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I don't know if this is baby hormones or pure exhaustion or I'm just really fed up this time. We have a nice sized house, some would consider it large, but I don't think it is by typical American standards. But it is too big for me to pick up after everyone and take care of everything cleaning/chores all by myself. ESPECIALLY now. Once a year DP and I get into a big argument about this. We have a to-do list that was done to his specification, and even there I've taken on more of the housework, in acknowledgment that I care more. And even then, he still doesn't do all the things he agreed to. Which means I end up doing some of it. Which means I don't get to the project stuff that he would never even think of doing. And yes, we've discussed it several times and he's agreed to "help" more (as if it's not his responsibility). Why do I still need to say 'can you wash the dishes?' Can't he see them in the sink? He asks 'what do you want me to do'. What do I want you to do??? I want you to do what you've agreed to!! Do I need to actually read the list to you?! Shouldn't you at least be able to do that by this point in life?!<br><br>
Well, I'm done. I'm sick and tired and fed up. Did I mention tired? I've tried every solution I could find to deal with this age-old problem. I'm not doing anything that absolutely does not need doing. When the baby comes, that's all I'm doing. Has anyone done this? How hard is it to override the need for a clean (or even semi clean) house? Am I overreacting? Is there a better/more adult way to do this? I really feel like I've tried everything and this is all that's left.
 

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Sort of, and it just wasn't worth it. Face it. Men have a higher dirt threshold than we do. So if you go on strike, he likely won't care and won't do anything. And when you feel defeated and start picking up, you'll have a mountain of work ahead of you.<br>
That said, I'd try training him like a dog. Work on getting him to do one thing consistently at a time instead of trying to get him to tick off all the points on that list. Don't ask him if he <i>can</i> do the dishes if it's on the list. Tell him to do them - nice, but firmly "Honey, you need to do the dishes." And do that every day for at least two weeks.<br>
If he won't budge then sit down and discuss hiring someone to do the cleaning for you. He needs to either do or pay his fair share. You can't possibly do it all.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and good luck, mama!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Terrilein</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426145"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That said, I'd try training him like a dog. Work on getting him to do one thing consistently at a time instead of trying to get him to tick off all the points on that list. Don't ask him if he <i>can</i> do the dishes if it's on the list. Tell him to do them - nice, but firmly "Honey, you need to do the dishes." And do that every day for at least two weeks.<br>
If he won't budge then sit down and discuss hiring someone to do the cleaning for you. He needs to either do or pay his fair share. You can't possibly do it all.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and good luck, mama!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
There must be a better way than trying to train your DH like a dog. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br>
IME men don't respond well to this kind of thing or what they think is nagging in a very positive way. It may work to get him to do what you want for a while, but I don't think the effect it will have on your relationship dynamic is worth it. Besides, it sounds like you've kind of tried this already.<br><br>
I don't have that much trouble with my DH not doing his share. But I find with him and most people, that making him want to do his share and feel good about doing his share is what works- for him AND me. This means pointing out the things he DOES do, how much you appreciate it and what it means to you- more time, more rest, and you feeling good.<br><br>
I usually clean the bathrooms because I'm way more anal than DH and when I clean it you'd be pressed to find a stray hair anywhere in there. DH gets it clean but not MY kind of clean- so I always do it. But for a couple of months I haven't been able to clean the tub (I just can't reach and bend and get down there properly) and my way of asking him to do it (after I mentioned it a couple of times and he kept forgetting) was saying how something else he did really made my life easier lately (with a thanks and a big smooch!) and adding in that cleaning the tub would ALSO be a huge help. He has cleaned the tub ever since then.<br><br>
He does the same for me with some things- I hate ironing...SO MUCH...and since I'm not going to the office anymore, I don't really have much to iron. It's all his stuff. He's realized this and has expressed thanks that I do all the ironing even though I hate it and how much time it saves him. And when I'm really loathing ironing, this comes to mind, and it isn't sooo bad.<br><br>
Anyway, it's worth a try.<br><br>
After that, I would agree with Terrilein- talk about hiring help. Too much is too much and if he won't help, enough is enough.
 

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Your DH must be heaven-sent, expat-mama! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> I do agree with being nice about it. What's that saying? Honey attracts more flies than vinegar? However, I still think that you've got to be firm though because - the men I know, anyways - will use any excuse/loophole to get out of doing any kind of housework. So say it like you mean it, but be nice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>expat-mama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426220"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
There must be a better way than trying to train your DH like a dog. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
<snip><br><br>
This means pointing out the things he DOES do, how much you appreciate it and what it means to you</div>
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Actually, that's how I train my dogs (with clicker training). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I agree, most men just don't see dirt the way we do. Think of it like color blindness...they are genetically programmed not to see it.<br><br>
I am very fortunate with my DH as well, not only does he help out a lot without asking, but he keeps reminding me to put more things for him on the "honey-do" list as he realizes that there are things that bug me that he doesn't notice at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><br><br>
ETA: Forgot that I meant to send lots of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">s to neonalee, I hope you either work out something with your DP or hire some help soon so you can relax a bit.
 

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no idea/none of my business what your financial situation is. my sister was having the same problem, and the frustration and arguing got really old really fast.<br><br>
they finally made some adjustments in their budget and have a cleaning lady come once every two weeks, and it has made a huge difference in their home and marriage.<br><br>
cleaning companies tend to be really expensive, i would try finding someone through the paper or craigslist. hopefully you can squeeze it in financially!! even if it's short term, for 3-6 mos. or something!
 

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We had this problem too. Now we have a <i>weekly cleaning lady</i>. It's the price he pays for a clean house. I'm NOT doing it all anymore. It has solved a lot of our problems.<br><br>
And it brings me great <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">
 

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Thanks Mamas! We could probably afford someone to come out, but only until we start paying for daycare. Then our budget will be in the hole <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> And then he'll be even more used to not doing anything. We actually had a family sit down (with DSD too) at the end of April and discussed how I just can't do everything and they had agreed to the chores on the list and they needed to do them without me constantly telling them to. I emphasized how much I HATE to nag (and I really do. I'll let something go way longer than I'm comfortable with because I don't want to nag) and we discussed that. But still nothing gets done. And when, heaven forbid, I do ask for DP to do something that usually I do (clean the bathroom is a good one) he just ... emits this moodiness cuz he hates to clean so much! Then he's snappy with everyone for the next hour or 2. It's not worth it most of the time. And really, I DO thank him and compliment him all the time and I don't even hold him to my own standards!<br><br>
I didn't do anything last night. I had walked home from the train (it's only a mile) and I was just beat and hurting. So I did nothing. I did not sweep up the cat litter that gets all over the floor daily. I did not wash any of the dishes in the sink. I did not do laundry. I did not even pick up the living room. I sat on the couch and read things here <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> This morning I wore slippers so I wouldn't notice the not clean floor and the cats ate out of dirty bowls. I truly think I've tried everything but the hired help. I think I'm going to see how long I can be blind. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">
 

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We argued over this for about 5 years. Then, when DS was a high-needs 4 month old and we lived in a 4 storey town house, I had to hire a cleaning lady and we've had one since.<br>
Even now, DH is so messy. He just doesn't seem to see the plates, glasses etc he leaves lying around the house. I blame his Mother! And I've told her so!<br>
My DS will be different!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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sadly, i've tried the on-strike bit several times. and then paid the price for it all. the mess in the house is ridiculous! we live in a small home ~ less than 1000 sq ft ~ with the 2 of us, 5 kids +1 more on the way, and 2 doggies.<br><br>
the clutter,the dishes, the dust, the flat out mess does not bother anyone else until i am at the point of exploding. and then the arguing starts. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
the dogs are easier to train.<br><br>
i will admit, though, that when dp stopped home this morning, he saw me repeatedly bending down to pick things up so that i could vacuum. he then actually picked up his knee-high pile of dirty laundry from the bathroom floor, and started a load of laundry. (i have been refusing to pick up his constant mess in the bathroom for weeks. the kids will occasionally move it to the laundry area when the door is obstructed, but i am <i>done</i> picking that up, too.)<br><br>
i wish i had the magic key for solving this... for all of us! a magic cleaning fairy? cinderella's singing skills to motivate the animals to help? snow white's darling forest creatures to hop in and help? anything!!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>welsh</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15427021"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Even now, DH is so messy. He just doesn't seem to see the plates, glasses etc he leaves lying around the house. I blame his Mother! And I've told her so!<br>
My DS will be different!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"></div>
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Welsh this is so me/us! However, I think I may be doing the same thing to my DS. I feel like it's just so much easier to do it myself then nag Ds to pick up his toys. IT's getting harder and harder though as I become more pg.<br><br>
I understand what you are all talking about. My DH just finished his bachelor's degree and is looking for a job. He's not been working for about a year while he finished up school. I kinda felt he needed time to study so I never asked him to help around the house. He's always done all the laundry but as far as keeping our living space clean/de-cluttered or doing dishes he's completely blind. I also have the problem of asking for help b/c he seems to get upset when I ask him to do something.<br><br>
I did ask him last night if he'd help me weed my garden so I can get it planted. He himmed and hawed but agreed to help. It won't help with the inside but at least I'll eat well when the baby comes.<br><br>
We do have an occasional person come to clean and I always feel so much better after it happens. She got the mold off the bathtub and kitchen sink. I'm so happy about that.<br>
Nikki
 

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Getting someone local or on craigslist sounds like a great idea. How to find someone you trust though? I guess lots of cold calls. When I ask around, no one around me has anyone to recommend.
 

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Yeah, I have gone on strike for a couple of weeks, and at the end of it I just ended up with a huge mess to clean up all at once instead of lots of small messes every day.<br><br>
I can totally sympathize with you, though <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I think if you go on strike you're just going to stress yourself and be even more resentful that he doesn't see or choose to do the work. It drives me crazy, too. Like dp will use the counters and just NOT wipe up afterward---I know you see the damn crumbs and spots, just wipe it up! Same with bathroom stuff--he shaves and I find these little hairs everywhere and I'm like, is there something wrong with your eyes that you can't see this? Maybe you need to get your rx checked for you glasses . . . when he consciously leaves these messes, he is basically saying I don't care and I know that you'll have to do it or it will just get left here forever.<br><br>
And it will. If I don't wipe it up or pick it up, it will get left there forever. He will not of his own free will just decide, hey, I think I'll clean the bathroom today. If I don't ask him to do the dishes, they will sit there. If I don't say, do you mind flipping the laundry over or helping me fold, then it will not get done. It's very, very frustrating.<br><br>
AND I totally feel like I'm lucky in that he will at least help when asked; I have friends/family whose partners will do nothing even if they are asked. *shrug* so I am grateful for the help I get and just swallow the big fat pill and do the rest of it--If I don't then the house is a pit within days. Sucks.<br><br>
I am really scared about what's going to happen when I start working for $ more. There's so much I do that he doesn't even see---I think it's going to be me working and still pulling the majority of the house work or else me working and having to accept the housework going by the wayside. That disgusts me and really lowers my motivation to get a money job . . . I want to help him provide for us financially; I feel like he should have the same desire to provide for us materially by helping to keep our house in order.<br><br>
Obviously, I have no real answers, just wanted you to know that I totally understand where you're coming from!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kosheng</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15427692"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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i wish i had the magic key for solving this... for all of us! a magic cleaning fairy? cinderella's singing skills to motivate the animals to help? snow white's darling forest creatures to hop in and help? anything!!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Awesome!
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">he is basically saying I don't care and I know that you'll have to do it or it will just get left here forever.</td>
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He really isn't, though! I mean, you don't hate each other, right?<br><br>
I'm not a terribly neat person by nature and what someone like me is saying is "I'm in a hurry to get to work and it's the first thing in the morning and I'm sleepy. Flies aren't circling the sinki, so I'm only barely aware that the sink even exists." or "I'm starving and I've got to eat my sandwich right now and I can always wipe down the counter later" and then he wanders off and eats his sandwich and lalala he forgets about the counter because he can't see it in front of him anymore.<br><br>
Someone who is on the messy side is usually NOT thinking "I will force my beloved to clean this horrible horrible mess because I don't love her, ha ha ha, how she'll suffer!" -- he simply isn't thinking about messes at all. It doesn't occur to him that hairs in the sink are a big problem, and he doesn't notice their presence much and doesn't notice when they disappear. In his mental list of "things that must be done by someone" there is no entry for "wipe up the tiny beard hairs that fall in the sink."
 

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thalia - I know you are right. And maybe this comes down to gender? But there are things that bother him or whatever and I make the effort to remember that and when possible (meaning it's not diametrically opposed to my values or something) I make that change or whatever.<br><br>
craft media hero - you totally made me LOL. Yes, exactly. Everything you wrote. Except I already do have the 40 hr a week (uh, make that 50+) job, just like he does and I'm still doing most stuff. He does help. And I give him credit for that. But it shouldn't be help, it should be "this is my responsibility". I could live with things not being cleaned during the week if I knew he would clean it on the weekend. The really *funny* thing is, we recently got chores done early (one time) and we commented on how nice it was that everything was done and we had time to relax IN A CLEAN HOUSE. (well, it really wasn't, but it was close enough. at least on that floor). Maybe this means it will only be a few more years before this STARTS to get a little better? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
I too have friends who do everything. A full time + job, nearly all the housework, and taking care of the kid. I always say, DP and I would have been over already if he was that bad. But we all have something we put up with that others wouldn't I suppose. And my DP does get HUGE kudos for being the cook. But I do all the planning and cleanup. Can anyone guess what happens on the days he doesn't cook dinner? Sigh. True there are less dishes, but it's not like there aren't any. There's still misc stuff and all the other regular chores. He gets a free night, I dont.<br><br>
I've never done a strike. I'm pretty sure you are all right and it will stress me out quickly enough, but I might as well give it a try. At least I'll get to relax for a bit.<br><br>
And honestly - I look forward to the day when we get out of this house and into an apartment or something smaller that there's at least a chance of me cleaning the whole thing by myself!
 

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In total honesty, there is no way in <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"> that that would work in this household. No way I would put up with doing everything including a full time job + taking care of the kid. I never understand why some women put up with this kind of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/censored.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="censored"> It's totally unfair.<br><br>
BTW--I have a friend who is a SAHM with 8 kids total. She has cleaning help weekly because in her words, "It's not her job to be the maid."<br><br><br>
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I too have friends who do everything. A full time + job, nearly all the housework, and taking care of the kid. I always say, DP and I would have been over already if he was that bad. But we all have something we put up with that others wouldn't I suppose.
 

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My brain isn't working so I"ll try to articulate this properly! I haven't ever gone on strike because I haven't had to. In our house we both do our equal share of the work and I wouldn't have it other way.....I wouldn't be able to manage. I think sometimes men get a free pass because of their gender and I'm not sure I agree with that. I know my dh is perfectly capable of helping me do chores and keep the house in order. Now it hasn't always been that way....we've had to work to get to this point. I agree with pp who said she blames her MIL <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> ........I had actually had to teach my dh how to do laundry and basic stuff around the house. I know my mom has had my brothers doing their own laundry since they were 13 so their future wives should be happy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Anyway......when I'm home full time or only working p/t I tend to pick up some of the slack around the house because I have more time for it. However, there are times, like when I'm preggo that I just can't manage and dh really has to help out. He does everything, laundry, bathrooms, vacuming, cooking, etc. He's actually been the one getting up with DD nearly every day he can so I can get some extra sleep, I've been having major insomnia issues. When we were both working f/t then we were both doing about equal work around the house........like I said, I just wouldn't be able to manage it otherwise. We tried having a cleaning lady for a short time but it was quite expensive and she didn't really clean to my standard.
 

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Yes - and like pps have said, then I just end up frustrated because the mess has multiplied. AND I am not married to a man, AND my dw cleans other people's houses for a living. She helps with the basics, like laundry and vaccuuming, but the clutter, and stuff just left where it ends up doesn't bother her like it bothers me, so I end up stomping around the house picking everyone's crap up. It is a constant argument.
 

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I've learned to just ask for more help. NO he doesn't see the dishes in the sink, NO he doesn't see the laundry, NO he doesn't see the nasty toilet...and he never will. So I just say, "hey honey can you take the trash out before xyz" It has been a long road for me but I'm slowly finding that I can't do everything and when I try and then fail the outcome isn't good on my or my marriage.
 
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