[Freud]

I am a visitation supervisor on the weekends. I currently supervise a woman and her son for 3 hours once per week. Since the beginning, the son, who is only 7, has had a very difficult time leaving the visits. It often takes him 30-40 minutes to comply with his mother to put on his shoes, even when she reminds him plenty of time before the end of the visit. He lays in her lap, pretends to be asleep, ignores her, and so on.

I am about to be a clinical psychologist (done with course work, going on internship), but I am not necessarily supposed to intervene, just observe. My heart breaks for the mom and child as the visits come to an end, and I would really like to help her. I am trying to turn off the "psychologist mode" and just give her some very simple strategies to help her son leave the visits on time.

Not only am I concerned for the child's well-being, but I am concerned that if she cannot aid him in leaving the visits on time more often, then the judge and/or GAL will look at this negatively (i.e. the child is not adjusting to the visit schedule and the mother is unable to comfort him and/or get him to comply).

Any advice?

 

[pranamama]

it seems like the child is expressing a need for more time with his mother, can she get more visits than just 1 a week.

 

[Freud]

Yes, he clearly needs more time with her, but the judge has only ordered 1 visit per week and the mother has to pay for the supervision, which could get very costly.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Are the visits at her house, and he is expected to leave with you? Have I got that right?

I think it might help to end the visits a half hour early, knowing its going to take him 30-40 minutes to transition.

I'll bet if she walks out, he would follow her. Can she walk with him and you to your car? (Have I got the scenario right?)

What helps the children who come here to play with DD and do not want to leave when its time, while their parents are frustrated and resorting to yelling at the child, is to offer a toy to "borrow" until the child returns again. This lets the child know that she WILL be returning; its a tangible demonstration of caring that the child can cling to in the car and whenever she/he feels sad, and seems to assist with the transition.

Perhaps she can have a special toy or item for him to take home with him with the promise to return it (the promise to return it is the important part because it symbolizes to the child on-going connection). If she does walk with him to the car, that is the time to give the item, and not while still in the house. Its better to "spring" the item on him at that time, at the actual parting, rather than to use it as a bribe to get the child out of the house. What I mean is, she shouldn't say, "I'll give you this as soon as you get in the car" and instead should give it to him after he's in the car, saying, "I love you. Do you want to borrow this until we see each other again?"

The item could even be a shirt of hers, or a sweater, or her often-used coffee cup.

 

[Freud]

That's a really good idea. I'm going to suggest that to her before the visit this Saturday.

Yes, you're right. His father drops him off and I bring him in to the visit. He is supposed to leave the house with me, and I bring him to his father's car.

Sometimes it seems as if she is paralyzed with anxiety/sadness when he refuses to leave, and I don't want to intervene when this is actually happening, since I am not supposed/allowed to intervene (since it is not therapeutic supervision). The only thing I can really do is have a short conversation with her directly before the visit.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

If she is hurting as well, maybe they could trade something.

 

[pranamama]

possibly you could load his mom into the car too, and drop her off somewhere along the way. I don't think a normal child will adapt very well to such infrequent visits, maybe things will change for the better soon. Some kids would be striking out in anger at the end time.

 

[Lisa1970]

Maybe her visits are unfairly supervised. Maybe you could suggest going to unsupervised visits to the judge to allow the child to spend the more time he needs with his mother.

 

[yasinsmama]

I have no suggestions. This makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

 

[Freud]

I cannot suggest going to unsupervised visits. That's the GAL's job. I am not considered an "expert" on this case. I just observe the interactions between mother and child and write reports to the court. If I were called to court, I couldn't even give my "opinion," I would only testify as a factual witness regarding what I have observed during the visits.

Also, the visits are supervised for a reason. I cannot really do anything to change their situation. I can only give her small suggestions to make the separation easier on both of them.

 

[pranamama]

If you resent the mother for not making your job easier, maybe you should pass the case on to another superviser. I really don't see how a child would not be upset at the end of a weeklong 3 hour visit

 

[confustication]

o, you aren't the GAL, but you are someone responsible for this child's well being, and while rules are easy to use to keep a safe distance, htere's nothing stopping you from having a conversation with the GAL and sharing your experiences. To any sane/compassionate human being this will appear as it is, a child desprately seeking more time with mom. If a court somehow wants to twist that to look bad for the mom (no normal child SHOULD adjust well to only 3 hours a week with a parent!) there are huge issues, and the court is looking more to punish the parent than reunite the family (which should ultimately be the goal in MOST cases.)

I guess this comes down to who and what you want to be as you go foward with your career. You can choose to be the 'my hands are tied, I can only do XXXXX,' or you can be proactive and act as an advocate for the people you are working with, even when it means challenging the status quo. Is it the work you love, or the people you work with you care for?

 

[Freud]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pranamama If you resent the mother for not making your job easier, maybe you should pass the case on to another superviser. I really don't see how a child would not be upset at the end of a weeklong 3 hour visit

Pranamama - I clearly do not resent her for "not making my job easier." You are making wide assumptions and honestly, it's offensive. I am concerned for this mother and her child. I am trying to make their lives easier. I am not trying to make either of them "happy," I am looking for strategies to help their separation be less traumatic every single weekend.

Cunfustication-thanks for that post. I have tried to speak with the GAL regarding more and/or unsupervised visits, but she is not willing to advocate for them at this time, as she does not see that as in the best interest of the child. I don't know what else to do. Do you have any other suggestions?

 

[mysticmomma]

How obvious are you during the visit? Would it be possible to be more sparce without leaving them unsupervised? Can you give us a little more info as to why visits are supervised? IE: was there abuse or no?

 

[Cherry Alive]

Why are they separated? Maybe the PAL has good reasons not to allow more visitation. The mother may seem kind now, but in private she may very well be an abusive monster. You may not know the whole story which is why it may be best not to get too involved.

I feel for the little boy. It has to be heartbreaking to watch.

 

[confustication]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mysticmomma How obvious are you during the visit? Would it be possible to be more sparce without leaving them unsupervised? Can you give us a little more info as to why visits are supervised? IE: was there abuse or no?

I find mysel wondering the same thigs. When supervised visitation is ordered, there is *usually* good reason, however if Mom is working on things ans is now appropriately parenting, it's time to reconsider that order- not necessarily for extended times, but I don't know how effectively one can parent while being under the microscope- I know I wouldn't be at my best and my DD would come apart completely.

Ultimately it is up to the GAL- and they may have more insight, but they aren't the eyes there at the time, and sometimes they need a kick in the pants to see that the parent they were protecting the child from initially is making positive changes and needs to be recognized for that as well. (Heh, you can tell I've been involved in this for too long!) In our county, we have a monthly child protective team meeting, and everyone attends and openly tosses out what they believe/notice/think about an ongoing case. Often, the person supervising visitation has the most to offer as they are the eyes and ears. However, we are a tiny community, so it's pretty easy to keep track of people- that probably isn't as feasible where you are.

(On a side note, we move away from supervised visitation asap here, it really isn't helping anyone unless the parent isn't making any changes at all and continues to pose a very real danger- again, small town, we all know who is who and what's going on...)

 

[crl]

I have a kid who doesn't do well with transitions so these suggestions are coming from that point of view:

1. routine. If I were the mom, I would try to set up a routine so that the last 15 minutes of the visit were exactly the same every time.

2. minimize the need for compliance. I would try to minimize the need for the child to participate in the leaving. Don't take the shoes off so that they don't have to be put back on. Or (if this wouldn't negatively affect the mom's position with the judge) let the kid go to the car without wearing the shoes.

3. transition object. As a pp mentioned, give the child something to borrow until the next visit. A laminated picture of mom and child might be a good choice. Would dad be willing to read a letter from mom? She could send a note for bedtime each night or something. . . .

4. something to look forward to. If it is logistically possible to have something waiting for the child in the car, like a favorite stuffed animal or a yummy snack, I would do this. Perhaps mom could give the child a yummy, healthy snack to eat as soon as he/she gets in the car?

5. a timer. This can go either way, but some kids react better to a timer than to a parent signaling the end of a visit. It might be worth trying.

Catherine

 

[mysticmomma]

CRL! These are great ideas!

 

[purplepaperclip]

No advice here. It must be a difficult situation. I just wanted to comment that it may not be looked upon kindly in the social services sector to be soliciting advise regarding your clients on the internet. Usually confidentiality clauses preclude these discussions even if names and places aren't used. I would proceed with caution.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pranamama If you resent the mother for not making your job easier, maybe you should pass the case on to another superviser. I really don't see how a child would not be upset at the end of a weeklong 3 hour visit

I didn't get that from her post. I got that Freud really wanted to help both the mother and the child. I didn't hear anything that indicated she was personally annoyed with either's behavior.