[shell024]

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and processing about our UC with ds and there are many things that I wish I could go back and change.

I wish I would have prepared more, and prepared dp more, but alas, how much preparing is ever enough?? I wish I would have stuck with my plan of making a list of things for dp to remind me of during labor and possible scenarios & solutions to them. It makes me

: why oh WHY didn't I drink more fluids or eat something? It makes me sad thinking about what was going through ds's mind when I fainted after the labor and his cord snapped (dp was holding him). Dp told me later that he *really* started screaming when the cord snapped.

He must have been scared, felt alone, shocked, that his precious life cord was just snapped and mama fell to the floor. Now that I am writing it out, it sounds worse than it seemed at the time. At the time, it was just "oh, I fainted...I must need water and to lie down, and something to eat" Dp helped me crawl to the bedroom where ds was laid down. We breastfed, I go the placenta out, and we went to sleep for four hours. Doesn't seem all that horrific or anything, but I think it affected ds in a negative way. All I can hope is that we are showing him enough love after the fact and that he can heal emotionally from the experience. Also, I went through quite a bit of stress during pregnancy and I truly believe that I couldn't just "let go" during labor to allow ds to turn into the proper position. I think he was scared. So was I. I strongly believed that my body could and would give birth and that ds would be born a healthy strong boy, but there was a deeper fear lingering that I just didn't want to acknowledge.

Dp and I had a lot of "misunderstandings" and things were very unstable at the time. There were a lot of tears during that pregnancy, and I was always apologizing to ds in utero, to my belly, to myself, that I'd "allow" such stress. Sure, there were tons of joyous, gleefilled moments all throughout pregnancy, but the negative parts seemed to stand out. And I think the negativity during pregnancy had a strong effect on our postpartum time. I had PPD, but not horribly bad. Diet and lifestyle changes aided the PPD big time, but only now am I realizing how emotionally affected I was/am by that pregnancy and birth! All I can do is love my babe wholeheartedly as much as possible, day in and day out, and prepare better for the next time.
Thanks for listening if you've made it this far

 

[Kidzaplenty]

Michelle,

I am sorry that you had such a tramatic pgcy and birth. However, that time is past, and the good thing is that you can now "go over it with a fine toothed comb" (as my mom would say) and learn from your experience. They say hindsight is 20/20. That is so true. There are always things we regret, it is the learning from them that show what we are made of.

I know that because of your first experience, any subsequent pregnancies and births will be much different.

 

[accountclosed3]

shell,

thanks for sharing your experience. many of the things that you mention about your pregnancy and birth are concerns for me as my husband head into our time to prepare to TTC.

my first concern also is to 'be prepared.' to this, i've started making quick 'one sheets' of the different things that i'm learning. and then, i'll print them out and put them in a three-ring binder. Some of these things are nutritional, health, and related information; others are meditations for mommas and babies and daddies and babies; and others are just interesting facts, etc. I hope that as i get closer to birth, these things make more sense to me overall.

partly because i'm not experiencing ANY of it right now!

my second concern--that my DH and i talked about yesterday--is the issue of negativity. my husband and i are really on the same page about everything and in our 9 years together, we've never had a real argument. a few spats, but nothing major. so, i'm not concerned about that. But, i am concerned about my ILs in particular. I want to be able to involve them in the process--because that's what seems right and good--but they're very judgemental and critical people who do not like anything that is beyond their idea of what 'should be' happening. And UC is WAY beyond that. they're very negative about home birth even! i fear that their negativity would negatively affect my pregnancy--so i'm trying to figure out ways to avoid this while also including them in the process (even if only minimally).

reading your post was very helpful in focusing some of the ways in which i need and want to prepare--so thank you for sharing. my first birth will be UP and UC--and i really like to read about what others learn through their experiences, positive and negative.

Congrats on your baby!

 

[2bluefish]

I'll tell you what I've found - we UCers tend to have very high standards for ourselves. I criticized everything with my first birthing - I suffered from PTSD, high need baby, rough time breastfeeding - I was a mess! This second time things didn't go as planned, but I learned - that's ok! We process, we learn, but ultimately we just need to sit back and enjoy. Babyhood passes so quickly, and I'm just not willing to miss out on the joys by focusing on the negatives. Yeah, I'd rather have birthed him at home - instead of being tied down to monitors and dealing with hospital nurses and protocol - but heck, when I was pushing him out it was me and dh and the baby - I was still in UC headspace - all those other people were just pieces of furniture. Some crap went on at the hospital surrounding ds - they put him in the NICU and I had to fight a battle to get to bf (they wouldn't let me take him home AMA - they were threatening CPS) - and that is the part that gets me the most riled and angry. But I'm not going to spend the next year being angry - I'm going to write some letters and give my feedback and use the experience to help others - and just move on. I've learned that "creating our own reality" isn't so much about control - as it is about learning to "be".

Mother's are really good at feeling guilt - dd was fussy - was her birth too stressful? Ds is very quiet and easy - is he withdrawn because of the way they treated him at the hospital? We can drive ourselves crazy with these thoughts. Ultimately we have to ask - did I do my best? Yes, of course! So there is no room for criticism. I did some things better the second time, and I still had more to learn. I'm not expected to know everything about life and birth at 27!

Some rambling thoughts, hope they help ;-)

 

[arlecchina]

shell, I read your birth story and I thought it was wonderful : $
I do see your empathy for how your partner must have felt when you fainted..but all in all HE TOO did an maazing job and it read to an outsider as being absolutely fantastic, in everything you guys did. reminds me though to paste your story to my partner because it helps us also to prepare for anything.

 

[Midwife Kris]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shell024 It makes me sad thinking about what was going through ds's mind when I fainted after the labor and his cord snapped (dp was holding him). Dp told me later that he *really* started screaming when the cord snapped. He must have been scared, felt alone, shocked, that his precious life cord was just snapped and mama fell to the floor.

Take your baby into your arms now and talk to him about that day. Tell him you are sorry he was shocked, scared, and worried for his mama. Tell him how worried you were for yourself and him, but how happy you were that DP was there to look after both of you. Tell him that there were things in your life that you were working on -- he probably knows!

It's not too late to "undo" what was done. That is a huge premise of what those who study pre- and perinatal psychology believe. Acknowledge the traumatic items surrounding birth and address them now. You'll be surprised at how much your baby understands and coos back his agreement.

Sounds foo-foo but I always "talk it out" with a baby who had an exciting birth and encourage parents to do the same.

 

[dantesmama]

I think we all learn a lot from our first births.

Quote:

There were a lot of tears during that pregnancy, and I was always apologizing to ds in utero, to my belly, to myself, that I'd "allow" such stress. Sure, there were tons of joyous, gleefilled moments all throughout pregnancy, but the negative parts seemed to stand out.

I also had a stressful pregnancy, and like you, I constantly apologized to DS in my belly. He was a surprise baby and everything just happened so fast . . . I ended up birthing in a hospital, without a birth plan at that, and I am still grieving for the peaceful, private birth we had wanted.
I learned so much from the experience, though. It taught me so much about myself. We are currently ttc #2 and planning a up/uc, and I feel so confident and prepared because of my less-than-ideal previous birth. The experience had no bearing on how amazing DS is, or how much we love him, so I try to view his birth in as positive a light as I can.

Quote:

All I can do is love my babe wholeheartedly as much as possible, day in and day out, and prepare better for the next time.

Exactly, mama!

 

[shell024]

Aww you mamas are so wonderful, thank you for your kind words and sharing your experiences as well. Metromidwife, your post made me cry--in a good way

I think that is exactly what I'd like to do and I don't think it's "foo foo" at all. Dantesmama, soory you also went through a stressful pg, its so hard to not feel guilty about it, but I think as our apologies to our babes (warrented or not), the universe will work it out for us with that wonderful thing called karma

I agree 2bluefish, we UCers do have very high standards for birth, and I think that's a good thing. Maybe not when we go to the extremes, but I think it helps us to create the birth setting we'd like.

It just feels strange to me that I am suddenly realizing these things about ds's birth. Arlecchina, as you said, to an outsider, the story sounds great, but there are things that didn't hit me emotionally at the time, so they don't seem to show up in the birth story. But as I've been reading more and more about birth and the emotional/mental/physical preparation for it, its just now "hitting" me that there are some deep emotional feelings in me that I never really acknowledged, or even realized existed.

It feels good to get these things out. Glad there's a safe place to share.

Love ya mamas!

 

[2bluefish]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shell024 Arlecchina, as you said, to an outsider, the story sounds great, but there are things that didn't hit me emotionally at the time, so they don't seem to show up in the birth story.

That is very very normal

I encourge you to write a new story a few months down the road. It is very neat to see how your view will change.

It is also normal that we all have different values - one person can read a story and think "Great success!" while another person can think "I wouldn't have liked that..." I think there are many who would have loved my homebirth with dd, but I actually found ds's hospital induction far less traumatic. But I know the fast pushing stage of ds's birth would have scared the socks off of the woman I was when I birthed dd, so there you go - we evolve.

 

[mother culture]

It is good to get this all out. I hope the second UC will be more grounded.
Can you have a friend keep watch over you after the birth. I think it not wise so fall asleep and not make sure baby has an eye on him/her. YOu need to know baby is looked after when you pass out from exhaustion. As far as being more prepared you will be this will be familiar to you the second time around. You need to know yourself more than anything. Blessings

 

[shell024]

Thanks mother_culture

I forgot to say, we both fell asleep for a few hours after about 2 hours of just nursing and loving each other

So the babe wasn't unattended. *that* would be scary. Dp was great though. he was pretty calm, got me water and food immediately and we got bf established pretty quickly.

And yes, I hope the second one is much more grounded. I will definitely do a lot more preparation this time (mentally/emotionally/physically)...lol just realized I said this time...can ya tell I've had baby fever for awhile????