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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
August 9th, 2006

12 years old. As I sit here in the semi dark room I stare at the mantel and wish that I could go get a meaningful hug from the container of ashes lit by the tiny candle. I want the birthday cake breakfast and her smiles.

I just send DH out the door for work and watched him as he walked away. He stopped to look back to see if I was still there and picked a single rose from our bush and tucked it in his pocket. I wonder if anyone in his office knows what today is. Or if the rose will tip them off. I hoped and prayed all last night, please please please let my water break so he doesn't have to go in to work today. I hope he's ok.

Xan doesn't know what today is because he's still to young to have a concept of birthdays or holidays. Today will be anyother day to him. Maybe a visit with his Nana, or a walk to the park.. Or maybe even the day his little brother gets to meet him for the first time.

Me, I desperatly want to be planning a birthday party. I want to make her favorite meal even tho she didn't have one. I want to play and give pink girly frilly crap to her like I have for so many years because pink made her smile. I just want to hug and snuggle on her. I want to see that smile just one more time. I want her to look into my eyes one more time so I can see that even tho she could never speak that she loved us.

So heres to my birthday girl, mommy misses you so much and I'm always thinking about you..
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