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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, ladies and gents: spill your guts<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bigeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bigeyes"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/privateeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="private eyes"><br>
Im really curious about your opinions on whether it is considered an infidelity or not. that certainly is a personal thing- and one might change his/her mind. I think im changing my mind but I may just be in denial or something. what does your partner think?<br>
please tell!<br>
Laura<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I haven't posted here in a while, but this topic is something I've given a lot of thought to. I think the answer varies for everyone as an individual and every couple.<br><br>
I do, occasionally, participate in online sex. I consider it just a variation on masturbation. It doesn't seem different to me than reading an erotic story or watching an erotic video. However, I know some people that consider it an infidelity when they are in a relationship and I can understand their point of view. I just recently read an advice column in which a woman was upset that her husband masturbated because she felt that was 'cheating' in a way. I don't understand that as an individual who started masturbating long before I ever had sex with a partner.<br><br>
I think that what constitutes acceptable behaviour is different for each relationship. If I was with someone in a committed relationship who would feel betrayed by cybersex, I wouldn't do it. My last partner and I agreed that it was okay. So, it changes. There are some limitations that I wouldn't agree to (e.g. not wathcing/reading erotic materials, not masturbating) because I feel that fundamentally changing my behaviour for someone else is not part of a healthy relationship.<br><br>
Currently, I am on a dating site and it's weird because I met one guy I really like and one guy I'm not sure about but I'm not about to change my status from interested in dating to interested in friendship because I haven't made up my mind either way, but it's there for them to see so it's awkward. Dating and sex and the influence of the internet on both is an interesting phenomena. It will be interesting to watch other replies on this topic.<br><br>
Peace <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I agree it wold be considered cheating in my marraige as well. I think it has much more of a attach ment then a wam bam thank you mam thing ya know. If you are looking else where besides your dp for sexual release of pleasure you got bigger problems.
 

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I've never participated in it, but whether it's a problem or not I think depends on the relationship. I am fine with my dh watching porn - other women feel betrayed. I wouldn't want him participating in online forums personally. If your and your dh are okay with it, then great. But if one person finds it hurtful or sees it as a betrayal, then I would probably respect that and not participate.
 

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Hmmm Haven't given it much thought. I think I would be hurt if my dh participated in cybersex, as well as surprised (what does he need that I'm not giving him?), overall I consider our relationship healthy. Not to say that cybering outside of a relationship can be unhealthy, I guess that's just not for me to say. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I myself have never been much interested in trying it. Once a while ago I was online and dh was online too, and we missed each other a great deal, and well eventually Dh was making "passes" at me :LOL I declined, much as I am in love w/ Dh, because I felt positively goofy at the thought of typing with one hand! I guess the techno age just doesn't do it for my arousal :LOL It was fun to flirt with my own Dh online though. (we had no other way of communicating at the time anyways)
 

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I have not and neither has DH (he can't type :LOL ). I would feel betrayed if I found out DH was having cybersex with another person. Personally I would feel it was cheating. Like asherah said " it involves the active participation of another person."
 

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I've moved this thread to Parents as Partners since the subject is more appropriately discussed here. However, I'd also like to remind everyone that Mothering does not host discussions of a sexual nature that are not incidental to Mothering as a topic - discussions of sexual difficulties after birth, the family bed and sex, that sort of thing. General discussions of sex, how-to's, personal pleasures, etc are not something Mothering chooses to host. We strive to uphold our Family Friendly distinction which has rules and guidelines we must adhere to. I've had a hard time deciding whether or not this topic should continue as a discussion. Since we have hosted discussions on pornography in an acceptable manner I'm hoping this thread can continue in that manner. So let's please keep things focused. Anything that moves into the graphical arena will bring it to a close.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hippie.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hippie">
 

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The only way it would be a problem is if your spouse/significant other thought that it was a problem. In some marriages, it would be a problem because it was agreed before hand that it was not allowed. The gray area occures when it is not discussed before the act.<br><br>
The biggest fear of mine is hiding of an act. I mean, if my dh were to have online sex and not tell the about it, I would be hurt. Not hurt because of the act, but hurt because he didn't trust me enough to let me know about it in the first place. Then, it would definatly cross a boundary in our marriage.<br><br>
It really isn't about what he types, looks at, or thinks about. It is about our understanding about communication, respect and trust. As long as all those things are met then it is mutualy understood that we are free to fantasize as will.<br><br>
Jenny
 

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hmm...the above post makes me think, I have seen other more non relating threads here. Not just about sex either. Stupid threads that have nothing to do with how we parent as partners.
 

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ITA with Zaq001. There are plenty of other things talked about on this forum that aren't related that no one complains about.<br><br>
I would think that with parents as partners being a forum, that naturally questions or issues with "sex" is going to come up. I like the fact we can discuss these issues openly, non graphically, but openly .....whether debatively or non debatively about our feelings in regards to this issue. Sex is a vital part of a relationship. It is a natural part of our relationship with our dp's. It should be discussed, naturally!!!
 

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The mods and I were discussing this thread and abimommy made an excellent point - that the forum is "Parents as Partners" not "Partners as Parents" which is correct. The forum is to discuss the partner relationship that parents share whether it be the relationship itself or the parenting aspects that are a part of it. So while I think that this forum is not meant to be a focus on sexual issues it is a place than can host some such issues in a tactful and non-graphic manner, albeit with the limitations that we must decide on a thread by thread basis.<br><br>
Some discussions just aren't appropriate at all. While I can agree this appeared to be one of those "let's talk about _____ " sex talks which we generally don't host I came to the conclusion that the topic was something of a personal need for the OP to pose to others, perhaps due to an issue she is experiencing and needs to get different perspectives on it.
 

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See, I just don't see it as a sex issue. I see it as a trust and communication issue. Someone here (long ago) said; whether your smoking, eating ding dongs, or shopping behind your partner's back, it is all about communication. So, thank you CM for acknowledging this as a valid topic to discuss. It is valid and important in this day and age to address all the issues that come up with relationships. Be it, laundry or on-line sex.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Im glad that this was at least taken sereiously. lol. i didnt mean to stir thngs up but oh well, as the mod said i did need some perspectives on this. im coming to the conclusion that #1 it IS a communication issue (afterall thats why one goes on-line) and #2 it is acceptable as much as being a partner involves sex. im not asking for graphics. just asking about peoples perspectives and ideas relating.<br>
so far, it is clear that it can be complicated and yet perhaps not so very complicated if the two partners trust and talk. this is the issue. thanks for everyones input.<br>
Laura
 

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opinions on this due to a previous relationship.Anytime you are hurting someone you love you are cheating...cheating them!! That time cybering is valuable time spent with a mate.If they feel cheated then you are cheating.If you are hiding things you are cheating.If you would feel embarassed or guilty to have your mate read or hear your interactions with another person you are cheating.Cybersex sometimes requires more intimacy and exchange of feelings than a real life affair due to ppl being less inhibited...it being anonymous.The written word is often more powerful than the spoken.Do any of you have a stash of old love letters saved??Cyber sex and online dating are acceptable for single folks.I think if you are married or in a relationship and find the need to do this you are missing something in real life.Definitely your family misses the time and energy you are wasting.<br><br><br>
Linda
 

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I would feel that on line sex or even an on line dating relationship was cheating. It would take time and energy away from the other partner and family. If I found out that my partner was having on line sex I would be really, really pissed! I should clarify that I am not prude in this respect and I have no objection to a marriage or relationship where external relationships are agreed upon. It’s just for my marriage this is not okay, mostly because we barely have enough energy for each other, let alone a new lover. But this is just our place right now with a young child and a new marriage. For me, I haven’t really worked out for sure weather or not cheating itself is all that bad. I think it’s a matter of degrees and I think it really comes down to how it affects the family and marriage relationship.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;"><i>Originally posted by bunnybartlett</i><br><b>they feel cheated then you are cheating.If you are hiding things you are cheating.<br><br>
Linda</b></td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't have any experience with the topic itself, but the deeper questions of betrayal are interesting to me. There is definately a distinction between what a few posters have referred to about their open, honest communication with their partner about the range of self-gratification options and what each is comfortable with, and okay with in the relationship.<br><br>
Then a whole different kettle of fish exists, IMO, with secret and hidden behaviors. My dh & I went thru an awful thing early in our relationship where I was holding onto a totally platonic friendship with a guy from college, but it was emotionally intense and I kept the existence of the letters and phone calls from dh (we weren't married then) because I liked having my little secret thing.<br><br>
That was so hurtful to him that I can't believe we survived it. Nowadays I can't imagine either one of us doing that. It was immature of me. At the time though it took me a while to figure out that the mesaure of my actions in our relationship *was* whether he would be hurt if he knew.<br><br>
While we've been separated I've enjoyed erotic reading materials (not personally into the online forum for that at all) -- and I probably would now too if I didn't have negative hormone levels while bfing and no interest -- but while I didn't nec tell him about that, truth-be-told he would've be thrilled if I had! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> :LOL<br><br>
mb
 
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