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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i hate my exdh. he lies. ALL the time. about everything. the latest is his gf pregnancy. said baby was due around halloween. had his mother call and tell me it's due august 15. now, his mother called again saying that the baby is being induced this friday. why, i said, isn't it 2 weeks early? oh, they moved the due date up again a few weeks ago. the baby is large (6lbs 2 oz) so they are inducing. we (me and his parents) did not find out about the pregancy until mid may. so, now they want my dd to go this weekend to meet her baby sister. there go our weekend plans (i had cleared the calendar for mid august).
he has missed our dd therapy appointments (he said he knew about it but did not know he should cancel since he could not make it- he made the appointment!- it's regarding the affects of the lack of supervision at his house and dd behavior-) he missed because he has to work before the new baby gets here but he hasn't paid june or july child support yet.
it is not good for me to feel this angry. i just don't want to hate him any more. i don't want to be lied to but i know that he will never change. his family can't understand why i am upset (they tell me he lies to me so i won't get upset) i thought that part of his 12 step program is not lying. (he is a recovering (?) addict.) i am so tired of being angry when i think of him or have to deal with him.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ryder
so, now they want my dd to go this weekend to meet her baby sister. there go our weekend plans (i had cleared the calendar for mid august).

Say no.
 

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If there are issues with inadequate supervision already, having a newborn around probably isn't going to improve matters. I wouldn't be changing my plans for the situation you describe.
 

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If your goal is to not hate him, I don't see how preventing your daughter from meeting her new baby sister will help. It would be sad to put your daughter in the middle of this. Let her go. Tell them you know how much work a new baby is and that if they need you to come get her sooner, you will.

As far as lies about when his baby is due, why does that even matter? Just pretend you could care less, since really what is the purpose of him lying? (I actually worked with a guy who had no idea when his wife was due, or how pregnant she was, so it can happen.) If they tell you it's coming early, then you can just say "that's nice" and not ask why. The less you ask, the fewer chances he or his family has to lie to you.

As far as missing the therapy appointments, that's different. If you make the appointment let him know when it is, and then let it go. You go to the appointment, and if he's not there, he's not there. Unless you are going to drive to his house and get him, you can't control his behavior.

Your anger really comes through in your post, and I can't imagine that it is an enjoyable feeling, or making your home life happy. My bf is very angry about issues with his ex. I wish that he could just let them go as well. It's hard, but it's the only thing you can do. By being angry and hating him you are letting him have control over your life, when he shouldn't.

Until you really don't hate him anymore, and can really release the anger, just pretend that nothing that he does phases you. Sometimes you have to act like you don't care, and then you stop caring. As my brother puts it, sometimes the hand has to lead the heart.

I'm am working on letting go of anger towards my DP's ex. It's difficult, but one of the things I am doing is sewing a bag for her because her daughter told me she wanted one (she had seen the one I made for her daughter and asked her if I'd make one for her.) So, send your daughter to meet her new baby sister, and send a gift as well. And then breathe.
 

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The baby isn't going to dissappear if her dd doesn't run out to see it on a weekend when they already had plans. Why can't her dd see the baby at a regularly scheduled visitation? It's not going to hurt anyone. But, it will save the OP's feelings. Why are the alcoholics feelings more important than the OPs?

Quote:

Originally Posted by fek&fuzz
Until you really don't hate him anymore, and can really release the anger, just pretend that nothing that he does phases you[.
It seems to me that he's already "phased" her, and she past that part. I guess I just really don't understand how being a doormat and totally enabling his behavior would help. And, how is she supposed to "release" anything, if she's never allowed to show her anger or honor her own feelings?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
i have agreed for my dd to visit for 24 hrs. it would have been nice had exdh been the one to tell me, not his mother. to have been honest- he has known the due date but has chosen to lie; his friends had long been aware of the pregnancy. i have bent over backwards to accomodate him. why not give us (me and dd) a heads up on the due date?
i just want to let go of this intense anger. it just builds with every lie. and with the therapist- HE made the appointment and cried in the parking lot when he was an hour and a half late and missed the first one. he was not included in the first two sessions and he missed the last two sessions. does that make sense?
 

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ryder, hon, you're not going to let go of the anger until you take control of the situation and stop letting him jerk you around.

I agree with others; the newborn won't disappear. If there are problems with supervision at his home, that sounds to me like an issue for the courts. If he doesn't make it to the appointment, document that and use it. His immature reaction in the parking lot is his problem, not yours. Frankly, it sounds like a mark of serious loserdom, which is something you want to distance yourself from.

If he lies to you about things that are immaterial to you (like when his gf is due), that's something just to document, again, as a mark of his unreliability. If it is material to you (like, say, where he was with dd, or what kind of supervision there was for her), then that's something to take control of as far as you can.

I'm sure you don't feel like hearing this, but it sounds like some of this is coming from some hope that he'll change into someone he's not, and treat you & dd better. That's one it's probably best to handle in therapy. Just be glad that your relationship with him is limited to his involvement with your daughter over the next decade or so. Your daughter will be grateful for whatever healthy protection you can teach her re the disappointment that comes from liars.

It sounds like you have a decent relationship with your daughter's grandmother, and that's something to be thankful for. She (ex-mil) may know all about the lying. I just talked to an xbf's mother after a break of about a decade; the xbf had married, and I'd backed off. When she brought up his lying, which is a serious problem in his current marriage, I was so relieved. You just don't want to tell a mother, "Hey, your son's a pathological liar." But she knew all about it, and we could finally talk about what had happened. It didn't solve the problem, mind, but it was good to be able to connect with this lady again. I feel for the xbf's wife, though.
 

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If you already have plans I would keep them. They kept the due date a secret so you had no way to try to accomodate them. I remember when I gave birth I was exhausted and the baby will be there the day after you return from your plans. I gave up my time so my ex could see the children on his b-day and got no gratitude, only criticism so in the future I will stick to the visitation schedule. Anger has a way of building when you give more than you get in a relationship over and over and over again. Even ex's can be cooperative and reciprocal, or not.
 
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