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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Short version:<br><br>
Dh gave me 30 dollars, I spent 6 and dumped the rest of the money on the counter. The next day, 10 dollars was missing. We blew it off, figured we counted it wrong or got wrong change and put the rest of the money away. A few minutes later, I walked back into the kitchen and the 10 dollars is there on the table. Dh said, "Oh, cool, you found the money!" I said no. He went into dss (11 y o) and said, "Hey, you found the money!"<br><br>
Dss turned red and started stammering. "No, uh, I didn't, I mean, what money? There's money?"<br><br>
It's been 24 hours, dh is fuming and dss won't admit it. He flat out denies he ever touched/saw the money. It's crazy. I assumed he just found it on the floor or something, but his reaction is so extreme that I have to assume he was really trying to steal it.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
When his mom picked him up today for visitation, he got in the car and started crying and said, "They think I did something that I didn't do and I'm not going to confess to something I didn't do. . .." etc.<br>
HIs mom told me she was missing 50 dollars, then it turned up the next day. She assumed her toddler had it, but after this, it really makes us question things.<br><br>
He's always been a really easy kid, but I am starting to worry about his moral compass. He is sooooo afraid of getting in trouble that he would rather lie than tell the truth (not working too well this time). I'm afraid he is only "good" when he thinks he'll get in trouble if he doesn't. When no ones looking, I don't know.<br><br>
This whole situation is so sad. I know he at least put the money on the counter, I just don't understand why he continues to deny it.
 

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I know it's hard to think of when you have that gut feeling that he did it, but he could be telling the truth. Just tossing that out there...<br><br>
If he's lying it's because he's afraid and embarrased. I'd just go to him and tell him what you are thinking and why in a non-aggressive way.<br><br>
"We saw some money was missing, and then when it was back you had a reaction that confused us because you seemed nervous. If you want or need money we hope you will come talk to us about it, and if you've been dishonest or taken something we are here for you about that too. Always. But stealing and dishonesty can really strain a relationship. We want to be able to trust each other in our family."<br><br>
The more secure and safe he feels telling the truth and talking to you, the more likely he is to be honest, IMO.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>UnschoolnMa</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know it's hard to think of when you have that gut feeling that he did it, but he could be telling the truth. Just tossing that out there...<br><br>
If he's lying it's because he's afraid and embarrased. I'd just go to him and tell him what you are thinking and why in a non-aggressive way.<br></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt this time as you don't know what happened for sure... and forcing to admit that he tried to take the $$ might not be really beneficial to any of you. If, in the future, you know that he stole something, maybe just tell him that you know what happened and that you'd appreciate his honesty. Even if he denies what happened (which he very well may if he feels backed into a corner) you will have told him that you are aware what he did and he'll have to deal with the consequences, such as paying back stolen cash with his allowance, dealing with authorities if he tries shoplifting, your loss of trust in him... etc.<br><br>
Good luck... this must be a tough situation for all of you...
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I don't have any doubt he did it. There were only 3 people in the house-- dh and myself and him. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> . The thing is, it wasn't such a big deal for him to have the money, the bid deal was to deny it. His dad had a talk with him about how it is more important to be honest than to aviod getting in trouble and that once you lie to someone, they will always have some doubt in their minds. He admitted he did it (this is 3 days later).<br><br>
Though it has been a year or two, he has in the past denied he did things when there was only us in the house. One time I went in the bathroom and there was chapstick smeared all over the mirror (he was about 8). I laughed and said, "Dss, come clean this up." He got really defensive and flat out denied he did it, continued to deny it even though no one was in trouble and again, only dh, myself, and him at home!<br><br><br>
Maybe we have a poltergeist! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
He has always been really afraid of "getting in trouble", with parents or school, or any other adults.<br><br>
I am a middle school teacher and I have to re-learn every time that even the "good" kids, the ones I trust, do lie to adults. It sucks. I guess I did it, too.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Flor</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am a middle school teacher and I have to re-learn every time that even the "good" kids, the ones I trust, do lie to adults. It sucks. I guess I did it, too.</div>
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I hear you...and I would venture to say that it's a very human trait to lie.<br>
All of us have lied....to some degree at some point in our life. I'm not saying it's right or wrong....but<br>
It doesn't sound like you can force a confession out of him.<br>
Maybe what previous posters have said would be helpful...to explain that in your experience/assessment of the situation, you believe he is not telling the truth. And explain why it is important to be forthright.<br>
However, it has always seemed to me that punishing kids for lying probably teaches them to be more evasive more than honest <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ahappymel</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">However, it has always seemed to me that punishing kids for lying probably teaches them to be more evasive more than honest <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"></div>
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Agree with you there!
 
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