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DH and I have a hard relationship. There are times when I don't even know if I am still in love him. I am from French Canada, he's American, and we live in Arizona. If we divorced, I don't think I'd want to stay in the US, and since I want DS and his father to maintain a relationship, divorce is not an option for me. We have talked about going to see a counsellor, but I heard that it often doesn't help all that much. I just want Kai to be happy, but it's sooo hard at times. I have to numb myself by smoking pot all day just to keep going and be able to go out and get Kai with other kids. I feel so far from home, more that I ever thought I would when I moved here. I miss my culture, my friends, my family. Things are so different here than back home. I don't think anyone can really understand unless they've moved to a foreign country.
Sorry about the rant, I just dont have too many people to talk to (we live in a 900 people town, and gossip goes around fast).
Anyways, did counseling help you or a couple you know? I'm still hopeful that we can achieve a happy(er) marriage...
 

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Marriage counseling has saved my marriage a few times. There are good counselors and bad ones. The trick is to read up on the different types of qualifications, decide which one you're most comfortable with, and look for those in your area. Interview a counselor before you see one. Ask how she feels about the issues you are having, talk to her for a few minutes to see what kind of feeling you get.

Counseling doesn't help if you have a bad counselor, if you don't have a clear goal, and if all parties aren't committed to the goal. It can work.
 

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Yes, I can honestly say that it very likely saved ours. I didn't want to do it, I thought it was the first step to divorce but it actually was the opposite. We met with three before we found one that we both liked. We are doing awesome now and I really feel that if we hadn't done it we would likely not be together or at least it would have taken us much longer to resolve things.

From one mother of a Kai to another, good luck.
 

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my husband and i each had individual councelling before we met. in this, we learned about ourselves, and my husband overcame major depression. in learning about ourselves, we learned how to relate and communicate in healthy ways.

i believe that this councelling has greatly helped us in many ways, including our marriage.

i recommend councelling to everyone and anyone--individual and couple's therapy. it is incredibly helpful. it may not save a marriage, but it does make individuals much healthier and therefore much happier as well. so, i would recommend both for you both.

beyond this, i'm sorry that you're hurting so much. while i haven't lived in another country, i understand what it's like to feel alienated from a culture and community. i moved around a lot as a kid--to different places in the US. the US has many different cultures (vary different regions--as i'm sure canadian culture also has variances due to the vast nature of the country), and i have struggled with 'culture shock' many times in the various moves.

recently, my husband and i both have been struggling with returning home. we like our home, truly, but we miss our friends. most of our friends live many hours away (the american ones), and the majority of our friends live in other countries! there are some whom we have not seen in years! locally, we have very few friends; we're blessed to have each other.

we know what it's like to feel so isolated and alienated. it is difficult. even more so when you feel like you have absolutely no one.

so, even on this alone, i would recommend councelling just for you--to give you someone to talk to, to work through your feelings, and help you find some coping skills and adaptation skills to make your life better.

many hugs to you!
 

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I sympathize so much. I moved to Europe to be with DH (I'm American) and suffered *major* culture shock, though I didn't realize it at the time. It made our relationship very difficult and DH couldn't understand how tough things were for me. All that added to a few "out of left field" problems (job loss, sickness and death in the family) and our marriage more or less broke down.

Thankfully, we got into counseling. I still wish we'd gotten there sooner, but, in the end, we got there. And we're still there . . . 1.5 years on. But we're making tons of progress in our marriage but also as individuals.

Sitting at home all day getting stoned is, basically, self-medicating yourself. Pleae look at other ways to help yourself and your relationship.

Good luck and hang in there.
 

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I think you should consider counseling for yourself, too. You sound very depressed, and I can certainly understand why. All of your relationships are going to suffer if you're depressed. You can't have a healthy marriage with the way that you feel right now. I'm not saying that this is your fault in any way, but you need to feel better on your own before you can work on your marriage. Marriage counseling might help your husband understand how he can help you.

You live in such a remote area that is so different from your home, I can't imagine how isolated you must feel. I hope you're able to feel better soon.
 

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Counseling saved our marriage!!!
:

I remember I called up the mental health # on our insurance card and asked for a recommendation and the lady told me who she thought was the best... and she was right. Our counselor was amazing and incredibly helpful.

So... I recommend you try it.
 

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People in our shoes (the particulars of our family) have about an 80% divorce rate. With the help of counseling, we're totally kicking that statistic to the curb. We've had some rough spots, but we always know where to go when we hit them--our therapist. We go to therapy for several months, or a year, and get ourselves right back where we want to be--happy!

I second the folks that suggest individual therapy for you...you're dealing with a lot of grief and stress, and sometimes it helps to work that out with someone dedicated to just you.
You can do MC at the same time, though--it's good that way.
 

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Like other posters, I think counselling has helped us, and we're still working at it. I think we've been given some tools that we didn't have before and while we don't use them all the time when things start getting ugly and we go back to using these, having these tools and a therapist helps a lot.

I know when I was closest to leaving I looked into my heart and told myself that I wanted to know that I had tried EVERYTHING to make it work--that way I would have no guilt if I left. I need to know that I worked at it, for DD's sake.

DH and I have been together almost 15 years married 9 of those and it is really takes ongoing effort.

~ Denise
 

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The wrong counselor made things worse for my marriage and now my DH is divorcing me
Choose the right one, and leave if your gut tells you to. I wish more than anything that I had trusted my intuition...
 

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for my dh - it has tought him to firght dirty...using what we have learned in his favor so I continue to be wrong...we are not on the verge of a split - we still very much love eachother but our communication is not the best so we are working on that....on using I feel statements - unfortunately, he starts to rationalize my i feel statements so we get no-where -

counceling needs to be a full commitment on both parts.

i heard a marriage encounter sometimes works wonders also....1 weekend away at one encounter makes you appreciate eachother again.....
 

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i moved to "another country" at age 23, met my dh (who is originally americanbut here since childhood) and married at 24 1/2. dh say a few weeks before our wedding i changed. s tarted lashing out, having verrrrrrry low stress threshold. 5 1/2 yrs later the cloud of depression is just starting to lift. i think it was the realization that i was commiting myself to alife very different than the one i had alsays imagined. but i never dealt with the issues that brought uo and i just spiraled down.
my situation is very similar to yours. dh and i have had a hard relationship as well. many i times i have thought of counciling but dh doesnt beleive in it. turning to a stranger and opening up intimate parts of your self. not natural.
reading some of the responses here i a feel partially glad we never turned to a therapist, lest it had been the wrong one.
what has helped me tremendoesly is some advice from the postpardum depression forum. It comes from a book called "the mood cure" it reccomends differen vitamin and mineral supplements to take to help your brain cope with reality. I dont have the book b/c i am not in the states but i plan to get it when we visit this summer. I recommend taking omega-3 rich fish oil or cod-liver oil is even better (they dont sell it where i live) - i take capsules. a vitamin b -12 or b complex vitamin, sub-lingul works best. and a calcium-magnesim supplement. those help most everyone and then the book gets into more specifics according to your emotional situation.
this is cheaper, and faster than therapy.

not saying dont get therapy, but supplements will give you strength to integrate whatever changes/personal growth you wnat.

i am still a which sometimes. but i am out of my rut. i started going to a yoga class 2 weeks ago and that makes me feel great.

also getting to a mommy-and-me class like gymboree or my-gym or music-together can help also. Meet other mommies, break the routine etc.

Please try the vitamins, they helped me tromendously. the thread title abt the book i mentioned is - is there a real natural cure/remedy- or something along those lines.

feel better and
.

you can always come here for support.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by gilamama View Post
i moved to "another country" at age 23, met my dh (who is originally americanbut here since childhood) and married at 24 1/2. dh say a few weeks before our wedding i changed. s tarted lashing out, having verrrrrrry low stress threshold. 5 1/2 yrs later the cloud of depression is just starting to lift. i think it was the realization that i was commiting myself to alife very different than the one i had alsays imagined. but i never dealt with the issues that brought uo and i just spiraled down.
my situation is very similar to yours. dh and i have had a hard relationship as well. many i times i have thought of counciling but dh doesnt beleive in it. turning to a stranger and opening up intimate parts of your self. not natural.
reading some of the responses here i a feel partially glad we never turned to a therapist, lest it had been the wrong one.
what has helped me tremendoesly is some advice from the postpardum depression forum. It comes from a book called "the mood cure" it reccomends differen vitamin and mineral supplements to take to help your brain cope with reality. I dont have the book b/c i am not in the states but i plan to get it when we visit this summer. I recommend taking omega-3 rich fish oil or cod-liver oil is even better (they dont sell it where i live) - i take capsules. a vitamin b -12 or b complex vitamin, sub-lingul works best. and a calcium-magnesim supplement. those help most everyone and then the book gets into more specifics according to your emotional situation.
this is cheaper, and faster than therapy.

not saying dont get therapy, but supplements will give you strength to integrate whatever changes/personal growth you wnat.

i am still a which sometimes. but i am out of my rut. i started going to a yoga class 2 weeks ago and that makes me feel great.

also getting to a mommy-and-me class like gymboree or my-gym or music-together can help also. Meet other mommies, break the routine etc.

Please try the vitamins, they helped me tromendously. the thread title abt the book i mentioned is - is there a real natural cure/remedy- or something along those lines.

feel better and
.

you can always come here for support.
sounds a bit like me. Moving to a new country to be with a DP is so huge. I completely underestimated the enormous emotional toll it would take -- especially because DH and I were both well-traveled, I'd lived in other countries before meeting him, and we met in a third country. How hard could moving to his (western european) country be, right? Wrong! It was a huge shock to my system and I lost myself along the way.

Thankfully, I'm back!
but . . . man . . . it took some getting here and a lot of pain and grief.

If I (and DH) had gone to counseling earlier, it would have helped immensely. I'm a broken record on this board about the benefits of counseling because we went five years without it.

Being in a new country is incredibly isolating and incredibly alienating and puts a huge strain on the relationship. Little daily annoyances and incidents are magnified 10 fold. Every normal thing becomes the "fault" of the country or the DP. Frustrations mount on both sides. It's little wonder depression ensues.

So . .. .all this to say, I really hope the OP can get some help and get out of the fun.
 
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