He blew off counceling to ride his bike!!!

1340 Views 39 Replies 18 Participants Last post by damongeau, Jul 16, 2004

damongeau

Discussion Starter · Jun 16, 2004

2

DH and I are in counceling (what with all the challenges of trying to get to know each other) and he compleatly blew off his appointment! We are supposed to see her seperatly for a while and then come in together. He was upset that I didnt "keep track" of when his appointment was (what am I his mother??) and he was mad at the counceler because he didnt call to reschedual so she called him and he said she "tried to make me feel guilty about going for a bike ride, and she has no business doing that" No she made you feel guilty about putting the damn bike before your marriage!!!

So to make a long story short I am sleeping on the couch, he is still on his bike 4+ hours a day, and when hes around me all he wants to do is cuddle up and kiss and try to convince me to have sex with him. He does nothing with the kids except play with them, read them books and tuck them in, all unpleasent parenting tasks are left to me. He will not do laundry, or even put away his own clothes after I fold them for him (although he will gripe if I dont fold his shirts the way he likes). He does nothing around the house, we have nothing resembeling a partnership at this point, and all I want is for him to grow up! I cant lean on him because he cant even take care of himself!!! Ok I am done venting for the moment. i am trying to remember that I cant change him, i just have to find ways to deal. Or move out. One or the other

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allgirls

· #2 · Jun 17, 2004

when I read the title of this post I thought you were talking about a child...and then I read it and realised you were talking about your husband...that has to show how immature it sounds...for him to do that...irresponsible...but you can't make someone grow up...

I hope things get resolved soon and your husband comes around

(((HUGS))))

Momma Aimee

· #3 · Jun 17, 2004

6

I am sorry.

I'd suggest therpy --

Really I am not sure what to suggest. I am a new wife -- maybe someone else will come along with advice.

Aimee

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CerridwenLorelei

· #4 · Jun 17, 2004

you are dealing with this
and MPO is hooray for the counselor making him feel guilty! GRR
can you make a list of the pros and cons of staying and another of leaving?
Are there any other women from your unit that you could talk to and see if they may be dealing with some of these same issues? In the meantime can you just

him?? JK

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LLLKerry

· #5 · Jun 17, 2004

There are so many things that crossed my mind when I read this, obviously I feel sorry for your situation. But when I read your signature and it mentioned that your husband is back from Iraq, I have to wonder if that plays a part in this at all. Presumably he has been in a harrowing space for some length of time, and that would naturally take its toll. Is this a very long-term problem or is it since he has returned? Also, when you mentioned that "all he does is play with the kids, read to them, and tuck them in" and that all the unpleasant tasks fall to you, I have to say that that is more than some husbands do. Especially if (and I don't know if this is the case) you are the primary stay-at-home parent and he works outside of the home 40+ hours a week...some husbands get the idea that since they earn the $ they shouldn't have to do much around the house. Maybe if you pointed out that you would have more time to "cuddle, etc" if he helped a lot more around the house?? That's one of the things that helped me get my husband to take it upon himself to do the dishes, vacuum, etc....then after I get the kids to sleep I am more available for him.

Anyway,
I think it is excellent that you are trying counseling, and it really is his responsibility to show up or change the appt, do you think he would relate any better to a male therapist instead, especially if your husband has a hand in choosing him?
Best of luck to you both, marraige and parenthood are so difficult when ther are major issues involved.

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Momma Aimee

· #6 · Jun 17, 2004

I too wonder if the "back from the war" thing might not be playing into it?

How well is he dealing with "reentry" to normal life in other aspects.

I wonder if counsleing is overwelming him right now -- with the war processing and so on, and back to normal life changes -- and so he "forgot it" cause it is so much to deal with?

Aimee

damongeau

Discussion Starter · #7 · Jun 17, 2004

Just to clarify, my DH is not the one back from Iraq, I am. Needless to say, I am sure that much of what we are dealing with has something to do with the fact that we were apart for a year and a half. I also know that I have my own issues to deal with, PTSD etc.

I think the major issue here is the fact that he doesnt feel the need to seek counceling, he says I am the one who needs to change, and rather than deal with the issues at hand he blows them off. His answer to everything is to go for a bike ride, and he thinks this only has to do with the fact that I do all the house stuff, so the only thing he wants to change is chores not communication

Momma Aimee

· #8 · Jun 17, 2004

ia m so sorry. I didn't realize it was YOU who were back. way to go Moma!!

Maybe if you continue to work with the therpist....maybe the therpist can help you work with him?

Aimee

damongeau

Discussion Starter · #9 · Jun 17, 2004

our counceler suggested that I go visit my mother for a week, with the kids. Not leaving him, just a mini vacation to let us both try to get our s**t together. And to let him know that I am serious because he continues to insist that we are both happy, even after I have told him that I am not and he obviously isnt either

SmilesALot

· #10 · Jun 18, 2004

Hi damongeau

first , welcome back and i wish you a good transition back at home with your family.
I mistook like a few others that your dh was the one back from Iraq. You are one valiant mama!!

Best wishes and prayers for things to work out well for you!!

Peace & Love!

nicholas_mom

· #11 · Jun 18, 2004

4

Quote:

Just to clarify, my DH is not the one back from Iraq, I am.

First, welcome back!!!

I had to comment on this because it reminded of the sexist joke riddle about a child needed to have surgery but the surgeon could not operate on the boy. How is the doctor related? and everybody says......"He's the father" NO...the answer really is She's his Mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must admit, I also thought your husband just got back

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JesseMomme

· #12 · Jun 20, 2004

5

me too

: And what's worse for me is that I knew I had read elsewhere that you, wonderful woman, had come back from Iraq, not the other way around. Double

Nicholasmom that joke is so right on.

I wish I had something to offer but I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, please keep us updated

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damongeau

Discussion Starter · #13 · Jun 23, 2004

Well I am back at home. I hate to admit it, but i really didnt want to come back. I felt alot better when I was at my moms.

anyway, I am going to have my own bedroom here for a while. I told him that was what I needed and he is ok with that. I just feel so....flat....towards him that i dont know what to do...I just dont want to be around him at all. Scares the heck out of me that I feel like this!

CerridwenLorelei

· #14 · Jun 23, 2004

at mom's?

Glad you enjoyed your time away...

damongeau

Discussion Starter · #15 · Jun 23, 2004

I liked it. I really liked being with just them (scary hu?) I dont know...I feel so detatched from my husband, and I am not sure I have the energy to work so hard at trying to get it back! I have been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression myself so it is hard trying to deal with his issues (abuse as a child etc) when I am falling apart at the seams! I know it is because of his childhood stuff, but what do you do when everytime you argue he hides in the closet and sucks his thumb (literally)!!! I mean, this sets off some major alarm bells for me, there is something not right there, but how do I deal with that when I am having panic attacks left and right?? yeah we are a psycologists dream come true right now (or worst nightmare one or the other!)

DaednuSO

· #16 · Jun 24, 2004

RE: "In the meantime can you just him?? JK"

I wonder how fast I'd be excoriated (and rightfully so) if I suggested smacking around a wife who wasn't behaving as some dude wished, regardless of the circumstances.

Even if I did put J/K after it.

I'll bet you think Hallmark cards with captions like "How do you stop a man from whining?" (on the inside) "Push down harder on the pillow" are a laugh riot too. oh, tee hee hee.

Alenushka

· #17 · Jun 24, 2004

10 year ago my Dh complained that I ruined his short somehow.....he no longer ocmplains to me...beauce he si the only one who does his laundry
a grown man should take care of the luandry
and I do not care what other DH's do or not.....my will bath the kids, pcik them up and cook dinner. What kind of sexuse is it? should we wall be happy because at least our DH's do not beat us?
as far as being back. My Dh use dto travle a lots for business I notice patter or argument when we came back
The person whos taye dhome wanted to do pleant thing with kids and get out
the person who came home wanted to be taken care of at home
The only way out of it is to talk about it and figure out how toa ccomadete each other

Marsupialmom

· #18 · Jun 24, 2004

As frustrated as you are please understand you are not the only one in this boat. You can have a hard time adjusting being home and so can the spouse. I would not doubt he is dealing with depression. Have you looked into any military spouse sites? To take a look at the other side of the coin? My step-mom had similar issues when my dad returned from desert storm in late 91. This time it was a lot easier until my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. After diagnoses she says she went to the same place mentally that she did when he first got back.

Could he feel that since you have gotten home and "taken over" he cannot do anything right and given up? He is being that abused kid in the closet.

You can only fix yourself. You cannot change him only support him through any changes he wants to make.

CerridwenLorelei

· #19 · Jun 24, 2004

nt

Gemini

· #20 · Jun 24, 2004

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaednuSO
RE: "In the meantime can you just him?? JK"

I wonder how fast I'd be excoriated (and rightfully so) if I suggested smacking around a wife who wasn't behaving as some dude wished, regardless of the circumstances.

Even if I did put J/K after it.

I'll bet you think Hallmark cards with captions like "How do you stop a man from whining?" (on the inside) "Push down harder on the pillow" are a laugh riot too. oh, tee hee hee.

DaednuSO~we use the

smilie in jest a lot around here. I understand what you're saying but CL doesn't really want OP to beat her husband.

Back on topic. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine. Just wanted to send you some hugs to you and support.

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