[stellarae]

i am having the hardest time here at home and im at my wits end at this point. i need a lot of help.

a month ago my sil and nephew moved in with my family. the point was to give them a way out of a small town with no opportunity and for my family to have some interaction with family since we live 3000 miles away from everyone we know due to a job transfer.

they have had a rough past and my nephew has had some major behavioral problems since i can remember. he almost 7 now, i met him when he was almost 1 and by the time he was 2 he was acting out constantly. over the years it has progressed, gotten worse. his father is someone we really dont even acknowledge... he hasnt wanted to be in his life and the guy is just a real jerk all around. his mom had some drug problems and he was raised by his grandparents for the first couple years of his life. i understand completely where the problems stemmed from...

the problem is that i was told that he was doing much much better. that he was able to handle himself, that things were great. silly me, i expected that when they came over here - of course with a transitional period.

the truth is that he is acting out exactly the same as he was before. his behavior hasnt changed and its really making my home life miserable. i have a 3 year old son who is so compassionate and sweet and he just wants to make things better and this boy is a monster to him sometimes. he takes his toys, hits him, tells him to do things so that my son will get in trouble, he is coaching our son to curse and say rude things...
and thats not to mention his complete lack of regard for our home and the things in it. ive had to tell him a million times so far to not jump on our furniture. but just this morning guess what he was doing? he has awful manners and is rude to my husband and i... and his mom. ive never heard a kid so rude in my life. he even kind of taunted my mil that her mom had died. i mean, what kind of a kid does that?!

it could be that i was raised in a very strict home and i would have been black and blue if i had the kind of behavior that he does... therefore im not tolerant of it, but honestly i dont care where it comes from, the fact is that he is completely disturbing the peace of my home.

i care for the kid a lot. i mean, i helped take care of him for years and im back at it again. there is no lack of love for him, but the fact that he is totally disturbing my home, my children (i have a 3 week old baby who is probably sick of hearing all the yelling my nephew does... she has definitely shown signs of stress since coming home) are suffering... i am just about to lose it!

his mom threatens discipline all the time, but when it comes time to follow through she never does. he is glued to his nintendo ds constantly, he is allowed to play games outside even when she has told him he lost the privilege, he is allowed to go wherever we do no matter what his behavior has been. any consequence she sets (having to stay home for bad behavior, losing his video games, etc.) she ignores come time to enforce it.

and i feel helpless in my own home because of it. i will tell him to do something and he rolls his eyes at me and ignores me. and then i have no idea what form of discipline is appropriate and even if i did, i dont know that his mom would allow it to be carried out. ive tried before and she just reverses whatever i say. last night i told him he had to leave the table until we were done eating because he was being incredibly rude and she brought him back in about a minute later. he constantly sees my own authority in my home being overwritten so he thinks im a joke.

part of me thinks that im expecting too much from him, but another part of me screams that i would have never acted the way he does and if something doesnt change immediately that it wont change. my husband feels the same way about his behavior. we just werent allowed to be rude like our nephew is.

in the first week i knew i didnt want them to stay. its not just my nephew, its losing our own privacy in our home and honestly, i feel a bit taken advantage of because when it comes to paying an equal share for things both my husband and my sil think that its not necessary. to me, i dont want to be paying for them to live here and me to be miserable, my kids to be miserable, my husband to be miserable....

but my sil said that she would put up with anything - even his awful behavior - to be able to stay here. the problem is that she isnt putting up with it... i am! and its going to get so much worse in just a couple months when he is out of school. then im going to have to take care of him constantly. im dreading it. in fact, right now i dread 3:30 when he gets home because i know my totally calm, peaceful home will become a circus. the weekends are even worse. last week he was screaming at his mom for about 2 hours about his @*&(@#% gameboy when we were trying to wind down for bed.

my husband wants to give it a bit longer since its only been a month and he thinks that my nephews behavior will improve. if he was only acting out here i would agree, but his school has taken pretty drastic steps already, too. he has to go to counseling there already. and he has had negative note after negative note sent home about him acting out. at this rate i wouldnt be surprised if he was kicked out of the school before summer hit.

i just dont know what to do. i grew up in a very volatile home. there was never any peace. when i left at 17 i knew what i wanted and ive worked since then to make a very peaceful home. its been hard and ive had to change myself a lot. but its been so worth it. i had my peaceful home up until a month ago. its one of the most important things to me and its been taken away by this little kid. i cant help resenting him for it and i know thats irrational and wrong. speaking of irrational, he brought home a cold and got my whole family, including my 2 week old baby, sick and i was so peeved at him for that. i knew it was irrational but i couldnt help being mad and knowing that if he werent here it wouldnt have happened. i just dont think i can take this.... my patience has worn thin, im snapping at my son... poor thing has handled so much in the last month. he got a new baby sister, two new people moved in with us, his grandma visited and left, his dad had to go back to work after taking a small vacation... and he has done so incredibly well. im so proud of him.

im just so sick of rules being shirked, the yelling (sil yells right back at my nephew and at my son sometimes) the lack of peace. oh, and one more thing, when i do discipline my nephew, my sil goes after my son more actively. she will get onto him about things that are just ridiculous. i dont think she does it on purpose, but her mother instinct kicks in and says "if someone is going to get at my son, ill get at theirs" i dont know.... but it ticks me off.

what do i do? do i send them packing? because im so close to doing that. this was supposed to be something to help everyone, but it seems like the only one being helped is my sil who uses our brand new car every day (now i have no vehicle at home) has more help with her son and dog (dh ends up taking the dog out more than she does, that irritates me), can go to school and do whatever because dh and i will be watching her son when she leaves. the benefits for us are solely monetary since any family interaction we have is negative. and honestly we dont need the money enough to warrant our lives being turned upside down. especially since she isnt even paying very much anyhow. i mean, what late-20's adult thinks that they can live for $200 a month? is that ridiculous to anyone else? because it is to me. dh and i worked incredibly hard to be where we are right now... we arent doing amazing, but we get by and we did that for ourselves. the first 2 years of my sons life i was practically a single parent because dh had to work full time and go to school full time, and at one point he was working two jobs and going to school. we sacrificed a lot and it wasnt easy for either of us. i am perfectly willing to help someone make positive changes in their life, but not at the expense of my own family.

i dont know.... what point do i draw the line? what can i do about my nephew in the meantime? i hate to talk about it like that, but right now he really is a distraction in my home and raising two children is a hard enough job without having to be the one to fix a nearly 7 year olds behavior problems. am i totally selfish and wrong for feeling that way? what discipline is appropriate for someone his age? we need something that works. we arent into punishment, definitely not okay with hitting a child ever... which im assuming most mothers here agree with... so what options do we have when he laughs off time outs and continues the behavior afterward?

thanks for reading, letting me vent and in advance for any advice.

 

[Jenne]

I didn't want to read and not respond...

I'm NMY but I did have my "terror"

of a nephew live with me so I could homeschool him. He's a sweet kid who had a crappy life. I'm sure your nephew is similar...

I don't know what part of the country you are in but maybe they have a Regional Intervention Program that could help? http://www.ripnetwork.org/expansion_%20sites/nash.htm

It seems like all the adults need to get on the same page in terms of the behavior that is expected and acceptable. I'm sure your son and your nephew are overwhelmed at the mixed messages. You could frame it as it being unfair to your nephew (cause it is!) to have rules be wishywashy. You might try just coming up with 3 (framed positively) like 1) follow directions 2) hands to self 3) quiet voice and totaly ease up on further stuff (most things will fall under #1 anyway) and then coming up with acceptable consequences for violating them.

If your nephew is being required by the school to go to a counselor you might also look into getting him some therapy outside of school with a play therapist. It sounds like from your description, and I'm not a diagnostician, that he may, like my nephew did, have attachment disorder.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/pare...t_disorder.htm

It can be really hard to love and parent a child in your home who is not "yours" but bottomline it is your home. You may have to step up and be a parent to both your SIL and your nephew to get some peace. It's okay if you want them to leave and it's okay if you make them leave. You need to do what is right for your family. It's okay to insist that electronics be off except from 3:30-4:30pm if there was a good day at school. It's okay to insist from everyone that there be no yelling. It's okay to help her find her own place to live.

You are being reasonable in wanting things to be different.

Jenne

 

[sebandg'smama]

I am so sorry you are going through all this.

I think that it is great that you want to help out your sil and nephew.

Have you and your dh had a sit down with them and laid out the expectations of your home?

 

[alisoncooks]

I'm so sorry that this is going on in your home. It's stressful enough to a family to bring home a new baby...and even more so 2 extra people...but a child w/ behavioral issues!!!

I don't have any good advice. I did just wanna chime in with my sympathy. I do think that a sit-down family meeting (w/ SIL and N) to lay out the rules of the house/expectations is a must. This should include consequences for specific behaviors and who can implement them. Honestly laying all this out for your SIL may be necessary. She knows how he's acting and isn't doing her job as a mother. I would def let her know that x and y are unacceptable and cannot be allowed in this home.

I hope it all works out. It is great to have family available for your children...and even better to have like-minded and responsible family.

 

[mamarootoo]

are you and your husband on the same page?

i think if i were in this situation, i would work with my husband to identify the major issues (not things like jumping on the furniture, but like the PP said, things like following directions, hands to self etc.) and write them down. then bring SIL in, explain that you want to try and make things work, but at this point everything is *not* where it needs to be. i would explain that we (dh and i) need some guidance on how to discipline N if we are going to be taking care of him.
i would want to set up some consequences that would be followed through on, and explain that we wanted to follow SIL's discipline style, but we weren't sure what that was. SIL might not realize that this behavior is disrupting your family. you need to make sure she knows, so she has a chance to fix it. i kind of doubt that will happen, but at least giving her a chance would be good karma, right?

i would probably give it a couple more weeks, and then help her look for a new place. maybe pick up some paperwork for public assistance?

i'm so sorry you're in this situation...

 

[Tdunahoo]

I agree with PPs. I would sit down with SIL and say "listen, I love you and DN but his negative behavior is not ok in my home and we need to come to an agreement to make your stay with us pleasant or this is not going to work". Come up with a list of rules and how to enforce them and tell her that she needs to back you when you do discipline your nephew. She may not want to hear it but she is living at your house and you're taking care of her child so she needs to help you out. If things still don't change once the rules are in place and been discussed then she needs to leave (and let her know that too).

I'm sorry you're going through this, its just awful! Hopefully some changes can be made and you can get your peaceful home back.

 

[IdahoMom]

Combining households is very hard under the best of circumstances. In my experience, having clear rules and a plan does a lot for your psyche. How long will she be there? Is she working on getting out? She needs to set a timeline, and it helps to agree on who disciplines whom and how.

I've had one instance of family living with us (with one child) that really went very well. Another (with multiple children) that was very miserable. What I learned from it is that if all parties can't come to mutually acceptable agreements, and mostly learn to respect each other and work hard at being considerate, it really really really really sucks.

Good luck, I hope you can all make it work.

 

[stellarae]

thank you guys for the support. i knew it would help me feel better, and it has. there are some great suggestions in here that i will be discussing with dh tonight and addressing with sil this weekend when everyone is home.

we have talked about expectations and goals, but i dont think we really hit an understanding since things are the way they are. i think another talk, more serious this time, is in order.

i really like the idea of having a "no electronics" rule for the house for the majority of the day. the tv has been on non-stop since they got here and im starting to almost want to use it as a crutch as well. i mean, ive not been the ideal parent when it comes to keeping my son away from the tv, but we try to watch educational things (excuses, excuses - right?

) but its on from early in the morning when they get up until i turn it off and then its back on again once my nephew gets home from school.
now, dh and i have certain shows we enjoy watching a lot and we like to watch a movie on the weekends, but that is done after my nephews bedtime (when he makes it in bed by his bedtime) so it really wouldnt have an effect on his watching.
and it would give him clear rules about when he could play his video games.
we will definitely be enforcing that asap.

the thing is as much as he gets at me, i really do love the kid. back when we were dating i lived with dh and his parents for a while and then i was over there quite a bit after i had my own place. i helped take care of him and my husband has been about as much of a father figure as he has ever had. we desperately care about him, which it might not have seemed like in my first post. that is where i feel so conflicted. i want to help him because i know we might be his only chance, but i dont want to do so at the expense of my family's peace and happiness.

dh is so worried because he saw kids acting like my nephew back when he was a kid and they turned into adults who did nothing... he doesnt want that for our nephew.

thanks for all the advice... im going to take it all to heart and try to apply it as best i can. if my sil doesnt want to go along with it then i will have to try to help her either move back in with her parents (thats where they were living before moving here) or find a place of her own. i want it to work because i think it could really benefit my nephew to have structure and a father figure, especially one like my husband - he is an amazing father.

what kinds of consequences do you guys set up for your older children? my sil has my nephew stand in the corner for about a minute or two, but as soon as she leaves the room he is out of it. it rarely seems to be fitting to the reason he is standing there in the first place.

for my son a time out where he calms down works wonders, but he is 3 and he has more respect for why he is on time out in the first place. i dont see it working for my nephew just yet.

also, how far in advance is too far when it comes to losing privileges? is it okay to set a consequence of losing a privilege that wont happen for another week or two, like a special outing or something like that? (like the community egg hunt that happens saturday or other things like that)
when i was a kid my parents were extremely strict and i would lose privileges months in advance, but i also dont want to follow in those footsteps. i remember not even remembering why i had lost certain privileges because too long had gone by.

 

[BoringTales]

What a hard situation.

I think your husband probably needs to have a serious talk with his sister. She either needs to make her child enforce the rules and reinforce YOUR authority in your own home, or she needs to find other arrangements. That just wouldn't be ok with me.

I'd imagine that she's probably just really, really, REALLY worn out right now. If you are at your wit's end after a month, imagine living with that day in and day out for seven YEARS. Holy cow.

I can kind of understand why she is the way she is. What she needs to realize though is that she isn't doing her child any favors by letting these behaviors go unaddressed. Having an ally in you and her brother will probably be really, really helpful.

I'd definitely start out the conversation with how much you love and care for her son, and how concerned you are about him. Give her some ideas about other things to try, get her feedback on them. Ask her what she thinks of making it clear that you and your husband ARE authority figures in the home and that while in your home your nephew needs to respect that. Help encourage her to stay consistant. Help her come up with a list of rules and consequences for breaking the rules. Some kind of a sticker or magnet chart might help. At 7, he needs to see his own role in the consequences. If you just start enforcing rules after having 7 years with none, all he will likely see if you are your husband as the 'bad guys', kwim?

Having a tangible reward/consequence system would probably really, really help.

That, or call Nanny 911!

 

[stellarae]

haha... i told dh that we needed jo frost up in here. he was like "who?"

i feel really bad for my sil, too. she came from a very tough situation and has totally turned her life around. and considering that i have bonded so much with my kids in such a short amount of time (respectively) the fact that she wasnt even living with her son for the first couple years of his life, her parents had custody of him... i feel for her so much. there are so many moments that she missed and i know she hates that.

i do sometimes forget to allow for the fact that she is really worn out after all this time of doing everything she can to make up for lost time. she came home the day she found out he had to go to counseling at school and she was so sad. it has to be so hard to have to deal with that and to feel solely responsible like i know she does.
thanks for reminding me to consider that, too.

im definitely the "bad guy" of the house to my nephew because im the one laying down the rules and saying "no" to behavior that isnt acceptable. i think he rebels against what i say even more than my sil or dh because of that.

ive been planning on starting some sort of a chart system. i think it would really help with my son, too, for certain things. my kids no saint, for sure! i mean, he is looking like it in comparison, but we definitely have our moments. ill have to look into starting it sooner rather than later.

 

[dulce de leche]

First of all, I think you are awesome. It is clear that you love your family, and that you are doing everything you can to help them. I also agree that you should be able to have boundaries with your dn's behavior.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't use any rewards/punishments, either. However, it seems that your dn doesn't feel connected to any of the adults in his life right now, and I think that focusing on ways to punish him for not meeting your expectations is only going to exacerbate that. Right now, he isn't trying to please you because he doesn't care enough about your feelings. If you can strengthen your connection and relationship with him, I think a lot of the misbehavior will disappear.

Perhaps you can find ways to show him that you like him and care about him. I would also try to avoid punishments that will weaken any sense of relationship he does have. Pam Leo's Connection Parenting site has some great articles and practical tips that might help. www.connectionparenting.com

 

[stellarae]

i hadnt even thought of it in those terms... he really doesnt make an effort to impress anyone and that is a complete night and day difference from my son who wants approval (and gets it) from dh and me.

dh has been working at building a relationship with our nephew (rebuilding, really, since we were both there for him a lot in his younger life, but then moved out of the state) and i have been a bit frustrated by that because i felt like connecting with him is fine but boundaries have to be set and consequences enforced.

maybe my main problem has been comparing what was expected of me in my childhood to what is expected of my nephew and how things were handled when those expectations werent met. where my parents were too strict his mom is too relaxed about things. finding a happy medium is really hard.

thank you for putting it in those terms... fostering a better relationship with him first does make more sense in the long run. of course i want peace right now, but out of the big picture i want him to be a happy kid who turns into a respectable and responsible adult.

ill check that website. connecting with him is going to be hard since he really pushes people away and looks for negative attention.

 

[phathui5]

Quote:

then im going to have to take care of him constantly.

Is his mother working? Are you providing childcare?

 

[stellarae]

his mom is working, along with my dh and i stay at home with my ds and dd. she is planning on going to school sometime soon and already has an online-type class that she is working on right now.

i will get a trial-run of how things will work out for his spring break in a week or so... im definitely not looking forward to that.

 

[stellarae]

also... how do you recommend approaching the subject of how sil deals with my son? i really feel the need to be cautious, i dont know why exactly, but i know that just outright saying that she isnt handling him right is going to cause a problem.

it also feels weird since im, at the same time, basically telling her that her son has to listen to dh and me but i want her to back off of dealing with my son.

she just is very.... verbal? she raises her voice far too much and my son will not ever respond to that so she gets even more upset with him and just talks louder. i keep dropping hints by talking to dh about how well he does when you get down to his level and look him in the eye (not in a intimidating way) and explain why something is right or wrong. she hasnt gotten it, though.

basically right now as long as something he does isnt hurting someone else or something we own im not getting onto him about little things because of all the transitions he is having to make. im okay with him touching the dog's bowl or things like that, but she is really trying to crack down on him. again, i think its because we are actually enforcing rules with her son, so im kind of lost on how to deal with it.

there is a huge difference between a three year old and a nearly seven year old and their abilities when it comes to comprehension and recollection. she is actually more strict with our son than she is with her own.

man... during the day i was getting to a point where i thought it would work. now that they are home im just right back to hating it and wanting this over as soon as possible. ugh.