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. . . . .the birth announcements, "i'm in labor" threads . . .<br><br>
Anyone else struggle with this?<br><br>
The May DDC is picking up, and I can't help but think about my first little one. The one not here. A boy, I think. Can't say what makes me think that, just intuition I suppose. It's hard to *not* be TTC and watch the babies roll on in . . . .I was supposed to be pregnant by now. I wan't supposed to lose the second one, too. The first one was just horrible bad luck. These things happen (that's what they said, and I believed them). After the bleeding started again back in late Februaury, I just knew. There was no hope left in me. I had to let go, or lose myself with this baby. So I let go. Let go of the one thing that was supposed to carry me through the next few weeks. Through my first due date that will pass without my baby.<br><br>
Here I am. No baby ( a wonderful DD, ready to go to kindergarten this fall, and I am so grateful every day for her. believe me, I am. I do know how lucky I am to have my family). I miss my babies. I miss the promise for tomorrow.<br><br>
Thanks for listening. I feel horrible for not sharing the joy these new little ones bring.
 

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I feel the same way <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
It is so hard to get excited about it when I never got that chance. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
I really hope to be able to TTC when DH gets back from Iraq.
 

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I know. Jealousy is a difficult emotion. I hate feeling this way, but to not acknowledge it . . . well, that just won't work. I think the way to move through this is to let it run through me. Pass on. Then, as time goes on, it will fade (I hope), and I will remain. Stronger for it.<br><br>
Thanks.
 

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Yeah, it's hard...I keep peeking in on the Sept 07 DDC that I was in and seeing everyone finding out the sex, planning, belly shots. It's hard. I don't know why I even look, but I do. It's like some sick kind of self torture.<br><br>
I should be 20 weeks pregnant so it's just hard to not think about how big I would be right now...how we would know the sex, have the name picked out.<br><br>
I'm very happy for everyone that is pregnant and bringing their new little ones into the world, but at the same time very sad for myself.
 

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Andrea.... a big hug to you my friend. I too feel the ache - jealousy - anger of a dream lost. I couldn't keep out of the Jan 07 DDC, as much as I would cry and feel physically ill...I would be checking it on a regular basis.<br><br>
3 of the families that I work with are expecting now. My sister is expecting - twins in December. I paste a smile on my face and congratulate them and listen to their stories while dying a little inside.<br><br>
I have such negativity in my brain while dealing with their joys. I think about how there could have been a 3 month old in my arms now. I had a dream in the early stages of my "threatened abortion" (how I hate that term)... I was told that 'she' would be alright. As I have 3 boys, that would have been a guess outside my thought process...<br><br>
So, in my moments of anguish and pain, I am so thankful for the support here.... in my moments of happiness, I am so thankful to be able to offer words of support for others.<br><br>
I am sorry for your pain Andrea. Thank you for sharing.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks Mich. Here's another one - "missed abortion". Lovely terminology. I heard about your sister (other thread, I do follow a bit). It's so hard to be confronted with pregnancies close to us. I feel your pain, in many ways. It just isn't fair. Boy, if only stomping up and down a bit would really fix things (G seems to think it will some days!). I believe I have perfected "the smile", though. It actually hurts a little, smiling so wide I sometimes think I must look possessed.<br><br>
Rach03 - thanks. It really is some sort of self-imposed torture. I lurk on both the May and October boards. Perhaps I will take a break . . . .
 

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Hugs mama. It is hard. When I had my D&E not too long ago, it seemed as though every woman I met was pregnant, about to TTC, or just had a baby. It is pretty difficult also because my DH and I can't start trying for quite a while. *sigh*<br><br>
I know how you feel. Hang in there.
 

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I know that smile Andrea! Have one myself infact. I tend to put make up on when I feel like crap inside....I have never looked so good for so long let me tell you. Makeup everyday all day for months now. All part of the mask - if she looks okay she is okay....<br><br>
Wouldn't it be nice if the medical professionals involved could use the clinical terminology in the charts and a compassionate vocabulary in person?<br><br>
The old foot stomp temper tantrum, if it helped I would be all over that. *oh, if only it was that easy...sigh*<br><br>
Say hello next time you stop by.<br>
We don't have a representative of the 'Raging Lunatics' in Maine yet. (you just might qualify <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> )
 

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I'd argue about the 'raging lunatic' label if it didn't fit so darned well.<br><br>
In my very humble experience, the torturous jealousy of other women being pregnant starts to fade. I am not as torn up as I used to be. Of course, it has been 7 months since anyone I know gave birth, and I don't know any pregnant people (keeping fingers crossed), so it could all be a pipe dream too.<br><br>
But I don't see pregnant women or babies in public and have to avert my eyes anymore. It doesn't deliver a shock of pain the way it used to. Time, once again the answer is time.<br><br>
And I know, I know, I know. It's horrible to feel monstrous at someone else's joy. But it seems to go with the territory among us 'serial miscarriers' (bet you love that term too, don't you?) and those who won't be having any more biological children. It's natural. It's normal.<br><br>
And stay away from that DDC!<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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You know, some days "raging lunatic" really does apply . . and it fits the lunatic smile I wear many days. As for the make up, does chap stick count? I have reverted to wearing a very pale mascara and sunblock (as a redhead, I look nearly dead without any makeup, and I have found a company that makes very light brownish-red mascara for redheads . . . . .I am almost daring folks to ask what's wrong by looking so drab!).<br><br>
Keri- I wish I could say that I have not encountered pregnant people in a while. They are everywhere I turn. Popping out all around me (quite literally!). Most of the time it's managable. Sometimes I run away.<br><br>
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?<br><br>
Oh, and I prefer the term "repeat loser" to "serial miscarrier"!!! Just kidding!
 

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Andrea---I am sorry you are constantly stalked by pregnant women. Icky occupational hazard. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Yes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I hope. It definitely makes us more empathetic towards others. I would think that when/if we do have a child, it will make us more thankful, a little caught up in the miracle. I know, big if. But still.<br><br>
Custom mascara for redheads, who knew!<br><br>
Chapstick doesn't really count! Avon has a new line of sheer lipstick that is my new favorite. You know it's good when the DH thinks it's my natural lip color.<br><br>
But whatever works for you. Mich and Tan and I figured out that we all do that "I'm okay! I'm okay" thing by being a little more attentive to makeup. I look okay, I must be okay. I know, insane.<br><br>
Hang in there---stay away from the DDC!
 
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