[Mama Poot]

I'm sure everyone has gone through some kind of tangle with their own parents/in laws and their kids. I am about ready to blow my stack with my mother and I need some solid advice before I do. Simply put, the woman just doesn't quit. She criticizes everything I do, and lately has been obsessing about my 1yo's diet and telling me what to feed him and saying things like "Well he needs this, he needs that, you need to have him eat things with "more bulk" ( ummm what the hell does this mean? and why would I follow advice like that from someone who is overweight and extremely unhealthy? ) I mean its REALLY getting out of control. Every single conversation eventually comes around to DS's eating habits. DS weighs around 18lbs ( I think...could be closer to 20 by now ), is extremely active, has always been a long and lean baby, LOVES food and will eat almost anything, and has a serious problem digesting cow's milk, so things like cheese and milk and most things involving those ingredients are OUT. The things he eats the most of are avocado, sweet potato, butternut squash, banana, whole wheat bread, beef, chicken, and lamb ( still on the pureed meats ) applesauce, peaches, pears, carrots....I could go on and on. My mother does not understand the concept of whole foods, their value, and why you should eat them as opposed to processed foods. She is forever asking when DS is going to start "Stage 3" foods and I've just had it with this stupid obsession. DS's diet is controlled by myself and my husband and to some extent his pediatrician. NO ONE ELSE. I don't feel my mother has ANY right to be making these comments, and I can easily see a day in the future when DS is old enough to understand her and she tells him "Your mother doesn't feed you enough"....trust me its coming.

: DS turns 1 tommorrow, and the party is Sunday. She asked me if I would be having a cake and of course I said NO. Im going to make DS a pumpkin pie. He loves sweet things, and I thought pumpkin would be a hit with him, and its much healthier. She told me "I don't think he will like pumpkin pie." WTF!!!!!!!! Then she tried prying me about other foods I will have at the party. I didn't give her any specifics- I don't have to. We don't eat chips or junk food around here anymore, and I know that's what she was getting at. She thinks just because I'm having a party means I'll throw my entire credo regarding nutrition out the window to suit her......i'm getting worked up.... UGH. HOW do you set boundaries with a person like this???

Eat what you want. Eat lots of it. Yes, eat too much of it. Eat till you can just stagger across the room with it and prop it up against a sofa cushion. Eat everything that you like until you can't eat any more. The only test is, can you pay for it? If you can't pay for it, don't eat it. And listen-don't worry as to whether your food contains starch, or albumen, or gluten, or nitrogen. If you are a damn fool enough to want these things, go and buy them and eat all you want of them. Go to a laundry and get a bag of starch, and eat your fill of it. Eat it, and take a good long drink of glue after it, and a spoonful of cement. That will gluten you good and solid. -Stephen Leacock "Literary Lapses"

 

[Mylittlevowels]

Mmm...I love pumpkin pie, what a great idea for a birthday "cake"!
I think you just need to tell her straight out, and if she gets offended, so be it. Say something like, "Look, Mom, I am an adult and DS is my child. I decide what he eats, not you. He's very healthy and his doctor is pleased with his diet, so there's absolutely nothing for you to worry about."

 

[shoefairy3]

i am so sorry you are having this issue with your mother....IMO stage 3 foods are a joke and completely unnessesary

My fil is alot like this (in this and other areas) I have found the best thing it to ignore him and his rantings. He used to chase my kids around with food trying to feed them. These kind of things i would ignore...it wasnt hurting the kids and only wasting his time and energy

I would stand my ground on the cake thing...pumpkin pie sounds yummy and original. Tell her it isnt up for discussion and leave it at that

Easier said than done it know...hope things get better for you

 

[Mama Poot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mylittlevowels I think you just need to tell her straight out, and if she gets offended, so be it. Say something like, "Look, Mom, I am an adult and DS is my child. I decide what he eats, not you. He's very healthy and his doctor is pleased with his diet, so there's absolutely nothing for you to worry about."

I've said those things a million times. Finally one day I said "Mom, you know it really hurts my feelings when you insinuate that I'm not taking care of my child. I've always put DS's nutrition first and foremost- you KNOW that."
And she gave me a seemingly sincere apology. I thought "Wow! Great! I handled myself well and this should be the last I hear about it!" Wrong. This is what I mean about her obsession about it. This isn't the only issue I've had to deal with her obsessing about. She regularly latches on to something and doesnt drop it for months. Last night she stopped by and was looking at Henri and made some comment about how his skin was blotchy in one spot. Of course its blotchy!! He's a newborn! Her fiance told her to stop worrying about it, he's just a baby for pete's sake. And she's all like "I know but I just want to make sure he's ok." GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

DH is becoming increasingly angry with her behavior because he sees her comments as weapons she uses against me to prop herself up. He thinks she's jealous of how I am raising my children and she says and acts how she does because everything I do is somehow some evil plot to make her look bad. I try not to believe this....but a large part of me fears its true.

 

[elmh23]

First, I'm going to steal your pumpkin pie idea for my dd's second birthday. It's right after Thanksgiving, so there should be plenty of pumpkin pie stuff around

Second, this might be a little mean, but I'd just flat out tell her "I don't think the way you eat is healthy. I want my self, my spouse and my son to be healthy. There fore, I will not listen to your suggestions on food, so quit. If you do not quit, then we will not be talking any longer." My mom eats like total crap, and she knows it (it's hard for her cause she lives with my aunt who lives on tv dinners, so if she cooks most of it goes to the dogs or the trashcan.) She doesn't give me much advice on food, except recommending fruits and veggies she knows I don't like (cooked spinach, brussel sprouts.)

Good luck. Family can suck sometimes.

 

[Mylittlevowels]

I'm afraid your dh might be right, Mama Poot

If the diplomatic approach hasn't worked, I'm afraid you may have to be very blunt, like elmh23's post. It sounds like your mother has alot of issues.

 

[Beeblebrox]

What have the consequences been for her actions? See, if nothing happens, then she has no reason to stop hounding you. Honestly, were this me, I would tell my mom outright that if she didn't stop critizing me, she wouldn't be seeing me or my family. End of story. I've got enough stress in myself. I expect my mother to be the last person to dish out more. So, you basically have to be prepared to follow through and make serious boundries. Look at this way, she doesn't seem to care if she hurts your feelings or tramples over your values.

 

[runes]

your dh might be on to something, unfortunately for you. this dynamic is probably going to be played out over and over. however, the good news is that there is something you can do about it. i can recommend a great book...it's called emotional blackmail by susan forward. it's helped tremendously in the weird interactions we've been having with dh's family.

i also want to thank you for the brilliant idea about pumpkin pie as a b-day cake. dd's birthday is 3 weeks before thanksgiving and this just might be the solution that i've been looking for. thanks!

 

[midwifetx]

You're going to have to stand up for your family and your dh needs to stand WITH you 100% in telling her that good nutrition is non-negotiable and will continue to be that way for the rest of your life, so she needs to lay off.

 

[Mama Poot]

Ok I sent her an email about the party. It goes like this:

Paddy's party is at 2pm on Sunday. As I mentioned, we will be having pumpkin pie for Paddy and anyone else who wants it, and we're also making a confetti cake. I will also have a veggie tray and a fruit salad, along with cold cuts or chicken salad sandwiches. Fare will be light, as it is an afternoon party. If you want anything else, feel free to bring it along.

Simple, right? I think I was fair. I could have been mean and not made another cake or allowed her to bring stuff. I don't have to supply junk food- but if others want it then they can bring it themselves.

 

[mysticmomma]

It really used to be like that though. They thought it was best. Perhaps you could say, you know... we've learned a lot in nutrition over the years, and this is what our pediatrician says is best for us. I really value your opnion, and it hurts me that you think I'm hurting or depriving my child.

 

[lilyka]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mama Poot Paddy's party is at 2pm on Sunday. As I mentioned, we will be having pumpkin pie for Paddy and anyone else who wants it, and we're also making a confetti cake. I will also have a veggie tray and a fruit salad, along with cold cuts or chicken salad sandwiches. Fare will be light, as it is an afternoon party. If you want anything else, feel free to bring it along.

I'm invited right?

sounds great. How can she argue with that

(ok she will find a way but at least you can rest knowing you are blameless.) My mom does stuff like this. I just smile and laugh and tell her how silly she is to be so worried but thank her for loving the girls so much. tell her according to the all mighty ped the girl is just fine (

old people love this one) or that I will ask my ped about that (although now she is starting to think she knows more than the Dr.) . I also tell her I will think about what she said and call her if I have any questions (but how can I when she explains it so well

: ) . I won't but but it makes her feel heard and feel like her concers were taken seriously. also chattering on about how thoughtful she is doesn't give her much of a chance to get a word in.

 

[Ann-Marita]

"This is a parental decision and is not up for discussion." Repeat as necessary.

If she keeps coming at you, say...
"This is a parental decision and is not up for discussion. If you continue, we will have to end this visit."

And if she continues...
LEAVE. Or tell her to leave.

 

[RubyWild]

One thing to keep in mind is that your mother is worried about her grandson, worried that he should be eating differently. She thinks that maybe you just don't realize this and if she keeps bringing it up, you'll see the light. That is very frustrating for you, but if you keep her thought processes in mind, it might make it easier to help her understand that you 1) have made a conscious decision to feed your son in a certain way, and 2) you're comfortable with how that is going and you're monitoring it all the time, and 3) that she needs to stop talking about this in front of your son.

I know my mom was scared for my daughter when I didn't start her on solids until she was 10 months old, so we sat down and had a conversation about it. One thing that came out of it was that my mother felt hurt that I was doing things differently from the way that she did them. She felt that I was judging her. I explained that I couldn't know what she did for me in the first year, so I wasn't doing things differently as a way of judging her parenting. I was just doing what I thought was best based on the books I had read and the things that I thought had worked for my nephews. My mother has calmed down about these things so much now. Although, she does like to, in her words, "spoil my granddaughter" with treats.