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Background: My MIL is a realtor, but not just any realtor. She is one of the top realtors in her county, which is a very expensive, hot market. She has been the top realtor for about 10 years in a row. She's very good at what she does, and needless to say, makes a whole lot of money.<br><br>
I have been with dh for 15 years, and in that time my mom has gone through being totally broke, dealing with evictions, medical issues, unemployment, legal issues surrounding disability insurance, credit issues, etc. But, she is at a point now where she has her business up and running, her credit totally cleared up, and has really been doing well for the past 3 years or so.<br><br>
I've always felt that my MIL looks down on my family because we don't have a lot of money. It's been a sore spot with me for a long time, and I purposely avoid talking with my MIL about my parents because her condescending attitude really bugs me. She's not outright mean or anything, but the whole "poor her" attidue about my mom just makes me crazy.<br><br>
Anyhow. So we get notifications of new houses that go on the market through MIL's account with MLS - we get them the moment they are listed. I saw a really cute one, in an area that my mom likes, at a surprisingly low price that my mom could actually afford. So I immediately emailed MIL and asked her if she could get the name of the listing agent for me so I could contact him and find out when it was being held open.<br><br>
I get an email from MIL the next day saying she's been busy but she'll get back to me. The next day I get a phone call from her saying she's sorry she forgot, but she'll get me the info right away. (Getting the name of the agent would take her literally 10 seconds as she has it on her system, plus she has two assistants.)<br><br>
Well, a week goes by and I don't hear anything from here. My mom is asking me about it but I don't want to bug MIL. Dh goes over to visit MIL on Sat night (the following week, so it's been 10 days) and asks her about it, and she says "Oh, it went quickly." When he came home and told me that I about flipped out. OF COURSE IT WENT QUICKLY, IT WAS A GOOD ONE, WHICH IS WHY I WANTED TO SEE IT!<br><br>
I pretty much flipped out, ranting at dh about how this was just so indicative of the lack of respect that MIL has for my mom. So he calls his mom on Sunday morning and pretty much lets her have it. (He didn't know that I had been asking her about the house previously.) She keeps saying she just forgot, blah blah blah. And while that might be true, the only reason she forgot was because it wasn't important to her because it was my mom. The lady is seriously the most on it realtor I've ever known, and there is no way she just forgets this kind of stuff.<br><br>
So anyhow, I get an email from her yesterday apologizing for letting me down, and asks me to give my mom her apologies. And I don't know what to say in return. I feel like I should respond, but "Oh, that's okay" doesn't feel right. But I certainly don't want to go any further with her on this.<br><br>
Help! What would you say?
 

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I'm not sure what I'd say, but what I'd <b>do</b> is switch realtors and start getting emails from someone else.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> No advice <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"><br><br>
Maybe you should talk to MIL in person and tell her how you feel. Maybe it would help her see how her actions would make you feel that way.
 

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I wonder if people think email apologies in general feel "good enough."<br><br>
I personally find them unsatisfying to receive, although I understand the temptation to send them because it's easier than phone or face to face.
 

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Honestly, you're probably better off not responding at all. There's nothing that can be done about it now and unless you want to let your MIL know exactly how you feel, saying nothing is probably the best approach.<br><br>
If she brings it up, let her know that you and your mom were disappointed, but now your mom is working with another realtor who can hopefully help her, since you know how busy MIL is. Maybe losing a commission will make the point for you. (Passive/agressive, yes, but effective.)
 

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im a realtor in NYS and i think what your MIL did was uncalled for and you should let her know while you appreciate the appology what she did was NOT ok and your still NOT OK with it....and that it upsets you that she wrote it off as not important.<br><br>
it would have taken her literally 2 seconds to get that info to you.....i know this b/c im a realtor.
 

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*
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>i'mmykid'$mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7351262"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">"'MIL, one does not reach your level of success by "forgetting". I will not be bothering you again on this matter as I have found another agent.'"</div>
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Exactly. She didn't forget, she just didn't want to help your mom. Now she feels bad because she was called on it and she wants you to assuage her guilt by telling her that it's okay.<br><br>
Tell her to pound sand. Your mom deserves a realtor who cares about helping her find a home.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Dh already told her on the phone that we were going to have my mom use a different agent.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">'MIL, one does not reach your level of success by "forgetting".</td>
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That's what I want to say. I want to tell her why I'm upset - not necessarily because we lost the house, but because it is indicative of the lack of respect she has for my family. But many years of experience with dh's family has taught me that the message is never heard, and that the person who tries to say anything (always me!) is the one who is blamed for causing all the problems.<br><br>
"Pound sand" - that has me cracking up!
 

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Dear MIL,<br><br>
Of course apologies aren't necessary. My mother is now working with an agent who respects her as a human being and doesn't use "I forgot" as a passive-agressive excuse for displaying contempt. I'm sure you'll understand, being a professional.<br><br>
Kindest regards,<br>
DIL
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Momtwice</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7351178"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I wonder if people think email apologies in general feel "good enough."<br><br>
I personally find them unsatisfying to receive, although I understand the temptation to send them because it's easier than phone or face to face.</div>
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I actually like getting email apologies, and I prefer to give them. It <i>is</i> easier, but not so much because of the confrontation aspect, as because I don't get tongue-tied and stupid and say the wrong thing when I have time to actually sit down and compose it.<br><br>
However, that doesn't apply to the OP. I'd be furious, but I honestly don't know what I'd say. I have two relatives with whom I've chosen to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Every time I speak up, it makes things worse, and it <i>never</i> clears the air. Is this one of those cases?
 

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Discussion Starter #12
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Storm Bride</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7351550"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">However, that doesn't apply to the OP. I'd be furious, but I honestly don't know what I'd say. I have two relatives with whom I've chosen to keep my mouth shut most of the time. Every time I speak up, it makes things worse, and it <i>never</i> clears the air. Is this one of those cases?</div>
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Yes. And it makes me crazy because while I don't particularly enjoy confrontation, I prefer it to leaving things hanging in the air.
 

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I would be very tempted to tell her that you guys have decided to go with a different realtor because of what she did.
 

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How about:<br><br>
Dear MIL,<br>
Thank you for the apology. I really appreciate that you took the time to send me a note. I will be sure and pass along your regrets to my mom.<br><br>
Sincerely,<br>
DIL<br><br>
Having dealt with passive-aggressive in-laws for almost 20 years it is much easier to head it off at the pass before it even becomes an issue. When I don't catch it before it causes a problem I chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.<br><br>
Accept her apology. You do not have to explain that your mom is using another agent. If your MIL brings it up again just let her know that your mom found someone that she really hit if off with and they are looking at houses together. It will get under her skin and don't tell her who it is, just tell her you can't remember the agent's name.<br><br>
Because you've said it's like talking to a brick wall when you explain your hurt over similar situations then don't put yourself through that this time. Take it for what it is. Your DH is very much on your side and he understands how his family can be. Your MIL actually sent you an apology! Wow! And, best of all - your mom is on the right track now! Congratulations to her!
 

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Who cares if you are blamed for the problem? You know what she did and that's all that matters, I'd tell her how you feel.
 

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Cheshire is a much nicer person than I am <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:
 

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I wouldnt want to use MIL anyways because she'll pretty much get ALL information about your mom, her income, her credit, her debts and if she is such a icky judgmental person, I wouldnt want her knowing that information anyways.<br><br>
I like Chesire's response because it keeps the peace but at the same time you arent saying "oh it's okay" either because it's not ok. She'll get the hint when your mom gets a house with another agent.
 

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Chesire, you rock! That's perfect!<br><br>
And Ocean, if you can resist the temptation of a snarky "P.S." you are a stronger woman than I am! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Cheshire</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7351993"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">How about:<br><br>
Dear MIL,<br>
Thank you for the apology. I really appreciate that you took the time to send me a note. I will be sure and pass along your regrets to my mom.<br><br>
Sincerely,<br>
DIL<br><br>
Having dealt with passive-aggressive in-laws for almost 20 years it is much easier to head it off at the pass before it even becomes an issue. When I don't catch it before it causes a problem I chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.<br><br>
Accept her apology. You do not have to explain that your mom is using another agent. If your MIL brings it up again just let her know that your mom found someone that she really hit if off with and they are looking at houses together. It will get under her skin and don't tell her who it is, just tell her you can't remember the agent's name.<br><br>
Because you've said it's like talking to a brick wall when you explain your hurt over similar situations then don't put yourself through that this time. Take it for what it is. Your DH is very much on your side and he understands how his family can be. Your MIL actually sent you an apology! Wow! And, best of all - your mom is on the right track now! Congratulations to her!</div>
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I agree with Cheshire. Sometimes it's best to just let these things go, rather than stew about them. Since your DH has already "let her have it", your MIL knows how you feel. Refusing to accept an apology will not improve relations with your ILs, and it probably won't even make you feel better.
 
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