[k4kara]

An incident happened yesterday that I'm not sure I handled well for my child. Maybe you mamas can give me some advice on how you would have handled it so I have some better skills for next time ...

My sister and her partner don't have children so I don't think they realized this was a cruel as it was: Nick (my sister's boyfriend) picked up Boo and wouldn't let her go even when she was squirming to be let down and was telling him "down" ... he kept holding her until she cried. My sister told Boo to "stop being such a drama queen" Then they both laughed which made Boo cry harder.

I immediatly scooped Boo up and removed her from the room but I didn't say anything to my sister or to her boyfriend and now I'm wondering if I showed Boo that I won't stand up for her when someone is making her feel uncomfortable or upset.

: I don't want to send her the message that she has to accept others making her uncomfortable or holding her when she doesn't want to be held.

On the other hand, I really don't think they meant to be cruel. I thought my sister knew better, but she's only around Boo 3 or 4 times a year and doesn't have any children of her own so maybe she doesn't. I'm trying to give them both the benefit of the doubt. I guess I was trying to avoid an arguement but in the process I don't think I took care of my daughter's needs.

How can I handle things like this better in the future?

 

[k4kara]

whoopsie! Sorry for the double post!

:

 

[3 Little Monkeys]

You could have been posting on my behalf, except it's my father in law who does the exact same thing as your sister's boyfriend did. To make matters worse though, he calls dd a cry baby then acts like a child himself saying "if you're going to cry then I won't play with you anymore" I've gotten to the point that I will tell him point blank to put her down, stop making her cry, and when he does call her a crybaby I tell him to leave her alone and then cuddler her and tell her she's not a crybaby. It doesn't really seem to bother her though, I guess she's used to him doing this so she just blows it off and ignores him. Nothing makes me more angry than when someone picks on someone smaller than they are, just to make themselves feel big and bad. I'm sure there are better ways to deal with this problem with your sis and her boyfriend, we see my fil almost daily so I've gotten to where I don't care what he thinks and know he knows what he's doing so I just let him have it. I'm not known for keeping things in anyway. Hopefully someone can give you some good advice, I just wanted to let you know, you aren't alone.

 

[mum2sarah]

My interpretation:

From Boo's perspective: She doesn't see these relatives that often and was not comfortable being so close. After all, she has no idea who she's related to or who her mom is friends with. She only knows who she sees on a fairly regular basis. Your sister and partner are essentially strangers to her.

From your sis's partners perspective: Boo should know who I am. I'm her aunt's partner, and I know who Boo, so she should know me. Therefore, she should be comfortable with me holding her, and if she's not, I'll just keep holding her to show her that it's o.k. for me to hold her, and she needs to get over her shyness.

What your sister's partner doesn't realize is that toddlers do not have nearly the capacity to "remember" people they "should" remember, or feel comfortable around them with no warming up to. They do not think like adults, and are not able to hide their apprehension when someone they consider to be a stranger is picking them up and holding them.

I had this same problem recently. My dh's family lives 5 hours east of us, and we rarely get to see them. We went out there to visit for the weekend, and it had been almost a year since our 17 month old had seen any of these relatives. But since she's the only grandchild, dh's parents feel they have the "right" to hold her and pick her up. And that since they've missed her so much, she must miss them too, and would be delighted to be held by them. Needless to say they were miffed when she did not take well to just being scooped from mommy's arms.

I found myself trying to make other excuses, but firmly taking dd back from them. I would say, "oh, she just woke up from a nap," or "oh, it's been such a long car ride, she's just not in the best mood," or "well, she just hasn't seen you in a while. give her a minute or two." I would say this as I was taking dd back off of them, and it seemed to work because eventually she did warm up to them and let them hold her.

It's just such a shame that so many people don't realize that toddlers need time and space to feel comfortable before someone imposes themselves on them. Dh's brother was the only one that seemed to know this, and would let her come to him. She hit it off with him so much better than Dh's parents, and even two weeks after the visit, she'll point to his picture and say "Ben" for "Uncle Ben."

I would say that maybe you can just try to explain to your sister and her partner that toddlers don't always remember someone as a "good guy," and that maybe if Boo is given a little time next time before trying to pick her up, she'd be happier about it. And if it happens again, just take her from him and say, "I just don' t think she's quite ready yet. Let's try again later." HTH

 

[mamaduck]

What would you say if he was handling a grown woman that way, and wouldn't stop when she asked to be let go?

What would you say if another child were handling her that way, and wouldn't let go of her?

I think the way you handled it was probably fine, and what matters the most is that you *did* rescue your dd. I gave the above examples because I think that speaking up is an important step in these situations, so that she will feel comfortable speaking her mind when she is older. And so that she will not learn that it is acceptable to treat smaller children this way. KWIM?

I think I would have spoken to him very much as I would to a child. "We are in charge of our own bodies. Boo wants to be put down. Please respect her body and put her down. "

 

[grumo]

I'd like to say that as it continues to go on and didn't seem to be ending I would have said something politely like "that doesn't look like a fun game for Boo." The jump in and teach them a game I know she likes. Because in part I am sure they just don't know how to have fun with kids.

I also try to shape other people's behavior by talking to my dd in their presence.
"He didn't mean to crowd your space, he just doesn't you need more time to get to know him."

I found myself in a similar situation the other day while visiting old co-workers. One kept tickling gently dd while she was in my arms. DD kept saying no and hiding in my arms. I could tell this person really wanted to connect with dd and this was her tried and true method. I was standing there thinking the whole time, "how do I stand up for dd while still being polite?" I wanted to continue conversing with the group. After about 5 or 6 tries dd warmed up to the game, but I was still unhappy that I didn't stand up for her and remind this person to listen to dd's words.

 

[natashaccat]

Quote:

Originally posted by mum2sarah just take her from him and say, "I just don' t think she's quite ready yet. Let's try again later." HTH

this is exactly what I'd do. screw polite, kiddo's needs come first.

 

[k4kara]

it helps to have your perspectives.

You've given me some good tools and lines to say if something like this comes up again.

I know how unnerving it was for a family member to act this way, I can't imagine a stranger picking my toddler up!!!

I think, no, I know in that situation I'd have no problem speaking up, but with family hopefully some gentle instruction will get the point across without hurting anyone.

I know my instinct was right to protect her needs first, now I just need to work on saying something so that folks know how to look at it from her perspective and know why, even as her relatives, they should respect her space. Again, I don't think my sister or Nick meant to be mean, I think they just didn't know any better. Hopefully with some gentle instruction on my part next time everyone can end up happy - or at least understanding. Nd my child ends up knowing her space is respected.