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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a sort-of sahm. I do work part-time as a bartender but my shifts are at night with the majority of the time being when dd is asleep. Dh is with her when I am working. It has worked out fine.

I was given a job offer to teach part-time for the local university (I have an engineering background). I really want to do this. It would be more for me than for the money or anything else. However, the pay is far better than what I am currently making for the time commitment, I would not have to deal with drunks anymore and I could be home in the evenings to spend time as a family. The problem......dh can not take those time slots off of work to be home with dd.

At first I rejected the idea. We decided before having kids that daycare was not for us and we would avoid it at all costs. I would only be away from dd for 10 hours a week but I still was not comfortable with the idea of a daycare center. My reasons being that we practice non-coercive parenting, we plan to unschool, and dd does not like early morning wakings which would be required to get her soemwhere before I work. With some brainstorming, however, we thought of an idea that might be OK. We know of a woman that is homeschooling her 5 yo dd (mine is 3 yo), has very similar parenting practices, and is willing to come to our home. Dd would likely sleep through the first two hours of the two days they would be here. Meaning that dd would really only be awake and without us for 3 hours twice a week.

The woman is interested. We can afford it. It looks like it would work out great.

BUT.

I am fundamentally opposed to a non-related caregiver situation. Yes, we use sitters occasionally. Both dh and I would be working no more than 2 miles from our house. Dh plans to drop in on a regular basis. So I have no idea why this is such a hang-up for me.

For those of you that are very anti-daycare, how would you feel about this?

Disclaimer......Before anyone jumps on me about the mommy wars, I have no problems with others using daycare. I know it is necessary for many people for a ton of reasons. It is just something I did not want for my family.
 

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before i had my first dc, i knew that daycare was something i would go to extreme lengths to avoid. luckily i am in a situation where it is easy for me to avoid it ( i have a wonderfully flexible dp).

i personally am 100% NOT opposed to alternative caregivers. i really believe that "it takes a village" kwim? for example, i am painfully shy. if i was my dc's only caregiver, there is a really big chance they would grow up to be shy as well, or at least not socialized enough. i think that if you are leaving your kids with people who you trust and who genuinely care about your kids (whether or not they are related) they are bound to benefit from it. yeah, they may pick up some habits you don't agree with, but they will also learn alot, and learn how to relate to other adults.

i think it is good for kids to form relationships with other caring adults- i think it helps them feel safe and secure. it sounds like the situation you have is great- i would go for it!

eta- for the past year, i have been working FT and dp has been home with ds, except for 1 day a week when he worked and ds stayed with our friend suzanne. the ONLY reason dp worked that day is so we could afford to have ds stay with her- and while i dont like the idea of paying someone to stay with my kids, the reality is she needs to have $$ so she can afford to stay with my kid, kwim? and she does free care for us alot too.
since dd was born, i have been home FT and dp just recently started back to work on an almost FT basis. in a few months we will both go back to working PT, and ds will probably stay with suzanne one day a week again (dd will probably stay at work with me)
 

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i'm so glad you posted your question, we are going through something similar and you articulated a lot of my fears, trepidation and hesitancy at having a non-related caregiver for our dd.

we are doing ok financially with one income, but dh is very stressed and i am torn between trying to help him out by taking some very part time work and really tightening our belts with a budget and staying at home. also, i happen to really enjoy my career (i am a pediatric physical therapist, working with children with special needs) and would like to keep a tiny bit of energy going toward that. but right now, my utmost priority is raising our precious daughter, nothing is more important to me than that.

we do have a neighbor who has recommended their nanny to us and is wanting to 'share' her. we met her yesterday and she is a very nice woman, but i am afraid that our parenting philosophies won't match up. the other family is nice, i don't think they spank but they're certainly not GD/non-coersive. it does seem though that the nanny would be understanding and respectful of our wishes for the way we choose to parent dd.

i just had the thought yesterday that i could hire her, and potentially take dd and the nanny along with me to see some private clients. i could drop them off at various libraries, rec centers or playgrounds close by and since the sessions run an hour, it's not too long of a period of time, and dd still will be 'with me' full time, ifkwim?

it sounds like this friend that you have might be an ideal situation given the parameters of having to work a little bit. but then again, i can totally relate to your feelings...and believe me...i don't think they're 'hang ups' at all!

i suppose i didn't help much but most of all, i just wanted to let you know that i feel for you and can really understand!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Yooper
I am fundamentally opposed to a non-related caregiver situation.
Why? lots of us have crazy or abusive people in our families so non-related care would be much better for our kids than our families!

You have to do what is right for you and your DD. When my kids were really little and my DH was traveling every week all week with his job, I had a regular sitter every Wednesday for 3.5 hours. She was not related to us but was wonderful with my kids. They looked forward to their time with her and it saved my sanity.

No one can tell you what is the right choice for you.
 

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I think the situation with the woman as you describe it sounds really good. I was going to suggest something along those lines.

Go with your heart.
 

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Could you "try-it-on" for a while and see how it goes without actually accepting the position yet? You know, have the woman just do it for two weeks (if she's willing). Pretend like you're going to work those days (and go hang at the other woman's house or whatever.)

Then see how you feel and how your dd does. It sounds like a pretty good deal and you might be more comfortable with it if you can give it a dry run without any pressure.
 

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although i don't like daycares per say either i think that a mother who is very similar to your parenting ideas and is coming to your house WITH her own daughter is a great thing for you!!! although the woman isn't related to you that doesn't mean that your dd would be "harmed" or your sanity comprismised.

it can help to have kids interact with each other. i am watching another boy who is just 6 months older than mine and he LOVES it. they entertain each other, give each other ideas (like sitting in the dirt and pouring it on themselves....
), they babble and talk and socially interact. its amazing to see that my ds is sad when the boy leaves and that he really is playing and having fun with someone else!!

unless theres a concrete reason (illness, special needs, past abuse by strangers of yourself/friend/close family, special circumstances etc) that your dd should only be watched by family than it could be a growing and learning experience for you both.

of course your the momma and if you aren't comfortable your dd will know it and it could be bad. go with what is comfortable.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Yooper
I am fundamentally opposed to a non-related caregiver situation.
I have relatives with whom I would NOT leave my girls, KWIM?
Our Nanny is so much like us in nearly every way. She is more like real "family" than some of my own family members.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yooper
For those of you that are very anti-daycare, how would you feel about this?
Daycare is not a choice we would make for our family, although I'm sure there are some very good ones.

I really prefer having a single, consistent person caring for my girls over daycare. Someone who agrees with DH and I about everything having to do with our children. And about the only way to get that is to have a Nanny or Mom like you have chosen, whom you have interviewed extensively, obtained references on, and have them in your home.

I really love the Nanny/Mom-friend childcare setup. The children get to be in their own home, have their own things, their own food, their own toys and books and blankets and teddies. And they can go hop on Mommy's bed and get into her closet if they want and play with her shoes and put on her perfume, and be in their own neighborhood, and play with the neighborhood kids, and play with their cat or dog, and go outside and play in their own sandbox or yard, and find birds nests, and... you get the picture?


The key is finding the right caregiver. I tell you, if you can find her, (and it sounds like you might have), you will feel less stressed about this, and your daughter will grow to love her just like family.
 

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I found a job that I liked that started out as PT and went to FT. DH quit his job and stayed home at that point. For us daycare isn't an option, either we get by on two incomes or we work opposite days, it's important to us that our kids spend the majority of their time with us.

But if it were only 10 hours a week I would be fine with hiring a friend or family member to watch them (mabye even a nanny if I had nanny cams installed). We had to do this at one point because for a while DH went to work on mon mornings before I got off mon mornings. So DS stayed the night at my friend's house (she was also a coworker and I felt comfortable with her as she was a CNA and I saw how gentle she was with our elderly residents) who also had a granddaughter his age (2) It was cool cause she coslept with both of them
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
We tried it out today. The woman was totally fine with trying it out for a few days to see how we all like it. The kids LOVED it. I am going to meet with her one on one to really discuss the nitty-gritty and see if I still like the vibe.

When I said non-related, I did not mean blood
I have many family members that I would never leave dd with. I meant more like friend or family that we know well.

I will keep you posted
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Yooper
We tried it out today. The woman was totally fine with trying it out for a few days to see how we all like it. The kids LOVED it.
That's great! It sounds like it going to work out well for everyone. I bet the kids get to be really close
 

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I have been a SAHM for ten years. I was really anti-daycare. Notice the "was"....
I did use babysitters here and there so dh and I could have date night or when he was out of town and I had something in the evening. But no "regular" care besides me. I was very adamant and dh and I agreed to it before we got married (both of our moms were SAHMs).

Let me tell you what changed my mind. I spent 100% of my time, for ten years - a DECADE - changing diapers and filling sippy cups and trotting around to library story time and mommy and me gymnastics and playdates and preschool. Even my nights out were kid related - even though the kids weren't with me. PTA meetings and toddler group parent ed and scrapbooking pix of my kids. It was not balanced! I got burned out, big time. It was not pretty.

I think that ten hours per week is not that much. It will be something stimulating and fulfilling for you - in an adult way. More money. More family time together. I vote to absolutely do it if you want to. Glad the trial went well. Sounds like a perfect solution.
 
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