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I have marital issues ! I do not want to leave my marriage yet as it affects my kids more than anything else and my happiness means my kids happiness. Although my ten year old son is aware of the tension in the house he keeps telling us , I always want you both stay together in the same house.<br>
It breaks my heart when he tells me that. I keep telling him back that I love your dad but sometimes we just dont get along ..just like you and your little sis <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
My issue with my husband is very deep - emotional abuse ! I will do anything for him to recognise this and try to change ! Has that ever happened to anyone ? Am I waiting for a miracle???<br>
He is smart , intelligent , reasonably good looking for his age and pretty active. But he has a superiority complex. He does believe and say he is miles ahead of everybody else. He is pretty smart ..I do give him that ..but thinking low of everyone else and belittling comments on everything around me really turns me off not to mention the personal attacks on me.<br>
His upbringing has got alot to do with it.<br>
His parents are very controlling .Thank god we are thousands miles away from them!!<br>
He avoids meeting secure confidant people and always try to joke about them and I feel it is because he thinks he would become second best.<br>
For a long time I was isolated from friends due to his behavior .<br>
Now regardless of what he thinks I make friends with families similar age kids and try to have play dates lunches etc and it is making me feel better alot.<br>
But still it is not the same as you and your husband together meeting with another family VS you meeting them alone<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Has anyone gone through counsling for emotional abuse . I strongly believe he has 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' . Regular marriage counseling is not going to help . Anyone has gone through this ...any insights would help.<br><br>
Thanks
 

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I am really sorry for your situation. I haven't been through what you are going through. I can say I personally don't believe in staying in a marriage just for the children. Of course your son wants his parents to stay together but I also believe children need happy parents who can get along with each other. You don't want your children to think the way your husband treats you is normal or okay behavior.<br><br>
Have you been to regular marital counseling? If not, it may not hurt to try it or go to counseling on your own. I don't know your entire situation but my husband would never be allowed to emotionally abuse me behind closed doors and/or in front of our children.
 

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if you click to view your own profile and then click "statistics" and then "view all threads started by sdr" . . . you'll see that you've been miserable for years - YEARS - it is never going to change. you will never change him. all you can change is the access he has to you.<br><br>
kids don't get a vote in whether their parents stay together. i'm sure your ds is scared of change, but he cannot understand the consequences (to you and to him and to his sister and even to your dh) of your family continuing to live under one roof.<br><br>
i am in a somewhat similar situation. a few months ago you mentioned the possibility of getting counseling for yourself. no matter whether you leave now, leave later, or never leave him, counseling will be of immense value. if the first person you see doesn't "get it" then go to someone else until you find the right person.
 

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If he really has NPD, he isn't going to change and your life must be very difficult. I have an inlaw with that, and we've had to distance ourselves a bit from them.<br><br>
This community has some decent information on the subject, albeit from a daughter's perspective, not spouse's: <a href="http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" target="_blank">http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/</a>
 

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Yes, you are waiting for a miracle.<br><br>
You've been married for ten years; this is who he is. He is not going to change. So if you want things to be different, then you'll need to do things differently, maybe that will mean separation. I know you don't want to disappoint your child, but presumably, your child does not know what's best for him, you do - and he might not even know what it's <i>like</i> to live in a house without the sort of tension you're describing.<br><br>
And I could not stand that he was growing up learning from his father that this is how a man treats a woman; it will affect his own relationships. So you need to think long-term about how this is affecting your kids.<br><br>
If your husband is a good father, divorce will not change that; many children of divorce see their fathers frequently. (If he is a lousy father, then so much the better that you don't live with him.) But again, if he's decent enough, you can customize a separation/divorce to meet your needs - some people share holidays & birthdays together with their kids, for instance (I do this with my ex, though it's not always easy!). Perhaps your child fears that divorce would mean that he wouldn't see his father any more, or that you'd never do things together as a family or be in the same room together. That doesn't have to be the case. But you need to make a decision about how you'll let someone treat you.
 

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I read through your history <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Please seek help. Sometimes I think people do not seek counseling because they know if they did then the decision to leave would be very clear, but they dont have the strength to leave and dont want to disappoint themselves and/or maybe the counselor... Does that make sense?
 

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I divorced my narcissist. Each day was a fresh hell. It never ever gets better. Though the process of divorce was grueling, being divorced has been a huge relief. I was eventually able to totally pull the emotional plug, set up very clear & strict boundaries, and I can finally breath again.<br><br>
Have you seen this site?<br><br><a href="http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html" target="_blank">http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html</a>
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Thank you all for the advice !<br>
Baby steps ! I am calling today and get an appointment for counseling for myself first. Will keep you guys posted .<br>
MissLotus we have been married for 15 years now.<br>
I do know for sure he is not going to change. I dont have any close friends or family to support me emotionally for whatever decisions I make.Besides, it will be devastating for my parents to know my plight , dad being a heart patient and very old now we try to give him as less trouble as possible.<br>
Rosehip, I have been to that site and I can relate very well !<br>
I soo badly want to get out of this and have a normal life !!<br><br>
Thank you all..you guys mean alot to me!!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15379151"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If he really has NPD, he isn't going to change and your life must be very difficult. I have an inlaw with that, and we've had to distance ourselves a bit from them.<br><br>
This community has some decent information on the subject, albeit from a daughter's perspective, not spouse's: <a href="http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" target="_blank">http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/</a></div>
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Yes, this. I was married to a man with a personality disorder - he could be so charming and fun, and he could also make my life pure hell. The truth is that it was all about HIM, and once I got away from him, only then was I able to understand all the manipulation and abuse I had taken for years.<br><br>
Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself, and for ds. I'm very sorry you are in this situation, but you are waiting for a miracle. People with true NPD do not change, and you are honestly best to get out asap.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter #11
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mistymama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15380974"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">he could be so charming and fun, and he could also make my life pure hell. The truth is that it was all about HIM<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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Sooooo true!!!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sdr</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15380930"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Besides, it will be devastating for my parents to know my plight , dad being a heart patient and very old now we try to give him as less trouble as possible.</div>
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it's very possible that your family has seen the joy fade from your eyes over the past 15 years without knowing exactly why; knowing the truth and knowing that things are going to change for you may be a <i>huge relief</i> to your father, rather than the stress you are imagining.
 

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Thanks for the thread. I have done a lot of reading. I think I am a narcissist, but I am young and I can change this, I think. DH is wonderful (and enabling) and I often am cruel, start fights, and I really don't know why. My children are young, so I think I can change this before it destroys them. I don't ever want to split up my family, but I could see why you might and I could see why my husband might if I continued down this path (though he never would).
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Maine Mama ! Just being aware that you are a Narcissist and knowing that what your family is going through make a big difference ! I will work with my husband any day if he realises he has a problem ! He has never shown any honest regrets for any of his actions. He apologises only just to get it out of the way !
 

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Maine Mama-- google Stanton Samenow, he is a psychologist in Virginia who's worked with narcissists and you could contact him for suggestions on who would be a good person to work with. There are some other disorders which can mimic some parts of narcissism (even some kinds of "ordinary" depression and anxiety can have narcissistic symptoms) so you should definitely make sure to get the right diagnosis.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Maine Mama Doula</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15383614"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for the thread. I have done a lot of reading. I think I am a narcissist, but I am young and I can change this, I think. DH is wonderful (and enabling) and I often am cruel, start fights, and I really don't know why. My children are young, so I think I can change this before it destroys them. I don't ever want to split up my family, but I could see why you might and I could see why my husband might if I continued down this path (though he never would).</div>
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This seems a little offtopic for the thread, but I find it unlikely that you are a narcissist if you're willing to entertain the possibility that you are one.<br><br>
One thing you might want to consider was that if you were raised by a narcissist, you might pick up certain characteristics of NPD simply by being around one and learning how to behave from them. The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers that I cited above call these traits "fleas".
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15385183"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This seems a little offtopic for the thread, but I find it unlikely that you are a narcissist if you're willing to entertain the possibility that you are one.<br><br>
One thing you might want to consider was that if you were raised by a narcissist, you might pick up certain characteristics of NPD simply by being around one and learning how to behave from them. The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers that I cited above call these traits "fleas".</div>
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ITA! I was raised by a narcissistic mother and grandmother and I have some very narcissistic tendencies. However, narcissists don't tend to be very introspective and insightful, which your are MaineMama, if you are even thinking about these things. If you are raised by a narcissist, that means that that person did not consider you and your feelings very often, which causes YOU to have to take care of yourself and your own feelings....which sounds narcissistic, but really is just self-preservation.
 

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Yes, yes, and yes. DH doesn't have a diagnosis but after he physically attacked me for the first time in our 5 year marriage, I started researching abuse and realised my relationionship was always abusive emotionally and I was lead to this website which is the most extensive I've seen about NPD <a href="http://samvak.tripod.com/indexqa.html" target="_blank">http://samvak.tripod.com/indexqa.html</a> (including how to divorce a N) Almost all of his behaviour can be explained on that website. I also think that it is very likely that my father and probably my sister are Narcissist. Then looking back at my past relationships and behavior I thought I might be, too. But I am kind of thinking maybe I am not but it is from having my two major role models as a child being N that I might have learned from them not to mention the neglect and other traumas I dealt with. My mother was severely mentally ill, so we always looked up to my father as the stable one, and I was always a very shy "tag along" to my sister until adulthood. Before I got married I remember saying that my husband was just like my father even thought beside body type, they really had nothing I could see alike, now I realize maybe because they are both N.<br><br>
When I realized this my world shattered. My marriage is now a hollow shell. I am staying for financial and social reasons (for now). But if I felt I would have a stable and healthy life outside of this marriage I would be out. I am not emotionally attached to my DH at all anymore. In fact I don't like to be around him or have him around my kids, so I gladly encourage him to keep working on his business to go make more money for us and pay no attention to us. Of course I don't think this is good for my soul or my children. But at this point I don't see myself being able to give my children a more stable life with out him. Maybe in the future. So now I am a single mom and my "job" that I work for money is putting up with some one I don't like every so often so he gives me as much money as I want. It sounds like a really crappy marriage, but a little bit better than most likely having to leave the community I live in to build up my life from scratch as a real single mom trying to do who knows what to make next to no money with no help or companionship from any one. Yes, leaving him would mean leaving my community and all my friends because he is that well known and supported and divorcing a N is not an easy thing, if your out you have to BE OUT.<br><br>
The good part of all this is that it is pushing me to grow. I would love to try conseling, but not sure how to pay with it when insurance doesn't pay. We have the money but he won't agree for me to go, I would have to sneak it. And I'd rather stash it away for myself for when the time comes.<br><br>
Being in this situation is a real trial and I wish for guidance and relief for all of those in it. It is definitely not easy or simple.
 

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Hugs ! Hugs ! Hugs! chimomma ..I can understand why you are staying in the marriage and I am glad you realise there is a problem and that the problem is not you. It took me close to 10 years to realise that . I was on a constant run to become this superwoman to keep up with my husband's expectations and I got burnt out . Thanks for the link..I need all the resources that I could gather !<br><br>
lolar2, I will be looking into the psycholgist you mentioned .
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">I would love to try conseling, but not sure how to pay with it when insurance doesn't pay. We have the money but he won't agree for me to go, I would have to sneak it. And I'd rather stash it away for myself for when the time comes.<br>
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In terms of counseling - try religious organizations. If you Catholic (even nominally), check with your church - a lot of churches have a therapists their parishioners can see for reduced rates or free. A lot of priests are psychologists, and my parish also has some parishioners who are psychiatrists/psychologists who do some work.<br><br>
You can also check out things like this - <a href="http://www.jbfcs.org/" target="_blank">http://www.jbfcs.org/</a> It's a Jewish organization, but you do not have to be Jewish to use their services. I believe there are low cost therapists available. A social worker therapist I know told me about that. Finally, if you have any universities with social work or psychology graduate programs, perhaps you can check there. Just a few thoughts.
 
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