[StephandOwen]

DP is just starting to dig his heels into his line of work and I'm starting to see how frustrated it makes me

I know I should be grateful he has a job at all and I shouldn't be complaining but I wasn't really expecting this.

He works a lot with different countries so there are often conference calls that have to be made during "home hours". Usually he can do these calls from home (if they're after 9pm, which they usually are, he does them from home). These are usually at least once a week, sometimes 3-4 nights a week. They used to annoy me, but I've kinda gotten used to them now.

But now the traveling starts. He just started in this position last year, so he hasn't done any traveling up until now, he's been doing other projects with the company.

Now in May he's supposed to go to Florida for 5 days (I think it's 5 days, he just got the details today). He's been told for months he's going to China but we don't have a date yet. It'll either be in June or in September, I think. It'll be for 2 weeks. He's also heard talks of them sending him to Mexico and to Europe within the next year.

Part of me is jealous, for sure. I'd love a vacation like that where I don't have to worry about the home or anything

Part of me is pretty pissed off because I've done the single parent thing (I was a single parent from the time ds was less than 2 months old until he was about 3 1/2 when we moved in with dp). I don't really want to do it again. I know it's only for a couple weeks at a time but still.... taking care of ds is a LOT of work (he has autism so there are many therapies and dr appointments every week, not to mention all the energy it takes just to parent him- and I can't relax it a little like most parents of 5 year olds can because ds escapes from the house and runs away, not to mention many other dangerous things). None of my family lives around here so I can't lean on them while dp is gone. DP's parents live around here and I'm sure will offer to help but, honestly, there's only so much they can do and I can't leave ds with them for long periods of time (less than an hour) and even then I still worry because neither of them could catch him if he chose to run. I don't have any close friends here.

Honestly, dp is lucky we're going on vacation next week to Florida or I'd be livid that he's going. LOL! He's supposed to go back to Florida for work just 2 weeks after we get back from our vacation.

Some of his trips ds and I could probably "piggy back" and go too, but for various reasons we won't. I have a class I've already signed up for (for my work) one of the days he's in Florida so ds and I can't go on that trip (instead dp's parents will have to watch Owen for that 3-ish hours which will make me a nervous wreck). The trips out of the country we can't go because ds doesn't have a passport and I'm 99% sure my ex (ds's bio-dad) would never sign the papers to allow me to get him one.

:

I don't even know where I'm going with this.... other than to say- does anyone have any coping ideas?

 

[Softmama]

I'd say in your case you need to find a babysitter who is qualified to take care of your son. Is there any type of autism group in your area that could give you recommendations? You are going to need a break every now and then and you HAVE to make sure you plan for that.
My dh travels a ton for work (it pisses me off too, I'd rather it didn't, but I'm working on that part). One of my "breaks" is I pay for blockbuster online and rent movies/t.v. series that I never have time to watch and curl up in bed and watch for an hour after all the kids are put down. I also have really great bath oil for nights that I don't have time for a full hour of movie/tv time I take a hot bath instead. I wake up before the kids do (and they are early risers!!) to do a pilates DVD so I feel like I at least got one healthy thing done that day.
Also, I meal plan for EVERYTHING including snacks so that while he is gone I don't have to think, I just have to read the chart. (this makes grocery shopping really easy too)
It's a hard transition, but after a few times you'll get the hang of it

 

[mbhf]

My dh is gone a lot. Last year he was "home" but rarely actually home, like getting in after bed and leaving before dawn but usually home one or two days a week. That was actually harder for me than having him gone, because I had his laundry, making dinner and packing his lunches, no skipping nightly clean up, etc.

I think it will be easier than you think. You get used to it pretty quickly.

 

[Ola_]

My DH travels a lot too (currently every other week) and neither one of us wants to be doing that when we have little ones. I can only imagine what you are going through!

One of the things that helps is that I know he works crazy hours while he is there and comes home exhausted, so it's nothing like a vacation. Add in the time zone difference and it really can be difficult. Not that this makes you feel better, of course. Perhaps you can plan something to do while he is gone to look forward to? I watch chick-flicks that DH doesn't like

but even ordering some food or going on a trip on weekends somewhere with your DS, anything you don't typically do.

 

[StephandOwen]

Thanks for the ideas! I'm sure it'll get easier as time goes on. I don't see him *not* doing this job anytime soon so his travel will become a part of our lives, I guess.

For his China trip I've thought about going back to Michigan for a week of it (my family lives in Michigan, except one sis who lives in Ohio- I'd probably stop by there on my way up to Michigan). But since he doesn't know when he's going to China it puts a damper on things

If he goes in June I *might* be able to take a couple days off work and have a long weekend visit (I already took one Friday off work in June and we're taking a weekend trip to Michigan... if that's one of the weeks he'll be in China I'd try to convince my boss to give me the rest of the week off work and I'd spend a week in Michigan). If he doesn't go to China until fall I won't be able to go to Michigan, as ds will be in school then.

 

[Eman'smom]

I've found that at least 80% of it is mental. Dh's is gone for X amount of time, so I mentally prepare. Small things like getting out of the house everyday help. Heck some nights we eat yougurt and cearal for dinner with cut up apples on the side.

In your case I'd second the suggestion to finding someone qualified to help out when you need a break.

For us though, Dh is gone a lot during the week even when he's not traveling so in a twisted way that helps.

 

[lisa_nc]

Yes.

My husband travels. Any advice? Honestly, don't get caught up in what you're missing. It's so easy to drag your energy levels down by doing that--feeling resentful, etc. Also, I think acceptance comes with time. I am a lot more laid back about trips (not deployments so much, but I am working on it) now than I was 8 or 9 years ago. Now it's more "This is how it is. No sense crying about it." To quote Dori, you sort of have to "just keep swimming." Being apart makes together time so much more important when he is home for us. I would rather him be gone than a different life with a different husband, you know?

 

[momof4peppers]

I started hanging out in the Single Moms forum here BECAUSE my DH traveled so much.

(then I was headed in the divorce direction, now I'm just maintaining, but love the women in Single moms!)

Anyway, I digress.

It does get easier if you don't think of them as "vacations". Business trips ARE work (and I used to take them, so I know). And a lot of times my H was able to get more done when he was traveling due to the downtime/inaccessability on airplanes, etc. so he didn't work in the office the incredibly long hours he HAD been putting in. I also found routines worked really really well. So if he's "home" or "on the road", my life didn't change that much. I know some people have a "mom and dad chat every day at 9:00 PM" rule that doesn't vary if they're home or away.

In the begining, it sounds like oodles of fun, but the reality kicks in when the delays at the airport start to kick in, meetings get changed at the last minute (my DH had checked in for his plane from Chicago to London, was waiting to board, and got an email saying the meeting in London had been cancelled, he needed to come back to the office) and all that DOES get tiring.

On the other hand, it was good for the kids in that I could teach them geography (we had a big map that we colored where we were and where daddy was going).

You will get used to it. And when he starts to rake in the big bucks and bonuses, and you can start to use air miles that he's racked up for work to take your vacations, then it's not so bad.

 

[zoshamosha]

Yes. My husband travels A LOT for work and, honestly, it's one of the reasons why I'm considering divorce. Seriously. We may make it through it, but it's getting so hard on me.

 

[Yooper]

My dh has always traveled a great deal for all of his jobs. You do get used to it....eventually. Before kid, I never minded. I also traveled for my job so I knew it was not a vacation. I also rather liked having the house to myself once in a while. But after dd was born and I quit my job, it got bad fast. Dh went on his first after-kid trip when dd was 2 weeks old!

I KNOW it is hard work to travel and I know it is not a vacation, but in the thick of living with children, peeing without company is a vacation in my book. My dd is no longer a baby so much of the resentment has faded. I see that you are still in the thick of constant parenting, so it will be difficult to manage your feelings about it.

I agree with a lot of the previous posts....

1. Make it a priority to find someone who can help you with childcare. If I know I am going to get 2 hours to myself while dh is on a trip, that is enough to keep my spirits up. I do not always need this anymore, but it really helped when dd was still high needs.
2. Plan plan PLAN. Have meal plans, plans to go places/do things, rent movies, playdates, etc..... Make the time your partner is away as easy as possible. This does not mean you will not do anything, you just do not *have* to.
3. Establish some special traditions of things you or you and dc do when your partner is not home. For us that means watching part of a movie before bed each night (which is a treat for dd) and going out to lunch the last day of dh's absence.
4. See if your partner would be willing to establish some sort of rules around his trips. For us, it is a "rule" that dh take a day off of work the week after any trip. He has a lot of vacation time and flexible schedule, so this is not a problem. If something like that is not possible, perhaps see if you can get a weekend day out all by yourself or something to look forward to. Dh is also not "allowed" to work late or schedule anything the night before a trip. And lastly, he is responsible for finding childcare for anything that his absence requires. In my case, I work part-time, so dh is responsible for arranging childcare for the times I am working that he would normally be watching dd.

Good luck! In my case, the dread of the trip is usually far worse than the actual time he is gone.

 

[S.Lee]

We buy very few toys at holidays of birthdays, but when dh goes out of town....well that new toy buys me some mental down time, something new keeps ds occupied for a good while (that's how I can be on the computer now

. Don't know if that would work. But I'ld definitely get some help!! We all need a break! I run away to my parents as often as possible when my husband is gone(they are 3.5 hrs away-ds usually watches a movie, even that seems like a break sometimes! hang in there

 

[angie7]

My dh travels a lot for work too. Never overseas but within the states but that doesn't make it any easier. He was gone last year right before our twins 2nd b-day for 3 weeks. He was home on the weekends but didn't get home until the day before their b-day! He is usually out of town at least 1 week a month and it sucks. There is no other way to put it. I hate it. It doesn't help that I am disabled either and having 3 y/o twins and house plus animals to care for is really hard. My mom and MIL help out sometimes so that is nice. I don't really have any coping skills but it frustrates me to no end. He always seems to go out of town at the most inconvient times. He was out of town for 4 days, 2 weeks ago right after we accepted an offer on a new house which left me to do every.single.detail. Then we are suppose to close at the end of this week but he is out of town again for 3 days and we are going to have to wait until next week.

Am I jealous, heck yea I am! He went to Southern CA last year and I was so jealous! He sent back pics of the beach and I could have killed him! I wanted to go and tried but the plane ticket was too expensive. I get tired of him calling and me asking him where he ate and he'll say "I had lobster", while me and the kids are eating hot dogs and mac & cheese that nite. He often talks about going out for a beer and watching a game on TV, while I'm here bathing the kids and getting soaked from the splashing.

I try and focus that we both have different jobs but each is just as important as the other. But that doesn't help make me feel any less jealous and frustrated

 

[greeny]

My dh travels a lot. When the economy is great and his company has a lot of business, he is gone every week from early Monday morning till Thursday evening.

This week he's in Vancouver, is coming home on Friday, and Saturday is leaving for two weeks in Hong Kong. (These three weeks are an exception to his usual travel schedule, which isn't as bad as this.)

It's hard. Very hard. I feel lonely and need help with the kids.

But honestly, the salary is good, and the economy is SO bad right now that I'm just not upset about the travel! Two years ago, he was out of a job for several months, and we almost lost the house. It was scary, and since then I just try to count my blessings.

BUT, it is hard.

I agree with the keeping things simple, the eating yogurt and apple slices and cereal with the kids for dinner!

And getting out of the house (if possible) as often as possible.

And dh and I have both started texting each other a lot. It's such a fun and simple way to communicate during the days when phone calls aren't always feasible or practical.

And this:

Quote:

Also, I think acceptance comes with time.

In the beginning, it was so awful for me.

I felt sad and depressed a lot. But now that he's been doing it for a while, it's gotten a lot better. I manage better than I did at first, and I have learned to really appreciate him and make the most of our time together when he's home.

Ask me again in September when our baby's here, though, and it might be a different story.

 

[momof4peppers]

The other thing I was going to say is that we found we shared many of the struggles that the single moms did in terms of parenting. I don't know how J is with O, but I could completely relate to the single moms who had to deal with the meltdowns adjusting to life with or without dad. The advice given there - to not plan anything for Sunday afternoon, for example - helped me so much. I also learned to cope by letting things like picking up the house slide. Well, my H absolutely positively HATED having the house a mess, so the kids were a bit confused as to why they had to pick up when he was there, but not when he wasn't. While it saved my sanity, it was a lot harder for them. I also found that as partners, I had to sometimes let H discover the kids had learned some new trick/reached some milestone and LET HIM tell me. Rather than me always reporting in on what they could do now. Because I think the traveling was just as hard on HIM in terms of his growth as a parent. We also found that I took over the bulk of the parenting (and nearly ALL of the problems) because he simply wasn't around enough.

Now your situation with J may work to your advantage, if you're still doing the majority of the parenting of O. Because you can hire help - even with O's special needs. And if you're going to stay partnered with J, he may decide that the extra money needs to be found in the budget to pay for some respite care for you, rather than end your relationship.

S - you have an AMAZING head on your shoulders. I have no doubt you will make this work.

 

[Ruth]

This might not work for you, but I travel alot and I take my husband and my daughter with me on every single trip that is overnight. I don't have to travel internationally yet, but I may in the future.

Yes, it is very hard to drag them with me everywhere, but I have the luxury of being able to add a day or two at the beginning or at the end and we make it a mini-vacation when we can. Sometimes it is not possible. Once, we drove 12 hours and then the next day they drove back and I flew back. Not fun.

Maybe this works because we have our own business and maybe this works for us because I am a woman traveling, not a man. Who knows?

As our daughter gets older, however, it is getting more and more difficult to drag her with me. She is homeschooled, so school is not a problem. But she is involved in theatre and in dance and other stuff, so she is putting her foot down more and making me fly in and out just for the day, when we could all go and stay a few days.