having a hard time.

Sativarain1 · Nov 10, 2010

.
 
delted a lot of this for privacy reasons.
 
 I mean somehow I lived thru this stuff and still wasn't ready to walk away.
 
I'm just really heartbroken by everything.

DeerMother · Nov 11, 2010

Please listen to the prosecuters who think he is the scariest abuser they have seen. Sure, you could visit with him, and he could show you his "good" side. But I don't think that is the real him. The real him is the person who abused you - hurt your body and soul.
 
Are there any groups or temporary counseling you can do until December?

wytchywoman · Nov 11, 2010

I understand where you are coming from. Love isn't like a faucet where you can just twist a knob and it stops. You do need to consider though that just because you weren't ready for this to happen doesn't mean that it is not what was needed. He is in jail because he is a very serious threat to your safety. He wouldn't be there otherwise. Can you call a local DV shelter and see if they can give you some counseling prior to December? It sounds like you need some closure, and maybe somewhere on down the line there may be a safe way that you can get that, but trying to salvage a relationship with someone who is such a gigantic threat to your safety would not be wise. Please really think about this. What would it take for you to be ok with your relationship ending? How bad does it have to get for you to willingly walk away from him? I'm new to this forum so I don't know exactly what he's done to you in the past, but the way you describe things it sounds pretty bad. You don't deserve this. ((((((HUGS)))))

Theia · Nov 11, 2010

I agree with what WW said, "What would it take for you to be ok with your relationship ending?" 
 
If the law enforcement people think he is the worst they've seen, it really worries me. I'm sure they also know that there is much more than what you are telling them. They realize that in these relationships it rarely gets absolutely horrible right away. They know this is a long term abuse situation, you said you had an RO or OOP against him a year ago or so. They know how bad it is, how unsafe it is, even if you have only disclosed a few events. They know that there is much more than just the most recent violence that scared you badly enough to seek help from them. 
 
If you could talk to him, and he showed you the good side, would you believe him? Or is it just that you would want to believe him? And if he did show his good side to you, would you really risk you and your childrens lives by letting him into your life? You don't have to answer these here. I just want you to think this all the way through. The large majority of his past behavior towards you is a really good indicator of his future behavior towards you. Based on what you have said, it sounds like the good times do not outweigh the bad in quantity, and while only you can be the true judge of the quality of what he gives you, is the cost of the very bad stuff worth the few crumbs of the good that he gives you?
 
I am so sorry that this is so hard for you to let go of him. I think in your heart you know it's for the best. But it's true love isn't set up on a light switch with a simple off and on circuit. If you need someone to talk to in the meantime before your DV counseling starts, could you call the National DV Hotline and speak with someone there when you feel overwhelmed? Or maybe a clergy person that you feel comfortable with? I am praying that you will find the peace you deserve and the strength to move beyond the life of pain that having him in your life would bring. <img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/hug.gif">

nola79 · Nov 11, 2010

It just isn't easy. I do hope you can find someone to talk to before december. Can you call other therapists, or is the dec one the 1st available? One thing that helped me when I was in a similar situation was to write down what I was greatful for everyday. It sounds cheesy, but it helped me to both take my mind off of XH and also put my feelings into perspective. I am glad you are safe.

Sativarain1 · Nov 11, 2010

deleted.

~Boudicca~ · Nov 11, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Sativarain1 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278390/having-a-hard-time#post_16035829"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> both prosecutors thought he was very dangerous and he really was going to kill me.....BUT...... BUT.....that is them thinking worst case scenario. nobody knows for sure. I know he talked about it and threatened to do so, but maybe it was just meant to scare me.... Maybe????
 
 
 
 
Also mama's what about the small good part of him? does that count? I mean does that mean anything despite the awful abuse? Why does he show everyone else that side more than me? I just wish he didn't stop showing me his good side like he did. He took all the good away from me?
 
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Mama. Do you really want to find out if he was only trying to scare you, if the prosecutors are going on 'worst case scenario'? Do you?
 
The big question you have to ask yourself is what if he's not?
 
Don't hang your life and your children's lives on a what if.
 
And no, I don't think the small good part means jack. No, it doens't count. Not if the other 97% of the time he is hell bent on you and your babe's lives hell.
 
You deserve safety. You deserve love. You deserve wayyyyyyy more than crumbs. And you deserve to live without fear.
 
I am glad the prosecutors did for you what you weren't able to do for yourself. This may sound harsh, but IME it is always the abused woman in the room who is the last person to really see that.
 
I keep you in my thoughts every day mama. I know that processing this is a nightmare, but it's necessary. I hope that being away from him can clear the muddiness in your heart and you can finally say, "You're goddamn right I can do better than that POS!"

*MamaJen* · Nov 11, 2010

It's okay to have those feelings of grief and loss. Our love for our abusers is something real, even if they don't deserve our love. It's hard to just flip a switch and turn that off.
That said...I believe that it will always be enormously dangerous for you to be in a relationship with him. I believe that really severe abusers like him are literally not capable of not abusing their partner. I believe that there is no chance of him changing. I truly believe that if you give him enough time, he will murder you, and possibly your children too. I've written too many news stories about women who were abused for years and finally murdered. And now that he's been sentenced to jail ... I believe that if you sought him out, that might be the last time we heard from you. Please, please please don't try to see him now. I can't even start to explain how horribly dangerous that would be.
Going to the police was the best possible thing you could do for you, and even more than that, it was the best possible thing you could do for your children. Going to the police was huge. It meant that your survival instincts and your strength and your sense of self finally got bigger than the control he has over you. I'm so proud of you for doing that.
It is really, really difficult to protect yourself from abuse alone. I couldn't do it, I needed my friends to come in and help protect me.And if you can't protect yourself from abuse, you also can't protect your children. And of course, it's deeply scarring for a child to witness his mother being abused.
I think it's the best possible thing that you have this legal system that's helping you protect yourself from this man who has hurt you so badly over such a long period of time.
You've always said that you didn't want the relationship to end, just the abuse. But that's just not something that's possible in this universe. He's an abuser, and abusers don't change (especially really severe batters like that). As long as you hold on to that thought of "fixing" the relationship, it will be really difficult for you to heal from this. That kind of thinking will keep you a victim, rather than a survivor. And I think you are strong enough to be a survivor.
I've said it before: Love like this is an addiction. It's an addiction to something harmful that does nothing but hurt yourself and your children. You feel withdrawal pains when you quit it, but unless you can push through that addiction, your life will never be your own.
You did the right thing, and we're all really proud of you. Hang on to that strength.
 
ETA: We cross posted. As far as the good parts of his personality go...EVERYONE has good parts to their personality. Hitler was really nice to dogs. You deserve so, so, so much more than crumbs of niceness in between physical pattering and death threats. And as far as the "did he change while he was in jail" question...no. He didn't. Abusers don't just see the light like that. The kind of change that he would need would be years and years of intensive counseling and mental reprogramming. He would have to change every element of what he thought about other people. That will not happen.
I can tell you what probably is happening right now. He's getting really pissed off. He's fantasizing about ways to hurt you. He believes that him being in jail is 100 percent your fault, rather than a result of him inflicting criminal abuse on you (because if there's any single trait that all abusers share, it's a refusal to accept responsibility for their actions). And if he sees you again, your life will be in danger.
I'm sorry, mama. This man is a danger to your life. Grieve for him, but don't keep thinking about getting back together with him. That will just prolong the hurt.

Halfasianmomma · Nov 11, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by *MamaJen* <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278390/having-a-hard-time#post_16035866"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> Love like this is an addiction. It's an addiction to something harmful that does nothing but hurt yourself and your children. You feel withdrawal pains when you quit it, but unless you can push through that addiction, your life will never be your own.
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This.
 
Perhaps it would change your perspective if you thought of yourself as "addicted" to him. Like an illegal substance, he is bad for you, and you know it, and yet you still want to go to him to get your "fix". You focus your life and thoughts around him, getting to him, worrying for him,...it is truly an addiction.
 
When addicts are in recovery, they need a) support from their peers, and b) to keep themselves busy in order to get past the withdrawal, where the body literally SCREAMS for another dose of their drug of choice.
 
It passes. It's difficult and painful, BUT discomfort never killed anyone.
 
You already took that super important first step. The doubt and loss you feel are part of the process of weaning yourself off him. Your mind and heart and body are used to him, to the way he treats you, so it's natural to want to go back to what's known and "usual".
 
Perhaps it's time to seek out that support from your peers in real life. I really think "emergency counselling" through your local DV shelter would be helpful. Also, do you work? Are you in school? Do you have stuff to keep you ridiculously busy? Now's the time for that.
 
About the "good" part of him....If you put the "good" and "bad" parts of him on a scale, and weighed them, do you think the good would outweigh the bad? I tend to think not.
 
I'm sorry this is so hard mama. We're here for you.

Wild Lupine · Nov 11, 2010

:hugs
 
What I'm hearing is that however horrible he was to you, and however dangerous it would be for you to be in touch with him, this is still a huge loss for you. And it came at a time and manner that you couldn't control. That is very difficult, like dealing with a sudden death.
 
I wonder if you could find some ritual that would help you grieve and move on?

Sativarain1 · Nov 11, 2010

Wild Lupine, exactly that's how I feel. This is a loss to me no matter what anyone else says. It's easy to be on the outside looking in and judging, but I really love him and wanted so much to be a family.
Do you have any ideas on a ritual?
 
He does not fill my thoughts all day, but he is a part of my thoughts and still in my heart.
I'm trying to stay busy and focused on other things but I still DID NOT WANT THIS.... so it's hard.

Theia · Nov 11, 2010

Val, I hope you don't feel judged by what we are saying to you. Personally, I can say I don't judge you, I may look at the situation as a whole, and apply my discernment or judgement as to what experience has provided me. But it's not YOU that is being judged. I accept that this is incredibly hard for you. Maybe you could consider reading about 12 step programs to help you deal with your addiction to him. I fully agree that it is an addiction. I suggest you work on grieving and letting go even with out talking to him. He may give you a crumb while he is in jail, but I promise you, it is only a crumb. He is not going to change in a short period of time, and given that he has already blamed you for his imprisonment, he's not going to come out and say he is sorry and be the kind of person you deserve.
 
I'd also like to say that if the prosecutors are basing their action on "worst case scenario" then it is likely that they believe the worst case scenario is a real possibility. They have seen many similar cases and are basing their actions off of their interactions with many other abusive individuals. So while this is very personal for you, for them it is based on experience and what they've seen and learned through the years of doing this kind of work. 
 
I looked for some kind of ritual for you... and came up with <a href="http://bluerosehealingarts.com/article-rituals.html" target="_blank">this link</a>. It is a very simple ritual, and maybe it would be helpful. You could always customize it to what feels right for you. <img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com//images/smilies/hug.gif">

Halfasianmomma · Nov 11, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Sativarain1 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278390/having-a-hard-time#post_16036564"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> but I still DID NOT WANT THIS.... so it's hard.
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I wanted to gently point out that perhaps you are saying this because you feel that the situation has evolved out of your control. Perhaps you can ask yourself when it was ever in your control?
 
Or perhaps the statement is being said because you don't want to be blamed for the end of the relationship, or for what is happening to him. In that case, I'll say -- bluntly -- that all this is HIS doing. You never had a gun to his head forcing him to mistreat you. You never threatened his life and told him he HAD to constantly mistreat you, day in and day out. He decided all on his own to abuse you, REPEATEDLY. There are consequences to his choices, and now he has to deal with them.
 
I'm glad you're considering doing some kind of ritual to help grieve your loss and purge part of the pain you feel.

wytchywoman · Nov 11, 2010

Sativarain, I am not judging you. I don't think anyone else is either but I can only speak for myself. I understand just how very very very hard it is to let go of someone that you love. Please believe me. I get it. I understand where you are and how it feels. The other women and I are simply trying to get you to view this with a different perspective. No one here faults you for still loving him and wanting the good times back. We all did that. We are just trying to get you to see that the possible and even probably outcome of this is going to far outweigh any good that he can give to you. AND we are very concerned for your safety. I know it's hard to let go of someone, especially when it feels like they've been wretched from your grasp by an outside party, but sometimes that's what the universe needed to do to move the situation along. (((((((HUGS)))))
 
I wanted to add too about the ritual. One thing that helped me when I was leaving my ex is to meditate about it. I envisioned a strong cord that bound us together, between my body and his. When I was ready, I cut the sword with a shining silver blade. Then I envisioned that cord that was still attached to me being burnt away by a brilliant violet flame. It was pretty melodramatic, but I found the more dramatic it was, the stronger the release was for me. My ex and I were attached on a spiritual level and I had to address that in order to be ok with things ending between us. I did this several times before I felt that it was really dealt with, so don't give up on it if it feels like it didn't work the first time. Keep doing it. Doing this in the shower or a hot bath, and being able to "wash away" his energy helped me too.

Sativarain1 · Nov 12, 2010

I came back to Ohio for us to be a family and look where it led.... it's just not what I envisioned.

Theia · Nov 12, 2010

Val, you will get through this. Just keep talking to us about it, and seek out people in your community who will be supportive of you also. If someone judges you, then they aren't the kind of person you need to have a lot of contact with right now. You are doing the right thing. I know it's not what you wanted or expected. Just let yourself grieve for the loss of the dream, the relationship with him that you can't have. Stay strong. We are all here to support you through this.

Surfacing · Nov 12, 2010

There was some wisdom in your gut that led you to talk to the police. Nobody deserves to be treated the way he treated you.
 
Yes, there is loss there and grief. As you move through this transition, you can fill your life with more positive and healthy people and relationships. You can fill the hole with self-care and self love. That's a start.

Wild Lupine · Nov 12, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Sativarain1 <a href="/community/forum/thread/1278390/having-a-hard-time#post_16036564"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Wild Lupine, exactly that's how I feel. This is a loss to me no matter what anyone else says. It's easy to be on the outside looking in and judging, but I really love him and wanted so much to be a family.
Do you have any ideas on a ritual?
 
He does not fill my thoughts all day, but he is a part of my thoughts and still in my heart.
I'm trying to stay busy and focused on other things but I still DID NOT WANT THIS.... so it's hard.
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I like the link Theia gave.
 
Sometimes I find it helpful to work in images, like making collages. Perhaps you could make a collage of everything the relationship represented for you (whether or not it ever manifested), everything you feel you're losing (whether or not you ever had it). Then burn it and scatter the ashes someplace significant for you, maybe a place you could return to if you feel the need later for more grieving. I think without that space or place to grieve, you might be tempted to return to him when you're feeling a sense of loss, so this will give you a safe and healthy place to go.
 
A second collage could be made of everything you might be getting without him in your life. It might be too early to have too many hopes and dreams about your new life, so maybe it could be a work in progress. Every time you discover something new that you can have that you couldn't with him (like a good night's sleep) you can put a picture to represent that on your collage. Seeing what you're gaining can really help heal those feelings of loss.
 
And again, we're here for you whenever you need us.

Oubliette8 · Nov 14, 2010

I'm glad to hear you are still safe. I understand how hard and confusing it must be to have all of this happen at once. I think what you are going through is not uncommon. Is there a domestic violence shelter in your area? The one in my area offers support and advocates to help through this time with the separation and the legal process. They also offer counseling and groups. You don't have to be staying at the shelter to get services. And the services start right away. Counseling is good, but something like this could get you through until December, and then offer additional support. If you aren't aware of programs in your area, try asking the prosecutors, they may be aware of resources for victims of domestic violence. You might also check with your local United Way. I can see you really want to go back, and I think some real life support from people with experience in domestic violence issues would be really helpful to you right now. I"ll be thinking of you.

pranamama · Nov 14, 2010

after a lot of abuse, it takes a really long time away from the abuser to get their voice and power out of your life. I would consider this the beginning of a vacation from him, his thoughts feelings and needs and really take time to not envision what he is going through,and refocus when your thoughts turn to him to focus on your own thoughts feelings and interests.

having a hard time.

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