Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 79 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,754 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: Ughhh...my MIL is exceedingly toxic. We got along really well before DH and I had kids. Ever since I had Calen though things have just gone completely downhill.<br><br>
Calen is very bright and is very advanced for his age. Our Pedi and other people are always commenting on how smart he is. MIL calls him "Slow" and is constantly saying that she thinks he is autistic. She also says that since he wasn't potty trained by 18 months that "There is something wrong with that kid." I talked to the Pedi about all this because honestly MIL had me worried as much as she was bringing it up. Our Pediatrician told me that was the most utterly ridiculous thing she had ever heard and to ignore my MIL. It makes me angry how negative she is about Calen.<br><br>
We moved 2 1/2 hours away from her so we didn't have to deal with her.<br><br>
She has seen DD maybe 3 times since she was born. She has already started saying she is "Fat" and that I need to be limiting her feeds. She also says "That girl is going to have to go on a diet when she is a child."<br><br>
BLEAH!!! The last few times we have been around her she has tried to get me and DH into fights by pitting us against eachother. DH got a new tattoo and she went off on him. DH is 31 years old !!! Then she saw me standing there so she started saying that she couldn't believe he would get another tattoo when he had said so many nasty things about my tattoo and how trashy it looks. (I have a tiny butterfly in the small of my back. You can't even see the thing) I asked DH about it and he said his mom was lying. I know she was because she has lied to me about things in the past and I have caught her.<br><br>
So I just got my nose pierced. I KNOW that is going to cause a HUGE stir on Sunday! It is my BIL's birthday and so we all have to go to the In law's house for his birthday party Sunday afternoon. There house is 2 1/2 hours away so DH wants to go up there that afternoon and then we probably won't get home till after 9:00 at night. 6 or 7 hours to deal with my MIL. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
Any ideas how to make this less miserable?<br><br>
ETA: At Christmas this year she was sitting next to me. She just all of a sudden hauled off and hit me over the head as hard as she could with her fist. I yelped and looked at her and she started egging me on and saying "What aren't you going to hit me back? Huh? Huh?" I told her I wasn't going to hit her back because she was my MIL. She is utterly infuriating!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,232 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bigeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bigeyes"> What a weirdo. I wouldn't go.<br><br>
But if you HAVE to, can't you just stay away....as far away as possible?? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/Sheepish.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Sheepish">:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,708 Posts
WOW. Just......wow.<br><br>
If my MIL hit me, it would be ON. What did your DH do/say? I wouldn't go either, and I would make DH tell her why. Mostly because he wouldn't want ME to tell her why. My DH would not let us go, mostly because he would be afraid of the meltdown that would happen if she freaked on me again.<br><br>
Could you have BIL over for dinner or something, after the party?<br><br>
Toxic is too good of a word for her. Nuclear waste, maybe.<br><br>
And I thought MY MIL was bad. I'm sorry. I'm getting my nose pierced, too, pretty soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,402 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw">drop I would never put up with that. I'm so sorry for your situation!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,286 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CalenandEllasmomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7976033"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Any ideas how to make this less miserable?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Don't see her. I know there are lots of "but..." reasons to see <i>some</i> toxic grandparents, but for goodness sakes, this woman hit you in the head for no reason in front of other people. Besides your own sense of self-preservation, do you really want your kids around her, even supervised?<br><br>
Why follow the social rules we have for normal relationships, in an abnormal relationship? Do you think if you keep pretending that things are normal she is going to magically turn normal?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,355 Posts
liquor. and a helmet? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:<br><br>
seriously, i'd try to not go. send dh, but say you have to stay home with cranky/sick kids. or something.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,318 Posts
I was going to write a post about how I deal with my MIL who wants to irritate me and gets so mad when I just smile and agree with everything she says. I get sort of a simpleton look, like I'm not all that bright and smile and say, "Wow you're probably right, I'll check that out."<br><br>
But then I read that she's insulting your kids, and I would never expose my kids to someone who would insult them. Especially when she's someone who's supposed to love and support them.<br><br>
And <i>then</i> I read that she hit you. So, I would just not go and I definitely wouldn't let my kids go. Ever. She's obviously not stable and not safe. Your DH can go celebrate his brother's birthday. No reason for you and your children to be put in that kind of situation. Really.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,792 Posts
Don't go. You don't <i>have</i> to go. Call the BIL, wish him a happy birthday, and arrange an MIL-free visit for another time. If anyone gets upset, remind them that she HIT you and that she's lucky you didn't press charges.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>zaftigmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7976632"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was going to write a post about how I deal with my MIL who wants to irritate me and gets so mad when I just smile and agree with everything she says. I get sort of a simpleton look, like I'm not all that bright and smile and say, "Wow you're probably right, I'll check that out."<br><br>
But then I read that she's insulting your kids, and I would never expose my kids to someone who would insult them. Especially when she's someone who's supposed to love and support them.<br><br>
And <i>then</i> I read that she hit you. So, I would just not go and I definitely wouldn't let my kids go. Ever. She's obviously not stable and not safe. Your DH can go celebrate his brother's birthday. No reason for you and your children to be put in that kind of situation. Really.<br><br>
Good luck!</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,142 Posts
You do NOT have to spend the day with someone who hit you for the sheer joy it brought her.<br><br>
You do NOT.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,539 Posts
The kid thing I was going to write off as being a generational thing (don't know how old your MIL is but that sounds like the insensitive things my grandmother would say and she'd be stunned when people got upset because she's just trying to help).<br><br>
The lying thing though, that's getting worse. And then the hitting <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: Is this her sense of humor? When she lied, was she possibly joking or was she really angry about the tatoo and trying to stir things up?<br><br>
I just wouldn't go and I'm pretty sure my dh would support me in that. If yours doesn't, I'd suggest just staying away from her. Don't sit next to her for sure. Maybe take the kids for a walk. A looooooooong walk. Any sight seeing you can do while your dh gets some quality time with his mom?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
969 Posts
What does DH say about this? Why hasn't HE put a complete stop to this?<br><br>
I ask because I have the same brand of MIL. I won't hijack the thread with a string of shocking examples, but I will give you one. She brings her own Diet Coke when she comes over because we will never go to her house (long story) and we don't keep that kind of crap in our house. DD was nearly 2 and was interested in the pretty shiny can. MIL was teasing her with it! Grrrr! So I went over to put a stop to the teasing and DD reached for the can. MIL smacked her hand HARD! I punched MIL in the head hard! It shocked me as much at it hurt her. DH handled everything from there. He backed MIL out of the house and down to the sidewalk.<br><br>
He has since made the rules very clear.<br>
1. If she wants to speak to us, she is to call the home phone. No more calling one cell phone to spread BS about the other person.<br><br>
2. Never show up unannounced. You will not be allowed in.<br><br>
3. If you need to lie about either one of us we do not want to hear it. Tell your church friends.<br><br>
4. He told her that she'd better "nice-up" because hell would freeze over before he chose her over me even if I was wrong about something. (and he has)<br><br>
5. Knock off the passive aggressive and/or snide comments because we will immediately leave. She still does this. I can't tell you how many restaurants we've left (sticking her with the bill).<br><br>
These may seem harsh, but we had tried talking to her reasonably and this is all she understands. And it has been great for our relationship knowing he's with me 100%.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,415 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>boodafli</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7976582"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">liquor. and a helmet? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biglaugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="laugh">:</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Oh.My.God. I'm laughing so hard right now.<br><br>
Seriously, though, I wouldn't go. I would NOT go. I would refuse to go. She hit you. She belittles your children. She bullies your husband. No one deserves that. I'd send her a letter saying everywhere she is is a place where you will not be. Good riddance and have a great life. She hit you in the head!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,754 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Well DH gets p*ssed at me because he says I should stand up to her more. How it is MY responsibility to stand up to HIS mother I will never understand. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
The only time he has ever stepped in he reminded her how much she had always griped about her MIL saying crappy things and did he really want to put me in that position.<br><br>
In answer to whether she is joking when she lies....no. She will purposefully go behind my back to DH with some made up story to try to stir the pot. Then she will come to me and try to play us against eachother.<br><br>
DH says we have to go on Sunday. I guess I will just try to stay as far away from her as I can. They live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere so there isn't really anywhere else to go.<br><br>
*Sigh*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,415 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CalenandEllasmomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7977380"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well DH gets p*ssed at me because he says I should stand up to her more. How it is MY responsibility to stand up to HIS mother I will never understand. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Since he says it is your responsibility to stand up to his mother, tell him the way you choose to not get sucked into her drama is to avoid her! You can't fight with a person like that; it's all she wants and she's better at being mean than you are, trust me. I know a person like this. Anyway, you should not be forced into being in the same room with someone who assaulted you. And she assaulted you. Nothing less.<br><br>
For your children and your own sanity, you should stand up to your husband and tell him you aren't going and you aren't bringing the kids. He's not being reasonable at this point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,186 Posts
I hate to say it, but I would turn around and tell her how childish it is to lie, and I would tell your husband that he needs to stand up to his mom if he wants her to see you or his children again. I hate how men do not stand up to their moms. Give her an earful, stand up to her, and if your dh doesn't like it tell him your doing what he wanted you to.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,868 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>CalenandEllasmomma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7977380"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well DH gets p*ssed at me because he says I should stand up to her more. How it is MY responsibility to stand up to HIS mother I will never understand. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
The only time he has ever stepped in he reminded her how much she had always griped about her MIL saying crappy things and did he really want to put me in that position.<br><br>
In answer to whether she is joking when she lies....no. She will purposefully go behind my back to DH with some made up story to try to stir the pot. Then she will come to me and try to play us against eachother.<br><br>
DH says we have to go on Sunday. I guess I will just try to stay as far away from her as I can. They live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere so there isn't really anywhere else to go.<br><br>
*Sigh*</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I would not tolerate that level of disrespect from my spouse. He is saying it is ok for your MIL to abuse you.<br><br>
I wouldn't tolerate it. I would make him pick: abusive mommy dearest, or wife and family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,282 Posts
If you wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from a friend or acquaintance, then you shouldn't tolerate it from a family member.<br><br>
Stay home. If others want to see you, they can come to you.<br><br>
And your husband is wrong. HE should be taking up for you. What, does he want you to lay her out flat and go to jail for it? If my own mother acted like that I wouldn't want to be around her. But it seems that some males have this thing about their mother and are afraid of them for some reason. Ridiculous.
 
1 - 20 of 79 Posts
Top