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Hey all<br><br>
So, im on under another nick but im a very shy mama and too shy to ask this under my regular nick...<br><br>
NE way... my child is 4 months and dh and I stopped being intimate when I was 7months pregnant, not becos I wanted but becos dh was scared hed hurt me or the baby...even if i reassured him...he was too scared. We're both young, im in my mid 20's and dh in his early 30's.<br><br>
So...now our child is 4 months and we're ready to be intimate again. Im on a IUD (Id prefer the pill, but i dont have insurance and the state insurance I had for pregnancy covered an IUD, so i got it before it expired...as pills, even with aid at a clinic would be too much each month becos we make a bit above the income limit to get free pills...) Ofcourse Ive had a bit of spotting off and on...<br><br>
Okay so the spotting has stopped and a few nights ago dh expressed an interest in us snuggling and being intimate...i was soo down with that..BUT, we both felt awkward and just ddint know what to do!<br>
I swear I felt like a virgin again...too shy to do anything...we didnt get very far...just a bit of snuggling.<br><br>
First off, I felt weird becos I wasnt turned on at all...which shocked me.<br>
secondly...breast foreplay used to be a big thing with us and now that im BFing I didnt feel comfortable him touching me there and dh didnt feel comfortable either. neither of us are the "seduction" types...you know putting on a lace teddy and prancing around...usually we'd just snuggle and go from there.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I donno it was just a weird, odd, strange feeling trying to be intimate.<br><br>
Is something wrong with me? Dh ofcourse didnt force the issue, just said...okay maybe your not ready...BUT I AM!!! Honestly...I really am...but it just was too weird...hahahaha<br><br>
Any tips and suggestions?<br><br>
I donno..pls any advice...<br><br>
Randommama...
 

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Heh, I feel like I should make up a different screen name just to answer... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"><br><br>
I have off-and-on problems with the breast and breast-feeding thing too. *shrug* I either try to get past the feelings, or ask DH to do something different instead if I'm feeling too weird. There are lots of alternatives, after all. Experiment - you might find other things you like just as much.<br><br>
I don't know, there are different ways to try to get over the shy feelings. You could try easing back into things (rather like a new couple would do) - start out a couple of times with just foreplay and snuggling, no sex - that way you can enjoy yourselves without feeling pressured, and work your way back into it slowly. Might be fun. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
hapersmion
 

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I found that DH touching my breasts (or at least the general nipple area) made this weird thing happen in my brain...it triggered the let down feeling (good) and the sexy feeling (good) but together (very, very bad). He could cup my breast and this was OK, but that was not how he wanted to touch me. So it had to be hands off.<br><br>
As for mentally wanting sex but physically not responding...I'm right there with you. It's weird for me too. I think the hormones just kill the sexy feeling for some women. I even had a hard time reaching orgasm for the first year. I could do it, but it just took a long time and it was never very intense (like pre birth).<br><br>
I admit that a lot of sex the first year (especially the first few times) ended up being me faking being into it but thinking in my head "hurry up" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">: . Yes I know this is not cool, but DH was really feeling rejected by my lack of response <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> .<br><br>
Good news, things did get back to normal after the first year, it just happened slowly and in small steps. (And when DD really cut back on nursing,. WOW!)
 

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yes yes yes!<br><br>
I am right there with you. I just posted yesterday about similar issues. The first time we did it, 3 months after birth, I was so scared! And rightly so, b/c it really hurt. I have tried, for dh's sake, to get into it, to enjoy it, and I am having a hard time even getting aroused. And the very few times I have felt like having sex, it hurts, even with lots of lube (I posted about this yesterday).<br><br>
And AbbieB I can totally relate to thinking "hurry up". I have even rolled my eyes! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">:<br><br>
I keep telling dh (OK, and myself) that we will be together for many many years, and will have lots and lots of opportunities to have great sex. But now, well, it's kind of a drought and that's just the way it is.
 

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It's perfectly normal to have a little adjustment when getting back to "normal" after birth. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Your hormones are completely different than they were a few months ago, which affects you physically even when your desire is where you want it to be.<br><br>
So, my advice:<br>
1. Take it easy. Try things slowly and just experiment to figure out what works now, 'cause it's gonna be different (obviously!). You may still be tender, too, from birth and that's a factor for your DH to take into account.<br>
2. Get a good moisturizer. Breastfeeding suppresses your fertility AND all the things that go along with it. So find something to help make it easier - Astroglide was recommended to me before, but I'm not sure if there are more natural options.<br>
3. Keep trying. Spend that time snuggling with your DH and showing your affection. Before too long, you'll both be comfortable with your "new" relationship, and it'll be right where you want it to be!
 

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I need to pop in here (I never really post but read often) because my youngest will be 2 years old on the 27th of this month and since the birth of my oldest (just turned 4), I've had NO libido whatsoever.<br><br>
Before I got pregnant (the first 4 years of our marriage) things were great. I used to wear dh out. No he feels rejected, I feel totally broken, my doctor is useless, and I'm at my wits end.<br><br>
I'd be thrilled if someone would tell me that it won't stay this way and show me how to fix it, but considering it's been almost 2 years since my last delivery, I'm losing hope. It IS affecting our marriage because he doesn't believe that I love him. He says it's not about "sex" but in reality... he's taking my lack of interest personally.<br><br>
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one dealing with this for 4 years.
 

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Olive oil is a great natural moisturizer!<br><br>
I also agree, 4 mo is still pretty soon. It will get easier. Does the IUD have any hormones? That could be adding to it.
 

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The idea I heard once about sex being about 10% of a marriage when it's good and 90% of a marriage when it's not-so-good really seems to apply after kids especially, yk?!<br><br>
We had some struggles after our 1st was born too. There was a ton of stress for both of us in addition to the new baby, and we had to work hard to be in each other's corner even when we felt like having a pity party in our own. With regard to sex, however, our way of coping might not have been so healthy but it worked! We literally faked it. Each of us, but together. Just one time, with no expectation (or discussion) except to share in intimacy by being in each other's company. Instead of "sex," for me at least, the thoughts were about observing specific physical things and reflecting on the emotional way I cherish him through those things (i.e. - without getting graphic! - his neck - how he risks going into the world and challenging himself beyond his comfort zone so he can be a better provider for his family, his chest - how his heart sounds so comforting to me when I lay my head there, the hair on his legs - how he is such a man, so different from me and complementary in so many ways, etc.). Note the words, "observing" and "reflecting." For us at least, it would have totally screwed things up if I had said anything out loud other than 'those sounds' he so likes to hear. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Besides, for me it has helped to think about dh's and my sexual connection as communicating a message to the One who brought us together. Thinking kind of like a movie producer for an act to communicate a message might be a detachment coping mechanism or something, but it works for me, and dh & I have a better relationship because of it.<br><br>
Anyways, having no expectations really helped us get over the pressure of the 'first time back' because we ended up "together" before even a few minutes passed. If things don't work so well for you guys so quickly, and/or if there's pain or other factors in play, be patient! It's hard, but keeping pressure as low as possible and being shy and awkward with one another can make it kind of an exciting time for your relationship. It's a time for you to reflect on the wonders of marriage and what it is to be truly "naked and unashamed." It can simultaneously spark memories of when you first fell in love <i>and</i> be an opportunity allowing you to work together as the team you are made to be through your marriage commitment to one another. Challenges don't have to be all bad, right?<br><br>
Sorry if TMI, and sorry this is so long, but hopefully it can be of some help to you! Best wishes --
 

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I had a lot of these issues as well when my DD was born, and until recently they were still there. The entire time that I was breastfeeding I was uncomfortable with breast play, which was very much a focal point before hand (and my hubby is a "boob guy"). I definitely don't advocate not BFing for sure, but for me, I had to wait the 15 mos until we had to wean my DD for other reasons and suddenly it perked right back up for me (excuse the pun).<br><br>
But in general, things like massage (LOVE the massage) and cuddling (and movies if you're into that) really helped. Also, getting some physical distance from the kiddos can help. Its hard (for me) to get in the mood when the baby wakes often and I spend the entire time I'm supposed to be enjoying sex, focused on hoping he can be done before the baby wakes up.<br><br>
The good news though is that it doesnt last forever. My DD is 18 mos now and our sex life great (well after 9pm when the kiddos are in bed anyways, lol) I also think we're going to have a lot less problems with our next baby, because we've done this already. Our DD is our first together, and my son is 12 yrs old from a previous marriage, so he was older when we hooked up. There's just so much uncertainty. If you're like us, though, we have actually become so much closer having gone through our last pregnancy and our daughter's first year and a half, together. My hubby says he loves me more now than ever, because of everything we've gone through and how great a mommy and wife I am now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I don't realy have any advise, but I wanted to second (third, fourth... ) that I think that many of us are either in your same situation or have been there.<br><br>
I have to say that I had absolutely NO interest when ds was 4 months. I remember telling dh that it isn't a reflection on my feelings towards him, just that I was exhausted and needed a break from someone needing/touching me. That didn't go over very well at all....he felt totally rejected (and in retrospect I can see why). Now that ds is 9 months things are better. I still feel like my libido is pretty much nill, but once we are "doing the deed" i am able to enjoy it. Ditto on taking a lot longer to climax...as well as worrying about ds waking up before dh finishes...I am not realy sure what my point is, other than to say that at least for us, it is getting better. I think it is just important to recognize that you and dp have gone through a major life adjustment. You really are in many ways starting over again...so I think that the awkwardness is normal. Just communicate about it and take it slow. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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