[MeganW]

cross posted.
My DH and I are supposed to have our first hearing tomorrow to attempt to get joint equal custody of his children. A lot of things are coming up and he's having to jump through a lot of hoops to prepare for tomorrow. (Something I totally expected but apparently he wasn't prepared for) He is supposed to meet with the attorney in a couple of hours to walk through tomorrow etc. Well I called home to see if he has spoken with the attorney and DH says I don't want to do this? We've paid a $1500 retainer filed with the court etc and besides that if he doesn't work towards resolving something before the 18th he could possibly go to jail. So is there any advice on how to encourage him that his kids are worth the trouble and really a nice way to tell him to GROW UP!!! I'm fed up. One of the agreements we made before we got married is that he wuold take care of all this. Now he's backing out.

BTW He's angry that he has to disclose income, assets, etc and that he may be requested to take a drug test or have a homestudy all of which he feels are serious invasions of his privacy

 

[sparklefairy]

Unfortunately I don't think this is something that you can help him with. This is something that he has to do.

 

[MeganW]

Ok then I guess I need help coping with this. His attitude and lack of determination concerning this issue is really causing me to lose respect for him.

 

[mavery]

I'm not quite clear on the situation. These are his kids from a previous relationship and he is seeking joint custody with their mother? Or you and he are seeking joint custody of the children? Where does jail come into it?

Anyway, it sounds like either this is something where you could step in and do the work (regardless of who was supposed to take care of it), or it is something which is for your dh to deal with and you have to let go and let him deal with it. Easier said than done, but if he has to deal with it, in my experience it really helps to take a step back and let it be his problem - for your own sanity if nothing else. If you think he's having some kind of crisis that you could support him through, let him know you're there for him and will help him any way you can, and otherwise leave him to it.

 

[MeganW]

These are his children from a previous relationship (not a marriage). He is seeking joint custody. Although our attorney seems to be trying for full and attempting to prove their mother unfit (whole other issue)
Jail is coming into play because of a good deal of disputed back support. This would also be a first step in resolving that issue.

 

[sparklefairy]

I'm sorry; I misunderstood what your were explaining before. I thought you were separating and you were talking about mutual children.

My answer is still about the same. I'm having a difficult time imagining what I would do, because owing back support would be a deal breaker for me marrying someone at this point. (Before I had kids, I probably would have been all in wuv and assumed that his owing support was unfair to him.)

I would empathize, reflect his feelings, and get together the paperwork that he requests if I'm the one who knows where it is. But I would not take over without being asked to do so very nicely.

 

[laohaire]

I hope you can work this out. I'm not sure exactly what you need - support on your feelings? Advice on how to handle court? Advice on how to handle the relationship? I don't want to offer anything that isn't what you need. It's easy for us to judge your DH without knowing him, but I don't think this is what you're looking for.

It does concern me that he is not following through on his promise, and it concerns me that he apparently has low regard for his relationship with his children (I say apparently because this may not be the case). So I can definitely say that you are justified in your feelings. Where do you want to go from here? Obviously you want your DH to "grow up" and address this, but since that's up to DH and not you, what's next if he doesn't? Is it a deal breaker for you? If not, how do you want to move forward?

 

[amydidit]

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[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklefairy Unfortunately I don't think this is something that you can help him with. This is something that he has to do.

ITA! He'll either do anything he can to get custody of his kids or he won't. It's up to him.