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Has anyone adopted first then had bio. children?

820 Views 12 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  chelseamorning15
It seems that most stories I come across are of families who first had biological children, then adopted. I was wondering if any of you have done it the other way around.
The reason I ask is because dh and I are trying to decide how to start our family after our loss--our son Cole was stillborn. I'm pretty much terrified to TTC again, but haven't totally written it off for the future. We're both very much open to adoption, and I'm thinking it might be a great way to start our family.
Thanks for sharing.
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I'm so sorry for your loss, mama. I hope you're healing well and taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally. This road to parenthood is rough for some of us, isn't it?

Anyway, I guess we kind of might be? I dunno. We have always wanted to adopt and have bio both. When our infertility issues started to get more serious, we made a decision to not do anything more invasive than Clomid and focus on adopting instead. So, now we have our daughter home, and it's still up in the air what/when we'll do if we want a second child.

I will say that adoption is another whole ball of anxiety. We were in the adoption process for nearly 18 months before finally bringing home our 8 month old last month.

(we have 4 kitties here too
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Me and my DH asked ourselves the same question and here we are waiting for a referral. I think eventually you will just "know" what is the best option at this time. After looking into adoption more and more we decided even if I were to get pregnant we were going to adopt down the road. I agree though that adoption can be just if not more emotional than TTC. At least when TTC the choices and timetable is set by you and when you want to start. Adoption you hand over all control and while the choices are still up to you you have no timeframe than if you were pregnant and you know the baby will be there in 9 mos.
Also forgot to add that if your looking into adopting I would start out by deciding whether to go domestic or international. That may be a factor in your choice. We are adopting from Guatemala and for us things have gone very smoothly, so far.
Thank you both for responding.
I'm just having such a hard time with this. I understand how emotionally draining the adoption process can be, but adoption would guarantee us a live baby, when now we know that getting pregnant will not. I also imagine that I would be a little less stressed about it since I wouldn't have the constant physical reminder like I would with a pregnancy that something could go wrong. It's so sad that having a biological child would be less expensive. I just don't know what to do. Regardless, we aren't going to make any decisions for at least a month so we can heal a bit more.
Thanks again-I really appreciate it.
I just wanted to clear something up, adoption does not guarantee you a live baby at the end, it doesn't guarantee you a baby at all. This is often a misnomer in adoption. Even in international adoption, placements and referrals fail. I have a friend who has had several failed adoptions, one time she was at the actual birth, another time she actually took the baby home. Failed placements are not unusual. Birthmothers have the right to change their minds, sometimes in international adoptions babies that were once available may not be available. There are no guarantees.

Also, with many agencies you have to show that you are unable to have biological children. A SW will fully investigate why you want to adopt. (to replace Cole? because of fears and insecurities of getting pregnant again?) Be prepared to be asked these questions and answer them, truthfully. I am very sorry for your loss, but I am not so sure adoption is the way to go. While adoption can be rewarding, it also has its pitfalls and is quite an emotional rollercoaster. Also mixing bio and adopted children brings on its on set of problems (I know from experience on this)
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First off Im sorry to hear about your loss.
I cant imagine loosing a child, but I do know what the heartache is like. Our oldest is adopted. She is actually our second cousin and we have had guardianship of her since she was two. We finally were able to adopt her when she was four, but not after much struggle. Her mom would one day say she was giving her up and then next talking about how she was getting her back. It was an emotional rollercoaster to say the least! But in the end it was worth it. We do now have another bio-daughter and the two of them are inseperable. We also now face the problems of her "knowing" that she is adopted and not knowing. She still has contact with both parents and for the most part they are just like another aunt and uncle. We dont discuss the adoption and she "thinks" that she came from my tummy. We know that we do have to discuss it soon, but at this age its a little hard especially since she seems a little insecure sometimes. I would hate to break her heart telling her she didnt come from my tummy at this point. Deep down I think she knows, she just doesnt want to accept. Soo Im probably wrong for not talking more about it with her but the time will come later.

Anyhow....our situation is different since she was older and family was involved, but I dont think it is different in the love you feel etc. There are no guaruntees either way. Suffering a loss is hard no matter what. To me it sounds like you are stressing about the loss of cole and any more possible pregnancys. I agree with the PP that you need to decide what you are really afraid of etc. You can never replace one child with another that is true. I dont think you should give up on pregnancy. Many people go one to have very healthy babies after a loss. My mom for one. She had a loss, healthy baby, loss, healthy baby and another healthy baby. That was also many many years ago before they knew a lot about infertility etc. I would share your concerns with your dr. Perhaps he/she can keep a closer eye on the next pregnancy and help eleviate any fears that you might have. There is stress no matter what. Adopting is very stressful especially since its such an emotional ride. I dont think you should not adopt, but I do think you need to really sit down and weigh all your options.

Well if you are still with me. Adopting is a wonderful thing. It is expensive (our private- baby handed over to us just sign these papers- adoption cost us about $4,000, but it can be upwards of $18,000 for international/private) That is something else you have to think about. Will you feel differently about your children? Of course, your love is different for each of your children, adopted or not. Either way, no matter what you decide, I do hope you luck. Hopefully the stork will visit you soon in some manner or the other. Good luck!
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I agree that you have to *want* to adopt and not just hope it will be the way to guarantee yourself a child. In some ways, our adoption process was as painful as our miscarriage. We lost a child both ways. We do finally have our daughter home, but it was not an easy path.

Seekermage (are you the mama I know from BBB?), I think the common recommendation with adoption professionals nowadays is to be completely honest with the child about adoption. I know your situation is slightly different, but I think it is critical for your daughter. Tapestry Books has many wonderful books for children to help them understand. Plus, lots to help parents explain this.

International adoptions are easily well into $20-30k once all the fees from homestudy, US immigration, agency fees, in-country fees, travel fees, etc. are considered. It's not something that most people are able to just wake up one morning and decide to do.

I agree too with the poster who said that the social worker will discuss your reasons, but I personally did not find that having biological children was an issue for our adoption. Some countries place restrictions, but Guatemala does not.

I will say too that when we were still awaiting our referral, I naively thought the adoption route would be much smoother than our TTC. I was convinced that we would sail right through the process, and I didn't want to hear about anyone who had problems. I was working with one of the best agencies, and we had everything in line. The problem is that adoption isn't just about YOU. There can be sooo many unexpected and unavoidable bumps along the road. Not a single issue we ran into was something we could have planned for, and let me tell you having absolutely no control over your life can make you crazy!

Good luck, and please do take time to heal. I lost our baby at 11 weeks, and it was over 2.5 years before we decided to start the adoption, and it was something we had always planned to do. My baby finally came home in May, 3 years to the month that my first baby was due. Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways.

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Yes I am the same SeekerMage from BBB...I finally made my way over here as well

Can you give me the name of some of the books that you recommend? I know we really need to talk seriously with DD about it. Especially since she seems so insecure right now. Thanks for the help !
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I'm so sorry for your loss, and wanted to thank you for asking this question. I KNOW that I want to experience pregnancy and birth, but somehow feel that I am SUPPOSED to adopt first. Logically (I'm 31, and my family gets menopause pretty early), it would make much better sense (and probably be less expensive, even with DI) to have a bio child first, but that just feels wrong to me somehow. I've been thinking since I began reading about adoption that I'll adopt first and then have a bio child.

Take your time, read and research, and do what you feel is right for your family. I've found that the process for China seems to be one of the most predictable, reliable ones - but I chose China because it FELT right, not because of any other reason.

First step is to decide if you want to go domestic or international, and find out where you meet the requirements. I think pretty much all agencies will send you an info packet with no commitments, and there is a wealth of info on the internet. Once you've narrowed it down and are making a decision, you may want to check into Yahoo groups or the like for the specific type of adoption you're considering. I've joined groups for singles adopting from China and for people in NC adopting from China, and found both of these EXTREMELY helpful in finalizing my decision, planning my path and knowing what to expect.

You can always change your mind later. Adoption can be expensive, but it's just money.

Good luck, and take good care of yourself.
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I have adopted one child, who is now almost 3 years old, and have been actively ttc for 2 years.

When we first decided to adopt (after 5 years of infertility), I had no plans to ttc again. I thought I might try eventually, but I honestly expected that our family would be completely formed by adoption. When we chose adoption the first time, I *knew* that it was the right thing, and the way our child was meant to come. There was no looking back. Even though like some pp's have mentioned, the adoption process was far more difficult than I ever envisioned, and took far longer that I had hoped, I never considered going back to ttc. I just knew we were meant to adopt and I had to stick it out.

So, I was shocked when my ds was about 7-9 months old and I suddenly had all these desires to ttc. It took me a LONG time to work through the conflicting feelings I had. I wasn't sure about the source of my feelings. Was I still grieving parts of my infertility that I needed to resolve? Was I feeling like adoption was second-best? Was I actually feeling things that were whispering to me about the way our next child was really meant to come? Basically, I had to decide whether my feelings were pathological, or whether they were positive feelings leading me in a good direction. I worried about the impact on my ds and how he would feel if we had a bio child after him. After many months, I finally came to a place of peace about it all. I now feel that yes, we are meant to ttc at this time. Adoption may have a part in our future, and I hope it does. I think it would be neat for my ds to be old enough to go through the process with us. I think an international adoption would be a good experience for our family.

So, I don't think "once adoption, always adoption".

I agree with the other posters that you need some time and space to heal before jumping into adoption. You need to be a little bit removed in time from your baby's stillbirth to sort through you reasons and motivations for adopting. I also agree that there are no guarantees in adoption, and I've had friends be hurt terribly through losses such as failed adoptions. I am very sorry for your loss! I can certainly understand why you are feeling the way you are, and why you would be thinking about anything that would mean not having to go through again what you have just been through.
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We always wanted to adopt and when nature did not cooperate in our twenties, we adopted our daughter from Bulgaria. I grew up in Bulgaria, so it was a logical choice. She was 26 months when she came home after severe orphanage neglect. Less than a year later we had a biological son, and then three years later we had a biological daughter.

We are glad we did it in the order we chose... I think adoping our oldest after our biological kids would have been a lot more difficult for everyone to adjust to. Our daughter came with a variety of post-institutional issues, some of which we are still grappling with 7 years later. But she is an energetic, fun-loving, amazing child with a heart of gold and we cannot imagine not having her in our family!!

Our two youngest are absolutely in love with their older sister, and are even a bit envious that she gets a Gotcha Day in addition to her birthday every year.
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Thank you all for your responses. Our midwife referred dh and I to a counselor who used to be a midwife and specializes in loss and ppd, so I am excited to start seeing her. Through the counseling process I hope to be able to work out some issues and be able to see clearly how our child is supposed to come to us.
Take care.
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