[of2mindsmama]

hi everyone,
i posted this on stages of development but i'm hoping to get more input especially from mamas with older kids. so here goes:
my DD age 7, unschooled at home, plays a lot with the kids across the street, boy age 8 and girl age 6, and i've been happy because they seem like lovely kids.
lately though i noticed that boy age 8 has been sort of surly, and my DD has been bringing home a lot of his snarky negativity and tough-talk. for a couple days she would gratuitously insert downer statements in response to everything i said, it was driving me nuts.
me: thanks for reading to DD2, that was lovely.
her: well, i didn't have anything better to do.
me: how about toast with lox for breakfast?
her: nah, that's not my favorite.
her: boy age 8 said, "goodbye asshole!" when we came home. that's funny!
me: oh.
well, now that i write those, it seems like fairly innocuous stuff, maybe i am just over-reacting. we talk a lot in our house about speaking kindly, having a positive attitude, looking for solutions we can all live with if we disagree, working together as a team. over an entire day, she is spouting a lot of negative energy, and i'm not sure how to deal with it. should i just let it run its course, and say as little as i can?
my DH is inclined to be more heavy-handed, limit her time with them or tell her if she can't stop imitating that she'll see less of them. i feel like she's just learning their lingo, but is the same happy girl, and that it'll pass in time. but it is driving me nuts to be spoken to all day in this dismissive way.
all advice welcome!
thanks!
and my 2nd post:
i guess i forgot to mention that the reason i'm confused about nipping it in the bud, which is my instinctive response, MamaHappy, is that it's gotten to the point where every time DD opens her mouth she's getting a negative or corrective response. yuck! so here i am responding to all her negativity with MORE negativity? and i know she feels it. she's said to me, i can't do anything right. i don't want her to feel that way.
so if anyone out there has an older child that's been through this, please let me know if it passes, what you did to help the child gain awareness and forethought BEFORE opening her mouth. that's what i've tried to tell her, that her friends often speak in ways that are really dismissive and alienating ("pushing away" vs. "welcoming" and "listening"), and that we all have times we speak that way, but to be aware of the response we're likely to get when we use that tone, vs a more loving tone. because i don't want her to feel shame that she's bad. the truth is we all have moments when we speak rudely. but all we can hope for is that we're aware in that moment of a choice to do so, that we're not doing it reflexively?
so i think i am focusing on helping her develop that awareness that it is a choice, and not just get into a habit of talking rudely, which is really the fear that i and DH have, that she gains a really bad habit in the way she sees and responds to everything...
any thoughts?
thanks again, all.

 

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Quote:

Originally Posted by of2mindsmama me: thanks for reading to DD2, that was lovely. her: well, i didn't have anything better to do. you: you're right there is nothing better to do in the world than spend loving time with your family. reading is also one of the BEST things you can do with your time, so I'm not surprise there was nothing BETTER! me: how about toast with lox for breakfast? her: nah, that's not my favorite. you: oh its not your favorite? hmmm, well if you had your favorite all the time then you'd get tired of it and it wouldn't be your favorite anymore would it? so how about something that's just "good enough" her: boy age 8 said, "goodbye asshole!" when we came home. that's funny! me: oh. you: and when you got back here I said "HELLO most wonderful daughter in the universe" its so interesting how different people greet each other isn't it?

So yeah, my answers are totally "silly" but I kinda think that "killing her with kindness" might be the way to go. Also if you react harshly then its all just a power play and all about control from both of you. If she says something snarky (which is pretty normal at 7, although my experience is with "other people's children not my own") and then you get all upset, she is just going to keep doing it to push your buttons.

 

[Kuba'sMama]

I do think it's a stage of development too. My son is also almost 7, but he does go to a public school. He is bringing home the sighs, the eyerolls, the whatevers... It is irritating, but it's a balance of correcting and ignoring, depending on the situation. For example if I ask him to clean his room (or another unpleasant chore) and he proceeds to roll his eyes, but getting on with the task, I ignore the eyeroll (hey, that's how I feel about housework sometimes too, lol). But if he gives me the "whatever" or something along the lines when we are having a "talk" then I do expect him to backtrack and apologize. So I guess what I mean is, he knows when we are joking around and trying on sarcasm is ok, and he knows when he crossed the line. Part of it might also be mimicking adult behaviour IMO. I know I can throw in a sarcastic comment here and there too, to be completely honest.

 

[of2mindsmama]

thanks for your input!