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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
STBX wants to 'try to work things out'. I'm not so sure.

But he thinks that we should 'date' : he can come, hang out, spend time with E. and me. AND have sex. while he 'works out' his issues and we try things.

We would NOT be moving in together because I have a job as a live-in nanny for another single mamma.

To me, it looks like he gets all the 'perks' and still is able to go back to his cave, and live the life he likes (xbox, drinking--he says he's not going to get drunk anymore...ok whatever--) and then just see us when he wants AND he gets sex? while i do the full time care of e. and work and so on....laughup

so i say 'no sex' and he says he then has no incentive to 'try' to be a better person and he 'would have to' go get sex somewhere else (i don't care really) if I 'break up' with him. Hmmmmm....we're NOT together DUDE!

I myself would like to keep the peace, be friendly and if/when one day i feel that he has proven enough that he is 'changed' then I could potentially look at things again. He says 'what's the point of being friends. "what does a guy need a woman if there's no sex. --ok dude, you're REALLY not helping your cause--

later he texts me asking if I'm seeing someone else because I don't want to have sex with him. hmmmmm.... I have a one year old (plus the one I care for 8 hrs a day) who's with me 24 hrs a day....we're recently separated.... I don't even have *dreams* of sex....

My 'boss'-roomate thinks I should use use X for the sex and money. ((half jokingly).
 

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I don't think I've EVER used this emoticon before, but here it is:

:puke

How disgusting and pathetic that he is essentially putting the onus on you (and your vagina) as to whether or not he is able to "become a better person." How childish and manipulative! Its one thing to try to work things out by dating and still maintaining seperate residences and space, but making sex a conditional part of that process, well, it really gives you all the information you need to know.
 

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Love & Affection in the Right direction, sistah. And THAT does not sound like anything but drama you don't need.
 

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Wow!

I don't even think there are words for how reading that made me feel. This comes closest...
 

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Oh. My. God.

Not that it'd really help the cause, but my impulse would be to round up a lot of friends to point and laugh.

Oh, my, that's rich. That's right up there with, "My wife is happier when I'm having an affair."
 

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I think that emotion is soo funny. I laughed out loud and thank you.

Why does a man think we are so stupid as to fall for that nonsense.
 

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I think your stbx must be the same man I'm married to! LOL

Basically- "Let's pretend we're together again and see how it goes." Yeah, right! "Oh yippee! And can we have sex too?!" LOL

(I'm going to post a new thread. It's related to getting back together, so maybe it'll help.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
yeah, i kinda choose to laugh at it instead of getting upset. For a bit after the fact, I wonder if maybe i was a little loony for thinking it WAS manipulative and just down right wrong. After I 'declined' and "broke up with him" whatever that means--sounds like highschool to me-- he said I was not "being patient" enough with him and his vices--having a child should be enough motivation in my book--

This "impatience" of me, is related to me still seeing a lot of thigns I can't stand and don't want my daughter around, and asking him why I would even go there when I can SEE that he can't control his impulses yet and his priorities (besides work) are in the wrong place.

Like I stated, I see things as "fix them, show me the changes stick, and THEN we could talk" but that to him is 'breaking up' and 'not being patient' enough, and I'm the evil 'impatient' person. He says I "need to work" on my patience and expectations".

Actually I feel guilty, because I don't think he'll ever quite be 'up to' my standards, and he *is* trying...but he's still a chouvenistic, verbally abusive (he did apologize right after the last time he spoke in a demeaning manner to me and I walked away), want-to-live-like-i'm single kinda guy, who has trouble with affection-other than sex-.
 

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Don't you fall for it!!!

They all find ways to blame us for why the realtionship isn't working. Don't fall for it. You respect yourself and your expectations. These are your expectations, and if he can't live up to them, he's not good enough for you. It's ok to say that, he's not good enough for you. It's time you gave a little back to yourself.

I will not let another guy into my life that doesn't live up to my expectatioins. I am going to keep them high and not make excuses for anyone. I'd rather be alone than settle.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by rmcarons
I will not let another guy into my life that doesn't live up to my expectatioins. I am going to keep them high and not make excuses for anyone. I'd rather be alone than settle.
Amen mama! My thoughts EXACTLY
 

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ITA!

Ltlfaery- my x sounds like yours. he has also said/done things that I know are just insane to believe, but he has always been very good at making me fall for his act. I think what the 2 previous posters said is right on!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I know! it's just hard sometimes after they 'explain' their way of thinking to you and (at least me) I start going "well when you put it that way..." that's also why I love having this forum, so I can get other "perspectives" and come back to reality.

If it doesn't feel right, it's prob. not right.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Ltlfaery
Like I stated, I see things as "fix them, show me the changes stick, and THEN we could talk" but that to him is 'breaking up' and 'not being patient' enough, and I'm the evil 'impatient' person. He says I "need to work" on my patience and expectations".

OH man when I called it quits with dd's dad he played this same game. It was all "my fault"
cause I wasn't patient, didn't love him enough to give him a chance. I gave him plenty of chances.
We dated for 5 years, but when I knew dd was on her way I wasn't willing to wait any longer.
It was all my fault then, it's all my fault now that he has no relationship with dd.

Sometimes it just doesn't make sense. I stopped trying to figure out how his mind rationalizes it.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by trinity6232000
We dated for 5 years, but when I knew dd was on her way I wasn't willing to wait any longer.
It was all my fault then, it's all my fault now that he has no relationship with dd.
This is EXACTLY what we are doing right now. I have let him hurt me again and again for five years. Well, with Finn in the picture now, I can't lay down anymore. And X is not very nice when I don't let him walk all over me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
the thing that made me even *consider* his 'proposition' is that I know he'd be much more willing to cooperate/be nicer/split costs etc. if he's "getting" some. Otherwise it's "well, it's your problem what will you do about it" It would make life way easier for me....but it makes things complicated.

For example right after we split, he kept telling me he was 'tight' on money, and only giving me the 500 a mo. for childsupport but not paying on other expenses we had. Then come to find out, he got a new xbox 360 right around that time and just didn't mention it. He actually asked me at one point what I thought about 'buying' one, and i said "if you can cover all the costs for the month and have extra, go for it'. In fact, when he 'asked' he had already bought it....arrgghh. and meanwhile, I charge my CC to make ends meet.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by momma2finn
This is EXACTLY what we are doing right now. I have let him hurt me again and again for five years. Well, with Finn in the picture now, I can't lay down anymore. And X is not very nice when I don't let him walk all over me.
This too will get old. Let him have his tantrums. Don't give in just to "play nice". I know
it doesn't happen with every situation. But most people stop reacting when they see it
doesn't bother you.
I feel the only reason they have to keep a relationship going half way, or telling us that
it's our fault, is to keep the relationship right where it is, in the dumps.

AND WE LADIES (and our dc) DESERVE MORE THAN THAT!
 
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