Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
472 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
ok mammas..I have beem lurking for 3 months now...my stbx left me and our 3 kids Jan 4th..a 4 year old...a 1 year old and at that time a 1 month old...so he visited a few times in those months but now he is comming around more often....only for about 1 hr or so...but while here he looks through my cabinets...closet, etc. he recently asked me out for dinner....I said no that we are not a couple and I didnt want to act like one...he proceeded to say our basement was nasty and vaccume it and sweep our poarch...he was belittling and demeaning...he was very rude and controlling while on that visit..then said to our 3 year old..daddy will spend the night one of these nights with you and read stories andplay etc...no way in hell.....this sob left because, we didnt sleep in samee bed...I have the 3 with me.....he complained about never having sex, and that I never let him go out.....so I had him go to counsiling....he said nothing and at end said it wasnt worth it and he wouldnt be fing back...never came back home...I later found he went to a sex/dating site and put up adds to find women a year ago and was on it 3 days after our son was born...I HATE HIM...he just drops in at a hours notice and if I say so...he says OH SO YOU WONT LET ME SEE MY KIDS....I hate him....I need boundaries, he was never ainvolved dad and 2 weeks ago tried to take 4 year old to a movie she laste 25 min with him and cried to come back to me...he has never read to them or done anything but watch movies and throw them around......tell me how to get boundaries set up so I dont feel violated everytime he comes to visit kids...and since nothing has been court orderred yet..how often do I need to let him see them....hes fighting for everyother weekend...so what do I do....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,283 Posts
I haven't been threw this. I left my dd's Dad while I<br>
was still pregnant. I couldn't read your post and not<br>
give you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
You need to get a lawyer. Start making calls ASAP.<br><br>
You will gain strength in the coming months. Stop<br>
lurking and start venting here. Any feeling you want<br>
to express is okay here.<br><br>
The other Mama's will have great advice for you soon.<br><br>
Stay Strong!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,795 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
472 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thanks mamma, I have a lawyer..hubbie didnt want me to get one...he got pissed, he wanted me to just sign the wavers his lawyer drew up..now mine wants to do hearings...he doesnt know that yet...he was just expecting my to be ok with his half of everything shit...well..now I am terrified about courts..and visits..and stuff...but as for now he is still paying all bills including my rent..but not groceries he was but we got food stamps now...he is living with his parents...he is 25 i am 30 he is very immature...so i know I have a long road ahead.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
172 Posts
Peace be with you PeacefulMom, and stay strong! Have you thought of changing the locks? If he makes you feel uneasy at all, I mean <i>at all</i>, you may want to consider waiting for the court dates before letting him visit your children. Just a thought. I have not been in the same situation. But I also want to give you a big hug!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,925 Posts
Another mama was recently having a problem with unplanned visits disrupting her life. Do you know what his schedule is generally? Perhaps if you set up a schedule, and say that the children need regular visits to get used to him and also that you need predictibility for your planning, then you will be on more solid ground. I'd hesitate to end visits completely as that could make you appear unreasonable later and the courts will often discount what you say completely. But if you write out a step-up plan (shorter visits leading to longer visits over time) and start trying to implement it, then you will actually look good towards the courts.<br><br>
Is he having visits at your house because the kids are young? Is there any way you can limit the area he is allowed in, have someone else there, or set up some rules? Tell him that he's there to visit the kids, not do anything house related or interact with you. I know it's so tough, especially if it's still cold where you are so that he can't take them to parks or outside.<br><br>
Finally, big <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> for having to deal with such a jerk! I can't believe these selfish men who walk out on their families and use sex as an excuse. It's just crazy. Mine was the same way (and my dad...). I wish there was a way the courts would take it into account, but unfortunately there isn't in most cases.<br><br>
I hope that things get better on the soon side!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,962 Posts
I agree that it's time to set boundaries. I'd start by setting up a schedule like Jster suggested. Tell him he can pick the days and times if he likes, but it needs to be the same every week. Kids do need routine and consistency and the courts will back you up on that.<br><br>
It is tricky with a young babe. I know my ex visited in our house for at least a year or two because of nursing and the age of our baby. But as they got older, they started having their visits somewhere else and it was soooooo much better. Perhaps he could even take the older ones out every now and then so he's not always in your house.<br><br>
I agree too that it would be good to tell him that he is there only for the kids and anything else is unacceptable. Perhaps you could invite a friend over at that time too so he wouldn't be as tempted to insult you in front of the other person.<br><br>
It is important though, when setting your boundaries, that you stick to them. Tell him if he comes and starts crossing the line he will have to leave. Make sure that if he tests you on this, you ask him to leave and make sure he goes.<br><br>
It is tough to be around them when we don't want to be. I hope you find something that works better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was lucky that I got the kids & I to another state before mine could file anything and start pulling this b.s. Before I left, I did a consult with a lawyer and was told that the fact that he did not participate in their care AT ALL was very much in my favor, so that might be the tack you need your lawyer to take. I would push, very nicely, for 3rd party supervised visitation (so that he doesn't have to be in your home) and counseling/parenting classes. The key is to make sure you don't come off as vindictive, but that you very much want him in the childrens' lives, once he has learned the appropriate parenting skills. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> I think I would also say something along the lines of not being comfortable alone with him in your home because of his "advances" and that a neutral location would probably be best in order for him to understand the boundaries that he CHOSE by leaving.<br><br>
And I would definitely change the locks. If he flips out about it, I would use that to get a protective order. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,040 Posts
I agree with what everyone has said, set some boundaries and stick to them. Of course he doesn't want you to get a lawyer, because then he'll have to abide by the law. You are smart to get a lawyer of your own, certainly do not sign anything without letting your own lawyer look it over first. It sounds like your ex is suffering from "I want to have my cake and eat it too-itis" He should not just be able to show up at your house whenever he feels like it to have a visit, nor should he be going through your stuff. Sit him down and have a little chat with him about what it means to no longer be in a relationship. Let him know that he no longer has the right to do these things, it is a violation of your space and a way for him to still feel in control. Let him know it is NOT acceptable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
<b>YOU MUST ABSOLUTELY GET YOUR OWN LAWYER.</b><br><br>
Sorry I don't mean to yell but it is *that* critical. And preferably get one who is well-versed in abuse issues (he does not have to have physically assaulted you to have been abusive).<br><br>
As those above me have said...one way to establish boundaries NOW is to set up a visitation schedule. And, it has to be reasonable and work for your kids, first and foremost. If it doesn't make sense for him to come by mid-morning or mid-afternoon when your youngest is likely to be napping- then don't let him. Children need regularity and routine, especially at a time that the rest of their world is in chaos.<br><br>
And don't let his "you're not letting me see my kids?" tirades get to you. That is utter bull and he knows it. He's just trying to manipulate you.<br><br>
Keep posting, don't just lurk. You'll get through this, hon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,848 Posts
Is his name on the lease/deed of your home? If it is, then it IS still his, he has a right to be there, and changing the locks would just mean he could call the cops and have them enforce his right to enter. Are you in a common property state? If so, then your stuff is his stuff too. You need to work stuff out with your lawyer as quickly as you can. It's nice of him to still be paying the bills, but as long as his name is on them, he has the power to do things like cancel your utilities. Whether or not it is legal for him to do so, it's just a matter of a phone call.<br><br>
As long as there is no legal agreement, how much to let him see the kids is up to you. I think it's great that you're not cutting him off from seeing them--until you have the court involved, his paying the bills is just as voluntary as you allowing visitation, and if he's acting really immature he could retaliate for not seeing the kids by not paying the bills. Maybe instead of him coming over, you prearrange visits at his parents' house (that way they get to see their grandparents, too, and have more responsible parties than your DH looking after them), with or without you there, or on neutral ground such as at a park so that you can directly supervise visits yourself.<br><br>
And make it clear to your lawyer that you don't think it's in the kids' best interests to have overnights with their dad, even at his parents' house, and exactly why (esp. if you have nurslings, etc.).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
385 Posts
I am so sorry! My stbx was/is just like that with our DD but we worked it out legally so he has to have supervised visitation.<br><br>
I hope it works out for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ravin</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is his name on the lease/deed of your home? If it is, then it IS still his, he has a right to be there, and changing the locks would just mean he could call the cops and have them enforce his right to enter. Are you in a common property state? If so, then your stuff is his stuff too.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Legally speaking, I would have to take your word on this b/c I never checked into it myself. Emotionally speaking, though, this is definitely a control issue. Going through the cupboards is akin to a dog peeing on your tire to mark his turf. The intent was to make her feel subordinate. I would absolutely still go forward with changing the locks and let the chips fall where they may. Chances are, the financial support would wane anyways, especially once he realizes that she's not interested in dating again.<br><br>
I hate to make generalizations, but it seems that men like this totally do not anticipate the wife taking assertive steps to distance themselves. That's probably why he got so mad about her getting a lawyer - he totally didn't see that coming. Probably felt that, since he's paying all the bills, he holds all the cards and can do whatever the h*** he wants. grrrrrr
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
11,133 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>peacefulmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">he complained about never having sex, and that I never let him go out.....so I had him go to counsiling....</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't understand how counseling/therapy would help with those issues. The solution to the "never having sex" would be to show him his three children as absolute proof that he at least had sex three times. You know,saying 'never' is just being dishonest. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
As for the "going out" part, tell him to take his kids to the park or zoo. Then he's getting double what he wants, ie-time with his kids and getting to "go out".<br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>peacefulmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I HATE HIM....I hate him....</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I am guessing/hoping that you really don't hate him. He is the father of your children. I guess I am trying to say, is that even if you are not a couple, you are both parents and need and deserve to be respected and trusted, kwim?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>peacefulmom</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I need boundaries ....hes fighting for everyother weekend...so what do I do....</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Let him have them. I don't know the whole story, but it doesn't sound like he is an abusive father or that your children would be in danger. So what if he's not the dad you want, he is the dad your children have and they deserve to develop their own thoughts and feelings about him.<br><br>
For all you know at this point in time, there might be the perfect step-father in the future, kwim? The more loving, caring adults in your children's lives, the better chance they will have of succeeding in achieiving their dreams.<br>
Like, what if you are sick or broke, but your dd needs to be picked up from her friends house or something, she would then have three other adults to call for help.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
472 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I am afraid...he really has never been with them. I am afraid to allow him or watch him leave with them alone.....He is so absent minded and I worry he would lose one..seriopusly, he doenst pay attention...as for his parents house for visits I dont trust them eighter...they smoke in front and around kids and say its thrie house their rules so they dont change that..and they are verbally harsh and mean and believe belittling and yelling is only way to teach kids.....whatever they suck...do i hate him really no...i am very hurt and afraid.....and the kids really dont know him<br><br>
i am so afraid of the future as visits go.....i cant imaginer watching them go out the door with him as untrustworthy and immature as he is....<br><br><br><br>
im just worried....<br><br>
his name is no longer on the lease...we had a new one done for state support
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
167 Posts
Trust your instincts mama. I know it can sometimes seem ridiculous and that you're overreacting (about whether they could actually lose a child, or let them be harmed), but I know *exactly* how you feel. There were several incidents before and after mine left that left me seriously concerned about his ability to provide basic care.<br><br>
If you are afraid, you probably have good reason to be. With parents like his, even if he does not exhibit the same behaviors yet, he will likely be influenced by them - especially in the case of unsupervised visits in which your influence as the mother is absent.<br><br>
I think we should always err on the side of caution in protecting our kids' emotional and physical well-being.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,101 Posts
Peacefulmom, I am a VERY similar situation! And I do hate him, as well. He's given me every reason to. His name is not on my lease, but though we haven't yet gone to court he gives me money, etc (it's about CONTROL). Yet, he is irresponsible, is emotionally/verbally abusive....not someone I trust with my child. Period. So I let him visit here so I can "supervise" (we have no relatives around at all).....and just two days ago he was looking through MY closet after I told him not to. It was just him showing aggression and disrespect. I do not want him here, but even less do I want to send my child off with a creep like that. Yet am afraid going to court would just produce the standard visitation/overnights....and there is just no way.<br><br>
So thus I have tiptoed...and what's odd is despite all his complaining, after 3.5 years of these "supervised" visits that he claims to hate, he has never taken ME to court. And he makes over $120k a year, so he has the money. Actually tomorrow I am meeting with a new lawyer that I met through our local Women's Resource Center....if she gives any helpful info I'll be sure to post it here.<br><br>
I just want to say, I am on the very same page. Hugs!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
472 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
wow misslotus.....that sounds exactly like my situation...oh I am so sorry for you too....good luck with your meeting and please let me know what they say to..and If you dont feel comfortable you can alway pm me too.....thanksto all of you mammas......I find strength from you all
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
I got myself through those very difficult times of having my gut instinct tell me one thing and my 'don't rock the boat' persona contrast each other. I affirmed and reaffirmed and reaffirmed to myself - 'better safe than sorry'.<br><br>
When it came to the safety of our kids - I was not taking chances. I held my ground and I held tight.<br><br>
You will get through this. Be strong and smart.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,512 Posts
If you don't trust him to be alone with the kids, and don't want him at your house, why not meet him somewhere? Like the park or something like that? I'm sorry you're having to go through this!<br><br>
Oh, and if his name is not on the lease, change the locks. Absolutely. And, I wouldn't answer the door if it's inconvenient for you or if it's not during a scheduled visiting time. I'd make it clear that until an official schedule is drawn up, he needs to make plans with you before just showing up. Period. He decided to leave, this is a consequence.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Top