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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm interested in hearing stories from people who chose to have someone other than their husband or partners at the birth. I don't mean doulas, I mean another friend or relative who you felt would be more supportive.<br><br>
My husband was less than helpful during my first labor and wasn't in the OR for my c-section. He is freaked out by hospitals, by the sight of me in pain, and by the idea of surgery. He says he is willing to be in the OR for my repeat section, if I insist, but he would rather not.<br><br>
I'm thinking of asking my mom to be with me instead. My husband thinks that's fine. I feel like it's weird for him not to be one of the first people to see his baby, but honestly neither one of us is a "bond instantly with the newborn" type and I don't think it matters in the long run. It took him a few months to develop a relationship with our son, and I expect it will take a while with the next one too.<br><br>
I really want someone I trust to be there, since it's going to be a repeat section and I won't be able to see what's going on, especially if they take the baby away. (With my son, they thought he might have aspirated meconium, and they whisked him away before I could even see him.)<br><br>
Any thoughts?
 

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I had DH and my mother at my first hospital birth. Which was interesting. They hate each other. Luckily, they pulled together and both of them were a tremendous help.<br><br>
This time around, we're having a homebirth. I've invited literally half the family. My MIL, younger SIL, my sister, my aunt, and BIL's wife. We're moving the couch into the bathroom (my favorite room of the house), having trays of food ready and making almost a party out of it. These are people I feel comfortable around, who I'm very close with, and want with me.<br><br>
Personally, I loved having my mom with me during my first birth. DH was great, better than expected, but my mom had been down that road before, not to mention has known me a heck of a lot longer than DH. I can't imagine what it would have been like without her there...
 

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I don't know what I would do in a "choice" situation - my mum & DH were both there for both births (including c/s) and my best friend was also at my ds's (home) birth. I admire that you are thinking about this so rationally - if my dh were like that I'd be desparately upset. bt I think in your situation, I'd want my mum. If the hosp would allow both, I'd "make" DH be there, if only because he bears a good half of the resposibility for the situation - you didn't get pg by yourself, after all, and if you have to go through surgery to have the baby IMO he bloody well ought to bite his tongue and be what you need him to be, even if it means "acting." But if you have to choose between them... I'd go for my mum.<br><br>
sorry to come on so strong. This sort of situation w/ DH's really pushes buttons with me... sort of like he's buggering off as soon as the going gets less than perfect. Mine was great at the births but REALLY SUCKED as postpartum, especially the first time. I don't think there's any excuse for them behaving like children when we (the mamas) don't have any such option. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Robinna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7344038"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If the hosp would allow both, I'd "make" DH be there, if only because he bears a good half of the resposibility for the situation - you didn't get pg by yourself, after all, and if you have to go through surgery to have the baby IMO he bloody well ought to bite his tongue and be what you need him to be, even if it means "acting." But if you have to choose between them... I'd go for my mum.</div>
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This was sort of my attitude last time, but I found out that he just really no good at being useful in that sort of situation, even if he tries. So I'm thinking, this time, why bother planning on being able to depend on him? I *know* he will be unhelpful. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> I'd like to make him more helpful, but I'd have to have married someone else, I think.<br><br>
Honestly, if I could have two people there, I think my second choice would be my MIL. That would be kind of cool, having both grandmas. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> But I think they might only allow one person in the OR.
 

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Yeah you're probably right, most places will only allow one non-professional support person into the OR.<br><br>
I think you're in a good space attitude-wise. I think you've got to do what will work for you and if you're going end up spending time worrying about him and his reactions at all or end up feeling "alone" then you're way better off with somebody else. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Robinna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7345369"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yeah you're probably right, most places will only allow one non-professional support person into the OR.</div>
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I don't know why that is, either; because usually, for a c-sec, you want/need MORE support than in a typical birth... I know I would... I'd want everyone I ever met in there with me.
 

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My father never saw the births of any of his children. When I was born He walked in saw my mother in pain, turned a sickly shade of pale and walked out again. This was back in the day when they only allowed 1 person in and since he had been in, my mother was out of luck. No one else was allowed in for the rest of the labor. Which ticked her off to no end. She didn't make that mistake twice. She took friends with her or one of her sisters for subsequent births. My father bonds just fine once the kids are home but he totally can't deal with birth. He can't even stand the sight of his own blood let alone someone elses. I was with my mother for 2 of her births and my dad sat in the waiting room. OMG was that man nervous. I have never in my life seen him nervous except while my mother was in labor. I can totally see how useless he would be actually in the room - probably passed out on the floor!<br><br>
If it were me I would ask one of my friends just cause my mother annoys me. You could always hire a doula too if you are unsure.
 

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For my first (emergancy c/s) i knew DH wouldnt be able to handle it. He passed out a couple of times before the birth, once at anti natal classes when they were talking about c/s and once after the midwife had gone through what would happen during the c/s. So i asked my Mum to come with me. She was so good and helpful and got the first cuddle of her first grandchild. For birth #2 i made DH be there as i had no one else, my Mum lives 3hrs away and wasnt there yet. He was queezy with the epi but worse when they said we were off to the operating theate, in the end had a VBAC on the table which he was grateful of. Third wonderful homebirth with DH soooo supportive he surprised me! Had my Mum and MIL around also but they kept out of the way most of the time drinking cups of tea lol.<br><br>
Whoever you feel the most comfortable with and can handle the situation is the best person, if they are relaxed then you will be relaxed.
 

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Some hospitals are weird about who they will let in the OR during a c/s. Just to cover yourself, I would check to see if they will allow anyone other than the baby's father in there with you. I know it's ridiculous, but hospitals have a reputation...
 

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If you think you might need an advocate, I'm not sure anyone other than your DH is legally able to advocate for you-- might want to check on that.
 
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