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DS is 4 and gifted and is playing us like violins. The real area of concern and frustration with this is in discipline. We're not ones for harsh discipline (obviously!) but sometimes, there is a line. Right now, we're having issues with "no means no" (no donuts every time we go to the store, no presents until Hanukkah, etc.). He's testing us and limits. That in itself is a pretty normal 4 year old thing, but the problem is- we're getting talked in circles. Now, DH and I aren't too slow ourselves (DH has 2 doctorates, we are both academics), but we are well aware that in terms of raw brains, DS is smarter than us. And now, we're getting taken. DS will often propose deals that make sense, but after we've accepted, we realise that we somehow got talked out of our authority in the situation. DS will threaten us (though he doesn't really know he is doing that- it's like calmly "If you don't get a donut at the store, I won't help set the table at dinner." Ummm... ?). And then, when push comes to shove and some consequences are in order, we have trouble getting them to work. He won't stay in his room and we won't lock it or hold him down or anything, so he just walks out. If we take something away, he'll either plot to get it back or retaliate by refusing or taking away something of his own (mostly his cooperation for anything). If finally something does come down, he'll either make a very logical and calm plea of pardon and innocence or he will find another way to get what he wants. Eventually, all of it starts to sound like squabbling between kids- "If you don't _____, then I won't ______." "Well, if you do that, then I won't _____!".
I've tried talking to him about things logically instead of the "stick and carrot stuff" and he's just too young to put it all together all the time ("Donuts are not healthy and we are not getting one every time we go to the store because too many and you will get sick." "Well, you said I could spend my dollar on anything I wanted because it is mine and I want a donut." "Um... I did say that. OK, I guess, then this one time..." Note to self: Exclude food from 'what he can spend his dollar on', but that will have to be next time... But this scenario plays out way too often. If its not a donut, it's something else...). But each time, I'm getting suckered, not because I'm weak or spoiling or disorganized or whatever, but because I'm somehow getting talked out of it- logically and honestly by a 4 year old. I swear, he will find every loophole, remember every promise or suggestion, push to the absolute limit. And I tell you, it is an absolute b*tch to hear your own words come back directly at you- "You know, Mommy, sometimes you need to be patient and I will get my shoes on as soon as I can..."
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Really, he's not a "bad kid". He's sweet and sensitive and thoughtful and has a passion for life. It's just I am feeling totally played. I'm kind of frustrated at how frequently I am standing there, looking down at him, realising this kid totally has the situation in the palm of his hand and knows it and has no compunction about using it to get what he wants at the moment and somehow, despite my well thought-out rules and statements, my logical and constructive consequences, I've gotten taken. He's smarter than I am, remembers more, knows just what to say, and I feel like in trying to make discipline and parenting and relationships make sense, I'm getting talked out of it all.
What do I do?
I've tried talking to him about things logically instead of the "stick and carrot stuff" and he's just too young to put it all together all the time ("Donuts are not healthy and we are not getting one every time we go to the store because too many and you will get sick." "Well, you said I could spend my dollar on anything I wanted because it is mine and I want a donut." "Um... I did say that. OK, I guess, then this one time..." Note to self: Exclude food from 'what he can spend his dollar on', but that will have to be next time... But this scenario plays out way too often. If its not a donut, it's something else...). But each time, I'm getting suckered, not because I'm weak or spoiling or disorganized or whatever, but because I'm somehow getting talked out of it- logically and honestly by a 4 year old. I swear, he will find every loophole, remember every promise or suggestion, push to the absolute limit. And I tell you, it is an absolute b*tch to hear your own words come back directly at you- "You know, Mommy, sometimes you need to be patient and I will get my shoes on as soon as I can..."

Really, he's not a "bad kid". He's sweet and sensitive and thoughtful and has a passion for life. It's just I am feeling totally played. I'm kind of frustrated at how frequently I am standing there, looking down at him, realising this kid totally has the situation in the palm of his hand and knows it and has no compunction about using it to get what he wants at the moment and somehow, despite my well thought-out rules and statements, my logical and constructive consequences, I've gotten taken. He's smarter than I am, remembers more, knows just what to say, and I feel like in trying to make discipline and parenting and relationships make sense, I'm getting talked out of it all.
What do I do?