[USAmma]

This is probably a small issue in the big scheme of things but it's causing major resentment and hurt feelings. I have a hearing problem. Not much of one, but have severe allergies. I have one ear that doesn't drain well at all, so is full of fluid most of the time, and the other ear is affected on bad allergy days. I can take meds to drain it but I don't like to take meds all the time (esp. that I'm pg). I take 2 daily asthma meds already. I can live with the ear thing because I've had it my whole life and it doesn't affect my life all that much.

Except that dh likes to keep the TV down real low. He's a minimalist in a lot of ways and likes to keep it just barely where he can hear it, and says that any louder will damage dd's ears. He keeps the TV at about 15 on the volume setting. On the good days I can hear stuff at 20, but today I can't hear it unless it's around 25-30. Mind you this is still not very loud compared to a blasting stereo or anything. I can hear most things okay (normal house noises, voices, traffic), but it's hard for me to make out human speech on TV and radio enough to comprehend what they are saying. Esp. with fans or the dishwasher running. I think dh must have exceptional hearing. I majored in speech pathology for awhile and I can tell you that even at 30 it's not enough to damage anyone's ears.

So whenever we watch TV he complains that the TV's too loud and will take the remote and turn it down to 15 without asking me. If I ask him to turn it up he'll turn it to 17. Very generous. If I take the remote and turn it up to 20 he gets all bent out of shape. Same thing plays out in the car with that radio, and in the house's main room where we both enjoy NPR.

He says since I'm the one with the disability I should wear headphones and not make "everyone else" suffer. He's the only one who suffers. Dd doesn't care. First of all we don't have the $$ to afford a headphone system. Our TV is so old I doubt it has the technology for this anyway. And if I have headphones on I can't hear other things going on in the house. Besides the fact that I don't watch TV that often to make an investment in earphones worthwhile.

I told him he needs to get earplugs if it bothers him. They cost about $2 and since I'm the one with the disability and can't improve my hearing without heavy meds, he needs to show some compassion and let me turn the volume up on the days when I can't hear well. It hurts me that he's not being more understanding. I mean, my grandpa can't hear at all had has the TV blasting and dh says that's fine because he's old and people have to show respect.

We have reached a non-compromise and it's not one of things we can agree to disagree on since we share the TV and radio.

Any ideas for how we can live with each other?

Darshani

 

[kama'aina mama]

I think it is sad that your DH is willing to show grampa greater respect simply by virtue of his years than he is willing to show you. If you were unable to walk would he buy a two story house and tell you that since it's your disability it's your problem? Of course not. One possible compromise is this: Does your TV have closed captions? Check the settings and see if you can put the CC on with the sound on. (We manage it by listening to the tv via the vcr and the stereo speakers... the actual TV is on "mute" so I can use the CC. Some tv's you can have sound and CC simultaneous.) I have gotten in the habit of using the CC much of the time since I have a 3 y/o who has the kind of timing that has cost me several "Law and Order" verdicts and I live by a loud street. Having the TV set loud enough to be heard over these noise spikes would drive me nutty.

Good luck with this. It's not huge, but the every day stuff adds up.

 

[village idiot]

I agree that your dh should show you more respect in this matter. It's not like you choose to be hard of hearing. I think that you as his wife should have the volume at a comfortable level so you can hear, yk?

That said, I second the idea of using cc but you did say you had an older set so I'm not sure if yours is equipped with cc. So I agree that he should find a system that will work for you. Good luck.

 

[USAmma]

Those are both excellent suggestions! I don't even like to wear jewlery except stud earrings and nosering, so the headphone idea is not that appealing to me. Hilary, how do you hear other noises like if your kids are crying in the other room? I worry about that with headphones. Our TV is in the home office, not the main room of the house. The closed caption idea is great too, might be more feasible. I too sometimes turn it up louder to filter out dd's singing at the top of her lungs during a crucial point in the show.

Both ideas would probably involve getting a new TV. Ours was made in the early 80's. So I'll offer to dh that if he finds some high tech solution I can live with and be comfortable with I'll do it. Since the only time I'll need to wear the headphones is when he's home he'll have to also take charge of dd if she starts crying, or at least be responsible for telling me about it so I can take care of her.

Keep the ideas coming! A little sympathy is always helpful too. lol!

Darshani

 

[EmmaJean]

Darshani, I'm so sorry you are going through this! I know what it's like to be almost deaf just from your ears being plugged from illness. So frustrating, but it gave me so much respect and understanding for my granddad who has hearing problems.

But anyway, when I was reading your post, I couldn't help but wonder if there is really some other underlying issue for you and dh that is causing the tv to become the main issue. KWIM?? Like if what is really bothering you is that he isn't showing you respect or attention or filling some need, etc. Maybe if there is something else, you can talk to him about it, and then the tv will still be an issue to sort out, but not such a source of bitterness, you know? Sorry to get all personal, but it's just what stood out to me.

Nonetheless, I hope you guys can work this out soon and not be so annoyed with each other.

On a side note, the funniest thing when my ears are stopped up is being in bed, and dh and I shouting at each other b/c I just can't hear him! It just cracks me up even to think about it!

 

[USAmma]

Quote:

, I couldn't help but wonder if there is really some other underlying issue for you and dh that is causing the tv to become the main issue.

Good point! We deferred the issue to tomorrow when we'll both be calmer. I'll bring this up too. Thanks for helping me work through this!

Darshani

 

[USAmma]

We talked late last night and I told him I was willing to use a system like headphones or closed caption if he was willing to do the research and buy a product I was comfortable using. He said forget it, he doesn't care anymore and is sorry. Said he sees me being uncomfortable in pregnancy and with all my allergy/asthma problems on top of it, and I'm a good mom despite those problems and he felt bad for not letting me have this one little thing.

He would never admit to this, but I think he's just being irritable because he hasn't been, ahem, getting much from me since I got pg. First I had terrible m/s. Then I just haven't felt in very good health and am tired by the end of the day coping with that, being very tired from pg and caring for a toddler. He's been very respectful and understanding but it's coming out in other ways.

Darshani

 

[KPduty]

Chiropractic will help your allergies and the fluid in you ears to drain. It's worked for me.

It might be something to consider.

 

[EmmaJean]

Awwww....Darshani, you have a very loving husband! I'm so glad that he's decided to be more understanding about all this. Pregnancy can be such a trying time for everyone, and I'm glad he's accepting that! and you have your whole lives to....um....you know!

That was a hard part of pregnancy and postpartum for me. I think we went about 7 months without any "activity".

: Such a patient dh! gotta love him!

Enjoy actually hearing the tv and radio! And if the noise gets on dh's nerves, he could always put cotton in his ears or some other little ear plugs. That's easy!

 

[Missgrl]

Moving this to Parents as Partners now

 

[EmmaJean]

thanks for the laughs, hilary!

 

[DebraBaker]

I have the opposite problem except my dh doesn't have a hearing problem he just likes the volume up high.

I don't want to hear the *)%$^*^ TV when the tv is in the living room and *I'm* upstairs!!!

....So I ask him to turn the volume down and he thinks I'm a grouch.

In your circumstances, however, I think things are different. You simply cannot *hear* the TV and *need* the volume up higher to hear the show.

What about a compromise? If it's something like a news program you could put on cc and if it's entertainment perhaps the volume could be up in the low '20's.

....And if you don't watch tv too much it shouldn't be either intrusive or hurt your DD's ears.

Debra Baker

 

[Alenushka]

1. Deal with allergies. There is no goo reason to wlak around with fluids in your ear. It can lead to infection. go see a specialist, accupucnture therapist, whoever.....it will be chaper int he long run thatn buy a new TV
2. You canbuy used newer TV and a head phone system. It doe snot ahve to be new

 

[USAmma]

You all are so great! Thanks for the laughs and understanding. He hasn't said a word about it since and I've tried harder to only watch TV or listen to the radio when he's not home. He's being so sweet about not getting any. He's desperate and I should just give him some one of these days soon. lol!

----------------------

About my allergies-- I've had them my whole life. Was getting shots for about 10 years and they can only help to a certain point and I reached that point and was on maintenance doses. My allergist is 40 min. away and that's too far for me to drive with a little one every week for shots and I'm just plain tired of getting them, esp. since they are not helping anymore. Most days I'm fine.

I can take Claritin which works but not every day since over time my body will get used to it and it will have less effect. I can take sudafed but it makes my heart rate go up and baby's too. Both of these will drain my ears when needed. They have been filled with fluid on and off through childhood and I've had a few infections but not in the last several years. I know when it starts getting real bad and will take the meds before they get infected. But most of the time I'm not bothered by it other than the TV/radio thing and don't wish to medicate myself without good reason. I'm already taking 2 daily asthma meds including a steriod inhaler right now for the pregnancy (asthma gets worse).

Have tried alternative therapies in the past and they didn't help much, sorry. :-( Just spent a lot of money.

Darshani

 

[indiegirl]

My dd has a moderate loss in both ears. She is aided now, but for a long time we had the TV at 35-40 so she could hear it. We did this because she needed those accomodations because she has a hearing problem.

When she has a problem, we help. We do this because we love her and want her to feel included.

So should your dh.

 

[Jane]

I hear you. Both my parents had hearing loss, so I grew up in a loud house. I like it loud. My husband feels the same way, but we get driven nuts when we go to friends' houses and the TV is so low I cannot make out the dialog or follow the plot. I seriously cannot do it.

I just looked. Right now, my TV is on 26. Nice and loud.

What amusing is that my mother is now a super-quiet TV person now that she has hearing aids. I cannot hear her TV and have to turn it way way up. I think only people with extra amplification could hear her TV, I swear.

I have used headphones, so has my mother. I used simple infared headphones. They don't work through walls and only work in line-of-sight, like a remote control. Total cost: $10, and they work with the jacks in the back, even on our OLD JCPenny TV. I bought a pair for my brother for christmas, he likes them when his family is bitching at him over the TV volume.
My mother had a fancy radio headset, works through walls and everything. She liked it because she didn't feel so out of touch after spending her nights rocking her babies to sleep and sitting in their rooms until they dropped off. And the kids didn't hear the language in the movies she rented. Little pitchers and all. The also worked in the jacks in the back of the tv. Total cost: $160 (about 6 years ago). My husband picked out the system, so he knows more about it than I do. I only know it was cool to be able to go sit on the porch or pull weeds and listen to the tv.

It sounds like you've got things figured out pretty well, but I couldn't resist throwing in my two cents.

 

[merpk]

Darshani, sounds like you've got it solved.

Just something to throw into the mix, though: Watching TV with closed captioning has been shown to speed up the learning-to-read process with both English-as-2nd-language folks and with children.

So you may still want to get the closed captioning happening anyway ...

(I know that statistic because I'm working at eventually getting a job as a captioner ... full disclosure ...

)