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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm all over the place today. I've been all over the place for weeks, but this past week has taken the cake. Every day I find out something else about him... affairs he has had, things he's said, lies he has told. Okay, none of that is new. Even the affairs, well these I suspected and people are telling me about them but they are still two, three, four years in the past. And I have no proof. I just deal every day.<br><br>
But a few weeks ago (I think three) I found four flash drives in his coat pocket in the closet. Didn't know what they were so I took them. Checked them out. It was almost all porn, no surprise there. The man is nothing if not completely addicted to pornography. On one of them though...<br><br>
Wait... back up just a hair. I've been with him almost 10 years, been separated three times, two of those times for substantial periods (4 months and 7 months) and I have known my whole relationship with him that he has obsessive tendencies. He was accused of stalking the girlfriend he had before me. I spent half of the 4-month separation in DV shelters because he was trailing me like a bloodhound. Anyway, he's big on voyeurism and is just... creepy, sometimes.<br><br>
So back to these flash drives. On one of them is a file folder, this folder is labeled with the name of one of his only female co-workers. Contained in this folder are 427 pictures, taken with his cell phone's camera, of this woman's rear end, clad in tight jeans, in every bent-over position, walking away position, sitting position, whatever, that you can imagine. They are mechanical engineers and electrical engineers so she spends a lot of time crawling under military vehicles, crawling around inside them, etc. It appears she didn't know she was being repeatedly photographed.<br><br>
I confronted him about it and of course, he says someone gave him that flash drive, he didn't take those pics. Now, one of them is a pic of her car, zoomed in on her license plate, clearly taken from behind the wheel of our pickup truck, so YES that is him! He blows it off, I pretend I've gotten rid of the flash drive, and for the next couple of weeks I try very hard to live with my suspicions.<br><br>
This morning I was awake very early and when he went into the shower (we have separate bedrooms and computers) I ran into his room and checked his phone. Not only are there dozens MORE of these shots, but there are texts from her too. They aren't suggestive, they just look like friends chatting, but there's hard-core porn on his phone as well as these shots - many of them taken while he was apparently standing in front of her with his phone at waist level, repeatedly clicking the photo-button to get shots of her jeans-clad front section.<br><br>
So after he went to work, I hacked his computer.<br><br>
There are now over 780 pictures there. I have no doubt there will be more this afternoon. Some are face shots. Some cleavage. Some rear end (mostly). Some down front. All of her. All taken since the first week of March.<br><br>
I do not know how in the world I can deal with this. The words "obsessed" and "stalker" keep coming to mind. I truly don't think she knows he's taking these pictures, due to the angle and repetition on them. Oh, there's a couple more of her car, too. What next... will he follow her home? Photos of her house, maybe? I know he's probably done online searches through DMV based on her license plate. My god... what kind of sicko is my husband???<br><br>
What do I do about this?????<br><br>
Obviously if I can find someone to report this to, he'll lose his job. That would be terrible for us financially but to be honest, that's not really top of my priority list. If he's taking these and she doesn't know, almost <i>a thousand pictures</i>, (which it will probably be by the end of next week) she may very well hit him with a sexual harassment lawsuit.<br><br>
Do you think he could go to jail?<br><br>
My god, I am so conflicted. Earlier today I was just really pissed off. Then I was depressed. Now... I am incredibly freaked out as the enormity of this hit me. 780 pictures of her butt, her crotch, her panty-line as she bends over, her license plates... I am scared. And I don't know how to be cool about it when he gets home. I want to launch myself, screaming, into his face and demand to know how he can be such a psycho and expect me to be OKAY with that?? I can't, though.<br><br>
Please, someone, some advice, please. I'm scared. Maybe it's stupid, he's obviously not obsessed with me... but he's sick, obviously sick.<br><br>
I am so sorry for venting like this... I don't know what to do....
 

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That is scary, I am so sorry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Can you get away from him ASAP? I am not sure what to tell you about the pics, maybe someone here will have better advice <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Holy crap. That's seriously messed up. I would copy the hard drive and bring it in and talk to his boss and his coworker. He needs to be fired and he probably needs to be in patient in a psych ward even if he isn't sent to jail. That is really kind of scary.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I just wish I knew where to turn, who to talk to.... I mean, if you discover that someone is obsessed with or stalking you, there's resources: police, restraining orders, etc. But when you discover that your husband is obsessed with someone else???<br><br>
Against what I really wanted to do, I went back through them (I have them all on memory stick now). Truly, every single one appears to be candid. She looks absolutely unaware. And, because my husband is apparently pretty stupid, he didn't erase any of the properties on the photos, so each one has the date and time it was taken plus the make and model of the camera phone. But I can't be sure she is unaware... I guess I need to try and play it cool? Sneak more looks at his phone to make sure they're not getting fresh in the text messages? That is really risky, for me.<br><br>
This is really wayyyy beyond anything he's done before. A thought in my head was, "What if I confront him? What might he do to me to avoid getting in trouble?" Then I tell myself, no, you're just being stupid again...<br><br>
This crap is gonna make me sick...
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Does anyone think calling a domestic violence help line would help? Maybe a professional opinion... he's home now, and the only way I could NOT freak out when he came over and tried to kiss me :)Puke) was to immediately excuse myself to the bathroom. Where I had to take half a clonazepam to get through the evening... I hate doing this!
 

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I want to offer a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> and to let you know I am thinking of you.
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this. How crappy and scary.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I guess if you don't want to go straight to the police about it, you could try calling the domestic violence hotline.<br><br><br>
Honestly, I'd be terrified if he did follow her home one day, and God Forbid did something that made police get involved and then you end up getting charged with accessory to some kind of crime...<br><br>
I think you have no choice but to talk to someone in some kind of authority about this. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
 

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can you give all of this directly to his coworker? then she can decide what to do about it. you can say, "i thought you might be unaware that this was going on, and you have a right to know." and leave it at that. no judgment, so that if somehow it is mutual (which is extremely unlikely, but whatever) then no harm is done. you haven't humiliated her by taking it to her boss or the police. but since presumably he is doing all of this without her knowledge or consent, then you've given her the evidence and she can take it to the police or whatever she wants to do.<br><br>
i'm so sorry. despite what you already knew and/or suspected about him, this must be devastating. if he loses his job or goes to jail or . . . whatever the consequences are - they are <i>his</i> to bear. it's not your fault if he gets in trouble for this.
 

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Really, mama, wow... My ex husband was obsessed with porn and obsessed with women's feet in a similar way. I'd find thousands of pictures of women through webcams cached on his computer - many times of their feet, which he'd get them to show him. He'd spend money on that ind of thing, and porn was not okay with me. He'd sit in front of the computer and get himself off though, for hours at a time - then sleep on the sofa. He'd barely ever sleep in bed with me or even acknowledge my existence though and had obsessions with "other" types of sex when he would come and want to be intimate - which was NOT very often. He too preferred porn over the real thing.<br><br>
Anyway yes, he almost killed me several times before I left him. Very scary guy.<br><br>
Your husband sounds like a very strange person...I mean really, who takes almost a thousand pictures of someone unaware and is "normal?" The answer I think you know: nobody... This is creepy and very, very wrong.<br><br>
Let's just look at this from a logical standpoint: all you've seen are pictures, some of them by accident. Realistically, this is the tip of the iceberg...there's probably a lot more you don't know about - probably the scarier stuff. Can you be sure he's actually not taking personal items of hers, for examples, even if they're just pop bottles she's drank from or sandwich wrappers she's handled? Stalking - which is definitely is - tends to escalate.<br><br>
Here are some links on stalking:<br><br><a href="http://www.obsessive-ex.com/relationships/stalking/index.html" target="_blank">http://www.obsessive-ex.com/relation...ing/index.html</a><br><a href="http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/default.htm" target="_blank">http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/default.htm</a><br><br>
Here are some more with references to photos:<br><br><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200601/s1554116.htm" target="_blank">http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems...1/s1554116.htm</a><br><a href="http://deanofstudents.unc.edu/index.php/educational-programming-mainmenu-82/49-stalkiing/93-you-are-engaging-in-stalking-behavior-if-.html" target="_blank">http://deanofstudents.unc.edu/index....avior-if-.html</a><br><br>
Now, imagine you were her. What would you do if you found out about this behavior? Isn't it scary to imagine that you don't know - that this other person is SO sneaky and manipulative that he has managed to take almost 1000 pictures of you, mostly of your crotch, without your knowledge? What would you think the other person was doing with them? That other person is pretending to be your friend...texting you, engaging in a friendship with you, and at the same time obsessively taking pictures of your crotch... That's so frikken creepy it would probably send you running, screaming, out of the building, would it not?<br><br>
What if your abusive husband, who is stalking this woman, takes it to the next level and hurts or even kills her? If I were you, I'd get yourself on autopilot, with the zip drives, down to the police station RIGHT AWAY. Seriously mama, this guy probably belongs in jail and certainly belongs in a mental ward. Letting him get away with this crap and turning a blind eye is helping nobody... Get him the heck out of your life, and for goodness sakes, tell the cops!<br><br>
I can guarantee they will NOT think you're crazy. I can pretty much guarantee they will file criminal charges against him immediately. And I can also pretty much guarantee that when they start investigating this, there will be a horrifying amount that you never knew about that will come to the surface...<br><br>
*HUGE hugs* XXXXX
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">can you give all of this directly to his coworker? then she can decide what to do about it. you can say, "i thought you might be unaware that this was going on, and you have a right to know." and leave it at that. no judgment, so that if somehow it is mutual (which is extremely unlikely, but whatever) then no harm is done. you haven't humiliated her by taking it to her boss or the police. but since presumably he is doing all of this without her knowledge or consent, then you've given her the evidence and she can take it to the police or whatever she wants to do.<br><br>
i'm so sorry. despite what you already knew and/or suspected about him, this must be devastating. if he loses his job or goes to jail or . . . whatever the consequences are - they are <i>his</i> to bear. it's not your fault if he gets in trouble for this.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"> if you know her name, maybe you can call there at work and schedule some kind of time to talk with her about it...if he's not hanging around her. Maybe you could meet her (at lunchtime?) somewhere out of the workplace.<br><br>
The other thing I was going to say is to ask if you can quickly get some kind of emergency finances together for you and the kids before you do this.
 

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Oh gosh, that is beyond creepy. It's completely chilling.<br>
As far as legalities go, I'm not 100 percent sure. I know that when puts themselves in public view, like out at a park or on the street, it is legal to photograph them. But I'm pretty sure that there are laws relating to taking sexual photos without someone's knowledge.<br>
Legality aside, it is beyond creeped out. I'm sure it would get him fired from his job, and especially with an abusive past, there's no way I could stay with him.<br>
Do you have a place to go? Would you be willing to go to a DV shelter? And if you turned in the photos, are you worried about him retaliating?<br>
Also, I don't think I would dump this on the woman's lap. I don't think that would be fair to her -- it puts her in a situation where she has to decide if she wants to get a coworker fired (or rather, I mean, she could perceive it that way.) If you give it to anyone, it should be either the police or his boss.
 

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And also, I have to say this even though it makes me want to puke -- what he's doing is on the spectrum of sexual violence. And I bet he's fantasizing about actually committing sexual violence. Stalking and voyeurism are a step on the ladder to actual rape.<br>
I just don't think I could let this go.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
First.... thank you for your replies.<br><br>
I talked to my step-daughter, his daughter who has absolutely NO relationship with him because she knows him far too well. She is strong and smart and engaged to an attorney (not family law, but he still knows law). She gave me a lot of advice and calmed me down considerably, but I have to admit I am still scared to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Cuss.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cuss"> death!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JayJay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15430567"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">...porn was not okay with me.</div>
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Believe me, it's not okay with me either. Most family men have pics of their children and family on their cellphones, maybe their cars or whatever... my husband, with three small kids at home, has VERY hard core porn and these pictures on his. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JayJay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15430567"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">He'd sit in front of the computer and get himself off though, for hours at a time - then sleep on the sofa. He'd barely ever sleep in bed with me or even acknowledge my existence though... He too preferred porn over the real thing.<br><br>
Anyway yes, he almost killed me several times before I left him. Very scary guy.</div>
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D sleeps in his own room but it used to be the sofa. I haven't let him touch me in a long time, though, using the excuse I don't want to get pregnant again. I am more than ever opposed to it now, though.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JayJay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15430567"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Can you be sure he's actually not taking personal items of hers, for examples, even if they're just pop bottles she's drank from or sandwich wrappers she's handled? Stalking - which is definitely is - tends to escalate.</div>
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His "voyeurism" with taking the pictures surely has escalated. A hundred-fold, apparently. And no, I don't know for sure he isn't taking this stuff, or won't soon be.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JayJay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15430567"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Now, imagine you were her. What would you do if you found out about this behavior? Isn't it scary to imagine that you don't know - that this other person is SO sneaky and manipulative that he has managed to take almost 1000 pictures of you, mostly of your crotch, without your knowledge? What would you think the other person was doing with them? That other person is pretending to be your friend...texting you, engaging in a friendship with you, and at the same time obsessively taking pictures of your crotch... That's so frikken creepy it would probably send you running, screaming, out of the building, would it not?<br><br>
What if your abusive husband, who is stalking this woman, takes it to the next level and hurts or even kills her? If I were you, I'd get yourself on autopilot, with the zip drives, down to the police station RIGHT AWAY. Seriously mama, this guy probably belongs in jail and certainly belongs in a mental ward. Letting him get away with this crap and turning a blind eye is helping nobody... Get him the heck out of your life, and for goodness sakes, tell the cops!</div>
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This is EXACTLY what K, the stepdaughter, told me. Only I can't go to the police, we only have one car (in my dad's name - NOT community property - thank the Goddess) and he has it with him. She said to call them anyway and they either might send someone to me or perhaps I could make an excuse to keep the truck next time he goes to work and go then to make a formal statement.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JayJay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15430567"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And I can also pretty much guarantee that when they start investigating this, there will be a horrifying amount that you never knew about that will come to the surface...</div>
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I know. It chokes me with horror, but I know. D is 51 years old and has never, ever been made accountable for the crap he's pulled. Either with me, or anyone else. If karma decides right now is time for the bill to be paid, I think it may add up to be one very large bill.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15431003"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">As far as legalities go, I'm not 100 percent sure. I know that when puts themselves in public view, like out at a park or on the street, it is legal to photograph them. But I'm pretty sure that there are laws relating to taking sexual photos without someone's knowledge.</div>
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Well, this is not precisely in public. Firstly, they are on private property (military installation). They are civilian contractors working for a Department of Defense company on an army post. Secondly they are at work, and I believe it's the responsibility of an employer to protect a safe working environment for their employees. And yes, these can be considered of a sexual nature, the sheer number of them notwithstanding.<br><br>
K mentioned that I should absolutely not be the one to lay this on the woman. I should contact the police and they should be the one to contact her and the employer directly.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>*MamaJen*</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15431025"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">what he's doing is on the spectrum of sexual violence. And I bet he's fantasizing about actually committing sexual violence. Stalking and voyeurism are a step on the ladder to actual rape.<br>
I just don't think I could let this go.</div>
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I believe this constitutes a form of sexual assault, as well.<br><br>
Then there's the issue of the kiddie porn on his computer. I can't prove they are underage teens, but if they're not, they are portraying themselves as such for the benefit of the viewer, and I believe it amounts to the same thing. (At least if there is no disclaimer.)<br><br>
One other thing, I didn't want to mention this yesterday, I guess with everything else it was just one too many things to digest, but he views porn with my toddler son on his lap, facing the screen. He's done this before with my other son too, as a baby. I don't recall him doing that with my daughter though I believe there may have been a molestation when I was working and he was caring for them each day. She was two, in diapers, and said some things to me... I can't repeat them, they'll be wayyyy too much, I think. I can't prove it so I never acted on it, and it was 2 years ago. She doesn't remember it now.<br><br>
But viewing porn with a young child on your lap is also child sexual abuse.<br><br>
That much I know.<br><br>
K is calling a police friend to ask some "hypothetical" anonymous questions so I can have a better idea of what to expect.<br><br>
I do not have a place to go, rent money for next month, a job or any resources in this area. My kids are homeschooled and right now I don't even have detergent to wash my little boy's diapers. This is not a good time, but considering the problem, I don't think there ever would be.<br><br>
I am not averse to a shelter provided I can get someone to care for my cats. If he gets arrested, however, he has family members who will bail him out. And ladies, I am scared of what happens then. As I've said, he's never paid for his sins. He's said before he'd kill himself before he went to prison. What if he comes after me when he finds out I can send him there?<br><br>
So my short-term plan would be to see if I can get a DV shelter to refer me to another shelter out of state. I know they can do that (I tried it before but couldn't make it out that time). That's only if he goes to jail though.<br><br>
I will try to keep you posted. This sucks.
 

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I think this is the time to leave him, especially considering what very much looks like sexually abusive behavior towards your children.<br>
I think going to the police and asking for a referral to a shelter is the smartest and most ethical move. It will take courage but it's the right thing to do.<br>
He will probably lose his job and he will likely not be able to support you, but there are resources out there. You'll probably have to apply for public assistance and/or find work. But if you don't have the money for detergent, it doesn't sound like he's doing a very good job providing for you anyway.<br>
I know I'd be freaking out, but keep breathing and this will all work out. Remember, you're not the one who did anything wrong.<br>
Stay safe, mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
He keeps texting me, saying he wants to go fishing tomorrow, because he knows (in better times) this was our favorite family activity (and camping, too). K is on her phone talking to a criminal investigator on the military post, because military police originally said although the crime is being <i>committed</i> on post, the evidence is being stored here. They said the first report would have to be with my local police.<br><br>
I live in a tiny town not even big enough to be called a suburb. The police force consists of 4 part-time officers and an incompentent chief. There's not even a dispatcher. The chief refuses to work with me, he just wants me to go to the county sheriff since the crime isn't being committed here.<br><br>
K is really going to bat for me. If things work out, I will say to him tomorrow that I am going to meet K for lunch with the kids - literally the only way I will be able to get out of the house without him. I cannot so much as get a gallon of milk without him accompanying me, at least if I take the kids. If I leave the kids with him (kinda like hostages) I can go somewhere, but... if I say I am meeting K, he'll get disgusted and won't go.<br><br>
She is going to meet me and accompany me to whatever police office we need to go to. Hopefully they will either turn the investigation into an arrest that day when we aren't there or Monday when he's at work.<br><br>
The military police were not messing around. She asked hypothetical questions and they immediately wanted to know who this was. Serious stuff, they said. Just with the little they were told, there's a possible list of felonies that will assure him jail time.<br><br>
This is getting scarier and more serious than my mind thought it would, a lot faster too.
 

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How scary. This just might be your way out though. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I hope you are able to use this as your way to escape this unhealthy relationship, both for yourself and your DC.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Just trying to get through the weekend without alerting him that something is amiss. This is pretty difficult.<br><br>
I could not get anyone to take the report yesterday. The Chief of Police in my piddly little town actually laughed and said he doesn't think there's a crime being committed, and if there is, it's for the military police to handle (and of course, the military police already said start with the town cops due to the fact that D and his obsession are both civilian contractors). When alerted to the fact that there might be teen porn on D's computer, Chief said it's probably consenting adult women doing their hair in ponytails, you know how that goes.<br><br>
Told about the fact that D views porn with my very young son in his lap, Chief said it's not a crime. Give your kids beer and cigarettes, watch porn with them, whatever, they're YOUR kids and you're not hurting them, but if someone has a problem with it, then call CPS and see what they say. <b>I am not exaggerating, this is what my town's Police Chief said.</b> I've been in touch with CPS about this type of thing already, and worse, even. D used to view porn with my now 7-year old son on his lap. They <i>know</i>, and they are less than useless in this kind of situation. Give them a broken bone, a few lighter-burns or obvious sexual assault, and they're all about helping. Something like this, though, with no "proof"? Yeah, not wasting my time with that again.<br><br>
So that's where I am. Trying to get through the weekend. On Monday I try the county Sherriff. If that doesn't work, I will keep the only vehicle we have one day next week, disconnect his computer and take it directly to the military police. Then they can't say the "evidence" is in my town therefore not their jurisdiction.<br><br>
Somehow, he has to answer for this.
 

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Ugh - sounds like your local police chief 'enjoys' the same activities as your h <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Dismissing all of that behaviour as fine is disgusting <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br>
It has to be hard pretending that nothing is amiss but that is the best thing to do until everything is in order.<br><br>
Can K drive out to you while he is at work and help you take his computer in to the military police? If you talk to the sheriff on Monday and get nowhere could she be there with you and get it done right away? With the police chief's attitude I would hate for word of what you are doing to somehow get back to your h - the sooner you get this done, the better. With all she is doing to help you I am sure K would be willing to take a day off work for a family emergency to help you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Please remember to log out of MDC each time you visit and change your password first. You have to keep yourself safe and not risk him finding what you have written here.
 

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Thinking of you. This whole thing is horrifying. I can't believe the police chief.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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