[alliegad]

I am not yet a single parent. DH and I have been married almost 4 years, have a 21 month old and a 7 week old. I think that we may be seperating soon rather than later. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe a month or 2, maybe a year.

It's not an awful relationship, it's just not a good one. It's not abusive, he's not a terrible father. He provides for us and comes home to us every day after work. So what's the problem?

We are not happy. He gives me the obligatory peck on the lips when he gets home from work, we chit chat about "how was your day" stuff eat dinner, go to bed usually about 9:00, give another peck, and go to sleep without touching. We are not happy and we both know it. We have had the same problems constantly throughout our marriage as we had when we were dating.
He is emotionally closed and afraid to talk to me, afraid to disagree with me, which makes him keep everything inside and feel unhappy with me, thus showing me no love or affection, and we are both miserable.

We have both always believed that having children is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that you would otherwise not stay in. So here we are.
I don't want my boys to grow up not knowing their father, and their father would not have that, anyways.

My options:
1. Move back "home" to have the help of my parents, 8 hours from DH's job. Plenty of pros and cons to each of these scenarios, as you can imagine. Wouldn't need full time day care with parents help is the biggie here.

2. Move out but stay in this area and work nights, while their father watches them but it couldn't be full time, and we'd still need an overlap day care/sitter, and I really wouldn't build up much money to get out on my own.

3. Stay with DH until I find a day care situation I am comfortable with then go out and try to find a "real" full time day job, then find housing according to how much I can afford and where I should live within the area.

Your thoughts?

Last night we had yet anohter "why are we even together" talk. We are both numb from it. No tears, just a conversation. DH is more reluctant to split than I am. He is trying things like: let's add some new things to our blah routine to spice things up. In my heart, I know that we have tried some version of everything. Yes, we have been to counseling. We're just not meant to be together and it makes me sad that my children will have to deal with this forever and ever.

 

[Charles Baudelaire]

Feel free to flame or reject my opinion, but I think if you leave him, you will be putting your happiness over that of your child's, and that would do her irreparable harm and be selfish.

You said,

Quote:

Originally Posted by alliegad It's not an awful relationship, it's just not a good one. It's not abusive, he's not a terrible father. He provides for us and comes home to us every day after work. So what's the problem?

If he WERE abusive to you or to your child, if he were an alcoholic, a gambler, neglectful, or having an affair, those would all be absolutely legitimate reasons to leave (and not the only ones, but legitimate ones).

However, "I'm not happy" is not enough when you have a child. What this means is that you're willing to separate your child from your husband because "I'm not happy." This means that your child will be raised by someone else (if you marry or have a LT boyfriend) - a person who, statistically speaking, will be more likely than your husband will to abuse you or your child or both.

What this means is that because "I'm not happy," you'll very likely be much poorer than you are now. Your child will have to go to daycare or be cared for by others besides you -- again, people who are more likely than you to abuse them or neglect them. At the very least, they will be people who are not as good as you are at raising your child.

Quote:

We are not happy. He gives me the obligatory peck on the lips when he gets home from work, we chit chat about "how was your day" stuff eat dinner, go to bed usually about 9:00, give another peck, and go to sleep without touching. We are not happy and we both know it. We have had the same problems constantly throughout our marriage as we had when we were dating.

I'm sorry, and I mean that, but I also mean that you knew what you were getting into if you "have had the same problems constantly throughout our marriage as we had when we were dating." He let you know in advance what he was like and you married him and created a child with him anyhow, and now, in my opinion, you need to live with that informed choice. If he had had a sudden and completely unexpected personality change -- from Jekyll to Hyde once the honeymoon was over -- that would be different.

Quote:

He is emotionally closed and afraid to talk to me, afraid to disagree with me, which makes him keep everything inside and feel unhappy with me, thus showing me no love or affection, and we are both miserable. We have both always believed that having children is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that you would otherwise not stay in. So here we are. I don't want my boys to grow up not knowing their father, and their father would not have that, anyways.

I honestly think that both of you would benefit far more if you went into counseling. Apparently, his problem is not with you, but goes deeper than you. That doesn't give you the ethical right, though, to separate your kids from their father, because I honestly believe that given the circumstances you've described, divorcing would hurt them worse than staying with a man in a less-than-perfect marriage would.

Just my opinion, but I honestly believe that when you decide to become a parent, you've just decided that your needs and wants are not as important as the needs and wants of your child, and if they conflict (which they will), your child's needs must come before your own. If you would
give your life for your child, as I'm sure you and most of us here would, then why wouldn't you give up what amounts to a few years of your happiness so that they can be happy with their father?

I'd like to add that this is not forever. I don't think kids need their parents when they're 18 years with the same intensity that they need them when they're 18 months. This would mean putting yourself on the back burner, but not forever. For a while.

Quote:

My options: 1. Move back "home" to have the help of my parents, 8 hours from DH's job. Plenty of pros and cons to each of these scenarios, as you can imagine. Wouldn't need full time day care with parents help is the biggie here.

You're an adult, hon. It doesn't seem fair to me that all of a sudden, Mom and Dad get this problem dumped in their laps and get to be free daycare for you because "I'm not happy." They're done having kids. They did their time. Again, if you were being abused, or the kids were being abused, that would be a different ball of wax, but you're not saying that this is the situation.

Quote:

2. Move out but stay in this area and work nights, while their father watches them but it couldn't be full time, and we'd still need an overlap day care/sitter, and I really wouldn't build up much money to get out on my own.

And you would put yourself and your kids through this for what? Most of the parents on this board can tell you how miserably difficult and challenging it is to be a single parent. Many men -- I venture to say MOST men -- do NOT want to marry a woman and support two kids who aren't his. Why should they? Some do. My stepdad did, and I love him forever for it, but I also realize what a rare bird he was.

Quote:

3. Stay with DH until I find a day care situation I am comfortable with then go out and try to find a "real" full time day job, then find housing according to how much I can afford and where I should live within the area. Your thoughts?

I don't blame you for not being happy. I am sorry for your situation and your kids' situation. I really hope you decide to put yourself on the back burner for a while and do the right thing for your kids. Most of all, I hope you folks get counseling and things improve.

Could there be an issue here with depression on your DH's part? Has he ever considered this, or have you?

Best to you.

Last night we had yet anohter "why are we even together" talk. We are both numb from it. No tears, just a conversation. DH is more reluctant to split than I am. He is trying things like: let's add some new things to our blah routine to spice things up. In my heart, I know that we have tried some version of everything. Yes, we have been to counseling. We're just not meant to be together and it makes me sad that my children will have to deal with this forever and ever.[/QUOTE]

 

[Seasons]

Alliegad, I haven't been in your situation and don't have much experience with marriage, so I can't address your dilemma. I wanted to give you

. I did want to comment on a few things Charles Baudelaire said, though. I'm not sure whether I agree with her main thesis or not -- again, I haven't been in those shoes. But

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire What this means is that you're willing to separate your child from your husband because "I'm not happy." This means that your child will be raised by someone else (if you marry or have a LT boyfriend) - a person who, statistically speaking, will be more likely than your husband will to abuse you or your child or both. What this means is that because "I'm not happy," you'll very likely be much poorer than you are now. Your child will have to go to daycare or be cared for by others besides you -- again, people who are more likely than you to abuse them or neglect them. At the very least, they will be people who are not as good as you are at raising your child. . . . . And you would put yourself and your kids through this for what? Most of the parents on this board can tell you how miserably difficult and challenging it is to be a single parent. Many men -- I venture to say MOST men -- do NOT want to marry a woman and support two kids who aren't his. Why should they? Some do. My stepdad did, and I love him forever for it, but I also realize what a rare bird he was.

Charles Baudelaire, first, daycare is NOT per se bad. My child's life is ENRICHED, bettered, by her preschool teachers and peers. It's different for every family; I'm not saying that ALL daycare situations are better than ALL SAHP situations. But neither is the reverse true (that all SAHP situations are better than all daycare). It just depends on the family.

Second, single moms aren't all out to remarry! I certainly am not (and I have had offers). A single mom + child/ren is a complete family. Again, I'm not saying remarriage is wrong for everyone, but neither is it right for every family.

Generalizations are bad. (Irony intended.) We're a pretty diverse group of single moms here, with the only common denominator being that we love our kids so much that we're super-motivated to make our diverse families work: daycare or not, remarriage goal or not.

 

[Charles Baudelaire]

Quote:

Charles Baudelaire, first, daycare is NOT per se bad.

And I didn't say it was. Here is what I did say:

"Your child will have to go to daycare or be cared for by others besides you -- again, people who are more likely than you to abuse them or neglect them. At the very least, they will be people who are not as good as you are at raising your child."

I said daycare was...

1. A place where, statistically speaking, the people are more likely than you are to abuse or neglect them,

2. Not as good as you are at raising your child.

I chose my words carefully. Statistically, #1 is unfortunately true. I wish it weren't, but it is. As for #2, either people besides you are a) not as good at raising your child as you are, b) just as good, or c) better. I am assuming that a normal, functional parent (like most of us) is the most important person to a child and therefore the best person to raise her or him. I doubt anyone is "just as good" if you're normal and functional. "Not so bad," maybe, but "just as good"? Naah. If there's someone better than you out there who would be better than you at raising your child, by all means, give your child to them because it's not in the best interests for your child to be with you because you're not as good. See what I mean?

Quote:

My child's life is ENRICHED, bettered, by her preschool teachers and peers.

I hope so, but I don't believe for a minute that they're just as good as you are or better. You seem like a very concerned and caring parent to me, not someone whose child would be just as well off or better off with someone else.

Quote:

Second, single moms aren't all out to remarry! I certainly am not (and I have had offers). A single mom + child/ren is a complete family. Again, I'm not saying remarriage is wrong for everyone, but neither is it right for every family.

I know they're not, but unfortunately, financial pressures often rule out singleness as a luxury that can't be afforded. Depending on the situation, singleness may not be in the child's best interests, either, finances aside.

I know I'm going to royally infuriate many women on this forum by saying this, and I apologize for any resulting infuriation because it's not a personal attack on anyone's specific choices, but statistically speaking, children of single parents face many more problems and challenges than children of multiple-parent families do. Statistically speaking, they are more likely to have problems in school, problems with drugs/alcohol, problems with teen pregnancy, et cetera, et cetera. Naturally, that doesn't mean that marriage is always a great idea or that it comes problem-free. Nothing is "always" all the time. However, the odds are better for children whose parents aren't single.

 

[Starr]

I am sorry you are going through this. I have never been in this situation but had a very close friend in college who did. She said she could always remember her parents being the way you described, little to none conversation, peck on the cheek. She said it was hard growing up because she could sense that they weren't happy but continued on with the marriage. She was the youngest child and the week they moved her to college they split up. My friend was heartbroken with all this going on and being so far away she called her mom crying. Mom told her the only reason she stayed with the dad was because of her, she wanted the kids to have a FT dad and mom and called her selfish. My friend basicly told her mom that she wished they would have seperated sooner and be happy apart than miserable together and that the parents didn't do her any favors. Now this may be completely different than your situation but I guess what I'm trying to say is its better to have your kids see you happy and starting a life again than sticking in it just for the kids and being miserable.

 

[oldcrunchymom]

Well, I think it is a bit simplistic to imply that Mom is selfish for wanting to get out of a marriage that is making her miserable. That said, it doesn't sound like the OP's situation is completely hopeless. I know you said you've been to counseling together, but have you tried going separately? Maybe that would help both of you to be able to air your grievances without the other party having to listen to every sordid detail. Also it might help you figure out what you really want (divorce or just a new start) and if it might be possible to be in love with your husband again.

Good luck, and I hope you can work things out and/or come to a decision that will make you both happier.

 

[artgirl]

You are modeling relationships for your children every day. Children are very smart and intutitive. Your children will grow up thinking that normal relationships are loveless if they see you in a loveless marriage. By leaving someone you aren't in love with you AREN'T putting your needs above your children's. You are teaching them that you don't have to settle, that you should want more for yourself, that you and THEY are worth it. You are showing them that sometimes you have to make tough decisions and take risks to have a happier future. Maybe someday you'll be able to model a truly loving and wonderful relationship for them. But not if you stay where you are now.
If you think there is hope with you and dh, then by all means, give it your best shot because that's very important too but it sounds from your post that that isn't the case.
You will be a happier person, therefore a happier mother. You have to want a spectacular life for yourself to show your kids how to want a spectacular life for THEMSELVES.
I honestly couldn't even read all that Charles Baudelaire wrote because it infuriates me. That's just me.

My parents are divorced and thank god. They would've made themselves miserable and us (their kids) miserable is they'd stayed together. AND I ended up with two fabulous step parents who have made all the difference in my life.
Your kids will still have a relationship with their father and it may even grow without the stale marriage strangling you all.
Good luck.

 

[BowNessMonster]

i just deleted all I wrote because I'm feeling bitter and resenful of CB's comments and what was coming out was less than productive and very defensive.

It all depends on your support network I suppose. I have a fantastic one. And yes, I was unhappy, so was stbx. The screaming, scrapping and physical fighting between stbx and I began after we reconciled for "the sake of the child". We were both "JUST ... unhappy" together and grew bitterly resentful of being chained to one another, especially after the reconciliation when we realized we are who we are. If I'd stayed with him for "her" sake it would have made my life a hell in which I would slowly suffocated, and just how is this BEST for her? I did not want her to grow up seeing that as an example of marriage, even though I swore I'd never do that to my shild (having grown up with divorced parents). I tried everything to make it work - but "marriage counselling" takes two and he was unwilling, budgeting is the first step to saving any marriage and he was unwilling, he was not a present parent, refused to do any housework, was subtly emotionally abusive, it goes on and on. I was unhappy and I made a choice to breathe instead of slowly suffocating and taking my dd down with me.

No, he didn't hit me or molest dd; so i should have stayed? BS!

aaaaah still defensive. I agree with the pp who said thank gawd their parents divorced. Mine too! HOLY CRUD, if those two had remained married? I shudder to think of growing up between them. egads.

 

[trinity6232000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire Feel free to flame or reject my opinion, but I think if you leave him, you will be putting your happiness over that of your child's, and that would do her irreparable harm and be selfish.

Not flaming or rejecting here

: I just wonder from where your energy
comes from on this subject? Are your single? Have you left your husband?
Have you personally dealt with a situation like alliegad's in your own life?
I am not judging you, it's just for somebody to have such strong opinions
that seem rather naive in my experience of being a single Mama, I wonder
where you are coming from. From my experience those who start out their
replies with "feel free to judge my opinion", already know that their opinion
will offend somebody.

If Mama and Papa are both very unhappy in the relationship, and try
counseling, try to work it out, then the children will be unhappy as well.
I don't think that people who get divorced because of "only" being
unhappy are doing irreparable harm to their children or are being
selfish. Kids aren't stupid, they are also not easily fooled. If two
people are unhappy living together, they kids will know, and if the
only reason they can see their parents staying together is for the kids
the children could feel responsible. I don't know which is worse?

To say "I think if you leave him, you will be putting
your happiness over that of your child's, and that
would do her irreparable harm and be selfish."
Is hugely judgmental, and in a message board forum
I believe you get your point across much better
with love and support rather than judgments.
You get more bee's with honey than vinegar!

Alliegad when I felt unhappy in my relationship and thought things
might not work out I stuck it out just a little longer. I had serious
talks with my ex (never married, lived together) about the relationship.
We tried talking with our pastor and ex got upset when our pastor
agreed with me. I still tried. I gave my ex every chance to chill. We
didn't really have any "problem" except the fact that he thought we
should marry before our child was born, and I wanted to wait until
after. I didn't see me being pregnant a reason for marriage and wanted
to get married because I was 1000% about us. I actually had friends
who said "Oh just marry him and shut him up"

. My choice
wasn't being respected, I thought about spending the rest of my life
with somebody who didn't respect my choice. I gave him time to think,
I gave him time to talk, and it got worse, so I knew what to do.

Could you try counseling? Could you tell your husband it would really
mean everything to you, your future together, and your children if he
could talk to you and a professional about his feelings? I believe that
all marriages go threw a period of change. These times can hurt. But
I believe that with effort from both parties you can come out of this
time with new found love. Do you love this man? Do you want to work
things out? If yes please talk to him, leave your pride to the side and
tell him what you need out of the relationship, and ask him what he
wants. It doesn't hurt to try once more, you could be surprised with
the results.
I wish you the best, please keep us updated.

 

[nym]

I'm with artgirl!

 

[Seasons]

I don't want to get into a big debate with Charles Baudelaire here -- we're hijacking a personal support thread -- but please remember that

Quote:

statistically speaking, children of single parents face many more problems and challenges than children of multiple-parent families do.

is somewhat a mischaracterization, in that it suggests improper causation. Academic surveys of this "research" -- which everybody [I don't mean you personally] seems to assume, but few people actually read -- show that to the extent single-parented kids have more issues than other kids, that (one-parent/kid trouble) is only a correlation . The actual causation is twofold: (1) poverty, because kids in poverty -- no matter how many parents they have -- are more likely to be arrested etc., and have secondary effects from mom's mental illness (also more statistically likely), and (2) seeing parental conflict and abuse (before or after divorce) because such kids are more likely to be aggressive, have school problems etc. Is it true that single-parent families are more likely to be poor than two-parent families? Yup. (The single best predictor or poverty in a family is a single parent.

Statistically.) Do we (society) need to analyze and assist single-parent families, and others, regarding poverty and conflict? Absolutely! But it is very, very important for single parents, their kids, and adults who wish to give support to them, all know that single parenting by itself does NO harm to children. That leads to poor self-esteem in parents and kids, marginalization of this large population group, and LACK of support for us. Single moms have a tough enough row to how without feeling guilt for something that DOESN'T exist.

Back to this important thread... We single parents, several of whom have posted great peer advice to the OP, KNOW that our situations and family dynamics are complex, as is OP's. We don't make decisions regarding our precious children, and our own souls, by following statistics. I'm very interested to hear the support from those who have been in OP's shoes.

Meanwhile, more

.

 

[trinity6232000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charles Baudelaire I chose my words carefully. Statistically, #1 is unfortunately true. I wish it weren't, but it is. I know I'm going to royally infuriate many women on this forum by saying this, and I apologize for any resulting infuriation because it's not a personal attack on anyone's specific choices, but statistically speaking, children of single parents face many more problems and challenges than children of multiple-parent families do. Statistically speaking, they are more likely to have problems in school, problems with drugs/alcohol, problems with teen pregnancy, et cetera, et cetera.

WOW while I was posting 6 people were posting as well.

I just had to point out that my daughter isn't a "STATISTIC!"
That is why people come to this forum to ask for advice from people
who have been threw the same situations. For advice, support, a
hug. Somebody to vent to who has been threw it. If alliegad wanted
statistics, she would have googled "single parent/divorce" but she
didn't. She came her for advice from those who lived threw it, not
those who read about it and can list statisticly why she is wrong.

Not mad, not even judging your posts CB, but still asking. From where
is your energy that you have such strong belief's in this subject?

 

[BowNessMonster]

*attempting to get my undies out of a wad, here* lol

Just yesterday my dd heard a song on the radio, "Soldier" and as we listened to the lyrics
I know some soldiers in here
(Where they at, where they at)
They want to take care of me
(Where they at)

and

I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me

she told me "Mama, you know what? you don't need a soldier to take care of you or ME" and I almost choked on the lump in my throat.

*more deleted defensive ramblings*

 

[pranamama]

I am trying to concentrate on what you said Alligad but the doom and gloom in the subsequent post has me discombobulated. The good thing is it sounds like you get to make the choice you want to make. I hope you can make one and be happy with it.

 

[flapjack]

I'm also feeling very resentful of CB's post- I don't post on single mamas normally because I'm a formerly single mama (now with a new partner who, statistics notwithstanding, has done my children far less harm than their biodad.) Long story. Suffice to say I think that statistics are just that- statistics, based on people growing up in much more prejudiced and judgemental times. Times are changing and my children have every chance of a happy and fulfilled life.

Anyhow- to the OP. I don't think 7 weeks postpartum is the time to make any major decisions about your future. I think you should stop talking so much about it, try acting as if you're happy together and make the best of things until you can rule out the possibility of PPD. Then try going back to work and get some money behind you, so moving out becomes a simpler proposition- because violence isn't involved, you have time to plan. There is no need to rush anything. Counselling is a good idea- but paying for counselling would pretty much pay the deposit on an apartment for you and your boys. All things to consider, and balance out- but a little planning and forward-thinking might make your life easier in the long run.

 

[meowee]

I have to agree that staying in a relationship because "a boyfriend or 2nd husband, or daycare worker will be statistically more likely to abuse your child" is pretty silly. Come on CB, you're one of my favorite posters! What did they slip in your coffee this morning?? There are oodles of other factors to take into consideration.

Is it wrong to put your happiness/ sanity ahead or on equal footing with your children's? That's a good question-- but how great could life ever be for a child if their mama has a crushed soul?

Personally I think you should stay a little longer-- maybe make a looooong term exit plan for when your children aren't so tiny, and would be in school. In the meantime you can maybe try to shore up your education, finances, and allies in whatever small ways you can. Give it some more time. Most relaionships end up feeling a bit like yours at some point. Yes, some are doomed to end, but others are not. You might be surprised.

If, as you state, DH will not take being cut out of the children's life, you probably should forget about the option of moving 8 hours away. He could get a court order to drag you all back pretty quickly. Maybe you would be able to fight it is you had a job already lined up there, but it could be very difficult and ugly.

 

[meowee]

oh, just wanted to add: it is bad for children to grow up with parents who are in a loveless relationship. However, there is no guarantee that when you are single you will find a deep and lasting love. You could, and that would be fabulous. Or you might think that you have, and then lose it, and that would be crushing not only for you, but for your kids too. You could also never connect with someone. There are no guarantees-- anything could happen. My point in saying this is that, if you leave your DH, it shouldn't be with the intention of hooking up with another man. As other posters have said, a mama and her child are a complete family. You need to examine your reasons for wanting to leave-- do your really think it would be better for your kids, or is it to find another man? I'm not saying this judgementally.

 

[alliegad]

Wow. I am overwhelmed with the awesome reponses. The first one, by CB- made me feel bad, and sad, and wrong. I thought: Oh no, I shouldn't have posted here! This is my first post in the single parenting board, and I got all nervous, thinking I'd be hated. But all of the subsequent posts warmed my heart.

Let me clarify a few things, some may make me seem even more stupid/bad-mom to people who believe a mom should stay in a "Just unhappy" marriage for her children.

I personally think that it's a better environment for children to grow up in a single parent home with love and without discontent, than in a dual-parent home where neigher parent is happy.

I agree with CB in that moving home to my parents would be the least desirable option for me, but not for the reasons she stated. My mother would honestly love it. It would not be a burden to them in a negative way as she made it sound. Moving back there would be terrible mostly because I do not get along super well with my parents, AND they'd be 8 hours away from their father, and/or their father would have to get another job to be close to them, and he doesn't deserve that PITA.

DH would (and presumably) will go to counseling again. It is me who feels that it is all pointless. Someone said that his problems go deeper than just with me, they are his problems, and that is true. He always says that he is very willing to do whatever it takes to make "us" work, but when it comes down to it, those are just words and after a day or so of attention and kindness and "real" kisses and real interest in me, he's back to being totally withdrawn and not talking to me. I do try-- A couple of times a week, maybe 4 or 5 (and yes, it's sad to quantify this...) I try to be flirty, to smile at him, just put my arms around him and kiss his neck. All to no avail. He tolerates it for the second that it's happening, but it is never reciprocated, not even for a second.

Those are the times I actually feel truly sad. Most of the time I just feel numb and .... sad, I guess, like-- I pity us sad, not in my heart sad.
I know it's not all him. It takes 2 to make or break a relationship, but really, it is more him than me, I think. (And no, I do not think I'm perfect!!) If he could open up to me and tell me when things bother him instead of keeping it all bottled up for months and months-- I think he'd be more accepting of me, the good and the bad, and our differences (mostly in parenting) and we could clear the air and move on. But he is SO scared to talk to me. He always has been. And yes, while I did know what I was getting into, I don't think I should live with my mistake forever and ever. I was young. I had recently turned 22 when we got married. And I'm still young at almost 26. I can't imagine going on and on and on and on like this.

I am not ready to give up completely. I wonder if some time apart would help us. I am considering counseling yet again (this would be our 3rd round) but am so leery. It takes so long to get into a counselor, they are so expensive (insurance has a $500 "mental health" deductible) and so far, counseling has NOT helped. At all.

I so so agree that kids pick up on everything they see. They learn from what they are exposed to. I don't want my boys to grow up thinking that it's okay to not pay attention to your wife, to push away (either directly or indirectly) her requests for friendliness, intimacy, and love. My parents were like me and DH. No love. No touching. No handholding, hugging, talking, just.... living together. Eating dinner in silence. Sitting a foot apart on the couch when watching a movie. And maybe that *is* why I was initially so accepting of our blah-ness?
I try to sit closer, to touch his hand, and it's fine. But the next bathroom trip or kitchen trip one of us makes, the foot between us is there again. It all just feel so pointless.

I really am not *pleased* to put my children in day care full time, but if that is what I have to do, I won't be ashamed. I may cry, but in many ways, I think that a good day care is good for children. Not as good in many ways as being with ME full time, but good in it's own ways and better in some.

So.... anyways, thank you all for the support. I will keep reading new posts and looking forward to your thoughts.

After our talk last night, DH called me today. I can predict every single thing that will happen over the next 2-3 days. He called me and acted very cheery and we talked about his workout this morning, what he has going on at work today and this week. He asked how my visit with a friend went his morning, what we had for lunch. He'll continue to be *very* interested in me and us for a few days. He'll come home from work and smile at me when he sees me. Maybe even hold me for a few minutes and tell me that he loves me. And I can guarantee without a doubt in my mind that come Friday and this weekend, it will be just like it was yesterday. Loveless nothingness between us. It's "our" cycle. And it's awful.

ETA: I do not *want* to "find" someone else to marry/be with. I actually think that I may be the "single" type, if there is one. I'm very very independent. Also b/c I feel so very strongly about certain (apparently controversial, according to DH) things like co-sleeping, and school issues. ((another story, but we don't co-sleep b/c DH feels so adament that it's bad and wrong, and even at that, the "limit" on having our baby in the bassinet next to me has been *set* at the ripe old age of 6 months, then he must move to HIS OWN ROOM.)) It makes me irate.
Please don't take this the wrong way but in sooooo many ways (compared to how it is now) I think single parenting would be *easier* than what I deal with now. I wouldn't have someone telling me that it's bad to sleep with my baby, that I hold him too much, that we need to medicate our toddler b/c his fever is at 100 degrees, or that he needs antibiotics for an ear infection. As awful as it may sound, I wouldn't have to compromise-- I could do things my way. And yes, to me, that may very well outweigh the other several other potentially positive things about staying with DH. All I meant to say in this is that I absolutly am not leaving in hopes of finding someone else.

Sorry so long.

 

[Charles Baudelaire]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BowNessMonster And yes, I was unhappy, so was stbx. The screaming, scrapping and physical fighting between stbx and I began after we reconciled for "the sake of the child".

If you'll see my first post on this issue, you'll see that I think physical abuse is a dealbreaker. I'm sorry you were unhappy, but I think physical abuse is more of a problem for the mom AND the kid than just being unhappy with no abuse.

 

[AngelBee]

I highly suggest counciling. Take care of yourself mama!