[oceanbaby]

Dh and I are generally on the same page when it comes to discipline, but he doesn't have the benefit of the years that I have spent here on MDC, and with other AP moms. I have learned so much from both sources, that I forget sometimes that he is just kind of winging it. So I thought I would start a discussion with him by giving him a little synopsis of the things I try do instead of yelling and punishing. (Well, sometimes I yell, but I don't like it!) I would love it if you would add your own and help me out. He would be more likely to read and comprehend a bullet point type list rather than an essay on GD.<br><br>
Here are some off the top of my head, in no particular order:<br><br>
- Instead of focusing on what the child CAN'T do, tell them what they CAN do.<br><br>
- Before saying no, take a moment to think about why they can't, and if there is a way to let them do it in a safe and appropriate way.<br><br>
- Empathize with them when they are upset that it is hard when you can't do what you want to do.<br><br>
- Try to offer alternatives instead of just taking away an item or stopping a behavior altogether.<br><br>
- If you do say no, and then realize you acted too hastily, explain to the child that you have thought about it and realized that you were were wrong.<br><br>
- Make sure that your reaction is a 'logical consequence' to the problem - hitting with the stick, taking stick away.<br><br>
- Explain WHY they can't do or have something.

 

[Bippity]

I'd reword the can/can't line a little bit...<br><br>
* When feel you have to you say, "You can't" immediately follow it up with, "But, you can..." and then demonstrate when necessary (i.e., you can't hit the cat, but you can pet him gently. Let me show you.)<br><br>
* Don't say "good job". Say what you see / notice - it's your interest and attention s/he wants more than your praise. "I see you put away those toys, thank you." or "Looks like you made a big tower of blocks." or "You ate all those peas."

 

[arcenciel]

Oceanbaby, I really like this idea! I have been wanting to talk to my dh for a while about this because he always agrees in theory with the gd ideas and then in practice still ends up yelling or threatening or punishing because I think he doesn't have any other ideas what to do.<br><br>
i think I might draw up a similar thing and email it to him - he'll read it then and we don't even have to have a conversation! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
i think I will add in a few which may not be relevant to you but which I think I have to remind him of:<br><br>
- Try and offer them positive choices instead of forbidding something e.g. NOT don't play with that in here, BUT you can play with that outside if you like (I guess this is just a different way of wording your alternatives).<br><br>
- Treat them the way you expect them to treat other people. (politely, with respect).

 

[oceanbaby]

Thanks for the ideas so far. I am definitely going to compile this and email to dh. I sent him an email from another post here, and he was really happy to read it. Like I said in my OP, I sometimes forget that he hasn't had the benefit of these boards or hanging out with other GD moms like I have. His parents weren't abusive or anything, but they weren't GD either - very mainstream, no thinking outside the box types - so he really has no reference point and is just kind of figuring it out as he goes along.<br><br>
I know keeping some of these little snippets in mind helps me throughout the day, and I'm sure they will help him too. You know, when you're frustrated and lose the ability to think creatively!<br><br>
So please keep the ideas coming!

 

[Rainbow]

I did a similar thing- but I put the cheatr sheet up on the fridge for the both of us. I think he felt less like he was being singled out as having "failed" that way. I put it so we could see it as we're filling out glass with water- so we each see it a lot. Its helped.<br><br>
I just thought I'd introduce an alternative way to introduce it if he hasn't specifically asked for it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I have mine saved to word somewhere I'll pst it if I can find it.

 

[mac5977]

Oh, thank you so much for starting this post! My dh is a lot like yours, he frequently resorts to yelling "no, bad" or "no! that's naughty" and I hate it. He's open to trying other ways, but needs frequent suggestions. I think the list will be a great way of letting him figure it out without me constantly "butting in."

 

[allgirls]

yeah, and you really don't want to correct them in front of the children and undermine what they are doing but you know there is a better way and it really is hard not to say so...I try to model GD for my hubby and he gets real impressed(she's only 11 mos so it's relatively easty)<br><br>
I think I will use a cheat sheet as well...

 

[mahdokht]

I love this idea, I think I will print these out and put them on the fridge for both my husband and I to remember!

 

[coleslaw]

Oceanbaby!!! Thank you for this post!! I really need this and it's such a great a idea. (I could use this for me too!). I will try to think of some others and will be back later.

 

[MisfitMama]

I try to have the first thing in my mind be: "What would I do if a friend of mine were doing this?" It applies in most situations. Works on spouses, too!<br><br>
MisfitMama <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="EEK!">

 

[tinams8]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mahdokht</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I love this idea, I think I will print these out and put them on the fridge for both my husband and I to remember!</div>
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Me too! How about one about reacting without emotion when you feel like screaming?

 

[tboroson]

What a great thread <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I think I'll put it on the fridge, too - I know I find it hard to remember things in the heat of the moment sometimes.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Bippity</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I'd reword the can/can't line a little bit...<br><br>
* When feel you have to you say, "You can't" immediately follow it up with, "But, you can..." and then demonstrate when necessary (i.e., you can't hit the cat, but you can pet him gently. Let me show you.)</div>
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I agree, but I also emphasize pointing out to her how we all act - "Talia, we don't pull the cat's tail. We pet the cat gently." "We don't throw food. Food is for eating." That way, it's clear that she's not being singled out for this, but that we're teaching her to do as we do. I don't phrase it that way, of course, for things that I do but she may not, such as using knives. But in any case where I'm teaching behavior that she should copy, I point that fact out to her.<br><br>
I also feel that pointing out to her what it is I'm distracting or removing her from is important. She won't learn what behaviors are inappropriate if I don't. But, I try not to make a huge deal about them, because then she'll start to repeat that behavior just to get a reaction.

 

[abranger]

this is going up on my fridge RIGHT NOW! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
Thank you!

 

[ChinaDoll]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
I really needed these reminders!