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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've never had one and I don't expect one this time either. I have great friends but I see showers as a family thing and don't expect anyone but my mom (my only female blood relative besides my kids) to throw me one. She never has before and won't do it this time. I can't blame her since I live in AL and she lives in PA but it still hurts a bit when I read about other people having showers or throwing them for relatives. We don't need anything but it would be nice to celebrate, kwim?<br><br>
So, am I the only one here who has never had a baby shower? Does it bother you? It usually doesn't bother me, but today it makes me sad. I think the main problem is that this time of year we are not around family for the holidays. I long for a large family to celebrate and my only relatives besides my kids and dh are my parents. They live so far away and we never see them.<br><br>
Dh's parents live in other states also, but I'm not close to them so I'm just not as bothered by their absence as much as I am by my parents.
 

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Hugs to you mama! This is my first but I am not really expecting that anyone is going to throw me a shower. I know how you feel about making you a bit sad though and I especially know what you mean about missing your family this time of year. The no baby shower thing reminds me of how I felt as a transfer to University. My time there was good but I didn't get the whole four-year-experience that a lot my friends had. Will you get to see your family anytime soon?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeah, my mom will come down the day after my due date whether or not I have the baby by then. She has to request time off now and book her flight. Hopefully by then the baby will be here and she can help me out for a week before she goes back home.<br><br>
Why are you not expecting a baby shower? That is sad! I thought everyone had showers with their first. PM me your address and I'll send you a baby gift. It always makes me feel better to help someone else in a similar situation when I feel bad and if you really are not expecting a shower, let me send you a little something in the mail.
 

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(Lurking from the January DDC since I'm due at the end of the month.)<br><br>
This is my first and I'm not planning to have a shower (one friend offered and I politely declined). We don't need a bunch of Stuff and I find the whole thing awkward.<br><br>
I hear you on the celebration bit, though. You know what I'm thinking of doing? Having some kind of special get-together that I organize myself after the baby's born, as soon as we feel ready, just to celebrate that he and I both made it through the birth and are happy to be together. Maybe something like that would work for you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>To-Fu</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9859958"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">(Lurking from the January DDC since I'm due at the end of the month.)<br><br>
This is my first and I'm not planning to have a shower (one friend offered and I politely declined). We don't need a bunch of Stuff and I find the whole thing awkward.<br><br>
I hear you on the celebration bit, though. You know what I'm thinking of doing? Having some kind of special get-together that I organize myself after the baby's born, as soon as we feel ready, just to celebrate that he and I both made it through the birth and are happy to be together. Maybe something like that would work for you?</div>
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I too think I would find it awkward and I certainly do not want any more baby stuff. I have that and what I don't have I'd rather buy or borrow on my own. It's more about the party than anything else, so I might try a welcome party for the baby if I feel up to it sometime during the first few weeks.<br><br>
The depressing thing is that other people have family and I see/read/hear discussions about people seeing their parents and their siblings and nieces and nephews on a regular basis and it makes me sad that I don't have that.
 

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i had a mother's blessing bu no baby shower. no baby shower wanted this time, either.<br><br>
we COULD all send you mother's blessings in the mail if you would like to share your address. then, you could wait until they all arrive and sit down and read the shared motherhood thoughts and care we have for you and your pregnancy. i made a scrapbook of mine and read them out loud to ezra on her birthday so she knows about the women who cared for me when i was preggo.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Gunter</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9860974"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i had a mother's blessing bu no baby shower. no baby shower wanted this time, either.<br><br>
we COULD all send you mother's blessings in the mail if you would like to share your address. then, you could wait until they all arrive and sit down and read the shared motherhood thoughts and care we have for you and your pregnancy. i made a scrapbook of mine and read them out loud to ezra on her birthday so she knows about the women who cared for me when i was preggo.</div>
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Ooooh This is a great idea!<br><br>
Kathy - I'm not expecting a baby shower b/c I'm all the way in China. Most of my non-Chinese friends here are my age or younger and have no clue about pregnancy, birth, or baby showers and my parents are still in the states. It's not really a big deal. It's not like I need a lot, it's just sometimes I miss not missing out kwim?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Gingerbane. What's the local traditions like where you are? (and for that matter, who are you going to talk babies with once you have the bean?) Baby showers over here are pretty much unheard of, but we're planning a kitchen warming/ baby blessing/ Easter party for some time next year.
 

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Well I don't relate to any of you who say you don't want a shower. I am on my 3rd pregnancy and no I don't need anything but I have never had a baby shower. There was always someone in my family who "needed it more than me" that was pregnant at the same time.<br><br>
I get really sad about it. I have gone to all these cute little parties whith the cute little games and cute little blue or pink gifts but none of it has ever been for me. I know that baby showers don't equal love but as weird as it sounds I have always felt my family didn't care as much about me because I was the one they never did that for.<br><br>
As many of you know I am new to my area and one of the mothers in the neighbor hood gave me a hand me down playpen the other day. It is beat up and not the right color, but none the less it meant so friggin much to me that I almost cried. My first gift for one of my pregnancies. I can't tell you how excited I was.<br><br>
I would be absolutely delighted to get a baby shower. At this point it goes way beyond getting some silly gift. It would really touch my heart for someone just to be putting in the effort. If there were no gifts at all and everyone just signed a card or something I think it would be the something I would treasure forever.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Gunter</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9860974"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i had a mother's blessing bu no baby shower. no baby shower wanted this time, either.<br><br>
we COULD all send you mother's blessings in the mail if you would like to share your address. then, you could wait until they all arrive and sit down and read the shared motherhood thoughts and care we have for you and your pregnancy. i made a scrapbook of mine and read them out loud to ezra on her birthday so she knows about the women who cared for me when i was preggo.</div>
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That is so sweet, but really I wasn't fishing for someone do to something for me. It's okay. I think God is putting this all in my heart to spur me on to do something for someone who may have a situation a little worse than me. I do have amazing friends who love me very much. They will be here for the birth, may even have to catch the baby if my midwife doesn't make it. After the baby when I'm struggling to survive the early days with baby #4, they will be here waiting on me, playing with my kids and bringing me food. I'm so blessed that I have people I can call on when I need them and they will do anything for me, just as I will for them. Right now they are like my family and I'm so glad to have them. I really couldn't ask for more and I feel silly being sad about not having blood relatives when my support system is really so much more than many other mother's have. I have been given clothes, diapers, baby gear, fabric. I don't need anything. It's silly for me to even be upset about it.<br><br>
I think the underlying reason for all of this is that I have only my parents, who don't really seem to care and I do have one sister but she is so mentally ill that carrying on a phone conversation with her is nearly impossible.<br><br>
I look around this time of year and I see other people who have family to visit, brothers and sisters involved in their daily lives, grandparents taking an active role in grand children's lives, little cousins who play together daily.... Then I look at our plans for Christmas and all I have are my dh and my children. Being that the holiday season just happens to coincide with my third trimester makes me extra sensitive to the fact that not only will we have no one to celebrate the holidays with, but I'm almost finished being pregnant and no one will celebrate the baby either.<br><br>
I'll get over it and I'd like to do something to help another mama in the meantime. I truly am blessed and don't need anything other than to just get over it and move on.<br><br>
Carlito's Wife- I understand what it's like being new to the area and feeling lonely. I can't come be there for you, but I would like to send you a gift if you would please pm your address to me. Please don't be shy about it. I know how nice it is to get pretty baby things in the mail and I want to brighten your day a bit, ok?
 

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No shower here either. We live far away from family, but besides my parents and siblings the baby doesn't even get acknowledged until we visit there. It does make me sad, because everyone else has a big shebang and oohs and aahs.
 

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I had 2 last time and it looks like none this time. It didn't bother me until my midwife brought it up at our last appt and said that I could have the woman who was organizing the shower do A B and C to make it more of a blessingway and supportive thing than a shower of gifts, etc., and how various people would be happy to do D E and F (like they could volunteer to walk the dog, or bring by food, or contribute to a weekly cleaning service) and I started to feel kind of crappy that no one would be doing those things for us. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> But I know it's different the second time around, and the two showers I had last time were both thrown by people I work with and not my family anyway. I have been actively working on re-setting my expectations where my parents in particular are considered and I don't think it would ever even dawn on my mom to organize one. Although it would dawn on her to be offended if she weren't invited to one that someone else threw. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I'm trying to make up for it by making sure I stay in touch with my friends who are a great source of support and inspiration, and by participating in our local attachment parenting group and trying to support the other new mamas, basically to treat others the way I'd want to be treated in order to make a positive contribution to the local birthing/parenting community.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>flapjack</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9861301"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Gingerbane. What's the local traditions like where you are? (and for that matter, who are you going to talk babies with once you have the bean?) Baby showers over here are pretty much unheard of, but we're planning a kitchen warming/ baby blessing/ Easter party for some time next year.</div>
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The local traditions here are soooo different. Basically when you're pregnant you don't do ANYTHING or go ANYWHERE at all period. Your mother-in-law lives with you and keeps the house and cooks and takes care of everything. After you have the baby you are expected to stay at home with the babe for one month. During this time you are not to bathe, wash your hair, use A/C or heat. It's very strange and I'm not sure it's completely followed to a T these days. As I'm American though and have no MIL to help (thank goodness for that) I will just be doing whatever I want. I do have a few people who are more than willing to help if I need it though.<br><br>
As far as talking babies....our best friends who had 2 and got pregnant almost the same time as us, moved back to the states last year. Most of the other non-Chinese people I hang out with are single but they really love hearing about everything baby. It's actually kind of good as I feel they really soak up my views on Homebirth/Un-circ/Extended BF and all that jazz. There is a pregnant Chinese lady two floors above us that is one month ahead of me. We have gone walking a couple times. I really want to be friends but the baby culture over here is just so different. Traditionally the husbands parents will raise the child for the first four years of the babes live (whether they live close by or not). I am currently going to school this semester to extend my Chinese language skills. I really hope to be fluent in the next year or so and start an LLL where I live for both Chinese and Foreign women. Hopefully then I'll find more friends with common ground.<br><br>
Who do you talk babies with?
 

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I just had a big hormonal cry over this today. I never had one with e and chalked it up to being overseas and not having alot of friends. Now I have been back here in the states for 2 years and I don't see myself getting one. I got a invite for a girl I hardlly know shower yesterday in the mail that tipped me off. As BAD as I want one this time I don't want to have a hodge podge of people that only a few are good friends with me and only a few know eachother. I would feel akward and I don't want to people I hardley know feel like they have to give me something and come becuase they got an invite. WE have almost everything we need since we have e but the ONLY thing I NEED I wouldn't get most likey from most people I know, two of my friends would respect that wish, but not the others. I would rather have a blessing but I REALLY don't see that being a possibilty either. UGH freakin hormones. I bet this makes no sense or sounds real petty but I always thought that when I was a grown up and got pregnant that I would have the shower with the stupid games and ohhs and ahhh and I feel like the friendless loser I was on HS all over again and even worse for thinking that way. Sorry for the rant, have had a long day and night.
 

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I felt EXACTLY like this with my bridal shower. I got married five years or more after the vast majority of my friends. I threw two bridal showers and attended so many others I've lost track. So, when I finally met the right man, my friends... were all into baby showers. I felt overlooked and forgotten. It didn't help that one of my closest girlfriends was at least a six hour drive away, and the other one two, with husbands and babies, so there was no chance they even could.<br><br>
And I mentioned this to someone, who turned out to be the host of my surprise shower. The thing is, I'm now going to wonder for the rest of my life if she did it because she was going to all along, or because I was whining. It sort of ruined the shower for me.<br><br>
It wouldn't occur to my family to throw any kind of shower, BTW. But bear in mind that in many parts of the USA, people still follow the etiquette that states family should NEVER throw the shower. It used to be considered quite tacky, and it still is in some places where mom/sister as hostess hasn't come into common usage.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>gingerbane</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9868040"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Traditionally the husbands parents will raise the child for the first four years of the babes live (whether they live close by or not)</div>
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Now that explains it! I live in a college town and it seems every time a Chinese professor gets pregnant all of sudden an elderly Chinese couple arrives in town and they parade the little baby like he's God's gift to mankind. It's adorable to see the elderly with the baby but at the same time it intimidates the heck out of me because I could see them treating the new parents like they're totally incompetent.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>nascarbebe</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9871018"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Now that explains it! I live in a college town and it seems every time a Chinese professor gets pregnant all of sudden an elderly Chinese couple arrives in town and they parade the little baby like he's God's gift to mankind. It's adorable to see the elderly with the baby but at the same time it intimidates the heck out of me because I could see them treating the new parents like they're totally incompetent.</div>
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Yeah, it's definitely a cultural thing. I've even met Chinese families in the states that have sent their babies back to China to live with the babes grandparents for the first 4-5 years. Then the grandparents send them back to the parents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I used to work for a company that employed mostly Indians and I noticed the same thing. Quite a few grandmothers flew over from India after births of their grandchildren and when they left, they took the babies with them. I worked there for 3 years and never saw a baby come back from India to live with his/her parents. At the time I was struggling and a single mother and many of them suggested that I send my baby to live with my parents for a few years so I could work and earn money and take her back when she got older.<br><br>
I want to add though, that I'm not saying they all do this. For all I know it was just the parents I happened to meet while I worked there. Some of them did decide to keep their babies with them, but even then, the grandparents moved here to help care for them while the parents worked.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Writerbird</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9871007"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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And I mentioned this to someone, who turned out to be the host of my surprise shower. The thing is, I'm now going to wonder for the rest of my life if she did it because she was going to all along, or because I was whining. It sort of ruined the shower for me.<br></div>
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This is why NONE of my friends here know how I'm feeling, lol! I don't ever want anyone to feel like they must do something for me! I'd be so embarrassed!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Carlito's_wife</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9861363"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well I don't relate to any of you who say you don't want a shower. I am on my 3rd pregnancy and no I don't need anything but I have never had a baby shower. There was always someone in my family who "needed it more than me" that was pregnant at the same time.<br><br>
I get really sad about it. I have gone to all these cute little parties whith the cute little games and cute little blue or pink gifts but none of it has ever been for me. I know that baby showers don't equal love but as weird as it sounds I have always felt my family didn't care as much about me because I was the one they never did that for.<br><br>
As many of you know I am new to my area and one of the mothers in the neighbor hood gave me a hand me down playpen the other day. It is beat up and not the right color, but none the less it meant so friggin much to me that I almost cried. My first gift for one of my pregnancies. I can't tell you how excited I was.<br><br>
I would be absolutely delighted to get a baby shower. At this point it goes way beyond getting some silly gift. It would really touch my heart for someone just to be putting in the effort. If there were no gifts at all and everyone just signed a card or something I think it would be the something I would treasure forever.</div>
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mama,<br><br>
i hope that you can run into some great mamas in your area. i don't know what i would do without my mamas! even though i didn't have a traditional baby shower, my mother's blessing was so important to me. it was fabulous to gather with all those women and have their blessings. i am very excited to have another one, especially now that i have some really great mama friends who have supported me sooo much over the past 2 years and in my pregnancy. i hope this comes to you and your life soon. we would definitely hang out if we lived closer together!!!
 
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