[Breathe]

My children's lives center around our dog. Their eyes pop open in the mornings and they begin to sing her name. My 4.5 yo makes up raps and poems and love songs and sonnets about her. My 7.5 yo tell me daily that he's "so glad" we got her. Before they fall asleep, they serenade her.

We adopted her from a rescue org back in Oct 08. She has severe separation anxiety -- which we have worked on tirelessly all these months (some of you read my other post on this) -- but also fear aggression and has shown plenty of signs that she's just so nervous when people are in her space that she could just snap one day and bite a child.

And I just paid a dog trainer, whom I respect and trust VERY much, $175 for a session that ended with her saying that she thinks this dog is not a good fit for us. That her behavior issues are so broad and so potentially serious that she really couldn't continue to work with us. That we would need to seek a veterinary behavioral specialist for help if we decide to keep her.

**Am I really going to crush my children's hearts and tell them that we can no longer keep their very first and very beloved dog?!?**

Do I want to rehome her? Actually, it would be a relief. I would miss her and cry a lot and probably always feel like a failure, but I am a homeschooling mama on the EDGE. And I need to meet my children's needs in other areas and that is not happening.

But can children EVER forgive their parents for rehoming a favorite pet? Seriously, couldn't they be scarred for life?!?

I can't even believe I'm typing this . . . too emotional for discussing this with RL friends . . . too embarrassed that I got us into this situation in the first place by blindly adopting a special needs dog who really just needs to live on a farm. (Which is where she was when we adopted her. Sigh.)

I am too fragile for a "you can do it" pep talk, and especially cannot take a scathing "how could you ever give up on a family pet" reply . . . If that's burning for you, please respect that that's not what's needed here. What I'm really wanting to know is if any of you have any experience like this and can tell me what it was like, how you survived, if it was worth it, what you did to help your children, and if they healed from it.

A lot to ask, I realize, but submitting with hope . . .

edited to add: As of 4/18/09 this situation has been resolved, happily for all, I think.

 

[DogMomforNow]

I'm so sorry. I haven't been there before, but I feel badly for all of you

I don't have kiddos of my own, but could you explain to them that she needs to live somewhere else to be really happy? Explain what a great gift it is to be able to give that to her? Maybe ask the adoptive family if they can visit once to see how happy she is?

 

[ElliesMomma]

haven't been through this per se, but can imagine what i'd do if i were in your shoes. begin pursuing your options unbeknownst to your kids. try to find the ideal ideal spot for your dog. this may take awhile, ask your trainer and your vet to help. the worst would be to dump your dog at the shelter, considering her "issues", she might not fare well. go back to the rescue group that chose you for her, and tell them your problems, see if they can take her back.

only after you have lined up a suitable place for the dog, break the news to the kiddos. present it a day or two before it's time to make the transfer so they get to spend a last day saying goodbye. let the kids come with to deliver the dog, or be there when the new owner picks up.

take lots of pictures of the kids with the dog, and make a special memory board.

promise them a new more suitable dog (and this time research, research, research a compatible breed and screen carefully for suitable temperment).

tell the kids you're sorry that you made the mistake of picking the wrong home for fido.

in short, make it up to the dog by finding her the right home, and make it up to the kids too -- a) by finding the right home for the dog (which they will appreciate later when they're older) and b) getting them the right dog that they can dote on.

how long have you had this dog?

 

[jocelyndale]

To answer your main question, no.

My mother, however, has had *excellent* results by working with a doggie shrink.

She used a vet who is now an animal behaviorist. I think he works exclusively with dogs. Her scottie (a rescue) is now a relatively well-adjusted dog. He'll always have issues (horrible, horrible start to his life), but he is much happier and less dangerous now.

You may need to rehome your dog, but don't rule out speaking with an animal behaviorist first.

 

[USAmma]

Each dog is different-- maybe there's hope somehow. We had to rehome a dog for similar reasons and it was very sad. My dd1 was much attached, but the dog was destroying our home inside and out. Training and obedience class and kenneling did not help (she chewed her way out of two kennels including a wire one and blooded her face in the process!!). It was very sad but I had to do what was best for our family and for the dog.

 

[Porcelain Interior]

We had to put a cat down because of urine issues. She had a chronic urinary disease, and had to eat special RX food. Even when she was 100% clear of urinary infection (which we took care of right away before she was diagnosed) she'd urinate on anything made of fabric. This continued for 3 years.

Multiple perfectly clean litterboxes all over the house didn't make a dent in her eliminating habits.

We spent lots of money and shed lots of tears, and spent 3 years living in a house that smelled like cat urine- even though I cleaned religiously and spent a part of each day de-catting the place.

She ruined my children's mattresses, we had to throw away clothing, quilts, carpet.

Eventually we came to the conclusion (I've never cried or spent more time trying to do the right thing in my entire life over any other issue) that she needed to be put down.

We tried to rehome with someone who could keep her confined to a non-fabric containing room, but there are no kitty fairies.

We knew if we'd taken her to "the shelter" that they'd either lie to the new owners who would then strangle or boot the cat out of their house, or they'd put her to sleep.

It was agonizing, and my children were so distraut, but the mother instinct won out. My children couldn't be expected to live in a home where they never knew if they'd have a wet bed, or ruined clothes. It was so expensive trying to work around this cat and her issues. Replacing things was the worst part.

So we did the right thing, but it was hard. I think my oldest resents me for it, but she's a die hard cat lover.

It's just tough all the way around. I don't think I'll ever get another cat. I wouldn't be able to handle something like this again emotionally as I'm an animal lover.

I think if you're up front and honest with your children and they have the proper time to say goodbye and grieve things will work out for the best.

 

[Breathe]

Thanks Everyone. Utterly exhausted here, after an evening of lots of crying and lots of listening to all of my extended family members and their well-intentioned advice. (100% of them think this trainer is crazy and all dogs have issues and we just need to work more on these. And preferably with "stricter discipline".)

So I'm too fried to post eloquently . . . We're thinking and pondering and won't rush to any decisions. It's just so sad that what was supposed to be a wonderful gift for my children has turned into so much stress for me and my dh.

More soon.

 

[Momily]

I don't have a lot of experience with this, but wanted to say that a similar situation happened with the family I nannied for in college, and while the kids were very upset they did heal, and more quickly than you'd think. Eventually the family got a different dog and that helped as well.

Unless maybe it's a very small dog who doesn't pose a serious threat, I don't see how you can keep a dog with fear aggression and young children. Maybe it's because my beloved goddaughter was mauled very badly by someone household pet, but I'd feel very uncomfortable with the situation you're describing.

Find a good place for your dog (don't rescues promise to take back dogs that need to be rehomed?), and tell your children the truth -- that you loved him, he was a good dog, but that he didn't feel safe in a busy family and that you couldn't keep them safe because of it. Then hold them close, let them grieve, and when they feel up to it get a new dog or puppy -- one that's been very carefully screened for aggression.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but know that you've raised your children well, and that you've built up their resilience so that they will deal with this and heal.

 

[Rhiannon Feimorgan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Momily I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but know that you've raised your children well, and that you've built up their resilience so that they will deal with this and heal.

Lot's of good advice here but this part is the best.

 

[Minky]

We had to rehome a dog that wasn't a good fit for us just under a year ago. The things that helped my DD (now 5) get over it were:

1) I talked to her about how we couldn't give Charlie the home he needed, and how we were making him sad and he was making DH and I sad.

2) I talked about how he would be happy where he was going, a farm with a big house where he could have a chance at being a working dog. We talked about working dog life and visited the farm.

3) We visited him with decreasing frequency after rehoming.

She still talks about him sometimes, mentions that she'd like another dog someday, and we're honest, we don't think a dog will fit into our lives any time soon but when she's all grown up, she can have one.

Good luck, whatever you decide. *hugs*

 

[Jewelie]

Hey Breathe,

I'm so sorry- that must have been so shocking to have the trainer end with that advice. And those family members, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think any of them live with little people currently.

As you know, we went through something somewhat similar but it became clear much earlier in the game that we had a big problem (less time to bond) & my child was younger and not nearly as *with it.* Our vet told us it was just a matter of time before the dog bit a child- we went through second opinions, etc. I agonized and cried and was sure DD would be scarred. I was sad and missed her (the dog) but was also relieved. It was a mistake to adopt her but there was no sign of aggression at that time and I don't think anyone could have predicted it would happen. (though the breed, bishon frise, is not known for being great with kids). I wanted a dog sooo badly that I actually convinced the person that my 2-yr-old was the exception to the rule and would be sooo gentle that her dog would not be nervous. and she (DD) was gentle but she accidently stepped on the dog's foot and then we had a very aggressive dog on our hands overnight (fear aggression but aggression nonetheless). sigh. I was also worried that DD would be scarred for life. Turned out I was the only one who even needed to grieve. I think like anything the entire experience was an opportunity for growth and learning for all of us. The place where we got "Patches" happily took her back and decided to keep her rather than rehome her again. It seems to help DD to know where she is and though she's 7 YO now, she still talks about "our dog, Patches," (note: present tense- in her mind, Patches is still *our dog* but lives elsewhere now). Occassionally she wants to go visit her and see where/how she is.

I wonder what would happen if you just took their temperature first, just casually mentioning that the dog, though she loves them very much, still feels very anxious in her new home but was happy at the farm. I wonder if their reaction would give you some data about their ability to handle her making that transition. Or at least might plant a seed for them to think about so that they've had time to get used to the idea. 'Just a thought. Rather than making the decision first and "breaking it to them" ?

Please keep letting us know what you need. Be gentle with yourself. You were leading with your heart.

kisses,
Julie

 

[Breathe]

Thx for the love, "Jewelie". Means a lot to know you're there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jewelie Hey Breathe, You were leading with your heart.

EXACTLY. And look where that got us. This has not been missed by us . . . Dh was lamenting last night -- with lots of swearing mixed in -- that once again, we suspended reason for a very brief time, making one decision, and we have been clearly reinforced, again, and MUCH more painfully than maybe ever before, that WE CAN'T DO THAT.

I know this will make you want to bang your head ahead against the nearest wall, Julie. It must be hard to be my friend sometimes, I know!

But we're just still a mess over here. Both went to bed assuming we're keeping her and we'll do whatever it takes to keep our children and other children safe.

And then this morning we both feel that that approach is just denial -- of the dog's abilities/lack thereof, and of our own limited resources.

I have planted this seed, by the way. Weeks ago I said to the boys that Doggie really would be happier on a farm. Ds1 said, "You're right, Mommy. She really does belong on a farm. But we're gonna keep her forever, right?"

And I think about ds2 and his vehemence when we say ANYTHING that is not what he wants in the moment. He's in a very strong-willed developmental stage AND he seems to be the most attached to the dog.

I am VERY clear that BOTH of my children would have serious grieving to do, such that we might even need to seek help/therapy for them.

And BTW, lest anyone think I am off my rocker for even considering keeping a dog with fear agression, she hasn't bitten or tried to bite anyone. Last Nov she gave two warning nips in the air to two children visiting our house and harrassing her. What the trainer saw yesterday was head turning and yawning, signs of stress in the dog, when my boys were lying beside her on her bed. She also barked pretty fiercely when the UPS man came down our driveway, and the trainer said, "What might happen if the kids were in her face when she saw the UPS truck?"

This is one of the more complicated and fraught decisions I've ever had to make.

 

[almama]

We had to do it when my son was very young and it tore my heart out. It was separation anxiety too and it was impossible for us to turn it around. We almost had to do it this time for another reason, but thankfully things turned around.

Here are some ideas that might help:

1. Think of it as "not the right match" rather than a "poor fit." It is essentially the same thing, but "poor fit" would make me think *I* wasn't trying hard enough.

I have heard so many stories of a dog not doing well in one family, only to move to a different situation and shine. It is a *match* problem many times.

You have tried a lot and if it is pushing your family's sanity limits, it is probably better for the dog to be rehomed.

There are lots of dogs that would be a better fit for you.

2. Try to stay positive for the kids. Good things: we have learned sooooo much more about dogs than we could ever know. We will find a home where the dog can thrive.

3. If you intend to get a dog in the future, talk to them about your plan for that. For example, I'm callling and researching breeders and need your help. We'll volunteer in the shelter and get more training. Etc, etc.

Good luck!

 

[BunnySlippers]

We rehomed a puppy that was a very bad fit for us. I told dd the truth and why it would be kinder for the dog to find a new family. She totally understood, although she was sad to say good-bye. We have many pets though and did get another puppy eventually.
Its hard to give them up, but also hard ot keep an animal that really and truely does not fit in. It's not like you are not trying to make it work

 

[karne]

Not a dog, as in your situation, but we have recently had to make the decision to sell two of our farm animals who, for a variety of reasons, couldn't remain with us. My kids have been heartbroken because they thought of them as pets. We have had long discussions about how we, as humans, are responsible for the welfare of the animals in our family. Sometimes that means making very tough decisions so that they can be safe and well cared for. It's hard for the kids to really take in some of this, but we press on with the idea that the animals lives are in our hands and we have to make the best choices for them, even if those choices hurt us deeply. It's a powerful lesson, but not a bad one for the children to have.
Good luck.

 

[Kontessa]

We had this situation twice with rescued dogs and it is heart breaking. We did as others have and broke the news a few days before the re-homing and explained and tried to keep in contact but as my daughter was 4 and then 7 years old I wish we had not told her the truth. She is now uncertain with pets if they are really ours and will stay with us and when she was 6 and the kitty did not want to play with her she told me we should re-home her as we must not make her happy...

My father had hunting dogs. Many failed to train, or maybe dad failed to train them, either way, he always told us they "ran away" and some how that seems better than what my oldest now fears.

So I have little helpful advice. If I had to do again, I think I might lie, like my father did, the same lie as Santa and the Easter Bunny in ways. Will still hurt, but at least the trust in "Mommy giving my dog away" will not be there.

 

[Kontessa]

P.S. Please no one flame me for my above post. Just my thoughts, as a mama with a child wounded from the re-homing truth.

 

[Kirsten]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breathe What the trainer saw yesterday was head turning and yawning, signs of stress in the dog, when my boys were lying beside her on her bed. She also barked pretty fiercely when the UPS man came down our driveway, and the trainer said, "What might happen if the kids were in her face when she saw the UPS truck?"

I'm not a dog expert, but this doesn't seem cut and dried to me. I'd get a second opinion if you think it will be really emotionally damaging for your kids.

 

[purslaine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kirsten I'm not a dog expert, but this doesn't seem cut and dried to me. I'd get a second opinion if you think it will be really emotionally damaging for your kids.

yeah - also not a dog expert - but yawning, turning the head to the side and even a few air snaps does not mean the dog will bite. Yes, they are doggy warnings - but just that - warnings. A snap is almost a good thing, the dog is able to tell you "get out of my face" without biting.

 

[LionTigerBear]

I think you need to try to work with the dog more. At least get another professional opinion. I don't think the rescue group would have given you the dog if they didn't think he was safe around kids.