[Dragonfly]

I feel so incredibly trapped. My husband and I decided to split many months ago and he has yet to find a place to live (as we agreed he would). Once we made the decision, we got along pretty well. I suppose difficult situations are always more manageable when there is an end in sight. As the months have worn on, though, our relationship has become more and more strained. I have been trying very hard to keep things even and copasetic - for ds, mainly, because I don't want him to have to live in such a strained environment. This means that I say next to nothing - because anything I might possibly say to him, even if it is in the nature of discussion, he warps into a personal insult. Parenting discussions? Forget about it. If I share anything about the way I might approach a situation with ds, he takes it as a critique of his parenting style.

He says I am a control freak. I know I have control issues and I work *very* hard, constantly, to temper them. I have a wonderfully independent, free-thinking, confident child, so it must be working fairly well. An example of what he considers controlling? I asked him to please not leave ds (3 years) in the van by himself while he runs back into the house to get something. Ds told me that he does this. I told him that I had read over and over that kidnappings sometimes happen in 30 seconds or less and that ds could just as easily get out of his car seat and knock the car out of gear (he knows how to do this). We live in a basement with the door around back - there is no way he can see the van from our apartment and it takes longer than 30 seconds to get down to the door, grab something, and get back, so I felt reasonable in being direct about this. It's really the only thing I've been direct about for as long as I can remember - usually I don't engage with him, but this concerned ds' safety. Despite my best efforts in this area, though, he is a walking ball of tension. He hardly talks to me, hardly looks at me, does not treat me with common courtesy... I feel as though I am eternally walking on eggshells and that he is a ticking bomb.

Tonight was the culmination of events. He screamed at me because I took issue with the way he responded to me and apparently looked at him the wrong way. He screamed at me right in front of our child while he was hovering over him... I don't know if it could have been anymore threatening. Ds began to cry and we both went for him at the same time and he shoved me across the room, very violently. I was so angry, but so concerned for what ds had just witnessed.

Anyway, I told him I want him out tomorrow. He says he's not leaving. I would leave - take ds and go to my mother's, but I'm so worried that that would look like desertion. I don't want to give him anything to use against me. Plus, I can't afford any other place. AND, this is my ds' home... I don't want to rip him out of it.

The problem is, logic does not work with him. He actually justified pushing me, saying that I was trying to keep him from comforting ds. He is able to justify just about anything, just as he is able to twist anything to be my fault, my problem....

Blah. I guess I need to document all of this. I am so worried that he will try to take ds - to be his primary home. I used to think we could work all of this out as "friends", but now I know that there is absolutely no working with him. And I'm pretty certain that even working with a mediator (as our state requires) is going to be pretty fruitless - especially if she's a woman, as most seem to be - because he doesn't respond well to advice or anything that can be deemed as "control" coming from women.

Anyway... think I'm rambling now. Sorry for the length of this. I just needed to get it all out.

So, now I need to figure out what to document. Obviously tonight's happenings and anything similar. But what else? He's so passive-aggressive - if I had to document that, I'd be writing 90% of the day's events.

Hell.

Off to bed.

 

[momto l&a]

Quote:

Ds began to cry and we both went for him at the same time and he shoved me across the room, very violently. I was so angry, but so concerned for what ds had just witnessed.

After your husband shoved you you should have called the police. Its battery when someone touches you with out your permission. I think then you can get a restraining order against him. The police most likely will do a standby by while he collects his stuff at a later date.

The whatever you do dont drop any of the charges against him because he will right back in your home if you do.

I hope all works out well for you.

 

[summerdgo]

You can file for a restraining order, even if you haven't called the police at the time of the incident. That would require him to move out for the time being, you would probably have to go to a hearing to get a permanent order. If you have waited months and he's not showing any sign of leaving, this may be about your only option to get him out and keep a stable home for your child.

What he did (shoving) was battery. Odds are that he will do it again. Please, contact your local domestic violence shelter or advocacy group.

It hurts me so much to see others in situations similar to what I experienced. It is so hard at the time to not justify his actions, or say its not too bad. You do not deserve to be treated that way! And, it is harmful for children to witness.

Be strong and good luck! My thoughts are with you.

 

[Wendi]

I understand that you are trying to be congenial with dh, but he has crossed that line, and I do think you should file a police report, at least so that you have a record of what he did to you. You probably should file a restraining order as well. You can ask that an officer be at your house for when he comes home from work this evening to make him leave. Otherwise, as much as you don't want to do it, you and your son should leave and go live with your mother.

 

[nata0742]

I can only tell you how I did it.....ex agreed to stay until the baby was born to "help" around the house...instead life was just horrible - i still lived him and wanted our marriage to work - I moved across the country under false pretenses thinking he wanted our marriage to work as much as I did - brand new 5 bedroom house to fill up with more kids, yada yada yada.....

One month together and I told him I could not take the coldness in bed with him and since he was planning on leaving anyway he should move into one of the other bedrooms - so for 1 month he did until I could not take it anymore. He came home from work one night and I asked him to sit calmly and we needed to talk. I told him how his emotional discontection was affecting me. How hard it was to want a hug from him or even a sign of affection...he agreed it was not fair to me, so he would try to find a cheap place (he already had gone apt hunting but everything he looked at would run him close to 1k with utilities and he could not afford that - he did this without me knowing when I sent him to sleep in the other room and then came home saying he would stick around blah blah blah)

well that night I got on the internet and found a studio apt for him $535 a month....I drove him to them the next day and he signed a lease - I cried like a baby. Came home, packed his bags for him, went to walmart to buy him pots and pans and some other basics and off he went...Nov 25th it will be 1 yr...I cried over this for over 8 months....wondering if i did the right thing....I now know I did!

good luck to you - NO ONE should have to live with any type of abuse!

natalia

 

[magnoliablue]

Dragonfly, Please, at the minimum file a police report about this incident, if you are able, go as far as filing a restraining order. The most a judge can say is no, but you at least have the police report as documentation should this happen again. If it does happen again, call the police immediately and get that order. They will remove him from the house as long as you have the order in place. Please take my advice to heart. A year ago I ended my marriage of 11 years because of physical and verbal abuse. The first incident happened when our son was a babe.. I was told then there would be more incidents but I niavely tried to make things work. We ended up having two more children, who all have witnessed some sad things in their childhood. If I could do anything over again, it would have been to listen to that police officer who said it would happen again. For your child alone, do what you can to spare him from this situation. My children are much more at peace now then a year ago. It has been a long road, but I am regaining my security and self again, and you can do this too. good luck and peace to you..karen

 

[mamademaya]

Dragonfly, I'm wondering what has happened? As most of the replys have stated, you can request a restraining order. I used to help women get them. You need to write about any incidence where you were threatened by him or where he was physical with you. There are agencies that can help you fill out the paperwork. I'm wondering what is going on now?

 

[carmen veranda]

Me too. I am sending you love and peace.

 

[comet]

I'm thinking of you, too.

As scary as him shoving you was, it's your ticket to freedom. Contact a domestic violence shelter and get them to help you. They can help you leave with your child and document it so that it isn't desertion. Don't worry about proving that he shoved you - just go to them (or cal them) with the facts as you know them. They can help you.

Everything you describe about him sounds abusive - not just the shoving. And leaving an abuser is typically the most dangerous time. Please be careful.