[mobeans]

hey, all. I have mostly been lurking, but now would like a bit of input for a situation that I am sure will reoccur.

My DP and I were swimming in a hotel pool with our little one, 13 old month son. Now, really, he looks exactly like me, his biological mom, and nothing like his other mom. We were in a rural area of Texas, not a safe or friendly place to begin with. A young girl, probably 13 or so, asks "who's his momma?" and I say, "well, I carried him" and she says "so, who's his momma?" My DP, having grown up around there and not wanting to educate the world in an area where they drag men to their deaths, just said "she's his mother" and we tried to go to another area. Then the girl swims over and says "well, who's his daddy?" At this point, I am out of earshot, but DP says "None of your business" and swims over to us and says she wants to get out. we get out of the pool, and by the time we are back in the room, the phone is ringing, crank calls, rude comments, threats. We actually sign out of the hotel and leave, not a little feeling overwhelmingly sad.

Anyway, i know this is not the first or the last, but is my only option to lie and negate my DP's role when we are in scary places? I use to be in your face, but admittedly now there is a young one involved and if there is a danger, I take the less dangerous way out. BUT, I don't want my ds to see us implying anything is wrong with our family. Please just don't say "Oh, we are always out" because if we are feeling threatened, I am not at a place where I would martyr my DS for the cause.

Okay, this is long, and I just wanted some input how others deal with ignorant, small minds that could become harmful.

TIA.

 

[Arduinna]

I have no experience or advice (being bi and married ) I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry that people are like this. I would have been scared too and I would have lied and gotten out of there. I lived in TX for awhile in my youth and I can completely understand why were worried.

I would never martyr my child for any cause either. ((HUGS))

It's a really sad world we live in that we have to fear for our safety because of who we love!

 

[nurnur4evr]

I have a very distant perspective, since I am straight, married, and far from Texas, near the Rockies of Colorado.

First, it sounds like the 13 yo girl may have been set up to ask you, since you started receiving harassing phone calls, presumably from adults who were involved in this. So, they may have been after you; you were right to leave and not try to make a point.

I think it was good your partner walked away. In another situation, humor might have worked. "Who's the mom?" "Well, which one of us do you think he looks like?" "Where's his daddy?" "Come here, I'll whisper, I can't say it out loud." (whisper) He's . . " and here fill in something outrageous. "He's of another race" or "he's a very famous politician running for re-election so I can't name him." Etc. etc., etc. That might diffuse tension in the future, and help everyone realize they need to mind their own business.

I would avoid explanations about who carried the child. It really is out of line for people to point out differences in others; just like you don't go up to anyone who is different in any way and start pointing or asking questions. Children are curious and sometimes don't know better, but a thirteen year old should know. By using humor, you may gently embarrass the person enough so that they won't persist in asking. You really have the right to your family privacy, and don't feel that you need to explain to anyone who asks. It isn't your job to educate these parts of the country. You are right that your job is to protect your child. You don't need to lie; just politely deflect the question.

The best thing, though, is to not go to places in the States (or world) like this if you can help it. It's just not worth it. There are lots of places in the world where you would feel safe. You can come to Colorado. It's pretty accepting, especially in the Boulder area.

In my own life, I lived with my now-husband for years before we got married. My father would not speak to me for almost the first two years because of the terrible thing I was doing by "living in sin". Eventually, he accepted my partner, and eventually we got married. The irony is that after my mom died, my dad found a female companion and they travel all around the world together, presumably "in sin". It's a strange world.

Best of luck.

 

[UrbanPlanter]

s mama - how rough that must have been for you and dp. I agree with everything nurnur4ever said - great post.

Oh, and NYC is also very welcoming and nonjudgemental - so you could enjoy a vaca here sometime (I'm always telling people to come here, aren't I??)

I'm sorry that people can be so stupid and narrowminded.

OT: nurnur4ever - my ds calls bfing nur nur!!

 

[nurnur4evr]

OT to AdrianneWe,

"Nur-nur" was my daughter's very first word, at about 9 months as I recall. (I said "Nur-nur" one day when we were sitting down to nurse, and I could see in her eyes that she had made the connection. The next morning when she woke up next to me, she looked at me and said "nur-nur"). The rest as, they say, is her-story.

Nurnur4evr

 

[Lucky Charm]

I have no experience either.

I agree that the child was prompted to ask you (not that it makes it any easier). I mean, i have three kids, and they have never gone up to a complete stranger and asked who there mother or father was.

I'm sorry that this has happened. ick.

 

[Ann-Marita]

I'm so sorry this happened. I'm straight, but I live in Texas - thankfully, in an area that is open and welcoming (dare I say Liberal?). But I know how those small Texas towns can be. Argh!

I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted to offer support.

 

[mobeans]

well, thanks, I appreciate the input. there is no way to stay away from this area, it is DPs home, and when we go visiting, there we are!

I think it just hurts my heart, knowing that someday, ds will be old enough to ask why we are leaving, and somehow confirming that we are wrong since we are the ones leaving. just wanting to always be positively affirming my family.

Thanks, everyone.

 

[seedgirl]

We live in a very liberal area and STILL get harassed. My wife is very butch. It really confuses people to the point of rudeness and more when they cant figure out who is who.

So sorry about that. You and your family have a tough situation based on geography.

 

[proudmamanow]

to you and your

beautiful family

and

:

:

: to those bigots--and to them manipulating a young teen into playing a role in this!

I think you both handled it very well! I totally hear you about choosing your degree of outness in various situations/levels of safety...and not yet being a parent I can only imagine how much more difficult that decison will become when we have a little one.

you both sound like very thoughtful, caring people to me and I think you both did exactly the right thing under the circumstances.

A thought (and forgive my ignorance as I don't have any experience with this)...is there some way you can complain to the hotel?? Not necessarily to the local hotel...but are they part of a bigger company you can complain to? At the very least, recount your experience at their hotel...complain about the fact that they were able to easily access your phone...

Mostly I wanted to say that I'm so so sorry you had to deal with this...how frightening, upsetting & frustrating....