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DH just told me something that really shocked me. Our old issue--when I'd ask him whether he'd be coming home right after the movie, for example, he'd say sure, but wouldn't come until hours later, with no apology or explanation. (We have no cell phones by choice)<br><br>
I usually tell him how upset I am and how worried I am, but sometimes I just say nothing, because I have a feeling that he's upset that I'm upset. I tell him that my main issue is not that he's late, but that he won't let us know about it.<br><br><br>
We have 3 kids, the oldest is 6. I feel it is so much easier to plan my day / bedtime when I know when he's going to be home. However, he pretty rarely comes home at the time he says he will, so I guess me asking him is not helping.<br><br>
But today he told me that he does this because I'm controlling--controlling the time he gets home, I guess?<br><br>
I'm trying to think in what other ways I might be controlling. I do nag him at times / get frustrated with him when I'm trying to balance 3 kids and cooking supper, while heplays computer games, and ask him to step in and take over at least with one of the kids. The thing is, he hardly ever responds to my nagging.<br><br>
He's rarely home, and I've expressed my frustration when he wants to do solo activities during what I consider is family time, and in the past I've been upset by his refusal to do so, to the point of crying and begging him not to. I guess this could be interpreted as controlling... I can see this now... He would never give in, and would go ahead as planned. I felt abandoned and unimportant to him, but I could also see that he needed his time alone. I would almost always be better and sincerely apologetic when he'd come home. The departures were very tough for me, but I'd have time to cool off, and I'd always tell him that I was wrong to try to ask him not to ho.<br><br>
Interestingly, I thought of him as controlling, because of him not letting me know what time he'd be home, for example.<br><br><br>
Am I controlling and what to do about it?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>choochootrain</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13971339"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Interestingly, I thought of him as controlling, because of him not letting me know what time he'd be home, for example.</div>
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I agree with your thinking here.<br><br>
It's just considerate to let the people you live with know when you'll be home. DH is usually home from work by 5:45pm. If he leaves the office late he calls to let me know. That's just being considerate.<br><br>
Based only on what you describe in your post I don't think you sound controlling. You sound like any mother of small children who wants/needs to know when her partner and co-parent is going to be home. Knowing when he'll be home, asking him to pitch in when he is home, and asking him to limit the time he spends away from the family during "family" time is all very reasonable.<br><br>
Crying and begging to not be left alone again is desperate, not necessarily controlling.<br><br>
Sounds like the two of you might need to have a heart-to-heart, assuming he wouldn't find that controlling.<br><br>
To me it seems like he wants to have total control to the point of always keeping you guessing.
 

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I agree with previous poster.<br>
He needs to grow UP and stop playing the little boy/mean mommy game with you. You don't want to know these things to control him, you want to know them as his wife and partner and mother of his children. He has responsibilities now and needs to stop acting like a child and playing manipulating games with you. It's common courtesy and respect that partners check in with each other about their schedules. Argh.<br><br>
I feel for ya. Try to get some sense into your dh. Wish I had some tips on how.
 

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He is acting like a big baby. Tell him to grow up and get real. It sounds like some couples counseling might really help here. He is part of a FAMILY and that comes with obligations, such as the common courtesy to let people know your plans in a general way. There is no way on earth I would either act that way or allow someone else to act that way in this family. Am I right in assuming that maybe your DH had some family of origin issues? Like attachment issues maybe?
 

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Woah ...<br><br>
I don't find you controlling at all. When to people partner, whether it be in a work situation or raising kids or growing a garden .... you have to communicate and coordinate. It's a reasonable part of working as a team. Knowing where the other half of the partnership is going to be arriving home is key to a good working relationship. How the heck can you get anything done if you are unclear about when the other person will even be there.<br><br>
My husband always lets me know when he will be home and then is there when he says he will be (give or take 10 minutes). Otherwise he calls. That way I can plan my side of things.<br><br>
As for you caring for three kids and making dinner ... while he plays video games ... honey, unless he is the President of the United States and just negotiated with North Korea and really, really needs down time ... he needs to get off his butt and help you! Btw, I bet Michelle wouldn't put up w/that from Barack!<br><br>
Anyway ... there is always a balence in a partnership ... and it sounds like your relationship is unbalenced.<br><br>
Liz
 

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No, you aren't being controlling. He's being irresponsible and is trying to shift the blame to you. He's the father of three children. It's time to stop acting like an 18 year old with no responsibilities.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>EFmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13972351"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">No, you aren't being controlling. He's being irresponsible and is trying to shift the blame to you. He's the father of three children. It's time to stop acting like an 18 year old with no responsibilities.</div>
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Uh, yeah. What's up with the mind games here? Grown-up partners tell each other when they will be home. It's called being a responsible adult.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zinemama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13972415"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Uh, yeah. What's up with the mind games here? Grown-up partners tell each other when they will be home. It's called being a responsible adult.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
 

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You don't sound controlling to me. Just because he wants to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and you don't like it doesn't mean you're controlling.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
We talked more and he opened up why he doesn't call--he says he simply doesn't want to. He feels I'll be upset anyway, so what's the point.<br><br>
Well, I AM upset if he doesn't keep his word, but in the recent years i am a LOT more understanding, and I think it is obvious.<br><br>
I hate that I have to tell myself, well, if something bad would've happened, the police would be here, so he must be allright, just late. I still worry, even if I should know better.<br><br>
He does have a very stressful, all consuming job, and he needs to destress. But I just never thought of me as controlling. He says I'm controlling because I want him to spend time with our kids...sigh...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Thank you for the responses.
 

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A decent man would feel <i>less</i> stressed when away from home if he knew his wife wasn't worrying about him and wondering where he was.<br><br>
Heck, I have a propensity to worry, myself. I know what it's like. Dh calls even if he's only held up 10 minutes at work to let me know he'll be late. I have never asked him to do this. He's just a decent husband.<br><br>
I think you are/are trying to be be way too understanding of his behavior.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zinemama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13972956"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">A decent man would feel <i>less</i> stressed when away from home if he knew his wife wasn't worrying about him and wondering where he was.<br><br>
Heck, I have a propensity to worry, myself. I know what it's like. Dh calls even if he's only held up 10 minutes at work to let me know he'll be late. I have never asked him to do this. He's just a decent husband.<br><br>
I think you are/are trying to be be way too understanding of his behavior.</div>
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I don't really understand this behavior. In the past we had big fights (me upset with him, him not saying anything, withdrawing), but in the last years I'm more tolerant, and I also realised fights didn' help.<br><br>
He hasn't changed this pattern a bit. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>choochootrain</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13971339"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He's rarely home, and I've expressed my frustration when he wants to do solo activities during what I consider is family time, and in the past I've been upset by his refusal to do so, to the point of crying and begging him not to. I guess this could be interpreted as controlling... I can see this now... He would never give in, and would go ahead as planned. I felt abandoned and unimportant to him, but I could also see that he needed his time alone.</div>
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This seems more like desperate frustration on your part & that he's just not "getting" it by disregarding your sincere requests for him to be responsible. Not only for the household, but for his kids. If you two had no kids & you were needing him to detail a schedule to you, yeah, maybe that'd be controlling & an issue for you to work on - but with three small kids & a household to run, it is important & necessary that you can count on him to show up. Parenting is a full time job. What other full time job could you just wander in to whenever, ignore your duties & keep it a positive working relationship with your colleagues for very long at all?!<br><br>
I don't see this as you being controlling. I see what you've described as an issue of him maybe not realizing what it takes to run a household with the three small kids that he helped put there? He needs to respect what you're saying. You must be feeling really frustrated. Also, you say that you understand that he needs time to himself but he's not understanding what you need here - plus, wouldn't you like time to yourself as well?? IMO, He could be more active in his parenting duties (even if that is only sticking to some sort of schedule & taking the kids while you get time to yourself as well) & more loving to you & respectful of you when you're telling him your needs - NOT brushing you off while he plays games. It really irritates me when guys try to pull the "nag" card when they are being irresponsible & immature. Sorry that you're dealing with this behavior, hope it gets better soon for you.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>choochootrain</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13972933"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">We talked more and he opened up why he doesn't call--he says he simply doesn't want to. He feels I'll be upset anyway, so what's the point.<br><br>
Well, I AM upset if he doesn't keep his word, but in the recent years i am a LOT more understanding, and I think it is obvious.<br><br>
I hate that I have to tell myself, well, if something bad would've happened, the police would be here, so he must be allright, just late. I still worry, even if I should know better.<br><br>
He does have a very stressful, all consuming job, and he needs to destress. But I just never thought of me as controlling. He says I'm controlling because I want him to spend time with our kids...sigh...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Thank you for the responses.</div>
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Sorry to double post but just read this. Maybe take note of what else is frustrating you with him... if you're missing out on what you thought you signed up for - a loving & dedicated partner & father, but have instead been trying desperately to make things "happy & functional" with a partner who is clearly NOT pulling his share of the duties involved for years now & then blaming you - that doesn't make you controlling either... you are now just someone who was greatly misled, trying to make this family work... while he's not even respecting that. Plus, years upon years of trying to put that hurtful issue under the rug would cause anyone to erupt at seemingly slight issues like him calling to be honest by stating that he's going to be late - if what he's saying is even true. Sounds like you two need a heart to heart, w/o the kids present (could someone watch them for an overnight or a few hrs?)... or a counseling session with someone who deals in familial issues. Seems like he thinks that you should just "get over it" when all he's been doing is adding salt to years old wounds. It's going to give out at some point in time unless you two take this seriously & seek help now.
 

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i think time issues are always a big red flag that someone has a personal problem and needs some direction.<br><br>
i would get him into ic and i would go to marital counseling w/ him. that would be a requirement in my marriage.<br><br>
something is really off w/ his behavior and i don't think you can blame it on a disagreement over values or even irresponsible actions/poor character. if he is doing it on purpose, then you need to learn some boundary rules. if he is subconsciously doing this, he needs to sort out his issues.<br><br>
good luck. these things tend to unravel a lot of surprising booty.<br><br><a href="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" target="_blank">www.marriagebuilders.com</a>
 

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Discussion Starter #17
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>number572</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13973637"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sorry to double post but just read this. Maybe take note of what else is frustrating you with him... if you're missing out on what you thought you signed up for - a loving & dedicated partner & father, but have instead been trying desperately to make things "happy & functional" with a partner who is clearly NOT pulling his share of the duties involved for years now & then blaming you - that doesn't make you controlling either... you are now just someone who was greatly misled, trying to make this family work... while he's not even respecting that. Plus, years upon years of trying to put that hurtful issue under the rug would cause anyone to erupt at seemingly slight issues like him calling to be honest by stating that he's going to be late - if what he's saying is even true. Sounds like you two need a heart to heart, w/o the kids present (could someone watch them for an overnight or a few hrs?)... or a counseling session with someone who deals in familial issues. Seems like he thinks that you should just "get over it" when all he's been doing is adding salt to years old wounds. It's going to give out at some point in time unless you two take this seriously & seek help now.</div>
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Yes, this is sadly how I feel. I know he is not happy either. But for him to be happy he needs to be "left alone" to do his things--sleep a lot, play games, read. He's an introverted person who gets not only emotionally and physically exhausted at work because of the subject matter of his job, but also because he needs to be with people all the time. So he craves "alone time." i don't now how this can be compatible with having a family AND such a stressful job. He's very aware of this. And when I say I understand his needs, this doesn't mean that it is easy for me to give him what he needs. Neither of us feel we get what we need from each other. We don't have time for counseling! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
The thing is, I'm actually just realizing this as I write, if he was able to be respectful and attentive in little things--like calling me when he's late, or just calling from work from time to time...I'd feel better overall. But he must feel that if he calls me, I'm going to ask when he's going to be home, and he doesn't want to hear this.<br><br>
Also, in the past, when he'd call me to let me know he was late, it would usually be an hour or so AFTER he promissed to be home. So I did react in an irritated way, because I'd be expecting him through the door, dinner ready, and he'd call to tell me he's still at work, for example. Admittedly, I could've handled those better. But again, this was before kids, and I was very young and idealistic.<br><br>
I feel that my marriage is falling apart. Neither of us feels respected or happy, and I don't know how to start.<br><br>
I need to start a new thread, how to cope with an introvert DH who works 10 hours a day if not more, comes home late, wants to be left alone, irritated by the kids and by my housekeeping habits, and doesn't "do well" with scheduled activities (his admission). For example, something like, "come home, rest for 2 hours, spend 1 hour with the kids at bedtime" irritates him because it is too schedule (this is what he said yesterday.)<br><br>
We had a short heart to heart, he opened up more than normally, which was nice, but we are left hanging with no solutions, just problems. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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The whole being out later than told about & not calling was a big frustration for us. Dh used to go out, be really vague about when to expect him back ('you know I'm going out - I'll be back late') and resent my trying to get any kind of time to expect him.<br><br>
Recently, this has become not as big a problem. What changed, was dh realized (because of something that happened one day) that I was asking for this because this is what I would do for him if I was late for something I had planned to do with him. Yes, to him it didn't matter whether I called and was late to coming home and cooking dinner. But it mattered to me that I said I'd be home to cook dinner, and now I wasn't and I called him to tell him so.<br><br>
And honestly, all I really ask out of him is that if he isn't home by x time I want a call or message that he'll be home by y time - or that he'll have to call later to let me know when he's on his way, I'm not trying to 'set a curfew' or anything.
 

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Does he happen to be an aquarius? lol I *get* the whole "need my freedom" bit... but, that doesn't really work too well when you've chosen to be a dad of three kids! To lay it all in your lap is really uncool, imo. Sorry, DH, time to rearrange your priorities for a few years <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Well, maybe someone will show up here with some more btdt advice... I'll think about this thru the day & come back if anything helpful comes to mind. Maybe check that marriage builder's site that a pp posted? I've looked at it before & it has some good tips for beginning. Hug, have a good day.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mumkimum</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13974801"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The whole being out later than told about & not calling was a big frustration for us. Dh used to go out, be really vague about when to expect him back ('you know I'm going out - I'll be back late') and resent my trying to get any kind of time to expect him.<br><br>
Recently, this has become not as big a problem. What changed, was dh realized (because of something that happened one day) that I was asking for this because this is what I would do for him if I was late for something I had planned to do with him. Yes, to him it didn't matter whether I called and was late to coming home and cooking dinner. But it mattered to me that I said I'd be home to cook dinner, and now I wasn't and I called him to tell him so.<br><br><b>And honestly, all I really ask out of him is that if he isn't home by x time I want a call or message that he'll be home by y time - or that he'll have to call later to let me know when he's on his way, I'm not trying to 'set a curfew' or anything</b>.</div>
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yes to the bolded part.<br><br>
the thing is, when i'm later than expected, which practically never happens because of the kids, he'd tell me that he didn't mind at all. (unless he was left with the kids, of course. this happened when we had 2 kids, when my acitivity didn't have a set ending time, and 2-3 times I came a bit later than usual. then he was upset because he said he didn't know how to put the kids to bed).<br><br>
if i'm out with the kids until way later than promissed, he'd say, oh, i just knew you were having fun, and i know you are a resourcefull person, so you wouldn't be in trouble, so i didn't worry. he'd act as though he didn't notice at all. and i believe he does't notice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 
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