[nym]

I'm not doing so well. I can't keep it all together anymore. Not that I ever felt I could in the first place..

I just (on the 31st) moved from a toxic neighbour situation into a small place with a backyard. Landlord was to finish putting up fence yesterday so I could let my toddler run around. Of course he didn't show up.

My ex helped me move, but wouldn't talk to me the whole time as he hates moving and it is all my fault of course. It was a stressful move that I did on 2.5 hours of sleep as my 4 week old baby has the grouchies brought on by my oversupply of overactive letdown.

My toddler has been hitting for the last 3 months. He is hitting everything and everyone, he is very destructive and it is pissing me off. I dont know what to do. Redirection and talking doesnt work. He is not really verbal yet at 21 months so its hard to communicate with him. he does NOT listen to me.

I have severe PPD and Im not on anything. I am battling leaving my kids and running away every day. It doesnt help that I didnt want a second child and was very upset when I found out I was pregnant. I love my little son, but its hard..

My ex isnt much help. He is busy working, and while he comes over every night (so I can cook for him and to drop off his laundry.. we often run errands ands tuff then too) he isnt much help with the kids. He does however take my toddler every weekend so I can get a break. We fight often and had a great one yesterday in which I told him not to come over for a while.

My place is a mess, I can't ever get ahead on the chores and stuff and I hate having to make food for myself and my toddler. My toddler wrecks everything and I cant ge thim to stop! I cant get him to stop doing anything...

I dont know what to do...

 

[L.J.]

I didn't want to read and not reply.
Hugs to you. It sounds like a very difficult time for all of you. I don't have any specific info about PPD, but check out the thread on PPD, I'm sure they can offer some specific help. I think if you figure out something for the PPD, it may help ease more pressure.

Having a newborn, a toddler and a move is all a lot of stress. Do you have some friends or family that might be able to help? Is there someone who could take your toddler for a little playdate or something, or even an older kid in the neighborhood who could help entertain your little one while you rest or unpack? I can imagine how overwhelmed you are feeling right now and wish I could come over and help you.

It is stressful and difficult having a newborn and a toddler. I know I got upset with my toddler so many times just because I was so sleep deprived and overloaded.

Be gentle with yourself. Do as much as you can without feeling overloaded and try to rest as much as you can too. I moved when my little one was 3 months and it took me over a year to completely unpack. Start with necessities and get to the rest as you get more sleep and things get easier.

I wish I could offer more. Find whatever support you can and know you are doing the very best job you can. Everything will be okay.

 

[toepea]

I also have not dealt with ppd.

My mantra when I start to feel on the brink of jumping is to remind myself that I can only do one thing at a time AND whatever it is that I am doing is that one thing, and obviously it is important at that moment.

Take care of you and your babies and let the rest happen when it happens.

 

[Raynbow]

Zoloft!

Also, anyone near enough to give you a break? You need one. Even if it is just to take a nice, long, hot bath with NO interruptions.

*hugs*

 

[Ruthla]

I remember having a toddler and a newborn and PPD and a new house and a marriage that was falling apart. My second pg was also an unwelcome surprise, and it took a lot of getting used to. We moved about a month before Hannah was born, and we didn't have a fenced in backyard either. We were on a quiet street and had a couple of 10/11yo neighbor girls (one next door, one across the street) who loved playing with Leah- I was able to get some mini-breaks from the toddler while a big girl or two played with her.

Quite honestly, I don't know how I survived those first few months with 2 babies- it's all a blur to me now. I'm sure I wasn't the best mother I could have been, and I think I'm still making up for it with Hannah. She's a lot more clingy and less independent than Leah was at her age.

You've got a lifetime with your children- any unmet needs won't go away, and you'll have another chance to fill those needs when you're in a stronger place. Right now, just focus on the basics- getting food on the table, getting the table and dishes clean enough to eat off of, and doing enough laundry so that you're not all wearing clothes covered in 3 day old vomit or pee. Wearing clothes covered in 1 hour old baby vomit is acceptable

Don't be too hard on yourself over any "things"- I switched from cloth to disposable diapers when I became a single mom- the extra laundry was just too much for me at the time. I also used a lot of paper plates for a while.

Definitely talk to your dr about an antidepressant- drugs don't "fix" anything, but they can help you get over the hump so you can take care of yourself and work on healing. Taking a good vitamin and an EFA supplement (such as fish oil) can also help, especially if you're too busy to eat well. Keeping "meal replacements" such as slim fast shakes/bars, Ensure, or Luna Bars on hand can help keep your blood sugar stable and some basic nutrition in you when you're too busy and depressed for "real meals."

Take care of yourself!!!

 

[wendyland]

I've really been feeling like that, too. I feel like a wreck and I can't keep my bank account above 0!!!

Anyway, this is about you. Do you have family or friends that can take over for a couple hours? I know I hate to burden people, but you owe it to the kids to have a sane mama. Do something you love or just sit in a quiet room and stare at the ceiling. A good silly comedy always makes me feel better.

-Wendy

 

[stashalou]

Hi - you've gotten a lot of great suggestions already but I just wanted to say hang in there! I agree that if you get help with the ppd the rest of these issues will be more mangeable. Good luck!

Stashalou

 

[eamama]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I really don't know what to say, though I do remember being in a similar situation...except my ex was with living with us.

Taking care of his kid (from another relationship) and ours. Cleaning, taking care of eeeverything because he was too f-ing lazy or sick in the head. Working from home 20 hours per week, only two weeks after ds was born. Running out of money due to my ex's stupidity.

He became very verbally abusive. Neither of us could handle his child.

I remember feeling so desperate, like how did I get to that place in my life? What did I do? I loved him, had his child, and ended up living in a sort of hell.

Please nym, reach out. Call someone. Go see a service agency. You live in a very pricey province, and it has been particularly cruel to the poor and women in recent years.

Would you move out of province? Quebec is very good for women...affordable daycare and affordable education. I improved my situation greatly by living there for four years.

Take good care of you and your kids.

Hugs.

 

[mamajama]

Oh Nym,
It's so hard what you're going through. Remember that it is something you are going through and you will reach the other side.
Your kids are sooo young which is overwhelming anyway without all the extras...moving, dealing with the ex., etc.

I'm assuming you don't have much help from anyone other than the bit of help from the ex. Which, if your experience is anything like mine, is almost not worth the cost of the emotional drain.
There are a couple of things that came to mind when reading your post. Admittedly, I don't have much time right now as the kids are still up but I'll respond with my initial thoughts.
Sit and write a list of things that are bothering you that you would like to get done. Set some small goals for yourself including a time when you want to accomplish them. Maybe an idea would be to unpack one box each day. Or focus on one room at a time. Getting your house in order will most assuredly give you some peace of mind.
Do one tiny nice thing JUST FOR YOU each day. This could be as simple as giving yourself a little pep talk when you first wake up in the morning, or burning a special essential oil.
You know, I can really relate to the feeling of just wanting to run away. The thing is, life will give you more and more freedom, as you progress through this very difficult time. When you feel more free, you will also feel prepared to handle the freedom.
My kids are now 2 and 5 years old, and I have to say that when I look back to when my 2yr old was born, I am AMAZED at how much I have healed and grown and changed. I could barely leave the house back then. Taking the garbage out was like climbing a mountain. I didn't know if I would ever laugh again. Reaching out for help is absolutely essential at a time like this. Trust your strenghth. It may not feel like it's there but it is.
It's like lifting weights. You gain the most muscle at the point when you feel like you can't do another lift, when you feel the weakest. You are a strong woman because you are able to lift all this weight right now. You will come out an AMAZON at the end!! You're doing it Mama.
PS...buy food from the freezer section and a ton of toddler snacks. Buy the both of you some vitamins.

 

[mamajama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla You've got a lifetime with your children- any unmet needs won't go away, and you'll have another chance to fill those needs when you're in a stronger place.

Just had to add that someone said this to me once and it really helped a lot. Taking whatever time you can now to help lift your own spirits, for the purposes of making yourself and your children a healthy, happy life, is positive and you need as much support in doing that as you can find.

 

[AngelBee]

 

[mamajama]

Sorry, one more thing. Are you and your ex having any conflict situations in front of the toddler? It can really stress out a child when they see their parents fight. Also, havig a new sib. and moving is undoubtedly adding to the stress. Hitting and destructiveness is normal behaviour for that age so I wouldn't want to read into it too much. Myself, I do time-out type things when my toddler does this. I don't know that it's part of the AP philosophy, but I haven't been able to find an acceptable alternative and I have no tollerance for violence in the house. I put him on the stairs and sit there with him until he chooses to act in a gentler way.....or in his room if he's fighting sitting on the stairs.

 

[mamajama]

Nym, I've been thinking of you. How's it going?

 

[L.J.]

I've been thinking about you too and hope everything is a little better.

 

[Raynbow]

Also - with nursing, make sure you get your Vitamin B and folic acid levels tested - them being low can cause depression (and nursing can deplete both of these - I had this and after a few weeks of supplemental Vit B and FA, I felt sooooo much better!)

 

[nym]

Well it is sucking actually. On thursday the ex and I had a talk (some background .. we have been together for 5 years, married for 4, I left in January and moved here because I couldnt deal with a new pregnancy that I didnt want, living in a horrible little oil and gas town and being his emotional dumping ground when he finally came home from work.. things were good while I was gone, he visited, we talked on the phone each night.. he moved here right before my babe was boirn and stayed with me for 3 weeks, things were really good then, but he found a job and moved into his own place and things fell apart again.. mucho stress.. resentment on his part for helping us out in the evening and stuff..)
and he told me that he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me and he is just around becuase of the kids.. he is tired of me asking him to do things for us (drive us to the grocery store, do something as a family etc) and etc.

I asked him to leave and I havent talked to him since.

So, I have really not being doing good. Yesterday all I did was yell at my toddler, over and over it seemed. I just wanted 5 minutes by myself to connect, to deal with my heart and emotions and I couldn't even get that. He wouldnt go to bed, the baby was screaming, I just lost it and closed the door on both of them and walked around pulling my hair out and swearing.
Today I am making an effort. We have a borthday party to go to, so at least my toddler will have something to wear him out at.

Me, I just want to hide with a big bottle of something! I have to go pawn some jewelry tomorrow to buy some food and diapers.. I've never done it before, I hope its not too hard.. emotionally

(Wow, I just realized the connection to his work and his shitty attitude.. hrmm)

 

[L.J.]

Nym

I am so sorry that things are going better. Hang in there and find and use whatever support you can to get through this. I know I yelled at my toddler a few times and seemed like I was constantly saying no to him in that first year after my second was born. We all got through it and I did the best I could.
I hope this week is a bit better for all of you.

 

[mamajama]

I remember that too. Especially during the hardest times, my stresses in my personal life negatively affecting my parenting abilities. It still happens sometimes. Then we feel guilty, which adds to the stress and it becomes a cycle. I think it's important to work on that as much as possible. It also helps to talk to your child and tell them that you are aware that you've been yelling a lot and you are working on finding ways not to do that anymore. That way, at least you are confirming to them that it is your responsibility, not theirs and you will take responsibility for working to stop it.
It's very, very difficult but it can be done. Don't be too hard on yourself, Nym, for that does nothing but add to your stress. You are getting through a very challenging period of transition, here and you and your kids will come out shining.
Do you have anyone to talk to, like a counsellor or doctor, or religious mentor? I think that could really help. Also, check out Bridges For Women. It is billed as an employment program but that is just a small part of it. They call it that in order to receive funding (that's how they got away without losing their funding with all Campbells cuts.) I took the course and this year they are offering their courses online. They really helped me get over a major part of my hurdle. Keep checking in with us ok?

 

[Jilian]

's to you mama. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I wish there were something I could do to help. I'd definately reccomend talking to your midwife/OB about the PPD because that doesn't just go away on it's own. In reguards to the oversupply/big letdown (I had the same problem when DS was a baby) try laying back as much as possible when you first start nursing. I used to prop myself up against my headboard of my bed with pillows to the point where I was almost laying down. That helped A LOT. I'm convinced it saved my son from drowning :LOL

Dealing with a toddler and a new baby must be really really hard. I'm dealing with lots of toddler issues right now without the newborn. I can only imagine what strength you have to deal with all of the issues plus a seperation. Hang in there mama, it can only get better.

Try to take some time for yourself if you can. Even if it's only a 10 minute bath, or a cup of coffee, or even a short walk without the kids.

Please keep us updated, we're here if you need us

 

[corysmilk]

Your story sounds very much like my story. I won't bore you with all the details. But my PPD was so severe I ended up really hurting my child. (I do not rember this) I lost alot of repect for myself and my ablity to care for either of my kids. PLEASE PLEASE get some help from a Dr!! DO NOT wait untill it is too late. I did!! I don't want you or any other mom to go through what I did.

disclamier
Please do not judge me. I am on medication now and I have gotton alot of help in past 6 years
thanks

Is there anyone who can help you? Do you attend LLL meetings? Are there any moms in your "tribe" here on mothering that would be willing to take the kids to the local park and let you have a break?

I hope things get better for you. toddlers are hard.

I understand