trouble mama.
 

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Um..that's long hair?<br><br>
Your kids are super cute and have great hair. I don't think you need to change a thing.<br><br>
I do feel your pain about being harassed about hair cuts. My mom nags me too. She hates that DD does not have bangs. But since she is my mother I can tell her to stop and get as firm as I need too. I would not feel as comfortable if it was my MIL.
 

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Quit reacting.<br><br>
MIL: Next time I get those boys alone I'm going to have their hair cut!<br>
You: (calmly) Then you won't ever have them alone. Pass the bean dip.<br><br>
Repeat as necessary. Don't get mad or huffy or involved in a bunch of melodrama. Make your quiet statement, change the subject and do. not. engage. I'm betting 90%+ of this is just her trying to get under your skin.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AbbieB</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14758801"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Um..that's long hair?<br><br>
Your kids are super cute and have great hair. I don't think you need to change a thing.<br><br>
I do feel your pain about being harassed about hair cuts. My mom nags me too. She hates that DD does not have bangs. But since she is my mother I can tell her to stop and get as firm as I need too. I would not feel as comfortable if it was my MIL.</div>
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Ditto I think your boys are adorable!! I would still consider their hair to be very boyish, and how I would want my son's hair to be (if I should have one).<br><br>
I hope you are able to find a way to get your MIL off your back.
 
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