He Lied.

about the lying about smoking...I can say that I understand what it's like from his point of view. That is one thing I ever lied to DH about. And I did it because I was ashamed and felt like a failure. He caught me in it and we realized that he couldn't be involved in me trying to quit. I mean, as you said you aren't, he was certainly not being an evil tyrant. But he really wanted me to quit and told me that all the time. And that made me feel like he was the enemy. I know it's probably hard for someone to understand who hasn't had an addiction problem. Cigarettes take a powerful hold over you. It's hell trying to quit...I've tried and failed so many times. You end up feeling like smoking is part of your identity, so when you quit it's like you feel like you aren't yourself anymore. Blah...it's awful. I know you're hurt that he lied about that, but try to understand that smoking is a strong addiction.

Now...as for the porn lies...I, personally, would never put up with that. I wouldn't put up with DH looking at porn at all, much less lying about it. Which I guess is a double standard because he forgave me for lying about the smoking. But to me, porn is a whole different issue. I am really against it.

I'm thinking I'm not being very helpful here. : But maybe you could talk to DH about trying to keep the lines of communication open. DH and I wouldn't have the good relationship that we do if it weren't for our good communication. If your DH is looking at porn, there's some reason behind it. Same with feeling the need to hide his smoking from you. Encourage him to talk to you about his feelings. And you should, of course, do the same. You should both make it a point to communicate your feelings before it leads to things like what your DH did. Sorry if this isn't helpful...I'm tired. :

You're not over-reacting.

My dad lied to my mom for a long time when he started smoking again. She found cigarette butts in the toilet, and reamed out me and my sister for smoking. (We did smoke, but never in the house!) We were about 13 and 15. My dad sat back and let her yell at us and never said a word to indicate that he was the one who was actually sneaking into the bathroom to smoke.

I realize this is a step further along (allowing your kids to take the blame for your behaviour), but it shows just how much a lie can damage a relationship. I had this problem with my ex, too. He'd lie about anything that might upset me, even though anybody who knows me knows that the single easiest way to piss me off is to lie to me...about anything! There's no place in a marriage for untruths. And, the fact that he didn't fess up when you caught him out is a really bad sign - emotional manipulation by trying to make you the bad guy. He's not respecting you at all.

You've got a real problem. I wish I had advice on how to deal with it...both my marriage and my mom's ended in divorce. (But, the lies had reached a level that's beyond belief by the end.)

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Wow...you took the words right out of my mouth. About the smoking and the porn. made this post a short one.

Thanks for all the replies, At first I was apprehensive about posting, But I'm glad that I did.

I got out of the house a bit last night to think, came home and we talked about it.

lumi pretty much hit the nail right on the head about his feelings when they said this
"Lies aren't always malicious; often they're just from an insecurity and a fear of having people think less of you."
He didn't want to tell me because he was ashamed.

Storm Bride really described my feelings well too
"There's no place in a marriage for untruths. And, the fact that he didn't fess up when you caught him out is a really bad sign - emotional manipulation by trying to make you the bad guy. He's not respecting you at all."
But when I brough up feeling manipulated, He was really offended.

Just for clarification though, we quit smoking together a year ago, and have been smoke free until the last couple of weeks. So I think that this is well outside the "trying to quit" time period.

I don't really know if I understand more of what is going on now than yesterday. -sigh-
I'm just really confused.

Yeah. Marriage counselling here we come.

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Are you sure? When my DH supposedly quit and lied about quitting, I found out nearly a year later. Turns out he had been smoking 2-3 a day. He lied about quitting because he felt weak - especially since I quit in a week with a little problems (yeah - I was no fun to be around and gained a ton, but at least I wasn't smoking). When I found the porn (starting to wonder if we are married to the same guy), he obviously couldn't lie about it. He said he wouldn't look at it again, but really, I have no way of knowing and just have to trust him on that one. I think the key thing is lying when confronted, my DH is a horrible liar, I mean, he generally just can't pull it off. But I do know that I would terribly sad if I found out some awful secret he had been hiding and lying to me about - I really think it would shatter my world. He also did not understand why I was so upset - it wasn;t the smoking but the fact that he thought so little of me to admit he was having trouble, I wasn't about 'judging' him. Quitting is tough and I don't know if he will ever do it. Good luck, I hope you can get through this.

I found Dh SPIT CUP he had been using for chewing tobacco in the car the other day

I know that if you caught your child doing something wrong, the worse thing to do is ask a question you know the answer to "were you dippping?" Because you know the answer all you are doing is giving them a chance to lie and feel ashamed.

I just said :dont leave your [email protected]#$ spit cup in the car again ,its gross.

He knows I know. He knows I dont like it. His feelings are spared.

I think sometimes we forget to treat our dps with the same care and respect we give our dcs.

I have been lied to over MAJOR things because of dhs shame in admitting them. For most men, shame becomes defensive anger. For us, the key to avoiding a big display of hurt feelings was for me to simply say "I feel ---- when you do -----"

Not "why do you -----" or "dont do -----" or "were you ----" (when I know he was)

If you are going to live with someone your whole life, they are going to do things you dont like. It can be big like tobacco use, or little like overcooking the chicken, but it will happen. And when we spend so much of our time and energy on our dcs its very hard to take the time to figure out how to approach our dp with the same thought. But they deserve it.

Thank you all again for your replies, Posting here has really helped me deal with everything going on. You mamas rock!

Everything seems to be smoothing out well, We have been doing a lot of talking, and he seems to be really taking me seriously about this.
I feel like i'm going through a kind of wierd paranoid period right now that i'm trying to deal with. I find myself not really feeling comfortable letting him go out for fun by himself. I get too anxious wondering what he's doing :
I'm trying to get over this, mabye it will just take time?
He says that he will go to counseling with me if I want, but he also wants to go to counseling on his own too to deal with some of his confidence issues. I think thats really cool that he really seems to want to put forth some effort and work on this.
He is still smoking, but he's not lying to me about it.. And that was really the big deal there.

I again find myself agreeing with Storm Bride and beatgirl but am trying to let it go and not be angry about what happened even though i still just don't get it.

I'm so thankful for MDC.
beatgirl - cool! Do you knit or crochet? Mabye you could come to the MDC knitting group every tuesday and hang out with us!