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Discussion Starter #1
This isn't an "it's so unfair rant" I just would like some view points here. Hubby and I are great together, I can't imagine being with anyone else.<br><br>
I'm a stay at home mom to our 6 month old twins. I used to be a programmer, and hubby's in the same field. Hubby has a good job, though it's kind of far away. We're looking for a place in the city so that he can spend more of that travel time with his family. I don't get out much. Once or twice a month. My parents are nearby to help us a lot. When I do get out, it's generally either dates with hubby or a scrapbooking class I sometimes take once a month. It's still kind of hard to find babysitting - twins are *really* hard, and I'm nursing them, which makes it more difficult.<br><br>
I've been dying to "get back into music" for a long time. DH and I were both in band (together!) growing up and we consider it an important part of "who we are" as a couple. I've been playing guitar in my downtime and hubby has strongly encouraged me to get lessons. Now that the boys are 6 months, things are getting easier on baby sitters and I feel more confident that someone else can handle them for a little longer, and I *finally* made arrangements to get lessons.<br><br>
The teacher is in the city and teaches out of his home, and I worked it out that I'd only go every other week. It would be about 3 hours total, between transportation. My babysitting fell through, but hubby said he'd come home early those days and stay with the babes. Excellent. So I set a start date.<br><br>
Hubby is extraordinarily uncomfortable about this, and I can feel it exuding from him. He's been needier and seems almost desperate to keep me from going. He scrambled to change the plans from him coming home to me going to meet him at work (with boys in tow) and him waiting around until I'm done and driving home together. I can't see how having the babies in the car/stroller for 3 hours total is going to be easier for him, but I'm willing to do that.<br><br>
(Long story, hubby doesn't drive, he takes a bus into the city. So I couldn't just meet him at work, and have him drive the boys home or anything like that.)<br><br>
Now. I understand it's a little awkward as a married woman to go to the house of another man, but I also feel like I was encouraged to find a good teacher and now the terms have changed on me? Since he hasn't come out and asked me not to do this, (though he keeps stating how uneasy he is about this) and we've pretty well agreed about the "plan" - is it ok for me to go? I'm feeling guilty for some reason.<br><br>
I can't tell if he's feeling jealous or protective, or both. He keeps joking about, "You're sure he doesn't have a pit in the basement like silence of the lambs?"<br><br>
But honestly, I'm going crazy here at home. I need to see another adult, need to feel like I'm using my brain. I feel like it's a fair thing for me to request. I suppose I could back off and try to find a female guitar teacher or something, but I was pretty excited since this guy's style suits exactly the way I'd like to learn.
 

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You are being really thoughtful about this, not to get defensive or resentful of him!<br><br>
Can you ask him straight out, "I can tell this is making you really uncomfortable. Can you tell me why? And is there anything I can do to make you feel better about it? These lessons are really important to me, and I want to find a way that we both feel OK with it." And if he says "No, no! I'm fine!" then take him at his word and go ahead.
 

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Is it possible that he is more uncomfortable with the thought of parenting the twins without you for that long, or do you really feel that it is jealousy? In any case, before I went forward with the plan, I would try to get the to bottom of why he is uncomfortable with it so that you guys can talk honestly about it. I would just start by saying. . ."Ya know, I noticed that you seem uncomfortable with this lesson. . ." and then just listen to what he has to say. You definitely have every right to pursue this, and it is great that you are picking up on the signals from DH and are trying to work through it. Good luck! (My twins are now 7, they get much easier!)
 

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Perhaps your DH could go with you to the first session to meet this guy and see if everything is ok? Or ask the guy for references from other students? Are you sure your DH isn't just worried about watching the kids by himself?
 

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It seems like you are both being reasonable and rational. It sounds like your dh is having uncomfortable feelings, but he's not trying to keep you from your plans. I would also try to get him to speak honestly about his feelings and ask him what would help him feel better about it. It just seems like you both have alot of respect for each others feelings (good and bad) and that communication will get you through this.
 

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Has he been alone with the babies yet? If not maybe he's just anxious about that? What to do if they both start crying 'cause they want Mom and he can't calm them. (Which more than likely he'll be able to calm them down just fine - but if he's used to you being there and nursing being the primary means of making them happy - was w/ my DS at that age! - then maybe he just doesn't know) I think DS was 7 mos before DH watched him the first time for longer than a few minutes....that was the earliest I felt like I could leave and know that he wouldn't need to nurse for a couple hours... and DH was/is a very active/involved parent and did a lot of caretaking, but it's different for guys to watch (esp nursing) babies by themselves - maybe he's just not feeling up to the task?<br>
If so...maybe you can leave them w/ him for shorter sessions first....go for a walk maybe, then later take a trip to a store, let him build up to 3 hrs. Make sure he's able to give the babies a bottle or sippy if needed (3 hrs is still pretty long for a 6 mos old, sometimes)
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Nah, DH is incredible with the boys. I've gone scrapbooking a few times for 3ish hours, maybe more, and he always says that if he's not doing anything else, he'd rather be with the boys than ask my parents to watch them or whatever. They, uh, are admittedly kind of hard to feed bottles these days, but I scheduled the lesson over their typical dinner time so that hubby could give them some solids - that usually will tide them over until I get back. Worst comes to worst, he'll put them in bouncers and play ukulele for them - it's his daddy "ace up his sleeve."
 

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I would ask the teacher if it's okay for you to stop by with your husband to say hi and check it out (location and teacher) asap. It may be all it takes for your husband to get comfortable or it could help tease out what the real problem is.
 

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My husband is a music teacher ( lessons) and I know what you mean, the concern your dh mighthave and if it were my hubs as your teacher, would have no problem meeting your dh and having him sit in on a lesson.<br>
Your dh will probably be reassured after the first session, so dont stress "big picture" on it or anything.<br>
I too, sometimes feel a little strange with my dh having all of these private lessons with different women.....but I trust him and know that he is wearing his wedding ring the whole time. (Haha)
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Just wanted to post a resolution here. DH and I worked it out and he actually met up with the instructor at his place before I got there and we could do the baby trade off. My teacher even showed DH his own ukulele, lol. DH was a lot more relaxed after that and took the boys for a walk at a park down the street while I took lessons and then we came home and he picked my brains about what I learned. It was actually a pretty nice afternoon.<br><br>
Thanks for bouncing back some ideas at me, folks!!
 

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I just read the whole thread for the first time now, but I wanted to say how great it is that you guys were able to find a way to work it out. Sounds like you have a wonderful relationship! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

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Great resolution. That's what I was going to suggest.<br><br>
To tell the truth, I would have been uneasy if it was my wife going off for a private lesson in some man's home. I trust my wife 100%, so I wouldn't be uneasy about her being with another man. But I would feel uneasy that there is the slight chance that this guy is some sicko pervert with a "silence of the lambs" pit in the basement. And if my wife was an hour drive away I would be uneasy.<br>
At least meeting the guy and seeing the home and spending the first day in the park with the kids would have made me feel better about it.<br><br>
I am glad that everything worked out.
 
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