[Mamabug&co.]

so mean and petty, it crushed you? I mean, literally made your breath catch in your throat and made your eyes water? Was it easy to get over it? Did he apologize for being insensitive? Dh said something so MEAN this morning (I can't repeat it here

) that I felt sad, angry, and hurt all at once. It occured to me to say something back, but no words would come, and I so don't wanna play that game anymore.

 

[fourgrtkidos]

Sorry, my dh has, and I have to say I have never recovered. It broke a trust in me. I don't fully give him my heart anymore. I am having trouble this year though with anger and being able to forgive, so chances are....... you will be able to mend when he gives you a sincere apology.

 

[Mamabug&co.]

Thanks mama...ya know I never thought I'd have this anger towards someone whose kisses made me swoon, and who promised to never let anyone hurt me again. I so want us to be on that level again...that level of complete trust and mutual understanding and love. I am so over the 'let's fight again' thing. I am exhausted and just want to hug him and tell him to let go and love. I refuse to be codependent in this relationship, and I want respect in return. Off to pray...sonia

 

[pilesoflaundry]

Yup we are stuck in that 'he thinks all is well and is a total

' and I'm stuck in this ' I swear I will kill myself if you step foot in my house again'. I lost my wedding ring sometime last week when I threw it at him and I don't even care if I ever find it again

. He has the next 3 days off and I'm not so sure we are both gonna make it.

I'm sorry your dh was so insensitive to you this morning.

 

[Al Dente]

Yes...it's taken lots of prayer and him agreeing to immediate counseling for me to even want to look at him...hang in there mama...

 

[damongeau]

Been there, done that....still trying to heal from it. I think the fact that he used to be so good about not hurting me makes it even worse that it happens all the time since I got back from Iraq.

 

[TiredX2]

I'm so sorry!

 

[Shonahsmom]

s mommas!

 

[rubysmomjess]

yeah...dh can be pretty insensitive at times. It always takes a awhile, but I recover. I'm sorry he made you sad

 

[veganmamma]

When my dd was 2 days old, my DP and I got in a fight and he said, "I'm sorry she has you for a mother." And it took the breath right out of me. I've recovered, but never let him forget crossing that line.

 

[QueeTheBean]

I'm the one who can be mean and nasty in our relationship.

: DH has probably never said a mean thing to anyone, much less to me, in his whole life--he's just not built that way. We are still trying to figure out why I can be so nasty to him. I don't mean it, I can tell you that much. I love him & he is so good to me. I am just SO SO SO very defensive & I think a lot of the nastiness stems from that. I feel insecure & "attack" before he has a chance to (not that he ever would, but well, I dunno . . .)

 

[mountain]

I told my dh yesterday that a crack addict could run the business better than he does. He told me that if I didn't just sit around on my ass all day, maybe I could help...
Ok, I undermined his work ethic & he undermined my motherhood, all within the space of 4 minutes. That was particularly rough.
I waited like 3 hours, and called him, to say sorry I said that (and I NEVER usually apologize) & he totally broke down & apologized for it all.

I know this isn't right, that you should never say stupid things like that to the person you love most in the entire world (well, up there w/the babies, too) but sometimes that's the reason you do! They are the safest place to vent when your whole existence seems to hurt. We did talk about venting together about what's REALLY bothering us, tho, instead of fighting each other...

so you're NOT alone

 

[Pukka]

Dh said one thing to me about 4-5 years ago in the heat of the moment and completely apologized for it later. I let it go because I know he was sincere in his apology.

However, one time he accused me of lying to him about something. I don't recall EVER being so angry or hurt. Being accused of lying is NOT something I take lightly. I would NEVER lie to my husband about ANYTHING! I'm not a good liar in general. Well, this arguement went on for 3 days. I was not about to give in (like usual) and he was counting on it.

There is a bible verse Matthew 7:25 that reads: And the rain came down, the streams rose and the wind blew and beat against that house yet it did not fall because it had it's foundation upon a rock".

Now I know that that verse is not talking about marriage but I apply it to marriage. If you build your marriage (your house) upon a solid foundation, nothing that life throws at your marriage will be able to tear it down. HOWEVER, if the occupants of that house do things to destroy the foundation from within, then that house will fall.

Dh knows my theory and agrees with it - that only WE can weaken and destroy our foundation. And it's little things - like saying something hurtful or accusing the other of lying when she didn't- that slowly chip away at that foundation.

So on the 3rd day of our fight I said, "Congratulations on chipping away at the foundation of our marriage" that stopped dh and he realized what he was doing because we both promised not to do anything to destroy our foundation. The light finally went on in his head that I was NOT the kind of person to lie to her husband and he apologized.

Perhaps you could share my theory with your dh and get him to see that it's not always the big things - affairs, gambling, drugs - that destroy a marriage but that sometimes it's the little comments here and there that slowly chip away at your foundation causing your house to fall.

Sorry so long. I was just hoping to help. Btw, I'm not a religious person and am not trying to push any aspect of religion on to you. Really, that verse is only one of two that I even know! lol!

Hope you're feeling better. I wouldn't let his comment go. I definitly think you should say something to him about it.

 

[Icequeen_in_ak]

I'm so sorry for the pain you mama's are going through right now.

to all of you!!

 

[babybugmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by QueeTheBean I'm the one who can be mean and nasty in our relationship. : DH has probably never said a mean thing to anyone, much less to me, in his whole life--he's just not built that way. We are still trying to figure out why I can be so nasty to him. I don't mean it, I can tell you that much. I love him & he is so good to me. I am just SO SO SO very defensive & I think a lot of the nastiness stems from that. I feel insecure & "attack" before he has a chance to (not that he ever would, but well, I dunno . . .)

Yeah, me too

:

I hate that about myself. Sometimes I'm just mean, I work really hard at it. I know where it comes from and honestly it really doesn't happen anymore, but I can think of maybe 2 times that I said something really hurtful. One was about his weight, the other was about his ability to be a husband. The first wasn't that bad, the second was. I believe he has forgiven me, and I know he sees how hard I worked to change my temper and that a person who used to lose her temper on a daily basis now does so maybe once every 3 months. And even then, it's not bad and I don't say hurtful things.

I hope he can see what he's done and apologize sincerely.

 

[LavenderMae]

In our marriage it goes both ways. It sucks and know what you mean about not wanting to play the game anymore. I am so there!!

 

[A&A]

Yes he has, more than once. And I could repeat them all here to you, even the comments from years back. Unfortunately I have a VERY good memory of these things. You want to know the latest one? He called me Ted Kaczinski (however you spell that guy's name)--you know the Unabomber who stayed in a shack by himself most of the time? Yah, that's what he called me, because I don't have very many friends. My eyes are welling up just typing this. Anyway, I can relate. I screamed at him and stayed mad for weeks. Yes, he apologized several times before I finally accepted his apology. Our marriage is mostly good, which is the reason we still go on together. I forgive what he says to me, but I never forget. And in some ways it has undermined my self-esteem. I'm sorry you're in the midst of this crap.

 

[Irishmommy]

Moving this to Parents as Partners...

 

[nym]

Yea he has, and I still think about it. He dredged up old hurts from my childhood that I told him in confidence, and then threw them at me.

I hope you feel better soon

 

[cappuccinosmom]

Yeah. One thing in particular I still think about sometimes. It was just the most horrible and untrue thing he could possibly have said, and he never apologized for it.

However, he said it during a time when both of us were in a lot of emotional pain already, actually, the same day was the first and only time I ever saw him cry-he was in real, emotional distress. So, I am working on letting it go, and I try not to let it affect my behavior towards him. I certainly am not totally innocent of saying mean things, either.

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