[julesmom]

I was thinking of giving the UP dvd to my mother. She is a "good boy"-saying machine and gets irritated/defensive when I try to explain Kohn's viewpoint (and my own viewpoint for that matter

) to her.

I liked how he presented this topic in the book. I know, however, my mother won't read the book. So I was wondering if he spends much time on this issue in the dvd.

TIA

 

[WuWei]

I would imagine the DVD covers it as Kohn feels strongly about it. Everything I have heard is positive about the DVD. Most husbands even love it.

Would she read an article about evaluative praise? http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

Pat

 

[julesmom]

Hi Pat,

Thank you for your response. I printed out the "5 Reasons..." article and presented it to mom (in the most gentle way I could come up with at the time

) quite a few months ago.

After the first paragraph, she pretty much dismissed it and did not read the whole thing. She can become very defensive about this kind of thing. I thought a segment within the body of a video presentation may be an avenue she may response to more openly.

I went ahead and ordered a copy. I am looking forward to seeing it myself...then passing it on to mom and dh.

 

[WuWei]

If grandma isn't in his life more than 4 hours a week, I wouldn't worry about it. Ds will learn 'that is grandma's way', imo. She is showing love the only way she knows. Shaming or punishments is another issue.

Pat

 

[RootBeerFloat]

I have a similar problem with my mother, who visits us twice per week for several hours. I've given her articles on praise and she also dismisses them; I think it's more that she's hurt by the indication that she's doing something wrong.

I am worried about the effect on dd and am trying hard not to be. I feel like even if she is with dd about 12 hours per week, I'm with her all of the other hours. I'd better worry about ME and how to do the best job I can. I feel like alot of it rests on her--the quality of her relationship with dd is on her. If her endless praising backfires on her, which it is already, she's experience the consequences. I feel like if I do my job well, dd will recover from any bumps in their relationship, and will have a strong enough sense of self not to turn into a praise junkie.

 

[julesmom]

Thanks to you both Tiffany and Pat!

Yes, I have been working *hard* at learning how to accept the fact that I don't have total control over how my family members interact with ds. I understand that they mean the best. They love ds very much and are not at all into punishment/shaming. There are just subtle things, but I believe that even these subtle messages will have a strong impact on how ds comes to view himself and the world around him.

The thing is...my mother lives with us so she is a very present role model for ds. As much as I try to accept that it is good for ds to discover that all people will have a unique way of interacting with him, it becomes difficult in this situation.

I could go on and on about this situation with living with my mother but I'll spare you my mother-daughter relationship baggage

.

Thanks again!

 

[Yooper]

That is so hard! I would definately try the DVD. It can't hurt, right? We have the same problem with the grandmas. Luckily they live 10 hours away but dd sees one at least once a month for several days. It takes an entire week to get the "good jobs" out of system. She trips all over herself to "please" everyone to get the pats on the head. It is really sad but neither grandma is willing to even discuss it. I feel it is very confusing to dd and worry that it will eventually strain her relationship with both women.

 

[julesmom]

What really starts to irk me is when I see that ds stops doing things he once enjoyed because the praise has taken the joy out of the experience. I may be wrong (it may be that ds is just moving onto other interests) but I believe that my mom's constant over-the-top praise over his playing the drum set she bought him ultimately stopped him from playing...just one example.

What gets me even more irritated is that *I* am starting to feel pressure to praise in situations I normally wouldn't because he hears it so much from my mother. I think sometimes he thinks he is not pleasing me because I don't "good boy", "good job" him to death.

I hope the dvd will offer a bit more insight for her and reinforce my view.

Thanks Yooper!

ETA: My mother is also in the habit of saying, "He is such a good boy. Isn't he a good boy, mommy?" This REALLY gets me...now I'm stuck...what am I supposed to say to that? Aarrgh!

 

[WuWei]

Quote:

Originally Posted by julesmom What really starts to irk me is when I see that ds stops doing things he once enjoyed because the praise has taken the joy out of the experience. I may be wrong (it may be that ds is just moving onto other interests) but I believe that my mom's constant over-the-top praise over his playing the drum set she bought him ultimately stopped him from playing...just one example.

Ok, I just want to mention that you are concerned that he STOPPED playing DRUMS?!?!

Actually, our son has drums and I find his increased rhythm pleasing to observe developing. Seriously though, I understand your concern. I don't know what to say. That situation wouldn't work for me. I empathize with your need to help your mom, but does she have to LIVE with you? Perhaps, I am just imagining the horror of living with MY mom. Assuming your son is going to school, the reward/punishment matrix will be the same thing all day, everyday. I do wonder about the absence of praise from the parent in the case of a child conditioned to receive praise. If you are able to use the same excited inflection about *his* excitement and pride, that would help balance it, I hope. "Wow! You sound so excited! Look how excited you are! Oh MY! That is tall, big, red, creative, decorated, colorful, etc.' I think the eye contact and shared enthusiasm is creates the critical *connection* piece.

I don't use "good/bad" in my lexicon. Dh peppers everything with 'great, wonderful, super, good, excellent, perfect, etc.' He doesn't make any negative statements thankfully. What can you do? I feel our son is emotionally anchored enough that he will be able to discern what meet his needs. Since it appears that your mother's praise isn't conditional, that is another benefit.(??) It sounds like she is just a cheery lady.

That seems to be the most peaceful way of viewing it. I do find that dh has borrowed some of my phrases of "shared excitement". So, our actions, not just our words and videos do influence. Just as ds tells me "good job" if he has been watching Bob the Builder.

Quote:

What gets me even more irritated is that *I* am starting to feel pressure to praise in situations I normally wouldn't because he hears it so much from my mother. I think sometimes he thinks he is not pleasing me because I don't "good boy", "good job" him to death.

This is my main concern related to your situation. As your mother is putting you on the spot to praise in her way as you mention below, I would discuss that she at least not ask you to praise him.

Quote:

I hope the dvd will offer a bit more insight for her and reinforce my view.

Sometimes (well, maybe often) it helps to release the idea of convincing. Then she might not feel as attached to defending and holding on to praising.

Quote:

ETA: My mother is also in the habit of saying, "He is such a good boy. Isn't he a good boy, mommy?" This REALLY gets me...now I'm stuck...what am I supposed to say to that? Aarrgh!

I would respond, "I love you all the time". This might help to make the point that she is judging when he is "good".

Best wishes, Pat

 

[julesmom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by scubamama Ok, I just want to mention that you are concerned that he STOPPED playing DRUMS?!?!

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I love the "I love you all the time" suggestion! Will be using that one!

And yes, my mom is a cheerful lady and has never ever said anything negative to ds. They do have a special relationship and I know I have to work on *releasing the idea of convincing* with her. She is 76 yo and I know that changing how she interacts would be an up-hill journey. I guess I just wish she could better understand *why* I have the ideas I do, that they are (I believe) for ds' well-being, and that it becomes a matter of respect for the life I want to share with my son.

I'm hoping the dvd will open the way for conversation with this topic and others. Maybe if we get a better idea of where we are both coming from it will become easier to accept, change, or just let-go.

Thanks again!