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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is more a vent than anything else, but I'm open to any insight or suggestions.<br><br>
I was married to my 6-yr-old DD's father and left him when he physically abused me while pregnant. We have had no contact with him, parental rights were terminated when DD was a few months old (voluntarily by him, for many reasons - one being he got someone else pregnant, married her and moved on.) I raised my DD completely on my own, with emotional support from good friends, and only casually dated until meeting my ex-fiancee who I was with for a year and half. We have just had a messy breakup.<br><br><br>
I'm having a very difficult time dealing with the breakup of my last relationship. I think the overwhelming reason is not so much grief at losing him and witnessing my DD's hurt, but the fact that his actions and mine dragged me back into the horror of my marriage breakup, because things happened that mirrored it. things that don't happen in normal relationship breakups, or at least none I've seen.<br><br>
The same things happened - my home and possessions were violated, both men stole things, trashed my stuff, acted with such hatred and vitriol toward me you'd think I shot their mamas or cheated on them, with no basis for such deep aggression. I felt afraid in my own house. I could not sleep or eat. I was brought to the level of pure fight or flight response. I did both at various times.<br><br>
It's more awful to me because my recent ex was nothing like my ex-H until the breakup. Our problems were completely different (I consider ex-H an actual pyscho, as did the police) ex-fiancee and I fought and broke up over him being a commitment phobe and me wanting him to step up financially (he was freeloading.)<br><br>
I know a lot of this is ME and my bad choices in relationships, but I don't know how to fix it. This second relationship was GOOD for over a year. I grew to trust and believe in it, and trust my daughter in it. Now I feel as though I can't trust myself or my judgement at all.<br><br><br>
I did go to therapy after my marriage and I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, at the time acute but now I think it's chronic, because I feel the same way. I never took meds because I didn't feel comfortable doing so while nursing, and I react oddly to most medication overall, so I'm not really open to that idea now either. I feel therapy is not an answer at this point, I feel I am just going to be told what I already know, with no solutions and quite frankly, I can't afford it. And I'm tired - so tired. I'm afraid I'm really bitter now, I fought it for years and thought I overcame it, but this second bad relationship ending just dug everything up again, things I feel were too awful to go through more than once.<br><br>
Ugh, this is so long, thanks for reading.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Maybe you just need a step back from any relationship in general and find out "who you like". I know personally I don't date for a overwhelming number of reasons, but I know that I'm "attracted" to a certain type of personality. It's not bad or anything, but I know who I"m attracted to generally aren't "marriage material, IYKWIM? I just don't have time to date people who aren't marriage material because I literally have no time to date. *sigh* I'm sooo going to be that crazy lady with the cats!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I realize that nothing was similar until the breakup, but maybe there were some similar characteristic traits that both men had that you just didn't want to see at the time. Perhaps a flashback of "wow, ex used to do something like that". I know I've had those.<br><br>
Of course, i'm just speaking from my own experience. Please let this be a learning lesson about safety issues related to your daughter as you were talking about your ex trashing your house. I know you never intended for any of this to happen, but i'm sure she's traumatized as well by this.<br><br>
I wish you peace and healing. Break ups are soo hard. Feel free to vent anytime you need to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> Ohhhh mama! All I can offer you is a hug as I'm still in a messy emotional place myself but I couldn't not respond to you!!
 

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I'm so sorry.<br><br>
Can you just focus now on creating a safe space for yourself and your daughter? I know I sound like a broken record, but is there a women's center or DV place with a support group around you? They can be just wonderful about helping women get through things like this.<br><br>
I am concerned for your daughter. Do you have other family around who can help stabilize while you pick up pieces and recover? If not, is it possible to move closer to family?<br><br>
I understand about no drugs. Meditation can really help. I'd recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Full Catastrophe Living" books and meditation guides. Yoga helps too, and your daughter can do it with you, though you may want to do some of that alone -- sometimes the physical release can bring emotional release, and people surprise themselves by crying in the midst of doing yoga.<br><br>
peace, mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all so much for the support and advice and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> back to you.<br><br>
Mama40, fortunately, my family is nearby - we moved this year - and my DD was with my parents/sister and her family when most of the really ugly stuff was going down, so she didn't directly witness it. What we're experiencing now is her working through her emotions of losing a man who told her he wanted to be her daddy (she is learning to read and write and her practice writings contain a lot of "My daddy left and I don't like it" and "I do not like my dad" - not sure how to respond to this other than let her know it is safe to show whatever feelings she wants to show and that it is okay to be sad.)<br><br>
And she sees me going through the motions of life and work daily, but I cannot hide my grief, fear and tears sometimes though I try. It is literally hour by hour, one hour I'm fine and distracted and we have fun and the next I'm overcome and crying. I keep thinking this will get better with time, but time just isn't moving fast enough. I have always been "strong" and told how strong I am and feeling so weak and feeling like a victim for a long period of time is a problem for me - another thing I need to work on with myself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
thank you for the recommendations, I am checking out Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Full Catastrophe Living" now. I have been interested in yoga for a long time, and have bought videos and supplies for home yoga but haven't started yet. Will make that effort now.
 

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I posted something that echoes a lot of what you said in your post. I am having a ahrd time with my break up too and it is difficult to see that I am not too far down the road this time than I was with my prior divorce, KWIM? Believe me I feel for you and I understand where you are.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Namaste,<br><br>
Michelle
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I have read your thread Wychywoman and identified with many of the things you said as well! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I hope you all have a great weekend.
 
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