[DevaMajka]

I hate that I say this to ds. I want to show him that feelings are ok, how you feel is how you feel, there's no right or wrong, etc. (obviously, how it is expressed is sometimes not acceptable- as in the case of hitting when angry)<br><br>
But I find myself WAY too often yelling "STOP IT!" when he's crying. Or whining.<br>
I *think* what's happening is that I want to make things ok, I want to fix it. So I offer a solution. He's not happy with it. So at that point (after a bit more talking, solutions, etc), I get frustrated and basically express that he HAS to either be ok with the solution, or get over it. Basically, be happy OR be happy.<br>
Interestingly enough, when he was a baby, crying didn't bother me at all. But, then again, I could almost always fix it with nursing.<br><br>
Also, stuff like this: yesterday, I was putting tofu in containers to put in the freezer. He saw me and wanted some. I told him that I didn't think he'd like it raw, he said ok. AFTER I got it all packaged up and put in the freezer and started on somethign else, he decided he DID want to try some. He got all whiny and upset. I said "Fine, I will get you a bite. But you BETTER eat the entire bite." (I gave him a tiny piece- half a bite for him). I have no idea where that came from. That's so not the parent I want to be. It's idiotically stupid. So I got him a bite, he didn't like it (and didn't eat it), and I huffed about it.<br>
Right afterwards, he did the same basic thing with frozen stock cubes. I told him to go play in the living room and leave me alone. Not those exact words, but not any nicer.<br><br>
Um, why in the WORLD would I get that upset over that? I don't get it.<br>
Seems that it could be related to my dad using the phrase "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."<br><br>
So, I don't know what to do. What can I do? I need some ideas- scripts? Would I even be able to do that? Even short easy ones?<br>
I'd rather ignore the crying than order him to stop, but I don't like that idea either. Plus I don't know if I'd even be able to do it.<br><br>
Dp says to just stick with no (like in the tofu case), and let him be upset about it. He's not saying that because it's what HE would do- he's much more patient and accepting than I am. He's trying to give me ideas to help me deal better (I'm sure he's appalled that I react the way I do, but he's never expressed that to me).<br><br>
So...tell me anything that you think would help me.

 

[cutekid]

I live with a three year old and I am not very good at GD. I sometimes fly off the handle, make the wrong decisions and choices with my words.<br>
If my DS wants to try something, I let him. If he decides he doesn't want to try something right then, he has lost his chance. As in your case you'd already put it away. I would explain that the opportunity to try tofu has now passed. If he gets upset empathize with the feelings that he lost his chance to try it.<br>
As for telling him to stop behaving a certain way..crying seems to be the one most parents have tough time with, it mostly depends on teh situation. I cannot STAND whining. I tell my DS the moment he starts that its not how we communicate. I demonstrate to him what I am talking about. (some kids may not know what whining is) Then I give him a chance to get himself together.<br>
As for an all out tantrum because he doesn't get his way. They happen. Sometimes I get upset when things don't go my way. As the tantrum and crying go on, I let him know that I understand his feelings, but crying, hitting, and biting are not how we get what we want. End of story. If there is some unmet need, I will search for it after the tantrum has subsided but I try very hard to just ride out the emotion rather than try to stop it.<br><br>
HTH><br><br>
Denise

 

[Fuamami]

I have this exact same tendency. In fact, I can see myself doing the same thing you did.<br><br>
One thing that helps me when my dd is crying is to just quietly empathise. For example, this morning I put this shirt on ds1 that used to be hers. It's a Ween shirt that her daddy got her, and she was sad she had grown out of it. So she started crying and I told her that she could have it back after ds1 grew out of it. But then, of course, she just kept crying. So I just calmly said, "You're sad, you grew out of your favorite shirt. It used to fit, but it doesn't anymore."<br><br>
I don't know if this helped her at all, but it helped me stay calm, and I could move on.

 

[Danaoc]

Deva33mommy,<br>
I hear your frustration, and I admire that you want to react differently to your ds. That awareness is something to keep in the forefront in your mind.<br><br>
For crying I say, "I hear you are crying. Is there anything I can do to help you?" And then I let my ds pour his little heart out. If he doesn't, I just stay close. I take anger out of the situation - it doesn't serve me or my ds. If I need to self-empathize, I express my own needs without putting emotion on ds. "I feel frustrated because I just put all this food away."<br><br>
And in situations like your tofu one, I ask myself, "what is important for me right now?" I keep my focus on the long term. Is it a big deal to take some out and let him try it? Or is it better that my ds feels my annoyance with him? If it's about control in those situations, I let it go. (And I used to be a major control freak.) Like anger or other negative feelings, they don't serve me.<br>
Hope this helps!

 

[Cheshire]

Hugs to you. When DS cries it is probably the hardest for me, too, because my dad used to holler at me to stop crying (because he couldn't stand to see me cry but instead of empathizing with me he just did what he knew at the time and that was to yell. of course that made it worse).<br><br>
I have a few ideas for you.<br><br>
First, try to change your thinking that you don't have to fix things for him or tell him what he will think of something. I mention this for the tofu incident. You said he asked you for some and you told him you didn't think he'd like it raw. He said okay then later told you he wanted to try it anyway. Right here I'd say make a change - when he asked you to try some hold back on what you think he will like or not like and just give him a bite. Instead of commenting on it just let him experiment and try it out. Tell him if he doesn't like it he may spit it out in the trash can (or a napkin, etc. but give him a place to spit it).<br><br>
But, because he came back later and wanted to try it anyway here is another opportunity to switch your thinking. Instead of telling him he has to eat the whole bite tell yourself he is a person, he can think for himself and he has changed his mind. If you don't mind getting him a bite to try right then, then do it and think of it as a chance to see how he operates, what he thinks of raw tofu, how he will react, etc. It is a learning experience for both you and him. But, if you don't feel like getting him a bite at that moment let him know that next time you have the raw tofu out he can try it.<br><br>
I have learned (and am always learning) how to control my temper and yelling. My parents yelled, not a lot, but enough. My DH's family never yelled so I watch him a lot to see how he handles his anger. One of the most important things that affects my behavior is that I do not want my son to grow up and think that yelling is acceptable and I especially don't want him to remember that his mom yelled at him. That thought absolutely breaks my heart and I certainly don't want him to have that memory.<br><br>
If he cries I talk to him calmly to see what is going on. If I offer solutions and he still cries I simple tell him he has choices, what they are and once he is done crying/gotten it out of his system/calmed down, etc. then he can let me know what his choice is. If I leave the room I'll tell him to come find me in the living room and let me know what he's decided. All of the time I let him know that if he needs a hug or to be held to let me know (and sometimes, when he is very upset or tired, I simply pick him up and hold him which helps me calm down, too, just connecting with him physically is a great solution).<br><br>
Most of all think of how you would want your DP or your boss, or your friends to treat you if you were in a similar situation. If you were crying would you want someone to tell you to get over it? I doubt it, and then think about how it sounds to a child. Just keep reminding yourself that every time you change your behavior it will have a huge impact on your son and when you behave like you want to, even though it is hard and goes against your grain, it is a little victory. Those little victories add up (and eventually your grain will change).<br><br>
And, again, you don't have to fix him - just be there for him. Know that his crying is not a reflection on you and when you hear him try and focus on your empathy and not on the sounds of his whining/crying. Get past the sounds and think about what must be causing him to cry - is he tired, is he hungry, or does he just need to cry so he can learn to handle all of the new emotions he is dealing with. I know as an adult I have a hard enough time dealing with frustrations that I can't imagine what it must be like for a child.<br><br>
One other thing you might try is walking him to his room. If he doesn't want or need a hug then walk him to his room and let him know that he needs to hang out in there until he has calmed back down and feels he is capable of communicating with you (do not set a time limit). This works great for our DS. Sometimes he tells us no, that he is all better and so he stays in the living room with us and he really is done crying. Other times he stays in his room for 1 minute or 30 minutes. He gets to pick when he is ready to rejoin us. Not setting a time limit is important because if you tell him to stay in there for 3 minutes what happens if he isn't over it in 3 minutes? He comes out and is still upset. Or, what if he is over it in 1 minute and has to stay isolated for 2 more minutes? Give him the opportunity to make his own decision and listen to his own emotions.<br><br>
Congrats on looking for solutions!

 

[mezzaluna]

lots of smart ideas <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> but you're also a smart mama, and i think you know all these strategies... though it never hurts to get some gentle reminders when you're out of energy... but what i'm really seeing here is a tense, stressed-out mom. you know what you want to do, but you recognize you're not always doing it - why? maybe some mama pampering is in order! more sleep? exercise? time alone?

 

[DevaMajka]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>natensarah</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have this exact same tendency. In fact, I can see myself doing the same thing you did.</div>
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At least I know I'm in good company <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mezzaluna</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9240110"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">lots of smart ideas <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> but you're also a smart mama, and i think you know all these strategies... though it never hurts to get some gentle reminders when you're out of energy... but what i'm really seeing here is a tense, stressed-out mom. you know what you want to do, but you recognize you're not always doing it - why? maybe some mama pampering is in order! more sleep? exercise? time alone?</div>
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yeah...lol. It's like I *know* all this stuff. And I could give someone else good advice, if I had to. But I can't (don't) control what I actually do!<br>
Reminders are good, different perspectives help, and I think what helps me the most is scripts. If I have something to say that I don't have to think about, and it can just come out, it helps me stay calmer. I'm actually doing *something* for the situation, and it gives me that much needed second to chill out.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>cutekid</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9238582"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I tell my DS the moment he starts that its not how we communicate.</div>
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That might come in handy. It truly is not a good way to communicate with me- I just feel so much less like doing anything nice for him.<br>
It's funny, but tantrums don't bother me that much. Perhaps because I'm aware that it's already gone so far that there's not much I can do other than be there. I'm starting to get the feeling that a lot of my problem with crying and whining comes from wanting to fix things for him (and instead I make things much worse!)<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Danaoc</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9238839"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">For crying I say, "I hear you are crying. Is there anything I can do to help you?"</div>
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That one might come in handy too.<br>
I definitely feel that in the tofu situation, I should have just done it. And if he had asked in a regular voice, I would have done it, no problem. It's totally not a big deal, and it's not like I have places to go and people to see. lol. But the whining- gah!<br><br>
I've been thinking recently about the way dp treats me (and ds), and how amazing he is. THAT is how every person should be treated, including kids. He never says "I told you so." Never criticizes my mistakes- when I majorly screw up, he doesn't say anything unless I seem like i want to talk about it. Then, he empathizes, tells me what works for him (in a really non-judgmental way- somehow, he never makes it sound like he's any better at dealing than I am), and says for me to take some time to relax.<br>
I got pet rats- which he didn't want. He was NOT happy that I was spending money on rats when we're broke. They are so so so much work, they stink, and they are driving me crazy. He has NEVER said anything remotely like "I told you so" or to make me feel any worse about it. He doesn't complain when I ask for his help with them (though I don't ask for much). He even comments on how funny they are to watch, and says they don't smell THAT bad.<br><br>
I want to be like that!!!!!!!!!!!!<br><br>
Is there an NVC way to say something like- I'm overwhelmed when I hear whining.

 

[Fuamami]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9241126"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">yeah...lol. It's like I *know* all this stuff. And I could give someone else good advice, if I had to. But I can't (don't) control what I actually do!.</div>
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Have you read "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FParenting-Inside-Out-Daniel-Siegel%2Fdp%2F1585422959%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%2F103-3323946-2366228%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1190410532%26sr%3D8-1" target="_blank">Parenting From the Inside Out</a>?" He talks a lot about the science behind the mind, and one of his suggestions is to journal, it actually helps build the synapses between the right and left brain, which in turn helps one to be more mindful.<br><br>
Anyway, there are other suggestions, too, that I've been working on, but I'm not sure I'd recommend the book. Ever since I read it I have felt SO much pressure knowing that my reactions are hard-wiring my kids' emotions

 

[Danaoc]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9241126"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is there an NVC way to say something like- I'm overwhelmed when I hear whining.</div>
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Yes First, I don't comment on their behavior or say that they are whining. And when I hear it I don't use a lot of words. I get down on his level and simply say, "I need to be talked to in a gentle way" OR "I need to be asked in a gentle tone and with polite words."<br><br>
It may take a few times for them to get it. If need be I add on, "You can ask me like this..."

 

[chinaKat]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9238352"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Seems that it could be related to my dad using the phrase "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."</div>
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I just have to say that I hear my dad's voice saying this in my head about a dozen times a day. DD is the same age as your son... I know the whining is supposed to come with the territory... but it's ALL I CAN DO to deal with it sometimes!!!!<br><br>
No specific advice here, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I agree -- it's SO HARD not to criticize the crying, because as an adult you feel like it's just too much!<br><br>
My kid can cry at the drop of a hat. This morning she FREAKED because I put the milk into the scrambled eggs. "I DON'T WANT YOU TO PUT THE MILK IN!!!!!" agh! How was I to know she wanted to do it? I mean, I *did* ask if she wanted to help and she said no, silly me for believing her! Seriously, it took ten minutes to talk her down from this. Ten hairy, scary, I can't believe you're crying over THIS minutes, where I just barely maintained my cool. Barely.<br><br>
This stuff happens all the time, especially if she's low on sleep or food. I try hard to stay on top of that, but ugh.<br><br>
I love three. Thank god she's awesome when she's not driving me crazy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[SublimeBirthGirl]

My patience level is usually directly related to how much sleep I'm getting. I find when I take care of myself, I have much more patience in general.

 

[proudmamanow]

this is a good thread. Dd has just started back at daycare (a lovely caring place, but still lots of extra stress for her). And the stress has spilled out by her following me around in the morning or whiiiiiiiining when I'm not in sight, by her side, am off doing all the things I need to do to get ready for work. And when I'm in getting ready mode, I'm so much less patient, not to mention feeling guilty about working, about daycare, about all this stuff that makes it harder for me to stay in the moment and listen to what she is communicating.<br><br>
not to hijack, just to say that these are great tips. taking notes.

 

[swampangel]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SublimeBirthGirl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9243318"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My patience level is usually directly related to how much sleep I'm getting. I find when I take care of myself, I have much more patience in general.</div>
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Amen. This is exactly my experience. Unfortunately, getting enough sleep isn't always possible...for me, with a nursing toddler, some nights are crazy and I'm just run down.<br><br>
To the OP, I would take some time to reflect on what's going on with you right now and get clear about your reactions. If it's about your own upbringing, your father, lack of support right now, exhaustion, etc. It isn't about your kiddo...he's just being himself. But you know that.<br><br>
If you can shift your focus to yourself and your own issues that are cropping up, less frustration may come out with your child. I know that when I'm really snapping and losing patience with my son, it's usually because there's something I'm not attending to in myself. Once I focus in on what is going on with me, I can make a plan to better prepare for parenting challenges and my reactions to my son.<br><br>
Some phrases or scripts might help, but I think in the moment when emotions run high, it's hard to draw on that. Maybe just walking away and not saying anything for a moment. Maybe having a little note on your bathroom mirror reminding you that you're in a tough place right now and it's not about him.<br><br>
Hang in there...we all hit those points. It's part of this journey and usually these places are where we grow. Geez, I sound like a huge cheeseball!

 

[cutekid]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chinaKat</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9242336"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
My kid can cry at the drop of a hat. This morning she FREAKED because I put the milk into the scrambled eggs. "I DON'T WANT YOU TO PUT THE MILK IN!!!!!" agh! How was I to know she wanted to do it? I mean, I *did* ask if she wanted to help and she said no, silly me for believing her! Seriously, it took ten minutes to talk her down from this. Ten hairy, scary, I can't believe you're crying over THIS minutes, where I just barely maintained my cool. Barely.<br></div>
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My DS does this. Sometimes I feel like I am walking on egg shells if things aren't done in a correct order. My DS will quietly say something..like "no milk". Then when he sees me doing it because I didn't hear he'll fly off the handle. THen I have to wait out the tears and my own frustration.<br><br>
Per schoolers are a breed all of their own.<br><br>
Denise

 

[DevaMajka]

My library has Parenting from the Inside Out. It looks like a nice day to walk up.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Danaoc</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9241845"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes First, I don't comment on their behavior or say that they are whining. And when I hear it I don't use a lot of words. I get down on his level and simply say, "I need to be talked to in a gentle way" OR "I need to be asked in a gentle tone and with polite words."</div>
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Thank you! That's perfect!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>swampangel</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9244140"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If you can shift your focus to yourself and your own issues that are cropping up, less frustration may come out with your child.</div>
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Good point. And when I do this, it does help. But then I slip out of it. It's good to have a reminder.<br>
I'm also pretty sure I have sensory issues- loud noises really bother me. And I'm sure that has something to do with it. If I remind myself that THAT is part of the problem, then it's easier to deal with.

 

[DevaMajka]

As an update of sorts, we had a "consensual day" yesterday. I've been trying to have one for days. lol It just really seemed that it would help with the connection, and would be good for both of us.<br><br>
It was nice. Ds and I ended up going to Ikea (though ds is usually pretty easy when we're shopping). We were there for 3 hours, and everything was great the entire time.<br>
He wanted to eat, so we went to eat, and there's a play area in the cafeteria. I at first told him that he had to eat first, then I thought "How fair is that to make him eat when the play area is just CALLING to him?" So I quicky told him that he can play first, I just want to make sure he eats something at some point. He opted to eat first, but it was totally his choice, and he was happy about it.<br>
He played afterwards, and I was ready to go, so I told him, he asked for a few more minutes, I waited, asked if he was ready and he said he was. Halfway across the cafeteria he said, in a calm voice, that he really wasn't done playing. So we went back. No judgment in my mind, just understanding. It was nice. He played for about 5 more minutes and left easily when I said I had to use the bathroom.<br>
We looked around for my stuff, and he said he wanted to go back to the toy section (and if you've been to Ikea, you know that that's not a simple task). I looked at one more thing, and we went back, got a toy for him, and the rest of the trip was a breeze.<br>
The only problem is...(hehehe) that I buy him way too much stuff when he's being un-whiny and cooperative (and we're on a budget). lol. It was just really fun.<br>
(on a side note, I got a kid sized Ikea table and chair for $8. It had pencil marks all over it. We got it home, and it came totally clean, except for one worn out spot. I'm easily excited. lol)<br><br>
So, part of this was my goal of having a Consensual Day. The other part was that he hadn't done any whining yet. It's so easy for me to be indulgent when he's talking in a regular voice!

 

[Magella]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9241126"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is there an NVC way to say something like- I'm overwhelmed when I hear whining.</div>
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Maybe: "I feel tense when I hear whining, because the sound of whining bothers my ears. Will you please use a gentle, soft voice to tell me what you need?"<br><br>
Here's a way I used to talk about how loud noises affect me (seems NVC-ish, without the formal NVC style): "when there's a lot of noise, I feel all jangly inside and I get kind of cranky." Then I could ask them to use a softer voice, turn off the noisy toy, take the noise somewhere else, whatever. We came up with 'jangly' when my oldest was young enough that she was having trouble understanding 'tense' and 'overwhelmed' and the like. Nowadays I'll just say I'm feeling tense or overwhelmed and need (space, less noise, to be spoken to softly, etc.).<br><br><br>
Sleepless In America had the example of building a volcano with a child (baking soda and vinegar, it bubbles up). The author and the child talked about how bubbly the volcano is, then added something to reduce the bubbles. This was to illustrate how we get all wound up and tense, and after that the child called her feeling of overarousal/tension "I'm bubbly inside."<br><br>
Glad you had a good day yesterday.

 

[maryjane]

This has been a great thread for me -- I definitely struggle with this with my 4 yo (he is in the cry over.every.single.thing phase and I'm going a bit batty!)<br><br>
The irony of irony is that when DS was 20 months and my FIL said to him, "Don't cry. You're a big boy," I nearly kicked him out of my house. And now I've come dangerously close to saying the same thing to him. I will definitely be reviewing this thread a few more times!

 

[swampangel]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9247579"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">As an update of sorts, we had a "consensual day" yesterday. I've been trying to have one for days. lol It just really seemed that it would help with the connection, and would be good for both of us.<br><br>
It was nice. Ds and I ended up going to Ikea (though ds is usually pretty easy when we're shopping). We were there for 3 hours, and everything was great the entire time.<br>
He wanted to eat, so we went to eat, and there's a play area in the cafeteria. I at first told him that he had to eat first, then I thought "How fair is that to make him eat when the play area is just CALLING to him?" So I quicky told him that he can play first, I just want to make sure he eats something at some point. He opted to eat first, but it was totally his choice, and he was happy about it.<br>
He played afterwards, and I was ready to go, so I told him, he asked for a few more minutes, I waited, asked if he was ready and he said he was. Halfway across the cafeteria he said, in a calm voice, that he really wasn't done playing. So we went back. No judgment in my mind, just understanding. It was nice. He played for about 5 more minutes and left easily when I said I had to use the bathroom.<br>
We looked around for my stuff, and he said he wanted to go back to the toy section (and if you've been to Ikea, you know that that's not a simple task). I looked at one more thing, and we went back, got a toy for him, and the rest of the trip was a breeze.<br>
The only problem is...(hehehe) that I buy him way too much stuff when he's being un-whiny and cooperative (and we're on a budget). lol. It was just really fun.<br>
(on a side note, I got a kid sized Ikea table and chair for $8. It had pencil marks all over it. We got it home, and it came totally clean, except for one worn out spot. I'm easily excited. lol)<br><br>
So, part of this was my goal of having a Consensual Day. The other part was that he hadn't done any whining yet. It's so easy for me to be indulgent when he's talking in a regular voice!</div>
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That is awesome! What a welcome change to have a lovely day together. Good for you for adjusting your reactions and being so conscious in your interactions with him.<br><br>
One thought I had when I read this was what would have happened if you didn't buy him the toy? This is where I stumble a bit, too. Things are going smoothly and I don't want that to change. It seems easier to just buy the toy but that kind of goes against my values of not being an unconscious consumer. It's not always a big deal, but I wonder what it means when I'm indulging him to avoid a problem...and also to satisfy my own pleasure in seeing him get a new toy.

 

[DevaMajka]

Thanks <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>swampangel</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9250052"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">One thought I had when I read this was what would have happened if you didn't buy him the toy? This is where I stumble a bit, too. Things are going smoothly and I don't want that to change. It seems easier to just buy the toy but that kind of goes against my values of not being an unconscious consumer. It's not always a big deal, but I wonder what it means when I'm indulging him to avoid a problem...and also to satisfy my own pleasure in seeing him get a new toy.</div>
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Hmmm...I wasn't buying it to avoid a problem. I've been wanting to buy him some wooden toys, and this looked like something that he'd have lots of creative fun with. I also felt that it wasn't quite fair for me to buy some things, and not let ds get anything.<br>
But I see where you're coming from. I'm not sure what would have happened if I had said no to the toy. I think its easy for me to find something that he can have/pick out that will be useful for the household.<br>
Though, really, I think he would have been happy enough with just the ice cube tray I let him pick out. lol.