help for abusive 18mo

All I can think of is possibly redirecting his attention...when you suspect he's about to bite or pinch, try to divert his attention elsewhere. My son has been a big thrower since he was about a year old. Sometimes he directs at others, sometimes he just throws in whatever direction feels good in the moment. It's never malicious, though, just like your son...he just does it to get attention or just to have fun. We'd either ignore the behavior or if he was putting others in danger then we'd try to get him interested in a toy or game. Most of the time it works, sometimes we have to simply remove him from the situation. There really is no simple solution, unfortunately...you've just gotta figure out what works for him and flow with it. Another idea is to hold his hands together when he's trying to pinch or putting your hand over his mouth when he's going in for a bite...a version of nonviolent resistance That'll let him know in a nonviolent, pro-active way that it's not okay to do those things...it'll probably frustrate him at first, but once he gets the message he'll learn to express himself in different ways.

It is a phase they all go through but, you really have to point out the fact that no one will want to play with him, he will not have any friends if he does these things, no exceptions, point blank.

If he does do these hurtful things to other children, have it worked out with the other parent/s that you will leave immediatley. This is the only thing I have seen to work. Some kids just need to grow out of it while others need to learn compassion (this is the *ONLY* drawback of AP parenting I have seen.) Some parents let their kids do whatever & the kid never learns how to treat others. Sorry, NOT going to happen. They are kids, they *need* parents to step in every once and a while when they are 3 or 4. Please don't take that as a slight against AP parenting, I am the biggest advocate of AP parenting. I doubt it is the case but, I have seen some kids that absolutely lack compassion(I have no idea how that happens, my DS is so incredibly sensitive! and needless to say my tolernce level is null, I refuse for my child to be beat up.) Dh & I have been so upset about certain situations that if anything happens we leave *immediatly*, no warning, it's past that point. This is the type of thing you need to be ready to uphold, no wishy washy stuff(NOT saying you are wishy washy.)

All you can do at this point is keep a close eye on him, when you see him going after another child stop him any way you can- block him, distract him, etc. Sometimes all you can do is remove him from the situation and it's OK to do so. Keep telling him hands for being gentle, clapping, high fives, petting, etc. Do not allow him to hurt anyone. Take his hands into yours and show him how to be gentle. Many kids his age don't realize they are being rough, they are too young. It will be hard to keep an ever watchful eye on him but, in the end it will sink in.

I hope this helped in some way and if not, be reassured that your child is not the only one who does this, they all do, it's part of the learning process.

Hmmm.. can you try putting mittens on him as soon as he pinches or scratches?

I read a great anecdote about this type of behaviour in the book "Healing Stories for Challenging Behaviour". So when your son goes to sleep at night you can tell him a story about a little crab or lobster or animal with sharp little nails that was hurting his friends and his friends were running away, and eventually someone gave him a special pair of mittens so he could toch his friends without hurting them- something of that nature... plant the seed (maybe tell it a few nights in a row). Then when you go to playgroup, the first time you see what looks like a touch that could hurt, race over and put the mittens on and remind him of the story. NOT PUNITIVELY, of course- in a friendly, happy manner. This should be a positive lesson in helping him to remember not to touch others in a way that might hurt them.

This worked for a 3 or 4 yr old, but maybe it will work for a littler one? Worth a try.

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What a wonderfully creative idea! Not sure if it'll work with an 18mo, but planting the seed never hurts

My daughter was very mean for awhile from about 16-19 months, but hers was out of frustration. When she'd get mad at me (and only me) for what ever reason, she would pinch and claw me, usually on my face.

I learned to anticipate her and would just hold her hands firmly, saying, "No, we don't act mean, we be nice." She HATED me holding her hands, and would fight even harder to pinch me. After she finally calmed down, I would flatten her hand and stroke it down the side of my face, saying, "Niiiiice. Niiiiice."

She finally stopped doing this, although she'll still come up to me and rub my face and say, "Niiiiice," sometimes.

I agree with the others to watch him like a hawk, and when it looks like he's going to grab someone, redirect him. Maybe show him what a nice touch is. (A high five, a pat on the back, etc.)

I haven't read all of the responses to this, but I had to respond. My dd was exactly this way. She never did it in anger, but she was relentless with hitting and scratching at other kids faces. It was like she would just target a kid and would not be redirected. It got to the point where I was so tired of watching her SO closely and still missing some (since I couldn't see any cause, it was hard to know when it would happen...). I was scared to take her anywhere around kids and I couldn't pay any attention to my ds. I was terrified some day a kid would really get hurt.

Everyone I talked to would tell me I either needed to spank her or start time outs. Neither of those seemed right to me because she wasn't being "bad." And, I don't spank or do time outs (ok, occasionally time ins, but not time outs). Even when I posted here about it, people basically said to get on it because everyone (who posted) knew a kid who was 4 or 5 (or however old) and was still mean and aggressive. I had one friend whose son was the same way but is older. She gave me hope, and I loved hanging out with her because I knew she wasn't judging me or my dd. She was so supportive.

What I wound up doing was being really consistent with her. I watched her like a hawk and stopped her before she made contact whenever I could. When she started targeting another kid, I would remove her from the situation and hold her in my lap. I would tell her that I needed to keep everyone safe, and if she was going to hurt them, I would hold her until she could be safe (in 1 year old terms, lol, which, with her was close to that... she has always been very verbal). Also, when she hit someone, I would say "OH, that hurts!!!" I would also try to make sure to tell her that she was hurt when she fell down or whatever to try to give her the word for that and to try to connect it to the other kids when they were hurt.

I don't know if any of that helped, or if it was like any other stage that passes seemingly despite my actions, but it did pass. She is now 25 months and plays very well with other kids. There is the usual toddler stuff of "I want that toy so I am going to take it," but none of the crazy stuff that used to happen. So, hang in there, it does pass.

Thanks for all the ideas and suggestions. Seems like we are doing many of them and I might have to try the mittens thing but since my DS LOVES mittens and puts everything on his hands as a mitten this might not work...we'll see!

I think the key is that I have to prepare to be vigilant and have clear actions in mind for changing the situation. I have stopped him, redirected, talking about gentle touches and that pinching hurts but sometimes it isn't enough so the next thing is to remove him which I have been planning on just not doing. He will hate being restrained on my back when he really wants to play so I think this might get through to him better.

I know it's a stage and that my major frustration is having to deal with it when I never had to with my first! Oh well, I know they are completely different children I am just having trouble accepting it. Silly mama.

Thanks for your help and support!

my 21 month old can also get out of control at times. It seems to come from nowhere as well. Like your son it is not in a mean spirited way but in an attempt at play gone wrong. I have forund that if I consciously make time in the day to gently roughhouse play with him then he gets that physical interaction that he is wanting without hurting himself or his older brother. (my oldest son is 6).

I believe that this happens because they want to play in this big, physical way but they don't have the tools yet to calm down and reign in their impulses. My little one will just tackle his brother or little friends visiting and roll on them, pull hair, grab glasses, push, and basically flop all over the place.

I have seen some improvement in taking time to play with him like that and saying stop when he gets rough. Showing him that I will stop the play if it gets to be too much...teaching him rules about wrestling such as "no hair pulling, kicking, hitting, scratching, grabbing glasses etc"

I also just watch the level of his play and if he gets amped up i may grab him and give him a little spin or tickle or upside down...something to give him the positive gross motor play he is craving. But it's a fine balance because sometimes that can make it worse if i've missed the cues...then I try to redirect him while saying "that hurts...we don't whatever it is" and checking on drinks and snacks...almost always offering food helps, especially protein.

If you watch your son maybe you can see what his needs are for doing this...is he craving a BIG type of gross movement play, has it been awhile since his last drink or snack, have you been doing the same activity for awhile?

I also find going outside to work...whatever the weather. Then he can run and screech and throw and then he gets all that energy out!

Oh and also about your oldest. I understand about the confusion because my oldest never had these issues until recently he will sometimes put out a foot and kick/push my youngest away in an attempt to get him to stop. So I have been trying to teach him strategies about what to do when his little brother gets rough. To remember he is a baby and as the big one he is stronger so the rules apply to him as well...no kicking etc not even in self defense. Also he has been guilty of starting the play that gets my little one amped up.

ok didn't mean to write an essay but I am in the same situation and wanted to share!

I just had to share that my daughter has for a long time done things like hit me, scratch at me, etc. I always respond immediately, calmly putting her down. But, it was never really an issue with other people - just me. Then we signed up for a Sing & Sign class and she was the oldest in the class. It was not fun at all because all I did the whole time was intervene to keep her from grabbing at a smaller child, or yanking their hair, etc. Outside of the class it was the same thing, she would always "attack" the little girl of a friend of mine...The class ended and we didn't plan any playdates for awhile. It was probably about a month. then we saw that little girl again... and she never once tried to do anything but hug her. it was like the impulse to hit or pull was completely gone. I honestly don't think that I could've "taught" her anything like what some of you suggested...talking to her about the other kids feelings or how they won't want to play with her. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't feel like those types of conversations meant anything to her. I just think she needed space...time away from the temptation so to speak.

this last post reminded me of something i have thought for a long time now. I don't believe it is necessary or even beneficial to take young toddlers out to a lot of playgroups, classes, etc. Being around other kids is important but there is a lot of development that happens during the quiet activities of home. Little ones need space to hear their own thoughts and relax, too!

I have experienced the same kind of thing where my almost 2 year old was being real pushy with another little toddler girl and over time he just sort of grew out of it. I think at times they just don't know what to expect about another kid and need to touch and explore the other person much the same way they would do a toy.

I don't think little ones are being mean or disrespectful...only curious or overwhelmed, tired or hungry, or needing more downtime at home with a parent and siblings.