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We have a 3 year old son who was circumsized due to my ignorance and youth. I am pregnant with our 3rd, and I have a feeling it is a boy. Nothing I have said to DH has worked to convince him not to circ the new baby. He keeps saying things like "we're fine" and "plenty of people get it done, he won't remember it" and keeps begging me to "leave this decision up to him." I'm not very far along, so I still have some time to convince him. I know that when I deliver the baby, if there is disagreement between us, the staff will go by what I say and not my dh, but I really don't want it to come to that. I feel like that would be really telling him that I am the only parent and only my opinions matter, etc. So if I can, I would really like to convince him. I have sent him pictures, articles, etc etc etc. And he won't budge on it. Even his best friend, who recently had a son and circed him, has come around to my way of seeing things and won't circ another child. I just don't know if this is a pride thing with him or what. Its just really upsetting to me and under no circumstances do I want my baby touched!! Any help you can give me for my difficult DH would be helpful, thanks alot.
 

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I might go at it as the foreskin is a natural, normal, useful body part. So why mess with it? Not that NOT having one is bad (meaning that there is nothing to be ashamed about if one was circ'ed), but there's also nothing wrong with leaving it (I personally think it is *right* to leave it, but saying it the former way might be less likely to invite hurt feelings).

It is a surgery on a newborn baby. There is a very real risk of complications (even if not immediate). And it hurts. Even if you use anesthesia (and it works), it hurts afterwards. Have you or dh had surgery- even minor surgery? It doesn't just stop hurting that day.
I had a very small lump removed from my breast. The incision was about half an inch long. They gave me pain pills, and it still was sore for days. That's just how incisions are. Heck, even small cuts from knife accidents hurt for a while.
So for a baby, he's been in this world for a day. He's taken from the only place he wants to be (with his parents), and strapped down on a board. Sure, he gets anesthesia. But the next week or more of his life, he feels pain in a very senitive area. That's pretty much all he knows.
Add to that, that this surgical incision is sitting in waste. Even if you are super fast at changing diapers, it will come in contact with urine and feces. (I want to cry writing that, because my poor ds was circed before I was smart enough to know better)
Then in some cases (It happened to us and both my friends with boys, so I think its pretty common), the skin fuses together, and it has to be pulled apart. And that hurts. Ds was loud and clear on that.

Leave it up to the person who owns the genitals. Let ds decide when he's older. Plus, I bet an older man getting circed would get a good number of pain pills to keep him painfree the next few days.

ftr, dp is totally anti-circ now, too.
 

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Has he seen the graphic circ video yet posted here on MDC? Do you want me to send you both the free DVD?

email me if you want it:

[email protected]

While I understand your need to have him "on board with you" so-to-speak, please remember that a mother's protection instincts always trump EVERYTHING and EVERYONE, including dh.

Stand strong in your resolve to protect your son's inherent rights.
 

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Ask him why he wants it done, and then go from there. Explore his feelings on the subject. He needs to produce some sort of rational reason for wanting this done.

And, luckily for you and your kid, there just aren't any rational reasons to do it. You win!


I asked mine, "would it hurt your feelings if we didn't do it?" and he paused for a sec, as if off-guard and said, "no."

I feel like that question framed the issue subtly, but correctly; it made my husband realize that his "FEELINGS" were the ONLY thing advocating for circumcision. Not logic, not medical necessity, not even really social pressure.

And few men will admit to doing things based purely on their own emotions.

Make your DH realize that your son's penis is NOT about his "feelings," but about what's best for the boy's longterm health and sexual function and bodily integrity.

And, finally, point out that leaving your second son intact won't do a thing to harm either your older son or your husband. It's the no-risk, no-problem decision.
 

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This is just me...not sure if it would work in your case...I would simply not allow surgery on my child without a very real medical need for it.

To say that a woman must convince her husband not to circ seems backwards. Leaving a baby alone should be the default setting. You shouldn't have to convince somebody not to surgically alter a penis. Instead, your husband should have the burden of proving to you that it's necessary. If he can't produce solid evidence that circumcising a newborn is necessary, you don't give consent. Period.

Tell him that the burden of proof is his and that until he can provide that evidence, you won't sign the dotted line. I'm pretty darn certain that he can't provide any such evidence.
 

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Just to piggyback... I'm in semi the same position. I thought DH had agreed... and a few days ago, I said something about how nice it will be not to have to slather soon to be DS#2 with vaseline and worry about infection, and sticking to the diaper... when he said "what? I thought we agreed to get him circed"

: I was completely shocked and more than a little ticked (read other version) off. I kind of went off on him... and let him know in no uncertain terms that I will not be signing any consent forms and he will have to go to court to make it happen.

But it would be so much easier if he would just understand. And I thought he did.

One of the things he said was that if DS#2 isn't circed he will feel outcast from the other guys in the family. I had to dig and dig, but one reason he gave for saying that is that he saw a documentary once where a guy got circed at 23 yo because his whole life he felt different/outcast/wierd. I tried explaining that more boys are going uncirced nowadays and he will be "normal". DH said it wouldn't matter if he was different than his brother and father. We talked back and forth covering a variety of things, but he still wants to get him circed. I WILL NOT let that happen but am also searching for ways, AGAIN! to show DH the harm he wishes to inflict.

Why are men SOOOOOOOOO crazy about this? Ughhh.

s: it's a bad position!
 

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I tried that. my *dh* wouldn't budge. I told him. "fine. he is not getting circumsized. period." he didn't like that. oh well my sons are more important than ANY man. including their father.
 

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Ughhh. My DH said basically the same thing. "When you grow a penus, you can make the decisions regarding them". I think that was about when I told him he'd have to take me to court first. I get that I am not up to speed on male genital drama as it relates to boys growing up. I am 100% sure that all of my sons will grow up knowing why they may look different from themselves and/or other people and I am capable of raising them in a way that it will not hurt either one in any way. Now why isn't DH confident of his ability to do that?
 

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I bought the Mothering Case Against Circ Reprint and we both read it. My dh was like " Wow..I didnt know any of that. " And it was never an issue again.
 

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When I was pregnant with dd, my husband saw the following Dan Savage column that permanently changed his mind on circumcision (the second letter).

http://www.portlandmercury.com/portl...ve?issue=32386

He said that if there is even a miniscule chance that his son would lose the head of his penis and never be able to fully enjoy sex then it was not worth it. Of course, we ended up having a girl so it wasn't an issue but I keep the article handy just in case he forgets and we do someday have a boy.

Good luck.

Edited to say: This is a sex column if you have not heard of Dan Savage, just FYI.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by pumpkinsmama
Ughhh. My DH said basically the same thing. "When you grow a penus, you can make the decisions regarding them". I think that was about when I told him he'd have to take me to court first. I get that I am not up to speed on male genital drama as it relates to boys growing up. I am 100% sure that all of my sons will grow up knowing why they may look different from themselves and/or other people and I am capable of raising them in a way that it will not hurt either one in any way. Now why isn't DH confident of his ability to do that?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you pregnant and aren't you growing a penis inside you right now? I've grown 2 penises
 

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I think I'm falling in love with you! I can't wait to mention that to DH. By October I will have also grown 2, which should make me somewhat more of an expert than DH! Thanks for pointing out the obvious I was so oblivious to!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by AmyD
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you pregnant and aren't you growing a penis inside you right now? I've grown 2 penises



Also remind him that as he does not have a foreskin he should not be allowed to make decisions about it. In fact you are the one with the prepuce, this decision should be entirely up to you!
 

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Why don't you appeal to him to let your SON make the decision? After all, it's his body, why should his parents be the one to decide to cut of bits of him? If you leave him intact, he can decide later in life if he wants to have a foreskin or not.

It would be helpful if you can find out why your dh wants to circ him. Knowing his reasons will make it easier to tell him the reasons not to circ. For example, if it's the locker room thing, then you can remind him that half the other boys will be intact as fewer people circumcize these days.


Talk to him and find out why he wants to circ. Keep strong momma!
 
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